Child, I Tried

I have been receiving dreams again. My before dreams/long ago dreams encouraged me to walk a path I wasn't sure of.  In fact I feel they left me on the edge of a cliff with my toes dangling over and a stiff wind at my back.

While studying Acts we read of Paul receiving a dream, he struggles with it’s meaning. Felt he may not of understand what the Lord is trying to tell him.

I too have struggled that I misinterpreted my dreams. Over time the meanings become more enlightening. As one recent dream came I told the Lord “No thank you”. My life is going good and I just didn't want any help. Especially since the last dreams left me in dire straits.

I went as far to tell the Lord that I had decided to be grateful but on top of that I would not ask a dang (I used the real word) thing of Him in another prayer. And to please take away these dreams, that I was not going to give them any credence by even jotting them down in my journal.

Yep I was watching for a lightening strike and I didn't even care.

Like I said earlier they had started. The first one, I was out and about somewhere and my sister Patti walked up to me and started to rehearse all that she had been up too. It was like she hadn't seen me for a long time and wanted to play catch up. I remember not really listening but just looking at her then a thought came to me, What the heck. She acts like nothing has even happened. Tell her, tell her how you felt, how you feel.” I didn't, I walked away.

I did wonder if the Lord was telling me walking away is ok. I had, so maybe He was reaffirming that it was the best thing I could do. But as I stated earlier I did not want to spend time dwelling on my dreams. Didn't want to encourage the Man upstairs.

So weeks pass and I have another dream where Patti has come up to me and is talking again. This time I don't stand there long at all. I remind myself that she/they will do anything to win, the trust is gone. The trust was equivalent to living beyond your means, spent and living with a debt to repay.  There is no reason to stay. I walked away again.

I completely ignored this dream. Didn't try to analyze it in any way. I just didn't care and I didn't care who knew it. Which really means I had told the Lord those days of dreams were over, I was done.

Nope didn't stop them from coming. Again weeks later another one. This time Tom and I have gone to a memorial, a celebration of someone's life. When we get there I realize Patti is putting on this memorial, that made sense. That is how I met this person. It was through Patti and Terry.

When it was over Patti came to me, she had a small stack of 3x5 cards in her hand. She pulled one out and said I want you to do the Temple work for this person and handed it to me. I looked at it and it was for the woman that we were celebrating. I told her I could do that and I would love to. Patti then fanned through the other cards and said these others I want other people to do, not you. I noticed she had one for our parents. I told her their work is done. She told me that everyone had work to be done in the Temple. I tried to explain, unless you complete it while your alive. She started to argue with me so I turned to leave. I noticed my mother approaching and my father sitting further away in a chair at a table.

To interject when I dream of my parents if they are older it is a message from them. 

If they are young it is a message from the other side of the veil. Both were young in this dream.

My mother approached Patti and grasped her hands, she told her how proud she was of her finding an interest in the Temple and the work that goes on there.

I turned toward my father, I didn't go to him, I asked him questions, but we talked without words. 

What amazes me here, the questions I asked and the answers he gave. My questions were directed at being involved not taking over the ranch. This bears testimony that the Lord knew the true desire and intent of my heart. His answers show that this is an answer to my pleadings of years back, not now. I have no desire to ranch with people that will do anything not to have me around.

My conversation with my father went like this;

Me: Tell them not to ranch until I am welcomed

My father: They will only lie and say they told you you were welcome

Me: Tell them to invite me

My father: They will only deceive 

Me: Tell them to give me the dates of when they will be there

My father: They will only pick days you can't come

My father look down trodden and sorrowful. Helpless in providing for me.

I then woke up. And I completely tried not to think on this dream. And I succeeded, almost. Once again I was mad at the Lord and told him so.

In church we are studying Acts. We read of Saul who was so mean to the saints. Evil is more like it. An Angel comes to teach Saul. When the ordeal is over Saul is such a new man, so converted that his name is changed to Paul. He is a great missionary and apostle of the Lord’s, but many times he is reminded of the evil he did in his past by those who come to hear him preach. His past won't let go.

My dream flashed in my head. It came when I was unprepared to push it aside. It reminded me that the past is not necessarily our path. That I need to be prepared for people that may have a change of heart. I should discern if change has come or if they still want to believe untruth. Like the joy my mother felt in Patti and her new interest but that still Patti wasn't willing to hear the truth from me. My desire wasn't to prove her wrong but to teach her. 

Because of low self esteem for so long, I wanted to doubt myself instead of my sister. I wanted to over look her ignorance in this matter and judge me in the wrong. But what I believe I was to learn from this little interaction was, even though someone changes to value something you value it doesn't mean they value you. Because two now believe the same way one may still have resentment against the other. 

As for my father and his part, he represented the Lord. After this dream I yelled at the Lord one day. I asked where is my angel that brings on change. How come I don't get miracles.

Just recently I learned a truth that most master much sooner than me. Agency. We all have it. We all use it, and with that agency we can bind the Lord’s hands.

I asked My Father for help. His hands were tied through lies, deception and hate. He can send an angel to teach me but not to change others for me.

Where was my angel, well it was standing me up when I felt betrayed. It was loving me when I couldn't love. I didn't need an angel to change me, I needed one to comfort me.

