Blessing From Trials

A sudden and unexpected calm has settled on me. I have felt this before. It was just as my mother moved in with me as she prepared to go beyond the veil. Before that I was still kicking against the pricks. I had had my quad accident that left a very active person feeling as though I had turned into a three legged turtle. I could still get around but I was constantly trying to figure out how to do all I had been doing with a jacked up wrist.
About a week after she arrived I was quietly cleaning around the house as she napped. A great calm came over me. My turmoil was of course the unexpected expected outcome of why my mom now lived with me. Could I handle this? I knew I could for her but....
Then there was the missing my cattle. I didn't dwell on them much.  I just knew I was missing calving and all the proud mommas showing off their babies.
The calm was realizing that if it wasn't for the accident I would of still been employed and it would of been a lot harder to be available for my mother. But durning my recovery I had been pretty much replaced at work so I wasn't needed as much.
A blessing.

I have been sulking and we all know it. My old ranch partners are less than nice and I had pretty much gotten to the point of not interacting with them. Oh I missed the big herd but I have my cute little one now. Life was good on a smaller scale and that is good.
I had to pull on my big rancher girl pants and interact with them one more time. I had to go retrieve my two cows and calves.
Over a two day period that amounted to about four hours I was told I wasn't worth listening to, I need to leave and served notice that I no longer could come on family property. That is fine and dandy I expect to be bullied by my brother and his two minions but what really shows is their pettiness.
I was having a private conversation with the cattle inspector while getting my paperwork in order to take my cows and calves when he asked me "Ginny how long have you had this brand and how did you come by it?"
It was mainly small talk because they had just treated me rough in front of him and he wanted to get me away from them.
In the middle of explaining how I came by it Don walked up and said "K5 huh. Your 5 looks like a upside down backwards 2.
My calm came this week when it was reviled to me how really petty they are. I don't need it. No one does. I have a small herd and big happiness. The Lord has assured me one day I will have a big herd again that I can share with the family once more. I answer to my new partners who aren't competitive or petty but encourage me to share my heritage.
I don't kick around with the pricks anymore.
Blessing

This is one of the most resent examples of pettiness. There has been plenty I just over look others short comings to easily. I am learning the difference between short comings and down right meanness.

I am so thankful to the Lord. I have learned so much throughout what I thought were trials. When in reality I was pushed away from those I love through betrayal and accusations. Only to rise in time being blessed. It is so calming to not fear being with those you love. I believe forgiveness is the most rewarding feeling I have ever experienced.

The greatest lesson you can learn is to walk away from those you fear or give you grief. No matter who it is. It only weakens you. You can't please them without selling a bit of yourself.

I have no desire to work along side of them. I am no longer working on the resolve. I tried for so long to be heard. To understand misunderstandings. But I have learned there is no understanding without trust or respect.

When Even a Sparrow Falls

Have I ever told you the story ... wait I mean the tale of when I went before the judge to see if Tom and I could be together or at the least meet together with our Bishop (clergy)?

I learned while in Utah that I could ask a judge to let Tom and I meet together or under supervision be together. So there was a date set and I came down from Utah to see a judge.

I entered the court room early and was told that there were other's to be seen so it might be quite a while.  I was fine and settled in for whatever it would take.

Soon the Judge came in and we all stood for her as she took her seat. The court proceeded in this manner. There was a little chit chat between the judge and the clerk. Then the first plaintiff's name was called out. A door in the front of the courtroom and to my left opened. In walked a young black man what looked like between the age of twenty seven to thirty. He wore the orange jump suit of uncle Joe's and some of Joe's finer jewelry around both wrist (handcuffs). He approached the small stand with the mic and his lawyer met him there.

The judge asked him to state his name and birthdate. He did. Then she asked him "Do you understand that you have charges against you of accosting children on the playgrounds?"
"Yes judge." Came the reply
"Is it true that you have been diagnosed depressant?" Asked the judge
"Yes judge." He answered
"Do you take medication?" She asked
"No judge. I have none." He said
" Are you homeless?" She asked
"Yes judge." He answered
"If I release you will you take your medication and come back to court in two weeks?" She asked
"Yes judge." He said
"Bailiff take him to be released." The judge said.

Once again a name is called and the same door opens and in walks a white man in his late forties to early fifties same jumpsuit and handcuffs.
He was asked to state his name and birthdate.
The judge asked "Do you understand that you have been accused of being drunk and beating the handicap while you are on public transportation?"
"Yes judge. His wheelchair was in my way so I knocked him down." He stated
"Have you been diagnosed depressant?" The judge asked
"Yes." He answered
"Will you take your medication and stay sober?" She asked
"No." he said
Then his lawyer elbowed him and whispered to him to tell the judge yes. As the mic picked up their hushed voices.
The plaintiff quickly answered "Yes judge."
"Are you homeless?" She asked
"Yes judge." He said
"If I release you will you take your medication and come to court in two weeks?" She asked
"Yes judge." He answered.
He was escorted out.

Then I hear the judge say Thomas Blaine Baker. My brain immediately believes this won't be difficult. She seems quiet lenient.
Tom has to state his name and birthdate then his lawyer gives the reason I have come today.

Then I am called up. I stand there thinking I will be asked a series of questions but we all remain in silence. I then speak up and ask if we can be together to see our clergy for counseling. The judge turns to the prosecuting attorney and asks if there is anything she would like to add.
The prosecuting attorney says "We have no problem them going to see their clergy together."
The judge says "Denied at this time."

I left but Tom's lawyer, I heard tried to reason with the judge since the prosecuting attorney said it would be fine. But I guess his request fell on deaf ears also.

Next time I am going in homeless, depressed with no medication and known to be violent to children and handicapped. Then receive the sympathy as I plead my desires.

That is my tale. I don't understand why it is this way. I believe with all my heart if judges has to explain their judgements instead of just ruling our system might be improved.

When we stop to state our reasons it gives us reason. We have had to put our gut feelings or heart in context.

But that is just me thinking out loud.

“Be assured that there is a safe harbor. You can find peace amidst the storms that threaten you. Your Heavenly Father—who knows when even a sparrow falls—knows of your heartache and suffering. He loves you and wants the best for you. Never doubt this. While He allows all of us to make choices that may not always be for our own or even others’ well-being, and while He does not always intervene in the course of events, He has promised the faithful peace even in their trials and tribulations.”

—Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Finding a Safe Harbor,” Ensign, May 2000,

Enlighten or Entitle Me

It is just weeks away from being a year since my business partners confiscated ranch equipment, the bank account and all else they deemed within their right as partners to take, hide or retrieve from me or from my personal property.
We have yet to resolve this. It is past resolve. There is so much crow on all sides to eat I feel the poor birds may become listed on the endangered list.

This week it has been regurgitated again. As Tom has tried to do no more than get his personal tools from the other partners, through, I believe almost two days of texting he was told he is dishonest, liar, thief, and lacks the ability to hold relationships. He was told that the tools he request where taken because they "didn't know if they were the ranches or whom they belonged too".

To me it is easy to figure out. The ranch had only one post hole digger now it has two. The ranch had wooden handled tools now it had a fiberglass one. The ranch never owned a pintle hitch now it does.

It makes me smile even though it is while I shake my head. While they were on my property uninvited divvying up the goods they left me my dads tools because I moved them from his tool box that was so bunged up that it leaked and the tools were rusting to two canvas bags in hopes of preserving them.

