What brought this up is something strange or funny about me. If there is something that bothers me I somehow push it back until there is a trigger. Most people I know just get it out and deal with it. I really don't like to deal, I am a hoarder of feelings.
What triggered this one is fall, (the season). For those in the cattle business it means "shipping".
I feel the crispness and hear the whipping wind rustling the leaves and know it is time. I have done shipping since childhood, so the season change brings up thoughts like the fading of spring that stands aside for the heat of summer congers up the thoughts or memories of swimming.
What flooded in this time wasn't the dust kicked up from the heels of cattle while sorting them, nor the constant bellowing of calf or cow as they are separated nor shouting of people to override the noise of the cattle to yell out, cow, heifer, steer as they are directed to different holding pens.
It was Chris, my nephew. His face as he came up to me and said "You don't have to leave, sorry for what happened".
As simple as that my many years of memories of shipping have changed. A simple act of kindness in a storm of abuse changed my memories.
I wasn't invited to shipping last year but I came anyways because I had two cows and their calves to gather up. As the shock registered on the faces of those who were welcome, my brother did what he always has, he walked up to me and yelled "Your not welcome here and you need to leave right now". Then he turned and walked off expecting me to fear and obey like I always have,
I answered back that I had every right to be here.
He said " I can't hear you but all you do is lie so it is not worth hearing".
Immediately Chris came to me with a face of I don't know, shock, hurt, concern, and said "You can stay Aunt Ginny, sorry about what my dad said".
There it is, it took me a year to see the whole picture. Do I apologize for actions of others or do I go to the source of the action and tell them they were in the wrong?
Enabling is as simple as that. To enable someone to keep treating themselves or others without recourse or consequence.
There is history of these actions. Like the time Chris told me to go get my father's guns because they were promised to me, then I was accused of stealing them. I contacted Chris to vouch for me and he wrote back,maybe if you start being nice.
Enabling in its purest form. Willing to let someone be thought of as a thief because you can justify how the are treating the person you are enabling.
Then there is the time we were having a ranch meeting and the accusations went wild from my brother towards my husband. Chris stood up and said "I am leaving and it is not because of you Uncle Tom". He walked out the door and so did my brother. We finished the meeting in peace.
Once again a lost chance to stop the abuse from my brother.
I once asked the Bishop to meet with Chris and I. As we were leaving the Bishop challenged each of us to make an improvement to the troubles that brought us there. Bishop asked me to learn of the Atonement more fully and apply it to my life. He turned to Chris and told of how he (the Bishop) had to once tell his dad that he was out of line. That dads should and do become our heroes but they are not perfect. Sometimes they need correction just like children do and sometimes it is the child who needs to do it.
I bring this up, yes, in hopes Chris will see what he is doing, but also to put myself in check. I am married to a very, what I would say is like the description that Lehi on his death bed gave of Nephi as his brothers were always abusing Nephi.
1 Nephi 1
25 And I exceedingly fear and tremble because of you, lest he shall suffer again; for behold, ye have accused him that he sought power and authority over you; but I know that he hath not sought for power nor authority over you, but he hath sought the glory of God, and your own eternal welfare.
26 And ye have murmured because he hath been plain unto you. Ye say that he hath used sharpness; ye say that he hath been angry with you; but behold, his sharpness was the sharpness of the power of the word of God, which was in him; and that which ye call anger was the truth, according to that which is in God, which he could not restrain, manifesting boldly concerning your iniquities.
My husband does talk with much sharpness and plainness and plenty of times I have approached him on it, but I can't recall apologizing to someone for it.
An enabler is someone who doesn't try to correct it, it is someone who apologizes for it.
We are not innocent bystanders if we don't step in and stop wrongful actions. We will answer for what is called the sin of omission. To tell a lie is a sin to not tell the truth or in other words remain silent is a sin of omission. Both will be answered for. Enablers think they have love or respect or believe they can change or cover up abuse be it physical, mental, drug or alcohol or pornography . They only add to or prolong the activity. They are part of the problem and not solution.
A positive enabler is one who enables those to get help.