I learned I need to keep asking the Lord for help. He heard me. He told me, Child, I tried, but their agency prevailed.

I guess I will welcome my dreams. They are a lot easier to swallow when you stop to understand, to learn. One day I will quit kicking against the pricks.

Acts 9:5

And he said, Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.

Liberty

A friend of mine taught me this invaluable lesson, when you have pain or sickness, it is the Lord teaching you. She taught me how to pray for insight of what I needed to take away from this trial. The answer always comes in just a one word answer. 

At the time she taught me this I was having an issue with a shoulder and my gut. I prayed about each separately, one right after the other. Each word released a flood of tears. One was courage and the other was strength. Those two words were so applicable in so many ways in my life at this time. They were words I danced around. It was the release and renewal I needed. It didn't cure my pains, my pains as they nagged at me was a reminder of the courage and strength I needed to endure life at this time.

Then this sweet friend turned to me and said “You talk of a recurring dream. Will you pray to find out the witch's name.”

I was stunned. I thought it was only for pain and sickness. She informed me it was for anything that weighs on me, on my heart. This prayer will not give direction. It can only give the kind of answer that helps toward understanding.

So I prayed again and received the name of the witch. It was Ranch. As I thought over the next few days, weeks, it made since, I think. In my dream I needed to realize this witch couldn't harm me. Once I did I walked right past it and it disappeared. So the witch is ranch, I reasoned it was because I was fighting to change the history/attitude of the ranch. Over the generations those that proceeded in ranching did so by strength and pride not by what was right. At anytime people were muscled out, replaced, shunned. I wanted to change that. I faced the witch, I was then muscled out, replaced, shunned.

As I took my dogs on their walk the other morning I had decided I had too many to walk through Vernon so I took them up the mountain into the pines and junipers. They chased every scent they found. They looked like kids out on recess. I wasn't having to remind them to stay out of yards or any other in town rules. 

As I walked I noticed the junipers were loaded with berries. More so than previous times. They glowed like a fluorescent sage color when the sun shone on them. I took pictures of them, along with plenty of wildflowers. 

Then it occurred to me I should start some sourdough. By using juniper berries it jump starts the souring process considerably. And of course I have to name my sourdough. The thought came to me to name it Liberty. I don't know why that name but it felt appropriate . So it was settled it would be liberty but first I wanted to see that word in Hebrew.

After returning from my walk I did a few things then finally sat down and studied the word liberty in Hebrew. The Hebrew language has different words for the different meanings of said words. They are just a syllable off from each other. Unlike our language that spells words the same with completely different meanings. Like lie. Just one of many.

The one I was searching for was Hofshi. It is pronounced like “off she” but you do say the “h”. Hoff she. This is the liberty as in liberating. Not at liberty to take or receive something. The full down to the very soul taste of freedom.

So Hofshi it would be. 

Today as I drove my babies out of town again for a walk I minced around some of yesterday's thoughts. Why was liberty my word of the day? I am in the exact same place doing the exact same thing but not feeling as liberated as I did the day before. Not that I felt trapped today just not as soul touching as yesterday. I let my mind wander and it took me back to the witch. The one named Ranch. It was after all these years answered. I am truly liberated. I have Hofshi. 

At first it was not easy to return back to Vernon after being abruptly removed. Over time it has become easier. But now that I have walked past the witch and can freely move about the way I desire. Not having to please the pride of others it truly is hofshi. 

To think the Lord has been preparing me for this day since I was eight. The day I would be liberated from having to be a certain way to remain a part. Like the Law of Moses, it was all how you were to perform. You were judged on how you did things not by your heart. The Lord came to satisfy the Law. And He did. He liberated us from outwardly ordinances and judgement and taught us to use our hearts.

I hope my tangible Hofshi taste as good in my belly as the taste of truly knowing Hofshi in my heart.

Some Of The Sweetest Things Are Made Sweeter

What is mercy and grace?

Mercy is the compassionate treatment of a person greater than what is deserved. 
The Lord extends mercy when we fall short of our potential. Some things we can accomplish on our own but yet we don’t. Something interfered, time, patience, motivation, sin. We just stopped progressing. We show mercy when we help others to obtain when they fall short of obtaining the obtainable.

Grace is the help or strength given through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ.  Grace from the Lord is when no matter how strong, smart, fast, or sinless we are, there are tasks that are beyond our ability to perform or accomplish.  Grace on our part is when we give or help another with something that is beyond their capabilities.  

This winter I started sweet potatoes in water hoping to harvest some slips for planting. This was in Vernon, then life came blowing in and I was not able to return to care for them. By the time I returned they had run short of water, molded and died. It was now late in the spring pushing toward the heat. My only option was to order some from a seed company. 

I had decided to not worry about sweet potatoes this year. If I placed an order I would have to purchase more than I have room to plant and I felt it would be wasting too many. I could always start again next year. Heaven knows I tried. I fell short,  I’ve started them time and time before but it just didn’t workout this year.

As I was fixing supper for Tom and I in Mesa I reached for some sweet potatoes that I had purchased recently and low and behold they had started to sprout. I had them stored in a plastic sack in the top of the milk separator with a coat I had just thrown on top for easy access for morning walks.