I don't understand how they chose between one thing or another. I can't blame them for not knowing. They didn't come up as often as I hoped they would to help with the many things that needed attention. Even as I went for two days this fall I was shocked at how the corrals had fallen into such disrepair.

Tom has requested his tools from the first day of this ordeal. And while he was approaching the them once again this week he was told that "Ginny" has been sent a list of questions (twice) that she needs to answer.

I don't know what this has to do with being honest and giving back tools to the appropriate person. Heck on the "question list" it doesn't even ask who's tools are who's.

As I thought this through I found myself thinking for the benefit of Tom I aught to just send them the answers to the questions. I love Tom so, and he shouldn't  be punished for my reasons of not complying.

Then the words enlighten and entitled entered my conscious. They feel entitled to answers. I feel entitled to ask my own.

Written words entitle you to gain answers. That all. A response to a question.
Face to face enlightens. Questions can be answered and answers can be questioned.

All four of us are even in regards to the partnership. What education we have, accomplishment we have made, money we have acquired, labor we have preformed has no bearings on who is entitled to answers.

Indulge me, enlighten me.

Validation

We all need it. From free parking by making sure our parking ticket is validated to voicing our opinion or problem to the right crowd so we will be agreed with or validated.
It strokes our fur and gives us our necessary purr. To put it short and simple.

I thought I was tip toeing through hell after my parents died. I was loosing my siblings one by one. Then extended family members. But I soon learned I was just above the flames.

My own family was in turmoil and one day a hand grenade was toss into the mix and I fell far below the flames into the all consuming fuel and coals.

Back up to my walking amongst the flames. My personal family was hurting along with my hurt. To the point that they wanted nothing to do with those causing me such pain. Some even said under their breath that they would like to "punch them in the face".

Oh how fast we can turn on those we once stood by as the weight of the world crushed down so hard we seemed breathless, lifeless. How fast we can turn to those we wanted to punch in the face for validation for our horrible situation.

It is the perfect audience we need. If they hate those who I now hate I will have validation. I can take all my feelings to them and feel good while I wallow in them.

As I looked the word validation over it was put to me, was I searching for it? Was my "dirty laundry" aired by me motivated for it? Validation glorious validation.
No! I did not hand pick a crowd. I aired my troubles, my pain, my truth from a world wide banner. I didn't need affirmation. I needed those who have chose to turn away or turn on me to at the least hear me out. And they have. The only interaction we have is response to what has been posted. It maybe ugly, for that I am sorry.
It isn't what social media is designed for. It is said. But I believe we will have to agree to disagree.

We air the worlds problems, the countries, our states and cities. I air mine. For that is my world. I have nothing to hide. I only want to be heard. Not herd.

My dad left the ranch for a while and the last brother that ranched is still distancing himself. I asked my mom when she moved in with me as her life came to a close "What was the fight between dad and his brothers?"
Her answer was one brother was too progressive for his liking.
My dad didn't walk away he was pushed away. Like me. Like who know how many others. Is it the "Nicoll" way or it is a human weakness within many families?
I can't answer that. I only see history wasn't learned so it repeats it's self.

I have prayed for validation. But those ideals or problems I needed validated I took to the audience that could or would validate it.
I am not innocent of that human weakness. But I didn't go to the enemy to achieve it.


Self-validation
adjective
1.
requiring no external confirmation, sanction, or validation.

Nativity Dream

I woke from a dream. It was so real I had to write it down.

I had recently purchased a new Nativity set. It came with an extra piece. This piece was a male. I didn't quite know where to place him. He was a handsome figure with very fine clothing. But he wasn't a wise man. I had three and they were bearing gifts. Maybe he was a servant and came along with them.  He didn't have a shepherds crook like the other one did, so I put him behind the wise men along side of their camel.
I placed all the other pieces, took one last look at the simple beauty and workmanship that went into this set. The care that the artist took to capture the reverence and scriptural accuracy.
I soon was occupied with other household things. Every time I passed by the china cabinet that held my new nativity set I felt uneasy. I soon stopped and the piece I had put by the camel was out front looking down at the Christ child.
I couldn't believe what I had done. I always put my nativities up the same. I put Christ in the center. Christ to me is the center of the whole nativity story and the center of my life.  Then Mary is put closest to baby Jesus to see to her infants needs. Joseph is put close to Mary as a support to her. My wise men, I always try to put them east of Christ because from the scriptures we learned they came from the east. Then on the other side is the Shepard. I even put the Shepard close by because I believe he came days or even weeks before the wise men.
I was baffled as to why I left the extra piece out front. I picked it up and looked it over. Maybe this is the Inn keeper or a stranger in town that over heard the commotion. I then placed him by the cow and donkey toward the back. Behind the Shepard. I closed the glass door and finished what I was previously doing.
The uneasy feeling came again as I passed later. I stopped and looked again. Once again the piece was out front looking down on Christ. I reached in and grabbed it. I decided to see what I could find on this particular set and the artist. I had noticed the pieces where signed.
I put the artist name, back slash, nativity set in the search line on Google. Only one entry came up. It was a web page from the artist. As I opened it and read, he told of how he developed each piece with careful and direct detail of what he believed they should look like. Each piece had a paragraph of how he felt on each one. The last paragraph is where he finally told of the extra piece.
He never read anywhere about this character but yet he couldn't leave him out. The artist wrote that it is Christ brother. The artist warned how this piece had a tendency to try to be front and center, to look down on all that come to worship the Christ child.
It sent chills down my spine. I put the piece back in the china cabinet but this time I put his back to the whole scene and pushed it to the furthest corner. There he stayed. In the back. Not worthy be a part but yet a part none less as Christ's brother satan.

Be Found Sufficient

3 Nephi 13:34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient is the day unto the evil thereof.

Or

Matthew 6:34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.


I read my scriptures yesterday in the Book Of Mormon and this was the last verse. For some reason it yelled at me, so I started to break it down. Of course I also found it in the New Testament. I tried to google it, but to no avail. All I got was the history of why it was said or the previous verses before it. This verse comes from Christ teaching the Sermon on the mount in the New Testament and Christ teaching after His resurrection in the American continent.

I didn't have much time to investigate it further because I am on the road, and needed to heat up my tires on the black top.

While driving I got a text wanting to know where my shop keys were. I wrote the last time I saw my new set, it was hanging up in the kitchen. They checked, and they were there, but they wanted to know where my full set was. I had to remind them that a few years back one of the after school teenagers was using them and lost them.
After that, I was only given a partial set because I wasn't working at the shop. I was ranching and gone all the time.

I learned a ten thousand dollar tool was stolen over the weekend. This tool was used Friday and locked up. On Monday it was needed and found missing. There were no signs of breaking in. It had to be an inside job. So each employee was interviewed. Very upsetting on everyone. No one knew anything. It put a black cloud on the day. No one likes to accuse someone or be accused by someone.

Suddenly it was realized one last employee was on a job and hadn't been interviewed.

As he returned he was asked to come to the office. He was asked about the tool. He sat dumb founded.

He said he got a text picture from one of the former teenagers and he was at the shop. The boy said he was getting gas. The employee told him he needs to leave the property.

Phone calls were made to a friend of this boy and it was learned he had the tool.

The tool was recovered and the empty gas can.
What needs to be understood here, is to enter all these areas (tool room and gas cage) you needed a full set of keys. Like the one that I used to have until this same boy lost mine years back.

His father was contacted. I don't know what was said between the father and son but I do know when the father called back,  the shop was left with the impression that Bakers are evil and it is ok to do evil things to evil people.

