Wednesday, October 18, 2017

My Side of a Slippery Slide

Let me express my joy in getting to answer these accustions. I have stated from the first how bad I have wanted to do this. I did have one small hiccup. I asked for a mediator. I told them they could pick him or her and I would pay. Then there were times I thought we would meet in front of a judge and I could now be free of the weight these known and unknown accusations put on me. But that never came about either. I did ask my bishop many times to call us in. How badly I needed resolve. But that also was no to be.
I am troubled on how this email is not laden with facts but with unfounded statements. It states how Don feels or he is convienced. I have been accused, tried and found guilty. No facts, just perceptions. I was denied the ability to be heard because they fear an outsider for some reason. The reason stated later in his email makes no sense to me.
This email I am answering is long. I feel the need to warn anyone that is reading along. But this is more for me, than for anyone who wants or desires to know where I stand in all this. I do ask that anyone who is interested to keep an open mind and a prayerful heart.
With that said lets get started.
PREFACE page 1

(i) I answered all questions before I was kicked off. I recall you called one day while I was checking cattle and you wanted an accounting for the year so far. I told you I would have it to you by the end of the day and I did. You had the right through the Arizona Revised Statute to come by and make all copies of accounting that you wished for or needed. You never did. But I have asked multiple times of when I could come to your house and make my copies. Not once did you provide a time let alone an answer. I do have texts if you need a copy of them.

(ii) Please show proof of me paying my family. I never did. They took time away from work and their homes to be with me. Please present facts not spectulations.

(iii) I had a geat desire to ranch. Not to run the ranch. I tried to stay in touch. I emailed but Cody said he already got way to many emails and they got lost in the shuffle. Now I will speculate here but he said he likes calls. Calls are a he said she said. Emails and text are proof. I tried Donnie's private Faceook page but Cody said no way. I tried Steve's google docs but Cody said he didn't like that there was only one admistrator. At the last meeting I asked how do I communicate and there was no resolve. A side note, I took Jesse to the last meeting because I felt I needed a witness to the proceedings. Jesse recorded the meeting. We checked he still has it after three long years. So I have proof of asking and not receiving an answer.

(iv) It is not that we won't admit what we have something wrong, we have waited and waited to answer your accusations. We could see no wrong in what we did. If you look at our phone records we call Cody once or more a week. I was very open on Facebook, to the point I was in trouble. I shared to invite, to give a daily accounting, to let extended families see what their forefathers did. I had no other motive than to share and teach. I did not share to scream look at what I own, look at what I did, I love our heritage and wanted all within our circle to enjoy it also.

A. Please share your convincing evidence. I so tried to answer. You would not except that I felt a need for an impartial person to hear me out. Why do you fear one? You state they (Tom and Ginny) would not answer then you only addressed the email to me. We were willing to sit down but you would only let me come to a meeting. This email in reference came after they kicked me off. Not before. I will throughout this answering time state if what I am answering is before or after I was kicked off. Kind of a BK ( before kicked off) and AK (after kicked off). As you see they asked questions after they had made a decision to kick me out.

B. From the first I asked to be heard. I asked for answer from you. I told my side of the story to who would listen. If the shoe was on the other foot and any of you three would of been kicked off I do believe you would of taken some sort of recourse. I chose social media. It has worked for me. I have stated facts. If you wanted it to stop then you should take time to listen and not judge. If you dont believe I felt betrayed, hurt, suicidal, unloved, alone. I know the depths of alienation and all others you mentioned above.

C. Why would I want to spend time with you and not my husband. I made sacred covenants in my religion that bind me to him more than any other family member. I don't understand why you would expect me let alone ask me to leave him behind and come to you. Under what cause did Tom have to stay away. Will you please explain? What really crosses my mind is if we did embezzle money and steal equipment then why did we only have to change our ways or stay away long enough to statisfy some standard you had and not reconcile our debt.

D. I concluded the same from you guys. Let me state facts. Cody proposed at a meeting to buy some preg. heifers. We voted on it, I mentioned if we did run short on money we could always sell a few just to get by. A week later you called me wanting to know why I wanted to buy if I was only going to sell. I did not want to sell, heck I didn't really want to buy, I wanted to put money into winter feed. I aked why are you calling me and not Cody, he proposed it and we voted. Another time Cody found some desert preg cows to by from someone he knew. It was voted to purchase them. One cow never calved or if she did then something happened to it. Why was I called again for that by Steve. Cody proposed it and knew the buyer. I have been on the carpet the whole time, for things voted on by all and proposed by others. You were not and are not and easy partner to be with. Especially when I had to take the blame for so many things out of my control.