I don’t know if this is mercy or grace. I have plenty of times started slips, You just have to poke tooth picks in them, place it in a jar of water in the sunlight and patiently wait for sprouts. Then break the spouts off and place them in a jar to sprout roots. All in all it takes hardly any work but plenty of time.

I took those spouted sweet potatoes and put them in a large bowl of water. I then left for Virden for two days. When I returned my sprouts that were still attached to the potatoes had grown roots. They are exactly were I needed them to be to plant before it gets to hot for such young shoots. Sweet potatoes love the heat but like most young and tender things they need a fighting chance before it gets too hot.

So answer me, was this mercy? I know how to accomplish this, I have many times but I fell short, they were neglected and died. Did the Lord provide something greater than what I deserve? 

Or was this grace? Did the Lord go beyond what I couldn’t do myself. Over the years I have tossed out many a potato that molded and spoiled from sitting in plastic bags. I don’t believe I could purposely start slips in this manner.

One thing I do know, I was blessed with sweet potato slips. A small gesture of One who knows my hearts desire and every now and again sees fit to send a helping hand.

Oh forget it, maybe it’s a miracle.

Raise Your Hand

The range wars are over. Here is the Readers Digest condensed version, following this is my day after it happened, emotions raging, windy version.

In short you can’t fight hate. My brother and sister applied my inheritance of land and grazing rights to a loan between my father and Tom. Even after they told me that they would wait upon the sale of some property, thereby financially enriching themselves with raising cattle the rest of their life time. It sold before the note was due. They refused to reverse the inheritance in exchange for money. They along with my other sister and two cousins even went as far as contacting our realtor with a threatening letter to stop selling the property. He had no fear of their false claims.
They have gone to great lengths to rid themselves of me.
General a Conference started my healing, the cherry on top was seeing first hand that Steve can bully me no longer.
In our settlement agreement between a Steve, Nancy, Patti, Cody, and Don; we has 28 days to remove our personal equipment off the family property. We agreed upon a neutral person to be present when we went. It was written that Tom would contact this person and make arrangements. Within three days Steve had the audacity (odd ass is he) to call him and then they sent their farm hand to talk with him. That is total breach of the binding settlement. That is Steve, still having to interfere and bully into my life,
After April we should have no more contact. It is over.
I wonder how Steve will ever satisfy his drive to bully. I fear for the person he will use scratch his itch.
Just a warning, that group has a lot of smoke and mirrors but not enough cover up their bullshit. Be careful around them.
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Last we spoke to our lawyer she said that we are going to try and prove we owe nothing more on the family trust. Seeing that amount could of been substantial.

Also to agree on how much I should be paid on the buyout of the ranch llc.

Lastly, knock the fees down on what we owed to their lawyer to a reasonable amount.

I will confess that I feared we would owe them so much, that what I got from them would be a smittance. 

My dad didn’t keep records of what we paid him on a business loan between my father and Tom. As Tom double checked our records he didn’t find all of the payments. We knew we were up to date. When it turned out to be push comes to shove, the hand of the Lord prevailed and all was revealed to Tom where to find them. Even the two cash receipts that my dad had signed. Of course they told the mediator they were forged. 

So they walked away from anywhere of thousands of dollars to ten times that, in just a blink of an eye.
They zeroed out the loan.  I pray that was someones conscience beckoning them.

Their number for the buyout was around, again many thousands, ours was a lot more. They offered a tenth of what they claimed. We settled on just short of what they knew it was worth.

Lawyers fees were kicked off the table. Each would take care of their own.

The mediator met with their side first. When he came to us he introduced himself and then made a statement of there is much hate coming from the other side. 

I didn’t ask him how thick it was but to come out of the starting gate with a comment like that,  all Tom said was, “We know.”
Over all these years I've repeatedly said, you can't treat family like this or I don't understand why they are doing this. Now I do.  Now I can see it is best to completely steer clear of them, it is hard because I still see their worth and love them.  But hate is a strong.  It is something that takes over you, it is a decided emotion, a hungry emotion.  It needs to be fed, and it has been on a feeding frenzy for a long time. 

They did try and get thirty eight thousand on a RICO law. They wanted money for my cattle grazing on state land. The mediator had only the lawyers meet to discuss this new development. It was not previously listed in the letter each side had submitted for pre mediation. Our lawyers told the mediator that we wouldn’t even discuss it because it was a last minute addition. Me and Tom both looked at each other and whispered “ More shit thrown at the wall to see what sticks.” Our lawyers had to school theirs. That is a federal law.

The Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act, commonly referred to as the RICO Act or simply RICO, is a United States federal law that provides for extended criminal penalties and a civil cause of action for acts performed as part of an ongoing criminal organization.

We started to move along, they wanted me to sell my share in the jointly owned property. That was hard to swallow. My lawyers kept repeating that I need to “divorce” my siblings. If they want to be away from you do you truly want to be attached to them? No, I don’t, but divorce is such a ugly word in my book. You exhaust all avenues before you go there. The other side said everything would be off the table if I didn’t.  It came down how much longer can you fight against hate. I paid a decent amount for the share, They said it's worth only around three quarter of what I paid. We did pay more than it was worth but we were purchasing it from a family member.  We felt it was only right.  I know he would of taken less because he wanted to be rid of the Nicoll partnership but we wanted to be more than fair. They bought it from me for a small, but nice profit.