I can not believe how many times people judge us as evil and justify unholy actions against us. Most of my blogs touches on this subject.
I looked at my own heart, do I feel justified to treat others differently or unrighteously because I have judged them to be less than honest or a sinner? No. No, I do not. I will not treat someone dishonestly because I believe they are dishonest. I was taught to not judge others. I was taught the golden rule.

Side note, the last time this boy had contact with Tom it was to tell him of his mission call.

I don't have a full understanding of the scripture I started with but I do have a witness of it. How I can apply it to me today.

We should be found sufficient today. Sufficient in our word and deed today. Don't worry about tomorrow.
I am like my father. He was a worry wart. I spend most of my day working through the day and worrying about tomorrow.
I will be sufficient for today. I will be found not judging others but judging myself today by the mark I set yesterday.

When you spend so much time looking at others you can't see your own dingle berries 

A moment in Time

Has a moment ever weighed on your mind. A moment that was, I don't know how to explain it, so ordinary that you wonder why it keeps coming to mind.
This moment for me is over two years old. It took less than 10 seconds to happen but it has never left me. It is still so vivid. My moment consist of me, my brother Steve and my sister Patti.

Today as I walked my dogs it came to mind again. But today was different. Instead of playing it over and over. I was able to analyze it. Maybe it will go to bed and I can move on.

Let me introduce you to my moment, but first explain what was going on.

This is the day of my dads funeral. The viewing, closing of the casket and family prayer has just happened. We (my family, my siblings and their families and all those who loved my dad enough to call him family) are following the casket into the chapel for the funeral service.
I stop to sign the guest book. Tom's hand is on my shoulder. My sister Patti is behind me then steps beside me and she says quietly that she can't wait to go through dads things (she is the most sentimental of us all). I turn and say "I have all I could ever want in my heart."
My brother Steve now is passing by. I am now signing the book and over his shoulder he says "Nothing at the ranch is going to change." I look up from the book but my mouth remains shut. I remember the words but can't understand them.

That's it folks. That's my ten seconds. My moment.
It has preyed upon my mind for these two long years. So insignificant. But yet it never left me.

Today on my walk it all folded out before me. Each character, where they were at the time and what they were doing.

I, Patti and Steve are at the chapel doors. My mom has gone directly into the chapel. And my sister Nancy I can't place her.

Now to analyze this scene. For the first time instead of breaking down what was said, my mind broke down where people stood.

My mom, in the chapel. She had crossed over the threshold and was no longer in the foyer. She was with the host of others with my dad. My mind put the chapel as heaven. That's why she plays no part in my moment. She has gone to her mortal rest and can't help me.

My sister Patti was behind me then stepped out away. Thinking of gaining things to remember my dad by. Tangible objects. Sentiment value. Filling the void that left along with our dad passing.

My brother Steve. Warning or bullying. I can't judge which. But here is what is significant. He passed me up. All others gave me my ten seconds to sign the book.

My sister Nancy never played out before. I don't know where she is. She may be behind me or helped Mom to follow the casket. I really don't know.

If I look at each of these people today "my moment" defines them.

My mom. Passed through the veil. An endeared memory.

My sister Patti was behind me then steps away from me.

My sister Nancy is nowhere near. I don't know if she is in front, behind or stepping away.

My brother Steve is verbalizing his demands and passing by like I am a nobody.

I am done with that moment. As I write this I can feel it is no concern to me any longer. That small amount of time has now almost warned me of where I stand in my family. Believe it or not, it is a relief or release. It is wonderful when something beacons for attention and just like that it is satisfied.

The answer took about ten seconds.

Now one day I will tell you about a dream I had when I was eight that has never left me. But first I need to completely analyze it. Then I will share.

What Can I Pray For?

At my therapist the other day and he says "I hear you been short." (temperament)
I explained the one time I could of been but I feel I wasn't. Then he says "Is there more that you can think of?"
I answered "If there was I was drunk." He almost slid out of his chair laughing so hard. (I don't drink).
Perspective perspective perspective.

A dear old friend commented to me on Facebook about my horses being hauled off a safe environment to an unsafe one.

I'm only assuming all this BS is happening since the death of your parents. It amazes me what people turn into after the death of parents. She wrote.

I told her, You hit the nail on the coffin there.

I have one too!  Except I didn't forgive I just forgot! She wrote back.

It's easier for me to forgive than to forget but I think the biggest reason is because it just keeps coming and slamming me in the face. Was my response.

I don't understand how people can forgive when the person they are forgiving is in the wrong and cause nothing but pain and termoil. I guess I view it differently. Was her reply.

My forgiveness comes from truly experiencing how bitter I was becoming. I don't understand the why they did or do things I just know even today once I saw my horses where safe and  people have come forward for a place for my horses I can only feel the weight of anger and hate leave my shoulders. To forgive doesn't mean I am wrong. It means I was wronged and I am better than them. This was my answer.

I truly loved getting the opportunity to give my perspective. If only, so I could see how far I have come. I can put into words my true heart. The heart that not daily but more often than I would like to admit has the choice of anger or forgiveness. Revenge or accepting my challenges. Bitterness or betterness. Crawling into a hole or smiling as I scale the walls of the pit.

I have called the sheriff multiple times for help. It always plays out the same. They listen and as soon as they ask how I know this person and I answer it ends the same. "Oh this is a civil matter".  Yes it is true you can harass members of your family. Permission granted. If you ever had the inclining. Go for it. (The Lord will judge it differently). Have a blast while you can.

It is funny how we are prosecuted for accidents but deliberate acts of abuse we look the other way. I was prosecuted for an accident I had with my granddaughters. Someone I know and love is in line for prosecution. It is Cherish, as in, "I Stand With Cherish". This world has gone to hell in a hand basket.

While I was gone to town my daughter in law was trying to catch my horses that got out. When the horses where thrown in my yard it was without halters or leads. So to say the least my good neighbors rallied around her to help. One, Ed, also took the opportunity to introduce each other. Once, one neighbor lady heard my dads name she grinned and proceeded to tell a story of him.

"Oh Guy Nicoll, I really liked him. He was a character. He once was going to his property and this other man was blocking his way holding a rifle. Oh Guy grabbed the gun from him, hit him in the face with the butt of the gun and continued driving to his property."

That sounds like the old west to some of you but that sounds like the America I want back. The one where victims can take care of abuse themselves. Long before it ends in self defense.

How bad I would love to teach this (insert your choice of noun, because man or brother just doesn't work for me) to stop messing with me and my personal property. But atlas I am born a generation too late. I am born during the tolerate, coexist era. The turn the other cheek (which is perfect because you are looking the other way as they hurt you again and again) discipline. The walk away but it follows you around philosophy.

I hold no malice. I am kicked in the teeth but as people rally for me, show their love for me I stand with a full smile and dust myself off. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You too can't stop this but holding my hand though cyber space helps. Anyone with any influence that could place a call in my behalf to those that harass me might make a difference, but only effort will tell.

Is it wrong for me to pray for relief even if my prayer petitions  the Lord to call someone home?