These are the Missed Signs mentioned above

E 1 1 page 4 I did say I was overwhelmed. I reached out for help. I was gone from my family. Tom came up on weekends to help me and mostly to be with me. Don did ask to take over bookkeeping. That was not overwhelming me, that aspect is easy as not much transpires a month. But both times on my weekly call to Cody I mentioned that Don had asked for the books and Cody said no they are fine where they are at. I was honest at all times. There seems to be a pattern of the others not being honest with each other. I have no proof only that I was always in a tug of war that I did not produce for myself.

E 1 2 page 4 I did not say that. But what proof do we have since it was a call. What I did say is that is how my dad did things with us. We let purchases add up to make sure he had enough money until the cattle sold. Then he would write us a large check to cover the amount. Some times it even went longer if he had a well go down or had some other purchase coming up. I just did the same. So if an emergancy came up we hadn't whittled away the account before we went to auction.

E. 1 3 page 4 To explain the numerous request, remember I was at the ranch taking care of things because at my call for being overwhelmed no one stepped in, so the only way I could get invoices copies was to go to Mesa. Why did you not offer to come up or just go to our place in the valley and make a copy. For not being approved, once again Cody was asked and told you another answer.

E. 1 4 page 5 Yes it was months later that you were interested in them. I did bring them to the meeting which if I recall was not in november it was last of sept or early oct because we were deciding where to send the calves to auction. You did not ask for them. I brought them. Steve asked for copies of the checks. I thought that was wierd and I said you want copies of the checks. Yes you guys had already deccided not to "create an uncomfortable situation" so instead of in the quite of a meeting asking for them and letting me fail which I wouldn't have you wait a few more months and kicked me off the ranch. Yes I should of slinked away in the dark of the night with all that I had been accused of but never did. But instead I shone the spot light on you and you take as I am the one that is unkind. Wouldn't it had been easier to ask? Wouldn't it had been kinder to let Tom and I meet with you or let me have a mediator? Remember we have a recording of this meeting.

This is just the tip of the iceburg. I will work on the next pages over the next few days or weeks and release them as I finish. I'll say again it was a long email. Stick around. The good part is yet to come. They have accused me of framing Cody for theft by finding witness that I don't know and never met because the Sheriff investigating the crime found them and has kept it confidentual. Yet I somehow got them to collaburate on a story. This is better than any book I could write. I must have ESP powers that I don't even know about.
Oh about the page numbers you see of the photos of what Donnie wrote, the pages got out of order when they were sent to me. That is why I number the pages as I go. At the last I will attach a full copy of the email.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Lost on the Range

Grounded. I was grounded once. Not that I was a perfect child. I just never ventured far. The only time I did and got home after supper but before dark I was immediately grounded. I learned fast. The funny thing, I was fifteen at the time. Maybe, I learn slow.

Over the last few years I have had plenty of reasons to be grounded. This is a different kind of grounding, or maybe it is the same just slightly different. Both force you to think of right now.
Living in or trying to figure out how you could changed the past brings on depression.  Avoiding or doubting the future gives you anxiety. Both places take you from the now or reality. That is where grounding comes in.

I went into a depression years ago. I had enough sense to pray. I asked the Lord to help me. I didn't like who I was becoming. The Lord answered me right away. He told me to pray each day, never ask for anything, only be grateful or pray in gratitude for thirty days.
I did it and within less than a week I was who I was again. I continued for the allotted time but found it so refreshing that I wrote ten things each night in my journal that made me happy or grateful.

Years later my world was rocked again. After the passing of my dad the gates of hell swung open to engulf me. Still to this day I can feel the tremendous power sweep through me as I pressed my head against my father's head as he laid in his coffin.
It was the blackest feeling I had ever encountered up until then in my life. I have seen blacker days since.

That is when I needed grounding. My therapist was good at it. Tom learned how but sometimes neither could help. I just had to write myself out of it.