Then one last development emerged, I can not lease or purchase any property in the township around the family property but it was kicked down to a smaller mapped out area.

I know this makes it sound like room temperature butter on hot toast but in truth it was frozen solid butter on a still frozen eggo waffle. It didn’t spread so great and everyone kept shouting “Let go of my eggo.” Or in this instance “ my ego”. This lasted from around nine thirty in the morning until after six p.m.

The only request I had was a copy of my mother’s journals and my dads ranch notes. Not like them/ to sell property and a lifetime sentence of not purchasing more.

Well the journals have been distributed digitally for years. The bullies of course never gave me a copy nor my children. They told the mediator it would cost around two hundred to copy my dads writings. Tom offered our copier but they don’t want them in our possession. I was reminded that I had offered to pay for copies years ago. I smiled at the mediator and said “That was then.”

All throughout this the mediator said they have no money. The mediator told how they brought bank statements attesting to the fact. He also stated they told him how much we made in some land sale. He needed me to drop my financial demands. I just kept saying they have liquid assets, cattle sell weekly and the prices are good. They claim they can’t sell even one because they need them all to keep the ranch going. Cody even told the mediator that Steve had monthly been keeping the ranch afloat financially. 

Well I got lots of questions. So if you have less cattle doesn't that make operating cost go down? If mister money bags is having to foot a bill for something that I first hand witnessed could sustain itself then I think it is time to look over the management skills and make some changes. The first would be of course down size into something more manageable. That takes me back to the last meeting I had with them when Cody wanted to enlarge the herd and I felt we were maxed out but the vote went to enlarging. I had stated if it is too burdensome we could always sell some off and around thirty days later Don called me wanting to know why we enlarged if I had ideas of selling them off. That was one of many calls that I questioned if they sat around drinking and convincing themselves of my evil ways. I reminded him that Cody put forth the vote and we all voted. I just made a statement following the vote that made the pill easier to swallow.

But maybe Steve’s payments are really another buyout. Hum. 

Previously the mediator told us he had learned from them that we had sold some property for a large amount.  This was the cause of the mediator trying to talk us into going gentle on them.  They didn't have the funds he reminded us.
I'd like to know what this had to do with what the mediator had come to solve.  But we had faced this exact thing years previously.  When my personal family went through our trial, Cody make sure the court knew if they needed to punish Tom financially they could. He wrote to them telling them that we had multiple houses and autos.Cody was a tattle tail when he was young.  Thought he would of out grown it.  Both times the dirty little secrets didn't get him anywhere. Good for us, dang it for him. I didn't marry into money I married into hard work.  Everyone in that room had the same opportunities as we had.  They choose differently. Since we lived with tight belts and did without to finally have some financial freedom we were to not seek worthy damages in this case?
This is the exact socialistic mind set they have.  You have more than us so we should have to pay less than any value we agree on. Those with socialistic attitudes can not be happy for what others gain.  They can never be satisfied with their own earnings in life or even apply themselves more.  They live in a "whoa is me" state of mind. This is why the ranch is failing, their own personal finances are not satisfactory to them, let alone what the ranch has to offer, its just not good enough, big enough.   If your not satisfied, work harder with less.  Don't look at what others have and cry unfair. We worked for every penny.  We didn't take time to hunt, play sports, work for the government.  We hustled, worked our butts off, went without.  Made our own money.

Within the few years of kicking me off they have spent money on improvements that are no more than keeping up with the Jones.   The purchases will not pay for them self.   They purchased things that make it to where they don't have to come as often.  The greatest commodity they have suffered from not being checked on continually and constantly.  Yep, you may think the cattle but no, the grass.   I've never met a rancher in our area hauling hay to feed in the summer. Downsize if that is happening. They will blame it on us for running cattle in another area.  Bull shit.  You had too many in one area.  An area that sustained cattle before for the same amount of time.  Haul water.  I did, it gave the cattle the ability to graze areas farther from the overgrazed area around the watering hole.  Putting salt and licks didn't sustain them did it.  Nope, had to start hauling hay.
Do you grin from ear to ear every time you think of the number of animals you run.  Does it make you step a little higher, you cattle mogul, you.
I was called by a mutual acquaintance.  It was making them sick to see so many calves dying from lack of care.  They hauled hay during the harsh winter but only on weekends and to only one area, was their claim. I said my hands are tied and they stated I would of never let this happen. They said they were contacted by the Nicolls earlier and wanted to defend themselves of all the bad they had heard from me, then they started to tear me to pieces.  Our mutual friend informed them that I had never contacted them. They told me of how they watched me for years out there taking care of the cattle like they were my children. I believe with the loss they sustained over the few years and this winter is why they won't sell any.  They must of really got hit hard.

Since new request we’re flying around the room we threw one out. How about if Cody the victim in the up coming trespass court writes a letter to the prosecuting attorney and state that the family had come to a resolve. He stated he couldn’t do that because it would harm his “Special relationship” that he has with the Apache county sheriff department. Whoa, special. Front or back pocket special.