From Empathy to Sympathy

The last four days has had a wide arrange of emotions for me. It wasn't a roller coaster of ups and downs. That is how it has been for so long. It was going from empathy to sympathy.
For the longest time I couldn't get the word "forgiveness" out of the frontal lobes of my brain. I started to research it. From looking up the meaning of the word, to "feel good" quotes, to conference talks, to scriptures. I spoke to people around me about it. It was all consuming and unquenchable.
It kept me up when I should of been asleep and it wore me down to the point of nodding off when I should of been awake.
One day as I was trying to satisfy the "forgiveness monster", then it hit me, I had been looking at this word all wrong. This word can drive forward and backwards. I had put this word in drive and was getting no where. I felt I was pushing my truck up a hill. This word is a double edge sword. You can "ask" for forgiveness or you can "give" forgiveness. Once I saw the difference I knew what horse I wanted to saddle so I could ride out and gather my thoughts.
Going forward to me was to ask forgiveness. I spent so long trying to put in words what needed to be said. But I would draw a blank. I would read more stories and thoughts. I would pray and meditate. Still nothing. I tried to put it aside. I thought I must not be fully repentive. But it wasn't that. Who of us doesn't have need to repent. What was pulling at my heart wasn't the need to be forgiven.
One day I came across a scripture that threw me into reverse. I started to study in a new light. I needed to forgive.
Now my thoughts came easily. My truck that I was pushing up hill started to coast down hill. I jumped on the bumper as it picked up speed. I needed to forgive others their transpasses.
I had found my answer and now had direction. I even mentioned it my last blog. I had my days and nights back in order. I put the "asking" horse back in the pasture and saddled up the "giving" horse.
There are four (ranch partners) who weighed on my mind the most. So I started with them. I wrote and erased. Wrote and erased more. It is hard to write in a letter how you feel with it not being conceived wrong. Then I realized no matter how I say it, it is how it is received that makes the difference. And I can't change their heart to receive something only they can.
I had three finished. The last one was a struggle. Not because of me not truly forgiving but fearing the consequences that may follow. I pushed through and finished all four. With in hours of finishing them I know I was blessed. The generator that I used at the ranch had been found and was being recovered.
We knew who had it. And I can't blame them for taking it. They felt it was theirs. They just wouldn't listen.
They (ranch partners)hid it from us. But not from the Lord. It was on complete ... I don't know if you can call it accident when you are being directed to it, but I guess lead to it would be better. See, where it was there is already a generator that runs the submersible pump in the well. So to run across it was ... Christmas! They had removed the tires and hitch so it would be harder to take. But for the people who built the trailer and owned it (one in the same) this was no obstacle.
Bless their (ranch partners) hearts the storage tank was full. As the generator was recovered my heart rejoiced knowing the cattle have plenty of water while they solve the pumping problem. But my real fear kicked in. A full tank means they won't be checking on the cattle all too soon and there was a bull on the side of the new fence with no access to water. Unless they are blessed with water in the dirt tank. I can only hope so. But then he could walk all the way to the old ranch house for water.
The calves are great looking bunch because of that generator. It enabled me to haul water so the momma's could have the best feed possible. Love cattle and being a cattle producer.
Most of all I love blessings that come from doing hard things.


Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

D&C 64: 9-10

Dust Bunnies

I went to my therapist Tuesday. I sit down and he asks, like usual "How did your week go?"
Oh I started right in telling him all I did, all I witnessed and all my thoughts.
He looks at me and says "Your quiet a funny woman." Later he said "Your almost giddy with happiness."
Yes my humor is back.  My confidence is back.
When he first met me my world was black. I preferred the shades down and chased back the light.
He, along with others have raised the shade slightly, slowly. At first I was fascinated with the dust particles I saw floating in the light. Distracted with them as the light was released more and more in my life. I have now reached into the shadows and retrieved a dust bunny. An almost tangible things that used to distract me but now I can sweep it from my life.
I have understanding, compassion, forgiveness. I didn't have these before, especially for myself.
I now have understanding of who I am. How my actions and reactions formed me. If I let others walk on me I soon feel like a rug. Low down and dirty. If I stand up for myself I become human, with reason and reasoning.  If I understand myself I can better understand others.
Have you ever noticed that compass is the majority of the word compassion. A compass gives us direction. From point A to point B. No matter what lies in between. Hills, mountains, trees, searing heat, walls or oceans. With compassion it is the same. Compassion for those who hurt. For those who hurt us. It gives direction on how to step into others shoes and see where they are coming from. It doesn't validate is was right but it gives us a willingness to learn. A compass leads to understanding.
Forgiveness is the fruits of understanding and compassion. To withhold it only starts the vicious circle again.
Understanding, compassion and forgiveness were some of the flecks of dust that I saw in the sunlight. Fear, anger, hate, are the accumulated dust bunnies that I pick up hidden in the darkness. They feel so harmless. Soft. Small. But they are a form of uncleanliness. I have a strong desire to be clean.
I have a strong desire to forgive. I have study it. I have sought council from others. I have asked  my therapist, he said it is good to forgive. He also said you need to tell or write to people how you feel. You need to forgive and tell them exactly why you need to forgive. How they hurt you or angered you. How you feel betrayed  or any other (dust particles) emotions you felt. He warned me that I may not receive what I hope back from them, but good or bad response I will only grow stronger.
Throw open the curtains, tie back the drapes, pull up the blinds, roll up the shades. I need sunlight to grow.

Cut And Paste

When Louise was just a baby she was a quiet little thing. I attribute it too, she was my only thumb sucker, and also her being the fourth child in just five years, making plenty of others to distract her.
There was one thing that took her from silence to screaming in tenth of a second. Most people would of not even noticed this minuscule sound.
To me it was sound of joy. It consisted of small bare feet entering a room, a high pitched voice, slightly loud, in a joyful nonverbal banter.
It was Blaine. He was  just about two and he loved Louise. He would hurry as fast as his little feet would take him, drop to his knees and almost nose to nose, a little to loud, babble in Louise's face. She soon learned the sound of his walk and she would fuss even before he got there. Blaine never even noticed. He loved getting near her.
Then there was Billy, he couldn't say Blainie so he named his little brother Doopadee. Later we got a Cockatiel and named it Doopadee. Doopadee the bird loved to sing, chatter and squawk, but boy oh boy when he heard Jesse getting near he would sing at his loudest. See, Jesse
whistled as he walked. Doopadee heard him from a far distance and would start in anticipation of what was to come. All it was, was the sound of Jesse’s walk. Jesse didn't whistle every time.

If you took a hamster and shook its cage every time you go by it, it would go from hiding the best it could to feeling trapped and lashing out. The same thing can happen in a positive way. It all depends what you do constantly.

I hid a lot. There are people in my life that I hide from. Then I lash out. It is done in my writings. I am slow and timid with spoken words. My writings validate my feelings. I have note books and note books of my writings. That is how I have validated how I feel and calmed myself down.
There are times I have shared those thoughts with the one and others I have shared with the world.

What I have learned from all this is, I am not alone. That helps. Not enough to start a support group. Just think of the acronym if I name it Adults Suffering Self-esteem. But it helps to know I am not crazy. We all are.

My life lately has been relatively quiet on all fronts. But this week I got emails  from my parents trust and the ranch LLC. Both may have been a group effort but they involve the same person. The one that has rattle my cage every time he walks by.

I received the trust one first. I sat down and answered it,then sent it. A day or so later I received the one from the LLC. I sat and started to answer that one. The LLC one took me three days. I had to research old invoices and answer  lots of questions. They also gave me a date I had to answer by so it all but consumed me.
 I had it ready to send. Moments from pushing send an old friend stopped by. His life has been hell lately. He makes mine look like “the grandkids cupcakes”. Those are the ones you find on the counter, the frosting has been licked off and you decide if you want a unfrosted cupcake or if the dogs do (it is a toss up sometimes). Anyway he told of a personal story where all those around him advised him to legally pursue two brothers (not his but some that employed him). He had a strong impression not too. Skip a few years later and one of those brothers has reconciled his life and now is a councilor over his own sons drug addiction group. And the son is responding to this man. My friend says he is receiving blessing that money could of never provided.