One day as I visited with the jewelry ladies at the bottom of Salt River Canyon I came across some new beads. They told me they were Juniper beads. That they kept evil spirits away. Instantly Tom said "You pick some out you need them". I did need them. Not that I believed they worked but I already had a love for the juniper tree. It has magical powers to activate sourdough starts.

Well I picked out some and found I couldn't live without them. They did work. Things got me down, I would think of the juniper bracelet that I wore, rub my fingers across it, notice how each bead was different than the other.

That is grounding. When you have to live in the now. Use as many as the five senses that you have. It brings you back from the past and future.

I don't have to wear my beads as often. I still write sometimes but it is happier scribblings. I have become stronger.
One day I felt myself fading. I asked the Lord how I went for so many years without all this yuck. Some of the stuff creeping out of my closet was from when I was little. How did it stay in there so long?
The Lord told me that my children grounded me. Between diapers, nursing, and all other things mothers do, I lived in the now and collapsed into bed to do the now again at day break.

I now look at my past and change me. My future holds miracles, mercy, and hope. Today is better because I have stepping stones and not stumbling blocks.

I can step on those hard lessons, it is a step up if I can forgive, grow, give and accept mercy, and try as hard as I may to be meek

Forgiveness comes pretty easy. To not forgive caused me much more pain to hold on to than to let go.
To grow from an experience still takes time for me, I have to analyze it until I can see what change it can bring and then apply it. Mostly reapplying time and time again.
Giving mercy is a kin to forgiving, I don't understand where they came from so it is hard to judge them. To accept mercy is hard. I still find myself not feeling worthy of mercy. I judge myself by an unreachable standard but yet lower the bar for others.
To be meek encompasses the before mentioned stepping stones plus another ten percent of controlling emotions. I am human, I still use the secondary emotion of anger. I try hard to back up when anger is felt to see what true emotion brought that on, be it hurt, fear, loss. It is hard to take a boiling pot, figure out the source of the heat and turn it inside to melt the cold heart trying to build a hard frozen shell. It is possible, but for me I have to stop and find the first emotion so I can understand it and fix it.

My mom used to laughingly say "I hope Steve is never my paramedic. He has no compassion."

If she was here I would love to share this with her,

I bring this up because my partners who I say are bullying me really have a condition that I don't understand but have felt time and time again. The emotional roller coaster they put me on.
But it makes it easier to understand why they are nice one moment then not. Why they say I need to be nice because it is upsetting a family member but when I ask them do you not think it upsets me I get a blank stare. They can manipulate but they have no empathy.
Knowledge brings understanding. Understanding brings forgiveness, growth, and mercy. But with distance, for emotional and safety's sake.
What I have learned is narcissistic behavior enjoys each other's company. It is hard to think that is true but they feed off each other and have learned to not cross boundaries. Look it up. It is an amazing society they invent for themselves.

I have been studying the words the Lord himself spoke. Like the beatitudes then the parables. For His time on earth the Lord did beautiful miracles but said so little. But it is powerful what was spoken. Take the story of the woman taken in adultery. So few words, "Let him without sin cast the first stone, Go and sin no more". Powerful to me.

Poor in spirit-kingdom of Heaven.
Those that mourn-comfort
Meek-inherent the earth
Hunger and thirst after righteousness-shall be filled
Merciful-obtain mercy
Peacemakers-called the children of God
Persecuted for righteousness sake-kingdom of Heaven

This talk gave me something to reach for and acquire.

Above is Pre Cow, this now is Cow Cow. My mooers  for some reason give me a deeper thought on things. To ponder on, how things pertain to me, and how I need to proceed. These thoughts came to me as I went to check my cattle.

After all my reading the last few days I have come to learn there are narcissistic tendencies and narcissistic syndrome. If you are full blown narcissistic you are reclusive. You can't even get along with other narcissistic people. I think I met one recently but that is for another day.

Anyway from my reading narcissistic people believe no matter what there is a means to the end. Whatever it takes to get the end result. It is found they believe if a goal isn't achieved it is because someone got in their way or it was the fault of someone else. We have discussed how they have no empathy. No compassion, there fore do they have a conscience? They believe consequences are given but unfairly to them because as previously stated they are not at fault.