The last time the mediator came to us to reaffirm the other side agreed to all terms he said with a smile, maybe a smile that it was finally over, maybe a smile of what he was about to say was as ridiculous as it sounded. He informed us that the money was a hardship on them and the money in the trust that was to go for a kidney transplant was going to go to me instead.

If you don't know everything about gas lighting but this is a perfect example of it.  Over the last five years so many things have happened to family members.  Tom and I have either shared it or shared something about it.  We wanted prayers said in behalf of the needs for each.  We know we are being watch even by our enemies.  Not that we wanted their sympathy, no we are at the end of the day family.  We wanted to share with them that they may have the opportunity to know and participate in anyway they felt comfortable.
Gas lighting is holding emotional power over someone.  For the last five years they have hid good news, sad news, celebrations from us. It was the only power they had over us. The funny thing is it is powerless, we had no idea so the only power they had was the imagined power. They felt power having the mediator inform us in this way. It didn't work.  Our hearts break at hearing someone is suffering but to blame us for lack of money is not ours.  They have resources.
Another point of Steve's gas lighting is how he informed me that our mother had passed.  He called me and said "Your wish has come true your mother is dead." Can you see how he distanced his self by calling mom my mother, can read the shock value in accusing me of wishing her dead.
Again, they keep pushing the idea we are rich and they aren't and using the mediator to push that point is gas lighting. Trying so hard to make us feel guilty.  Does anyone remember that Cody just bought a ranch.  His own ranch.  Does that sound like someone who is hurting?  As for the others they made the choice to be happy with their income.
To think about it. the Nicoll family has a lot of people that believe there is power in not letting others mourn or celebrate along with you.  Even sickness of another cousins was kept a secret from us.  I hope they got or get the healing they need out of shunning family members.
We even had another that wouldn't give us the itinerary for the family reunion.  They stated we would receive one on our arrival.  As this request progressed on Facebook a family member that had received one sent us his.  I will ever be grateful to him for reaching out in that way.
These people lie by the lie of omission. They don't like Tom because he is loud, but you will always know where you stand with him.  No lie of omission in him.  Yes they are his opinion. It may not be a truth but it is a truth to him, which what our opinions are to us also.
What we posted on social media was truth from our side.  We are open honest people.  Not behind your back kind of stabbers.  Just like them contacting others to tear us down. I know with all my heart this was done in the family.  We are worse because we did it openly so people could defend themselves.  But to remain behind the curtain is okay.  That's kinda Oz.
It makes me sick how we would rather stand with people who lie by saying nothing, that shun those they can't agree with and hold a supposed power by withholding love and joy, sadness and mourning with those that are just as involved in the lives of others as they are.
No matter how hard you try, we are family and always will be.  The things you denied us only denied your capacity for growth, compassion, and unconditional love.

Sell some damn cattle you selfish, prideful, couldn’t run a business unless running into the ground means running it, bunch of bullies.
Get over yourselves.

One amazing truth that came from this, no matter how hard they tried to down play the worth of things, truth played out in that part of the dealings, numbers don't lie. Truth will prevail.

So I ask our waitress “If your siblings paid you about as much as we bought our first house for (I told her the amount), to not be their sibling anymore, would you?”

She said “Show me the money.?”

She then said something about sitting back and watching for karma to visit them.

I learned many things over these last fist bearing, fit throwing, fear thriving, faith promoting, forgiveness learning, family losing, friend cherishing, five years, it boils down to:

Love everyone

Trust no one

I have become my mother and father.  My mother had love for all, my dad had trust for none.  I encompass both.

As we all know there are laws or rules in society and courts but they don't for the most part have morals, or what is morally right.  My siblings being the trust executors were able to enrich themselves by taking what was given to all of us and transferring to it themselves.  The law says, yes do this, it is right.  But for those of us with a moral compass we couldn't do that.  So that is how this last five year fight ends.  A family trust trumps another's constitutional right.  One piece of advice I would leave with families, when it comes to picking an executor consider picking two neutral people that have nothing to gain in the outcome.  Don't leave the temptation of one gaining more than another to those that in your heart you wish will love each other to the end once you are gone.
Like they say, Money is the root of all evil.  You never know the caliber of person you truly are until you hold the riches of another within your grasp.

When you ask them they will tell you we owed the trust money on a loan from my father.  A loan my father initiated, he came to us.  After his death the loan still had almost two years before it came due.  We were in the middle of selling property to pay in full.  My siblings said they would wait on the sale.  They did not.  They took my inheritance to pay some of the amount due and waited for the rest, which we paid with the sale of the property before the due date.  They would not release my inheritance back to me.  They kept it as part of the payment.  This is legal.  This is not moral.
As we were selling the land our realtor received a letter stating from the Nicoll family that they were going to file with the realtors board against him if he didn't stop the proceedings of the sale. Of course our realtor dots all his i's and crosses his t's so that is as far as it went.

May the Lord bless you all. May karma, if she is real, stay her hand. I would rather you gently sail through this life and wait to pay the full price in the next.

As for me, if I can’t look someone in the eye on any given transaction I surely fear how hard it will be to look my Savior in the eye to justify my side.

My two desires throughout all this was to mediate (got that) and my other was to sit and look at each other to see the true pain we each caused, gain some insight into our collective hearts (denied this). 