I also, because of a incident I called my Bishop to seek advice. He told me of a story in a similar way. About not responding to others accusations.

I now had two witnesses opposite of a direction I was going. I went to my room and prayed. I went about cleaning  the house to clear my mind of possible influences that might influence my answer from the Lord. As I walked past my phone I noticed I had a response from my brother to my response to his Trust email. As I read it one of my answers to my prayer came.

I answered the LLC letter. I did not share any of my research with them. My research still sits on my computer. I am not sorry I did the  research. It only gives me more confidence in finally answering them. I sent back that Tom and I are willing to meet with them anytime. No more email as they get misinterpreted.

This is what inspired the answer to the first of my prayer.
The first one I answered many months back to the LLC. I can not return to work for the ranch under their stipulations. The biggest is my husband is not allowed up there.

I will return under my stipulation. I run the ranch day to day and you come up when needed or you want.
I will not work under stipulations from back biters or false finders.

This one came that day after my first prayer. It is from my brother.
That is why I titled this Cut and Paste.     The meaning is lost in translation. Cutting and pasting is a safer bet when quoting something.
I realized it is easy to read between the lines and that it needs to be resolved face to face.

Your demand that it return to You and Tom managing the ranch and the rest of us just show up when you want us to essentially assures that you will never be involved again.

Funny thing is when I read the two, I quit before they fired me. But it is always up to the eye of the beholder.

I went and prayed again as to responding to my brothers response to my response to his first email titled Response Letter.
It may sound confusing but the Lord was on top of all the responding.
I had a impression that all this ugliness is a puss filled wound that needs opening. It is time to squeeze the puss out until it bleeds, put some wound dressing in it no matter how much it might sting and get this abscess to heal.
We can't be a eternal family unless we do this. If one member walks away it is up to us to pray for them to return. But ultimately it is their choice. But to have a group of people to shun one or more for no more that personal differences is not right. My answer was to cleanse this wound.

Innocent Until Proven Guilty

As I sit here this Sabbath morning and ponder my life I want to let everyone know that I love my saviour Jesus Christ and am grateful for his blessing and love for me. Through him I have had the strength to endure the trials of my life.
As I pondered my latest trials I was reminded of the information I was given when I left jail. I was given all sorts of restrictions and limitations that govern my life daily in the name of "victims rights".
One thing our system has forgotten to address are the rights of the accused. Mind you I have not been convicted. Due process requires that a trial of my peers be performed first and then I will be punished by the government, according to my convictions.
I guess a lot of people didn't get the memo.
Since the day shit hit the fan I have been violated in so many ways and buy so many people. The really sad thing about it is that ALL the people that have attacked me are family members. The closer they are in my family circle the more vicious they have been.
I have been told I'm a liar multiple times. When the accusers are asked what the lie was their faces become contorted and they say, "oh you know, don't deny it!"
Just this week I have been served with another restraining order from a nephew's wife whom I haven't seen for over three years. All based on lies.
I have been warned and threatened if I attend a family reunion.
Texts have been sent wanting to know "where is Tom?! My kids are afraid" or "Tom was seen in Globe and he's headed your way!" As I sat at my desk.
I can't go to my own Ward for church because of gossiping family and Ward members. Its a sad day when your Bishop tells you that there has been "a lot of gossiping" concerning me.
I have had personal belongings that were given to me by my father that were in the care of a family member given away without any knowledge or permission.
I have been questioned as to wether I have equipment in my possession that don't belong to me.
I have been accused of child abuse by an abuser.
I have been treated worse by family than a family member who is a twice convicted rapist and will be allowed to move on to the ranch.
Multiple family members have advised my wife to divorce me when she was never threatened or abused by me.
My wife and I were kicked off the ranch by family members. These same family members asked my wife to come back thinking I was now out of the picture.
I've been defriended on Facebook by family and friends with out knowledge of my side of what happened and have had to defriend people because of their blatant nastiness.
I've had the police called out to where I'm living because people couldn't get hold of Ginny.
The most heart breaking thing is that ALL the people involved have made covenants to the Lord at the time of baptism and majority have taken an oath of priesthood and made covenants in the temple.
I hold no malice towards none and am looking forward to the day that we can participate together in a prayer circle inside The House of the Lord.
I'm not seeking sympathy as those that hate me the most assume. Just pointing out the fact that there is no rights for the accused.

 My school assignment is to pick two out of five endings for the Prodigal Son and expand on two of them. This is one and I still have to do another. It has been hard. It was different finishing what felt like the "Lords Work".

Luke 15

11 ¶And he said, A certain man had two sons:

 12 And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living.

 13 And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living.

 14 And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want.

 15 And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine.

 16 And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him.

 17 And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!

 18 I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee,

 19 And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants.

 20 And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.

 21 And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.

 22 But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet:

 23 And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry:

 24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.

 25 Now his elder son was in the field: and as he came and drew nigh to the house, he heard musick and dancing.

 26 And he called one of the servants, and asked what these things meant.

 27 And he said unto him, Thy brother is come; and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he hath received him safe and sound.

 28 And he was angry, and would not go in: therefore came his father out, and entreated him.

 29 And he answering said to his father, Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends:

 30 But as soon as this thy son was come, which hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf.

 31 And he said unto him, Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine.

 32 It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.

"Father, I fear he will bring his bad reputation upon us and we will suffer from it with our merchants,” said the older brother.  "Our years of hard work and personal integrity are what people remember, Son," Father replied in a voice mixed with sternness and pleading to let this subject go.
"Father, you don't treat him like the other workers," the elder son said exasperated, "he has the jobs we save for the older men.”  “Son, I am in charge and set the work load for each. I retain that right. I don't use jobs as punishment or social order. I give your younger brother tasks that will help him one day when I am gone and you’re in charge; the talents to please you or another employer, skills beyond heavy labor.”
In the distance the younger brother had just finished putting the mill grinding oxen away for the evening and was headed toward his father and brother. As he closed in on them he gave a jubilant accounting saying, "The oxen are bedded down and I noticed one of the older sows is starting to give birth, do I need to sit with her?”
At the same moment father and the elder son answered, the father saying "No, I will get someone," and the older brother saying "Yes.” The younger brother looked from one to the other. The father, frustrated, said, "Your older brother will.”
Hours before the sun came up the father lit a lantern and headed out to the pig sty. "Son, do you need anything? How is she doing?" he asked in a hushed voice as he approached. "She has had six and working on one right now," the eldest son answered as they fell silent again.
After watching the sow push out number seven, the eldest son said, "Father, earlier you said you don't use jobs as punishment. Why am I here?" Father put one hand on his son’s shoulder as he spoke in an almost whisper to draw his elder son’s attention in. "Son, your brother lost all. He succumbed to the thought of such shame that he tried to live with the pigs. Willing to eat and live with them. He is truly humbled and willing to be a faithful servant. I sent you out here to remind you how even one night can be unwelcoming, overwhelming. As you finish the job please consider your brother’s trial and not yours."
Father returned to the house hoping for peace to return once again to his home.
The sun rose to dawn a beautiful morning. As the family gathered for prayer and breakfast the older son entered while drying his hands, quickly walked toward his younger brother and in one swift move gathered him in his arms and said, "I love you my dear brother, forgive me I beg of you. The pigs have humbled me also."
https://www.lds.org/bible-videos/videos/the-prodigal-son?lang=eng

A Letter Home

To my dear family with much love,

After many hours of fasting, prayer and temple attendance it has been made known to me that my eternal marriage is to become a celestial marriage.