So with that said a thought came to me of, have I been treating them fairly. It is a mental state of sorts. They believe they are right. They can use any means to gain their ends. When I have caught them in a lie and approached them on it they blankly stared at me. There was no comprehension in their eyes. They even went as far as either blaming someone else or turning it around to show my fault. When Steve wanted to steal a ladder out of an abandon, locked building, Cody and Don both gave me the blank stare again when I stated the ladder is not ours they said nothing. When Cody stole fencing, Don went as far as contacting the owner trying to defend Cody and lay the blame else where.

This answers so much for the killing of my cattle. Coming on to my property and breaking the door on my house because they couldn't find the ranch papers they were looking for.

Or Cody shooting over our heads when we checking our cattle. This is seriously a lack of mental conscience.

Now for me, what part do I play. Knowing they don't have the mental compactly to understand, do I need to treat them differently. How does mercy play into this. Do I extend more mercy, how does the Lord hold people accountable if they have no mental ability to understand that to lie, cheat, destroy is not ok.

Is narcissistic a sin? Can you be judged for something you don't understand? How does the Lord judge the cruelty to us, and how are we judged as we interact with them?

I can't give into their demands, I have a life also. Where is the line of doing as I please and provoking them? I have tied to run my cattle as far from them as possible, quietly, we have notified them when we needed the corrals but only to find they have dismantled equipment so we can't use it.
We only have pushed back. We don't throw the first punch. But I see now their mental state tells them that we are a threat to their end. They will use all means to achieve it.

I now know this is not bullying like I thought. It is scarier. It can't be reasoned with or taught. It is a mental state.

Or I could be deeper than I need to be and do some more research. Prayer might help. I only know these thoughts came to me as I contemplated my part in all this. Asking the Lord to help me understand what I have read.



Monday, August 7, 2017

The Great Balancing Act

Why do all the chapters end the same? Is it because it has the same characters playing the same parts? 
Authors have it easy, one day they just invent a scene where suddenly someone is gone. Poof, they move far away, get ran over, a rabid dog eats them, a terrorist disembowels them and feeds them their liver until the choke and die.
Oh but in the real world the bully lives the life a roach. It never dies, it crawls from the sewer to  show up when you least expect it. Bullys are immortal. It's not enough to take your childhood they want you unhappy your whole life. 
This chapter opens with us out checking our cows. A new person is added to our character list. A man that wants to live off the grid. He is intrigued with cattle and an animal lover. So we bond. Well it happens, we pay him monthly to keep on eye on the water and cows as it is calving season. Perfect. Now we can come up every four days and feel secure in the safety of our cattle. 
Oh but wait a bonus, he converts to the same religion as us. Now we have more in common as we visit. What fun to watch a new convert's perspective. 
Then he meets the Roach. 
The roach works him like all others that cross my path. 

This is a text I recieved recently from the friend we paid to watch our cattle. Our employee that we paid, lent our quad to, hauled water to, and paid for his gas.

No sign of calf. . But the fence was torn down .big mess. .put back together. .there r not atv to go back in there to check.     . . Please send me steves email address. I deleted all his crap..want to tell I dont want to work  for them. .im happy right were I'm ing  for you 

So he has been working for both of us. 

The Lord had warned us. I just couldn't do anything without proof. And there it is. Luckily we had picked up our quad a few days before this so we could do a maintenance on it. But as we picked up ours we learned he had a quad from them.

He has been watching our cows of late but before the rains I never got a report my water was low. And it was. 
Only after the roach was able to kick me off water is when he has been reporting in.
I think but it is just me thinking out loud, he is trying to figure out where we are getting water from. His other employer wants to make sure we aren't stealing it from them.
We aren't. The Lord had provided. The rains have come and the rocks are holding water.
Oh my. The Great Author from above, has sent blessings in the most wondrous way.
Even after the blessings dry up we can get water without stealing it. So Roach crawl back into your sewer.

This was my answer to his text.

The Lord has told me for a long time that you have also been working for Steve. I know you have tried to stay neutral. You have know things that could of saved me heart ache. Being loyal to two different parties only brings on betrayal to you and both parties. I wasn't asking you to pick sides just watch after our cattle. You are now, and I thank you. But for previous months you have done nothing but watch gates and clear the road for ward members. I had found water real low before the rains but you never alerted us to it. 
You have other options to contact Steve, but maybe you should hold off because you no longer 
work for us.
I have been betrayed by too many for too long.