I will accept the money, I would do almost anything to find closure, I just never, could never pay one red cent to divorce my siblings. 

Raise your hand if you could.

Stay Dry My Eyes

My wallet got stolen last week. Besides having to close all my cards and then having them all reissued again I also had to get a new temple recommend.

Sunday I am sitting across from my bishop. He is new to the calling so we sit and visit and become acquainted. Of course he asks the fatal question and I tear up again. After five years you would think I could just answer. 

In the seventies a fad started as we cruised Main, they were flip cards that you could hold up to the window of your vehicle and have a generic conversation with the car next to you. I think I need a set of those. After all these many years my answers remain the same, but the disadvantage is when I have to say them I cry. I think shuffling through my flip cards for the answer could become cold like I wish my heart would be. It is hard to cry with a cold heart.

I looked up and said “I could never do this to anyone, not even my worst enemy.” Then I told him the latest from my lawyers.

I could not take something from someone that is rightfully theirs. Especially if they loved it dearly. 

Many times I thought it had to be hate. I've even voiced that they must hate me. But I have to stop that. Hate is a secondary emotion. Hate masks the true emotion and until we can name that emotion we can not work on improving it.  

“In a Star Wars, Master Yoda explained secondary emotions perfectly - “fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” “

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/what-are-primary-and-secondary-emotions/

Plus, can one really know why someone does something?  That is another of my flip cards, You’ll have to ask them why they did such a thing. I can't think like them, nor reason like them.

Have you ever been so mad or hurt by someone you hoped the worse for them. It's funny but when I did fall pray to thinking that way I was never part of the punishment that I hoped would befall them. You know the ordinary boulder falling on them, a lightening strike, or a bear eats them. Just everyday stuff like that. Nothing I caused, just nature providing hope for the hopeless. But to take physical action against another is unthinkable. Even if the most you did was paperwork or sign in agreement.

I would love to hear the answer myself. “What is/was your motivation?” Not just from my brother and sister that are the trust executors but from all those that signed that they were satisfied with the trust distribution.  I wish at least one would share with me how the money or assets they acquired came at such a time in their lives that it had to be the hand of the Lord, a great blessing, saved them from some financial doom, that way I could see the larger picture of all that was torn from me and left me hurting for so many years. I too could take joy in another's happiness and realize my hurt played a part in fulfilling a need.

By April's end this should be resolved and over. I am ready. My heart has weathered the worse. I've been told I have truly lost what I have been fighting for all these years. I am ready to cross that bridge. Funny thing is every time I step forward, hear the creak of my weight on the first board, someone, mostly my lawyers, say “Barring a miracle or time may change the outcome”  it makes it harder to just cross it. I know they see the pain in my eyes and hear the hurt in my voice, and like me, they can not do this to their worst enemy let alone a friend or family member. It tears them up just relaying the truth.

I am ready to see what the Lord has in store for me. I know He loves me. Not to many people asked for severely challenged calf and receive one. Not very many mother's have watch their family implode and experience it's healing while she still has time to enjoy them.

With all my heart I know there is a judgement day. I will stand before my Lord and Savior I will see my life pass before me, I will feel the cool breeze of happiness and the searing rod of shame. The suns warming rays of joy and the bitter cold of unresolved sins. Those will be a beautiful elation and a awful realization. But before that happens I will embrace my parents, they will look me in my eyes and know I tried, I truly tried.

Near Tears

The other day my emotions were back and forth. At one moment I was over joyed, the next I was so melancholy I was close to crying.

One of the many stories in the Book Of Mormon is of the people of Limhi. They had fallen under the hands of a very burdensome king. Limhi sent some of his men out by night to find a people that might help them break free of the king that ruled over them.  His men soon returned without finding the people they were looking for but they did find a place where people had been annihilated and stumbled onto some plates with writing they could not interpret.

Modish 21:28 

  And now Limhi was again filled with joy on learning from the mouth of Ammon that king Mosiah had a gift from God, whereby he could interpret such engravings; yea, and Ammon also did rejoice.

These next verses tell of Mosiah interpreting and reading the plates to his people.  This best describes how I felt on what was in my heart that day. How my emotions could swing in such vast directions.

Modish 25:7-11

  And now, when Mosiah had made an end of reading the records, his people who tarried in the land were struck with wonder and amazement.

  For they knew not what to think; for when they beheld those that had been delivered out of bondage they were filled with exceedingly great joy.

  And again, when they thought of their brethren who had been slain by the Lamanites they were filled with sorrow, and even shed many tears of sorrow.

   And again, when they thought of the immediate goodness of God, and his power in delivering Alma and his brethren out of the hands of the Lamanites and of bondage, they did raise their voices and give thanks to God.

   And again, when they thought upon the Lamanites, who were their brethren, of their sinful and polluted state, they were filled with pain and anguish for the welfare of their souls.

I mentioned to Tom when he came home from work how I struggled with emotions all day. Later I messaged my baby daughter of my struggle also. 

I felt overjoyed knowing in just a few days the puppies would be going to their new homes. My days spent loving, feeding, cleaning up after, and training pups, and my nights helping mom care for pups were about over. I also felt sadness of not doing all that.