Within a moments of my darkest hour it was whispered to me that my many prayers for true happiness had been answered. My heart rejoiced as my mind raced.

If you will recall I have never said anything to the contrary. I only said I don't know how long it will take.

But yet many have contacted me only to persuade me to go counter to what was burning in my heart. And still those who should trust my judgment, don't.

My Bishop advised me from day one that the most important thing is Tom and I. That family will have to sit on a back burner while that relationship takes time to heal righteously.

I have not nor ever will shun my children or my new children by marriage or my loved babies that come from that union. I will, and do, step back when the only feedback I receive is that I have been deceived.

If you don't like or understand or believe that I have received that right counsel from the Lord, please take it up with Him.

For now I need people around me that believe in me.

My Bishop called me one day and asked "how you doing?" I told him fine, but it was hard for me to discern between those I talk to if they are listening to me because I need human interaction and love or if they want the latest for purposes of gossip. He told me that he was getting plenty of calls of gossip. He told them that they need to have faith and support in Ginny's inspiration.

I have not pulled away. I have turned aside.

My heart aches at the trial I am going through. I faulter daily at the task before me. My question always is, will I make it. This is harder than I can bare. My only strength comes from the many times in ordinary ways the whisper of the Holy Ghost comes to build me up again.

If you continue to shout I will turn from you. If you become as one with Still Small Voice I will embrace you..

As I sit and wait for the next wave

New Beginning

I am addicted to Taco Bell. There are times as I drive through Miami and Globe I will pass by the greatest Mexican food in order to feed my dirty habit.

I like the Taco Bell at the junction of the 60 and 70. I prefer early morning to early afternoon. Oh the food is all the same. It's the cashier. She is short, a bit heavy, real plain faced, and if she doesn't have her teeth in she can talk a little like she has marbles in her mouth.
 Isaiah 53:2 For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him.

The first time I met her was just about two years ago. It was on a trip back up to the ranch. A particular hard week. No, not the bone tired of working a ranch hard, it was, I can't even remember what was said but it was a heart break, can't believe people can be so cruel week. Down in the dumps week.

As I looked over the menu, I don't know why, I always get the same ole thing. I hear "I can help the next customer". I step up and order. She repeats it back, then says "Has anyone told you today that you are appreciated?" "Well I appreciate you."
I smiled and said "That is just what I needed." She smiled.

As I waited for my food I thought that is a pretty good gimmick for a fast food chain. It made me like the service as much as the food.

I got out to my truck to finish the drive and I had a melt down. It really was what I needed. Gimmick or not.

It's not a gimmick. She has said it to me plenty of times. Today I heard it again while I was there. The man in front of me knew it was coming, and he said it to her before she could get it out. They both grinned.

After it was said to me I told her "I appreciate you appreciating me, we all do." She asked if she could tell me a couple of stories. Of course I shook my head to the affirmative.

"I have been saying I appreciate people for two years. I started when I moved here to Globe. A while back Joe who is a regular here stopped by. He said to me "Melanie you look tired this morning". She told him she was. It is because she has no car and she walks up the hill at five am every morning. Later that day he brought her a car, the title, forty five dollars to change the title to her name and ten bucks for gas. Joe owns a wrecking yard. The car needs a little work but she is happy.
Then there is another regular customer from Tucson. He is a dentist. He told her if she can make it to Tucson he would make her a set of dentures. Free of charge. He has. He also told her if she has any other dental needs to just drop by.
She told me she has been given a hundred dollar tip and 2 fifty dollar tips. She said "I always split it up with the help in the back because I don't work alone".

Believe me she is doesn't do it for the gifts she has been given. She is in it for the complete surprise and smiles she sees on our faces.

It has me thinking I want to say something up lifting. My own "gimmick". To brighten a day or lift a dark cloud.

I will have to think on it. But for now I want to appreciate.
Melanie, for lifting my cloud and brightening my day. For two years.
The Lord, for holding my hand as I sometimes tried to pull away.
Tom, for taking each burden or stone I removed from my life. Examining each one for better understanding. Then placing them in a path of sorts that can trodden down and conquered.
We learn in the temple. Satan has the power to bruise our heels but we can crush his head.
I have taken stones from inside and have walked upon them. They line the soil of my soul. They border my garden that now has room for trust to bloom, love to grow tall, and forgiveness to keep it fertilized.

I will find my perfect word or words to brighten another's day. But until then "can I buy a vowel?"



New Beginning

 

Unexpected Change Through Delay

Nettie woke with a jolt. It was now twenty two hours in this small airport. Slowly she started to reminisce on the last few days. She had flown from Arizona to Florida for a funeral of a dear high school friend. The plan was to go on to Colorado before returning home to see her sister but the plane was diverted to New Mexico due to a technical malfunction, which left her on standby to Colorado unless she wanted to just fly home with a sooner flight.

Let's see we decided it had been forty seven years since we all had seen each other. Was it really that long? How life has it's quirks. The last time we all saw each other was at another dear friends funeral. JoAnn died two weeks after graduation from High school. That was the last they were together. Then came faraway colleges, military enlistment, work and families.

Nettie decided to take a walk and stretch her legs. Do a little people watching, one of her small enjoyments.

Sylvia stood with her arms tightly folded across her chest. The conversation going on in her head was becoming heated as she became aware of herself. Fearing she may have mumble words out loud. She slowly looked around to see if any or all eyes where upon her. After a quick scan, her thoughts were a bit more within reason. It started to play out what lay before her. 

Here I go again, she thought. Is it that complicated? Can I ever win with these people? How hard is it to follow through! I don't believe they could blow their own noses if I didn't hold their hands up to their faces.

Immediately Sylvia fumble around in her backpack for her phone. Disgusted in herself for not putting her phone in its usual place. She thinks, short of unloading her pack in the middle of the airport, to find the dad blasted thing, it seemed, to have found the path of least resistance, to the far crevices of the bag. 

A moment later, phone in hand, she pushes redial knowing full well the top number would have been the office.  Mother what are you doing at my office? She says in such shock and dismay that surely now those around her are alerted to her agitation. Your at home? Then how did I call you? Oh yes I remember now you did call me last. No I am still waiting to board. Yes I love you and will call you as soon as I get there, she said as she hung up to place the right call this time.

Scrolling down she got the office number and pushed send. It rang twice then went to the recording to leave a message. Frustration crossed her face while her brain clicked off another topic that needs to be said once she gets Amy within her reaches. 

Amy her new assistant, is a young intelligent girl around 22, tall and slender. What Sylvia's family called "a tall drink of water". Sylvia liked to add "soda water" because Amy has such a happy bubbly personality. 

Sylvia hangs up once again to call Amy's cell phone. One ring and Sylvia hears a soft but happy voice say, It's a cinch, how can I help you? 

Sylvia started "It's A Cinch" about 15 years ago. What started out as a hobby of making cinches for friends has evolved into a full time business. Catering to elite group of horse enthusiast and high rolling rodeo stars. 

This is Sylvia, where are you? In almost a ferrel cat hiss. 