And his last text

Ginny thats not true  .I had to. See for myself. Make my own decision.  I. Have kept my word. But if that is how you feel  Idont want to argue with you.its too bad you dont  beleive me. I cant change that.  Tom said he would make a deposit  for me today . Honour that , an we. Will. Go our separate ways an remain  friends..but my heart is broken now .   God. Bless. And. Take. Care  

No sorrow, no apology, just looking for his pay.

He is a sweet sweet man. But if you listen to roaches you may not like the result.

All Bullies Are Narcissists - The Atlantic

Bullies, like narcissists, don’t emerge from happy childhoods, secure in their parents’ love and imbued with a sense of their own worth. 

Frenemies (narcissists) and mutual friends – In Bad Company

The reality of frenemies and narcs is that they will try their hardest to take your mutual friends and turn them against you.  They want the mutual friends on their side for several reasons:
  • mutual friends are a source of info about you and therefore a way to control you
  • it is a competition for them – “I have all the friends on my side!  I won!”
  • they want to punish you for leaving them or not giving them narc supply (stroke their ego)

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Drop By Drop

... that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.  Alma 37:6

... by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls.  Alma 37:7

Nevertheless, because those miracles were worked by small means it did show unto them marvelous works. ... Alma 37:41

Today while reading my scriptures the words "small and simple things" or "small means" really weighed in on my thoughts.
Daily as I read I look for answers to the heaviness that I feel in my life. It is never the same. Today I woke with nothing on my mind so I decided to search for what was impressed on my mind the other night as I wrote in my journal, exchanging "fear for faith". I read several talks from conference or the ensign, they were thought provoking but none of them spoke to my restlessness.
I decided to return to my scripture reading and postpone that search for later.
As I read the word "small" was larger than life to me. It kept jumping off the page.

And of course my mind flooded with how many "small" things in my life have returned with large blessings.  And the vision of Noah pounding the last nail in the ark came to mind, as he laid down his hammer and looked upon his birth land with awe and wonder as the first drop of rain fell. One small drop, not enough to fill a thimble, just big enough to leave a tiny dimple in the dust on the dry earth. No more than a "small means". But one after another and soon you feel the boat lift, the load shift, commotion. Can you hear the animals protesting this new sensation that has now given rise to their fears. Or did the Lord calm them? One more question when I meet Noah.

My fears are many but slowly I have taken one at a time and laid it upon a cloth, neatly enfolded within and tied it into a burden. With all the faith I have in my Lord I have placed this burden at his feet and taken His yoke upon me. By replacing a fear with a just cause I have felt the Lord in all His glory easy my load. I have learned that I need to search my soul and name each fear, not just take for granted that the Lord knows what fears I am holding on to. Just like we sing "Count a Your Many Blessings" I must name my fears one by one as I ask Him to accept my offering of change. To have faith that the Lord will ease each burden as He sees fit in my own life. Exchange a fear with a change. Faith to change. Fear of change to faith to change.

I may have not found the neon light answer to "changing fear to faith" that I expected but by small and simple things my heart has changed to look for the "small". The dimple in the dust size of faith that lifted a barge with a family of man and the two by two of creatures that come by means of drop after drop of faith.

And now, my son, I would that ye should understand that these things are not without a shadow; for as our fathers were slothful to give heed to this compass (now these things were temporal) they did not prosper; even so it is with things which are spiritual.  Alma 37:43

For behold, it is as easy to give heed to the word of Christ, which will point to you a straight course to eternal bliss, as it was for our fathers to give heed to this compass, which would point unto them a straight course to the promised land.  Alma 37:44

And now I say, is there not a type in this thing? For just as surely as this director did bring our fathers, by following its course, to the promised land, shall the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise.  Alma 37:45

May the Lord in all His glory and mercy keep blessing my small and simple things.