Besides my puppy time coming to a close I just found out we have a mediator agreed upon and a date to start on my, family feud, my, range war, my, I never saw this coming, insanity. After five years I was so happy to see the end was within my grasp. When it is all said and done it will ending the way I had asked from the beginning. Not in a court but in front of a mediator. With all to sit in the same room and see the pain we had all levied on each other. No matter how it is resolved, it will be a personal experience for each of us. Not two lawyers speaking in a practiced script to represent us. Then again I am scared it won’t be the cleansing I hope for, that maybe the healing I hoped for won’t begin once we see from each other’s perspectives.

Years ago while on a family trip we stopped at a museum and there was a calf with two heads or faces like Tom calls it. It wasn’t alive, just stuffed and mounted. I thought on that little creature. Wondering so many questions, like so many others most likely have. 

I have come to believe that creatures, the creations of the Lord, man on down to what is believed to be the last or least, that all are born with challenges. Some are seen or recognized right away. Others are hidden from plain sight. But nonetheless we are to help each and everyone, everything with these challenges.

I pestered or maybe peppered the Lord with many questions about this calf. For the last three years I would ask the a Lord when he was going to send me my “cash cow”. I had come to call it that. Not that I would gain a wealth in monies but a wealth of understanding, answered to my questions. I didn’t pray for one to be born this way but that one that was going to be born this way would to be sent to me.

I was given one. I have yet got to touch it, feed it, study its behaviors. Like every lesson that has been sent to me, it comes dragging a sack chucked full of patience. I am three hours away from Poly the polycephaly calf. I am a few days shy of finishing up my stewardship of puppies. 

This little calf won’t live long. They just aren’t built too. I do find it ironic that when humans are born this way they are assisted and cared for, as to live a full productive life. But in the same breath, humans are allowed to kill their unborn. But it is the complete opposite in animals. We protect their young but it bothers some that I choose to comfort this “oddity” instead of putting it down. I believe in life. And as long as any creature desires to try and live it should be allowed to endure what it can to survive. But with that said over the years we have put things out of misery when the light of life, the striving to live, has ceased to exist. 

My day of tipping back and forth between happiness and sadness has been interrupted. The Lord has sent me a diversion. He knows how I can rock back and forth between reality and “what if” until like a new mother, I have rocked this unfounded infant in my arms and stay down in a depressed state as not to wake the baby enfolded in my arms. In other words, I worry over nothing until I have no desire but to worry and do nothing.

Like Tom said “Ginny, the Lord truly loves you.” When he learned that I had asked for a two headed calf.

It is a weird conformation of having your prayers answered but it is a testimony of the power of prayer, of our Lords love for us, and sending us what we need when we need it. I think as time passes I will gain many other blessing from this calf being sent to me at this time. As with all my other challenges, as the dust settles I find more to them as time goes by, but for now I’ll take the assurance the Lord heard my questions and knows as I leap from one project that has consumed me that I will need another.

By the way, two faced it what we become if we allow ourselves, two headed is a challenge we learn to live with. I have met two faced people, I can’t wait to meet my two headed friend.

And a big sorry to Amanda who stated “I wonder what the Lord wanted us to learn from this calf.” It’s just me again sucking you into my vacumme of “Wierd questions with weird answers.” Be patient with me I think I have run out of question for now.

Be It Unto Me According To Thy Word

As I studied the January 6-13 Come Unto Me- Individual and Family study guide I came to a paragraph about two miracles, one of a barren woman, Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist,  and the other, a virgin, Mary, mother of Jesus. They both had an angel come and tell of a journey they were about to embark on. Complete miracles for each one and for us, one son would provide a saving ordinance, the other to be our Savior.

I started wondering if I had to wear their shoes how would I react. Both had to hold their heads high as some in the world would judge them. Their world crashing down around as they hear the whispers of; poor Joseph espoused to Mary and her being with child, or I can’t believe Elizabeth is having a child at her age. 

Whispers are cowardly and cruel but what really hurts is what we can say face to face with each other.

As I ponder on these thoughts it came to me that I too had been warned in a dream of a hardship that would be in my future. I was eight when I had a dream that a witch would stand between me and a place I love. A piece of land that is my inheritance. The dream conveyed to how I would freely walk on that land then suddenly one day out of no where there would be an obstacle very overpowering, compelling, and scary that I could no longer go there. 

I still can feel the fear to this day that I felt in my dream. When I recall the dream I don’t see me as third person, or watching it happen again, I feel it. All the emotions that were in the dream. I felt scared, deep dispair, no hope. But my desire to return to what I knew brought an anxiousness but not an anxiety. 

In my great desire to go beyond the fence that divided me and the land I would repeatedly approach the gate only to have the witch fly toward me or jump out from a hiding place. I would walk back to where I felt safe. I would contemplate giving up. I would wait a time and try again. It felt like forever before it was impressed upon my mind that the witch is not a physical being. That it can’t touch me, hurt me. I gained confidence and walked through the gate and right towards her. As I got close she disappeared.

In my dream I feared the witch. That was my only emotion. I imagine that both Mary and Elizabeth felt fear, like all first time mothers do. The unknown can frighten anyone. The unchartered course where no matter what, this baby is coming. No changing your mind or your path. 