Coming in behind you, I can see you now. Amy answers.

Sylvia hangs up and once again drops her phone in her bag.

What in the world were you thinking, did I not make you a list? A very detailed list! In a voice much too loud for two people standing nose to nose. But at this moment who cares if the whole worlds hears this Sylvia thought.

Yes ma'am. Amy said with a firm but slight quiver in her voice. Amy had been warned of the temper or almost disregard her new employer had for people. Amy had such a love for the clients and the merchandise that she felt it could out weigh the bad. Plus she was going to stay on her toes and prove herself.

Then where are the cinches? I was expecting to unload them before the metal detector. Sylvia said in such a low growl that anyone who had been attracted to the interaction would now have to be straining to hear.

Amy with all she could muster, said in an even voice, I asked you in a memo last Tuesday if I could send them on ahead with George as he was going early with our other products for the booth. You had okayed it.

Sylvia feeling sheepish but with the need to what she feels "stay on top", said in a bark with less of a growl. Good. George is trustworthy.

Amy smiled and said. But I did notice your wallet on the counter and thought I had better hurry it down to you. Have a safe flight, and while I am here is there anything you need from me to help you out further?

With a half smile Sylvia answered, not at this time thank you.

Amy waved and turned. With a smile on her face she now knew it was all bark and no bite. 

Over the intercom it was announced flight 207 for Colorado was now boarding at gate 3. Silvia grabbed her backpack and her small duffle bag and briskly walked toward the gate. 

The line was forming as she reached it. She stepped in behind a young man with dreadlocks. She smiled and thought to herself that he most likely was headed there for the "greener pastures". Her way of acknowledging the "weed laws", the legalization of marijuana.

Behind her is an older woman. Medium height with a motherly build. One that has a bit of a leather look to her like she must be outside a lot. Probably gardening. If she had finer clothes, Sylvia would of joked to herself of the many options of what she could of been growing.

Sylvia was hoping to be more to the front of the line so she could get a window seat in front of the wings. It just seems quieter there. With this being just a small plane there is no assigned seating. If it wasn't for the mix up on the cinches she would of been more on her game. 

Sylvia has her first sign of luck. She sees a seat just where she prefers. She hurries toward it. Stows her duffle bag in a bin above her and takes a seat. Stuffs her backpack under her seat of which she had just previously grabbed her reading book.

Excuse me. Um, excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Sylvia looks beyond her book to see the woman that was behind her in line. No ma'am. It is empty. She says in her sweetest please don't sit by me voice.

Good. Answers the woman as she slides in next to her. 

The book or what Sylvia calls her "wall" when in public was already up in place when she hears the woman next to her say. Hello my name is Nettie. She puts forth her hand. Sylvia gives it a small shake and says I'm Sylvia. As she put the wall back up.

Nettie turns her body to face Sylvia and she says, please excuse my rumpled look. I have been on standby for almost a day. I was just told there was room on this flight. I am going to see my sister for a few days. Was that beautiful young lady your daughter? 

The last thing Sylvia wants to do is visit let alone discuss an employee. As she gathered her thoughts, hoping to give a brief answer, along with the atmosphere of I don't visit I read. She answers in a short and calm voice. No an employee. 

Nettie smiles and lays her head back against the seat. She has a lot of your features. I thought for sure she was yours. Do you have children?

Sylvia now lays the book in her lap but not before she closed it in a way that if books could shout it would of said "don't make come over there and answer this!"

Sylvia dons a smile of sort, prepare in as few words as possible to answer this question in a way that this chit chat may stop. 

Yes two daughters. One is twenty seven and the other is twenty five. They are married. I am a grand mother. They live in Colorado and I in New Mexico. I haven't seen them in years. We all have very busy lives.

Nettie pulled forward in her seat. Laid a hand on Sylvia's hands, which were on her book, and said. Bless you dear. I could see in the airport you are a very busy person. But too busy for your own? 

Sylvia wanted to get up and move before she started on her "Mind your own business" tirade. She had performed it so often to others that she now with great pride had almost perfected it. As she opened her mouth to let the words flow with finesse, Nettie squeezed her hands and said Love is a wonderful thing, it runs so deep within us that sometimes we can't find it hidden in our deepest recesses. But it is there. All we do is have to do is awaken it. It is funny how we build a hard outer shell to save our soft underbelly. The harder the shell the softer we are. 

Sylvia sat in pure silence. These words. These exact words were spoken to her years back as she sat next to her dying Nana. How could this total stranger know? She felt years of hardness melting away. Her soul felt as though a key had been found and inserted into her heart, turned and released memories that that flowed across her mind like a beautiful comet with a long tail made of love. 

They spoke no more. Both lost in deep thought.

After the plane touched down. Sylvia reached for her backpack and stood to retrieve her duffle bag. Her heart still heavy with the thoughts of her Nana and where she had let her life go. The walls she built. She reached out, touched Nettie's arm and said, Nettie, thanks. All the while thinking of how a old woman on standby opened her eyes.

Sylvia fumbled around in her bag and placed a call that was very unplanned. 

Carly this is your mom I just flew into Pueblo, you and your sister want to meet for dinner?

My Gethsemane

Had I been permitted to see in my future I would of shuttered and cried out for mercy for the woman I saw there,
The one now, that if faced with more than two choices contemplates the simplest of choices only to fall asleep and try later to make them.
As the sun illuminates her room in the morning, she rolls over and blocks out the day. She used to wake before the sun to welcome each day. Almost tethered to the long morning shadows waiting to partake of the many choices and opportunities that lay before her.
The one who thought she had faith and trust in the Creator of all creations and creatures, and through photos and words tried to convey the admiration for every breath she took as she witnessed the grand gifts from God.
Now wonders how to suffocate the pain of living in doubt of being worthy of love, from her Creator.
Who knew nothing but love and trust of her fellow beings, to now feel unworthy of love, or trust.

In my weakness I reached out to the Lord. I fell at his feet for forgiveness. How could I be hated by man and God. I lay in a tormented brain of accusations and betrayal. What! What have I done to deserve this? Please teach me my sins that I may repent. That I may become whole again.

I was driven to study the atonement. For surely I needed it. I learned what I  already knew but didn't understand. In other word, I had heard this before but it was not embedded upon my soul. In a conference talk from 2012 I read

"Without an understanding of Heavenly Father’s perfect plan of happiness and the Savior’s Atonement as the central feature of that plan, these challenges could seem unfair. We all share in the trials of life together. But in faithful hearts is written, “All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of  Jesus Christ"."

Which lead me to read another's suffering without due cause

Job 1:22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.

But I did sin. I did charge God foolishly. I have said repeatedly that as a child, because of others abuses against me I felt unloved and unworthy of love. I asked God why was I sent to earth only to be unloved.

I have learn through study, prayer, humility, and temple attendance that I am loved. I do have sins but we aren't punished for our sins because those penalties have been purchased.

 D&C 19:18 Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

Luke 22:42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

 43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

 44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

I now have in a very small way felt what the Lord endured. With the literal pains I felt I too needed an angel at times. My angels came in all forms. The strength I have gained is incomprehensible. The pain I felt was incomprehensible. My heart aches at what I cried out to the Lord in my lack of understanding of the atonement. May He ever forgive me in my ignorance and pain, my sorrow and weakness.

We are not punish. We are forgiven. We are chastened to repent. Repent for sins. Sins we know we sin. Sins of ignorance to learn they are sins. Sins against our Creator. Our fellow beings. Ourselves. If we cross this life without forgiveness or forgiving then they become our sins and we are punished. We have returned the gift unused and now must pay our own way.