My pup was having her first litter and I was sitting with her as I saw the signs of impending birth. She paced and then came and sat by me as I rubbed her belly. Then up and paced again. Suddenly like a shot had rung out she jumped up on my bed. I slowly stood and with a calm voice told her “No, you can’t have them there.” As she jumped down I saw the first one crowning. I helped her remain still. After that first one was delivered I moved the pup into the dark of the closet and there she remained as the others came. I saw her fear but she calmed as instinct took over.

I feared until assurance kicked in, in my dream. In real life not so much. Luke tells us Mary was troubled in seeing the angel. The angel said to her “Fear not.” After the angel explained the reason for the visit she said “Be it unto me according unto thy word.” 

No wonder she was chosen. She had a great trust and love in her a God. 

As I read that I decided to make a list in my morning study note book. I had two columns, one I labeled Unbecoming the other Becoming. Thinking my emotions had plenty of times not been very becoming of me. But as I accepted, studied, looked and found the hand of the Lord in my trials I was becaming. Became who I was born to be.  Not there, but becoming.

My “un” list side reads like a horror script. The words I chose to describe my emotions and ugly desires. But my “be” list side reads like I imagine Mary’s journaling might have read as she endured. Suffice it to say of how long or how bad my un list was the the first word listed on my be side washed it all clean. My first word was and is, forgiveness. That word is always hungry. Practically starving these days. Either from us not asking for it or extending it. I have other words listed but to look back at my list and find that is the first one to come to me, makes me think I really am Becoming.

My dream sustains me. My faith is at times is on crutches. The right crutch of hope, the left, Tom. My desire to do right guides me. My Lord loves me. My gospel is my foundation. And my heritage is worth fighting for.

Mary calls herself a handmaiden, I could never be as bold to call myself that, but my patriarchal blessing does. It is truly time for me to Become. 

Elizabeth and Mary’s stories are in Luke 1. Who is Luke? I found an article in the New Era that introduced the Four writers of the New Testament. Luke came after Christ mission and life on this earth. His stories are taken from eyewitnesses. His account from these two women don’t come from catching bits and pieces from others. They come from talking to the women themselves. What a wonderful experience he had. Talking to those that personally endured. That witnessed. That became. What a gift he has given us.

Betty’s Lawyer

The hand of the Lord is a mysterious thing to behold. His timing is only understandable many miles down the road when you can turn and look back to see from whence you came, to see the broad expanse that it covers.

One morning in February of ’16 we received a call that our Holstein heifer was in St. Johns. That is forty miles from where she is pastured by road. Around twenty miles as the crow flies, barring the fences don't stop her.

Oh we knew she was missing. This was the third time her and her herd mates had been pushed through the gates onto the neighboring ranch. The first time we were called we were able to find their tracks walking the fence line on the way to water. The tracks stopped at a gate that had not been used for years with truck tracks stopping there also. At the gate all tracks ceased on our side but cattle tracks only continued on the wrong side.

By the third time they were missing we called the neighboring rancher but he hadn't come across them. They were finally reported five miles away. Three watering holes and four fences away. All were accounted for except the two Holsteins, a heifer and a steer. The cattle were headed toward Springerville not St. Johns.

Weeks later we receive a call from a rancher in St. Johns. Seems he found a Holstein heifer on his ranch. He runs cattle on the far side of our neighboring rancher. He said he had had her a couple of weeks trying to get some healthy fat back on her. He doesn't winter over there but he had gone to check on his place and came across the poor thing. The cattle inspector gave him our number from her brand.

We were so happy to have our Betty back. We brought her to the valley to help with her recovery. She put her weight back on and was still her sweet loving self.

 Oh I got to mention here the second time they were missing the small herd had walked to the neighbors head quarters to find water. He didn't bother to bring them in. Just figured we would gather them and push them back. We drove to his ranch to see where they were and he pointed and said “They were just on top of that ridge, must just be on the other side.” I called out loudly “Betty” about two or three times. Within a minute she was peeking over the top of the ridge and soon was running down it towards me. 

Between him and his hired hands I don't know who had the most shocked face.

Skip to 2017, we bought Betty a farm. She had a baby and gave us milk. 2018 another calf and more milk. 

But the story doesn't end there, this is not the happy ever after. There is more. It is almost time to tun around and see the whole picture. The Lords blessing and experience His timing.

The farm has water rights. Those water rights are always being challenged by others down river. Who if, I might add don't use the water, they sell it off to large cities. But that is another drum to beat another day. Our son wanting to protect our water rights and also being hired as the ditch boss goes to a meeting of Greenlee and Hildago counties Gila River water users meeting. They have brought in a lawyer, number one in the state of Arizona on water rights to give a brief lecture and answer questions. He is from Apache County. St. Johns as a matter of fact.

My son after it was over told him in a private conversation that we have land in Apache County and foresee in the future that we will be fighting over water rights. 

He gave our son his number and told him I don't want a retainer fee until the need arises but call my office and leave a list of names so incase I get a call from them I can say I am already retained by you.

Is it not a miracle, a man could rescue my Betty and he have a talent that one day could rescue me. Blessed is the name of our Lord and Savior.