I will never grasp what He endured in Gethsemane. As I endured my Gethsemane I too became soaked through tears and sweat. Pain and agony. I fall to my humble knees in thanks be to Him that he spilt his blood for me on the olive tree.


This is a perspective I fell in love with as I study about Gethsemane  and personal Gethsemane's.


From what I have learned, the process of extracting oil from olives begins with the picking and then bruising and crushing of the fruit. The crushed and broken fruit is then collected into baskets which are stacked one upon the other. They are then placed under the press where tremendous pressure is applied to them. This process slowly crushes the oil from the fruit. The pressure that is applied is firm and fierce, steadily increasing over time until the red stained oil contained therein is extracted from the once unblemished fruit.
http://ponderit.lavalane.org/2005/12/olive-press-and-atonement.html

Answer To A Prayer

Luke 7:40 And Jesus answering said unto him, Simon, I have somewhat to say unto thee. And he saith, Master, say on.
41 There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: the one owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty.
42 And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most?
43 Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou hast rightly judged.

I have turned a corner or about face. My trials are burdens but I learned they are lessons also.  Today I realized that I knew the gospel but did not believe it.

I have learned I was or am a mockery to my God and Savior. I was taught all my life how to live the gospel, I have no more than rehearsed for "life's play".  But I have been brought before the light and permitted to look into my soul. In there is a little girl that did right not because she knew what was right but because she didn't want to do wrong.

She or I have no faith. Only believing in works. Every time a trial came I knew I was not loved. I had tried to do right but fell short of His approval once more. I soon reasoned I could never be loved. I went through the motions but never gained ground.

This was written just before I went to the Temple. I prayed the Lord would teach me how to believe.

As Eve then Adam made a choice that would ultimately bring on death my teaching started.
As Adam and Eve are now banish from Eden they built an alter. An Angel asked "why do you make sacrifices"? Adam answers "I know not why but I was commanded". The Angel then said "Repent, and pray unto the Lord for ever more.
Moses 5:5-8

I was no more than Adam. Making sacrifices but I knew not why. Obedience without faith or knowledge will not get you testimonies. You can live worthy of the Holy Ghost but receive no witness without asking for one.

I must warrant the Lords love for He brought me to my knees. The pain I feel as he used the people I love the most to do it. To bring my family to so much destruction has made me realize that he does indeed love me. I felt I lost it all. I searched for the reasons, who was to blame. It is me. I have so little testimony. It took the only reason I live to see that I can't obtain the next life on obedience alone.

It is easy to blame others as they fought to do what they felt was right. I had no idea what was right. I hadn't prayed. The choices I made relieved pain for a fleeting moment. Without the all knowing sight of the Lord through prayer my choices now haunt me. For who knows how long.

When you hurry through today to get to tomorrow while out running yesterday it soon grabs you by the ankles. You fall face down ,belly flop into the dust. You find yourself filthy and trying to get up on your feet again. From flop to feet no matter what, you pass by your knees. While there, at my knees, I stopped to finally pray. Not my normal, merely pass through the lips prayer, but a gut wrenching, soul searching, for crying out loud prayer.

I can't explain how weak I am, how scared I am, how ugly and burdensome I feel.
How months ago I could of conquered the world. I had built what felt like a safety net, but it got a small snag in it and has grown so big I fell through.

I am a debtor. The bill is due.
Can I trust in the arm of flesh and put my sins back in my hole?
Or can I trust in the Lord to take this away, forgive me and make me whole?

 I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most.

Mired in Thoughts

Courage, My New Strength

I have been told all my life that I have great strength. My great strength was not what I endured but how. That strength others saw was my weakness. 

My show of strength was how I quickly tied up my trials with the most beautiful bow of shame, laid it in my lovely box of guilt, then placed a titanium lock of anger so no one got near it.

See I never really had a true testimony of the "Plan". Think of it this way. After Adam and Eve had partaken of the forbidden fruit satan didn't tell them to run because your going to die. Oh no, that was a truth. Yes they would surely die. But first the Plan of Happiness would start. Good or bad. Bitter or sweet. And of course blessings of babies. No, satan told them to run and hide, that God would see their nakedness. And satan's second gift was given, shame (satan's first being lies). Which left unchecked turns to guilt. But our Father in Heaven taught our first parents in all principles.

Shame in a true form leads to remorse then to repentance and then forgiveness.  But without proper guidance like in the example above it can lead to guilt. The guilt I came to embrace. The feelings that others atrocities against me were my uncleanliness, my sins, my nakedness, my shame, my guilt.

I soon has a box so stuffed full that I lost the love of the Lord. That is how I saw it. He doesn't love an unclean thing. I knew that much. No matter how hard I tried to live the gospel or embrace faith, I just couldn't. That stupid box of misunderstandings stood in the way. I hated no one. They were my sins. Who could I blame but myself. As an innocent child I took the blame. I had decided the Lord just didn't care for me.

Satan is good. Real good at what he does. He lets you carry burdens that aren't yours and teaches you to blame others for your wrongs.

Well I wish I had a nickel for every time I fell
And blamed somebody else
I'd give a ton of money to the ones I've hurt
And I'd still be sittin' pretty well

Bob Seger - Lock And Load

Through the Priesthood, Temple, and the hand of the Lord. My understanding has grown. See, my "strength" has been shattered. My box has broke to pieces and as I tried to gather in my "hidings". I too have been taught from on high.

This trial IS more than I can endure. The blessing that stands out the most is that breathing is involuntary. I gave up eating, thinking, sleeping, waking, praying, caring. But breathing was a constant companion. Thank heaven.

Through Temple attendance, Priesthood, and the hand of the Lord. I have gain my own knowledge that there is free agency. We are free agents. To act upon and be acted upon. The Lord can not intercede. We can act or react. We will forgive or be forgiven. Or hopefully we proceed in that direction.

I have read my patriarchal blessing (I wish it was a zillion times but it is closer to a million) for the first time since I have found the Lord loves me and satan lives to tell me otherwise. There are a few things in my blessing that gives me courage and knowledge that the Lord knows me and loves me. Now, for courage to live up to these. Courage to recognize my own sins and weaknesses and not feel guilt and fault for others misdeeds.

Lastly. The pains of sorrow I feel for the turmoil I have dragged my love of my life, Tom, and our family through. It is true, if you don't love yourself you can never truly love. I never said I love you to them. Only out of guilt because they said it first. 

I never let true emotions flow. Only the one I couldn't control, anger. They never knew where I stood. Because I had guilt to hide. 

Time and time again Tom would ask me if I loved him. If I was happy. Why I couldn't be open with him. 

If you have to ask then you have to wonder.

There lies true strength. He loved me always. Even when he didn't feel it back. 

My testimony grows in the understanding that my Savior loves me. He lives. He listens.  As I entered under this sacred carving, "Holiness To The Lord", needs were met, answers were given, calm was gifted. 

I am still weak but daily the Lord challenges me with growth and tools to over come. By forgiving myself and giving the sins I harbored of others to them so I can forgive, then the hope of being forgiven has made the most important tool of prayer real for the first time in my life. 

I wondered why so late in my life did I receive this trial. Well one blessing is I am too old and tired to keep running from the Lord. I only have enough energy to fall to my knees to weep and pray.

If any of this gives you answers to your whys, I will feel blessed.