 O remember, remember, my son Helaman(daughter Ginny), how strict are the commandments of God. And he said: If ye will keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land--but if ye keep not his commandments ye shall be cut off from his presence.  Alma 37:13

What a wonderful chapter of a father talking to his son. What a wonder lesson from my Father to His daughter.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

A Dogs Tale

I had a dog named Mobie. He was a Cockapoo. He looked more Poodle than Cocker Spaniel, so I liked to say he was a Cockapoopoo.  Mobie was arrogant, full himself and a big case of little man syndrome. He had this grin that was hilarious. He would curl both of his lips up tight and bare his teeth. But it was a full grown all teeth smile.  It was deceptive to those who just met him. I loved him, took care of his needs but found I didn't buddy up to him. He always had to be near me. I never sat in my chair that he wasn't in it along with me. He had a habit of waiting at my feet as I sat in my chair, long before my bottom met the chair seat he was already in mid air, he knew how to land on my lap just as I sat. Plenty in my family buddied up with him, so he was satisfied. One night in Vernon, late at night I heard him run outside to check out a noise. That was the last we heard of him. He was around eight years old and had done this sort of thing his whole life. Nothing in this world scared him.

I have had dreams about him that have been over a two year span of time. In my first dream, Mobie came running into the Vernon house. All of us were disappointed to see him but not Tom. He wanted Mobie to know it was great to have him around and how Tom had really been devoted to my happiness.

The second dream was also simple, Mobie came in the house like he had never left and was very possessive of every thing.

My third dream was shocking to me. Mobie came in looking like he had just come from the groomers. His hair was so shiny and styled. He had that funny grin of his. All he did was show up and then he was gone again.

I had one last Mobie dream. This was my fourth in just over two years. The dreams  are always short, in the early morning, and I can recall full details of them.
In this last one I was in the kitchen of the Power house, along with a lady in a white dress. I never saw her face but her presence felt like a compilation of several people. People that have not judged me, she felt like family.
Mobie came in the kitchen and he was panting hard. His hair was long, unkept and matted. His underside was caked in mud, along with grass and thorns tangled in the hair and mud.
Mobie was standing by me and I felt no need to clean him. He then tried to pull a piece of grass off his belly. It hurt him so bad that he looked up at me and his nose and his lips were such a dark blue they looked almost purple. The pain had taken his breath away.
I turned to the lady in white and said "I think he is dehydrated." I walked over to get the water bowl and noticed it was dry and dirty. I went to the sink and started to rinse it out. I kept dumping out the water because more filth kept breaking loose. The lady in white finally said "Don't worry about cleaning it, he is a dog."
I said "True, they drink from the gutter".
I put the bowl on the ground.
My dream was over and I woke.

I spent months trying to see if they tied together. They definitely had a strong impression on me, insomuch that I wrote each one down in my journal, but still they made no sense. In late August or first of September as I was meditating on them, a thought was impressed upon my mind. Mobie in my dreams represented my brother Steve. I remember literally saying out loud that the next time I have one I was going to pay close attention.

It is ironic that I never really liked Mobie, but I loved him as I do all animals.  I treated him good. Tom always said I didn't like Mobie because we were twins in that we are both independent. But I saw Mobie as arrogant, possessive, and bossy.
When the meaning of my dreams was revealed to me all my dreams made perfect sense. In the first one when Mobie came in, Tom wanted Mobie to know that he had only had desires for my happiness. This dream was just as my dad was slowing down at the ranch and leaving more to the younger generation to step up too. Steve started in with small accusations of Tom trying to control me and take over the family ranch. Tom at the time had no desire to ranch but had full intentions of supporting me as I had for years previously in his businesses.

The second one was just after my parents passed and Steve had full power over their financials and my parents Trust, and he was very possessive.

My third dream was Mobie came in looking very dapper. Like I had just taken him to Petsmart and paid for the "Top Dog" grooming package. This was just a few months after my partners had come on my personal property and took all the ranch equipment from my yard and moved all the money in our partnership account.

The fourth was when I felt Tom and I might have a leg to stand on getting resolve on the many extended family disputes. Mobie was not in the best position, kind of miserable. I had always hoped it was from family maybe asking about what was happening and maybe it had pricked his conscious. But the white dress leaves me to believe it is those who have passed on are unhappy with him.
It has been many, many, months of no more dreams of Mobie/Steve. I feel and even hope that the last dream was the closure I needed. Like I said, once I learned how to read these dreams I have felt blessed to know the Lord knows us personally. Knows what each of us need for comfort, for reassurance that our prays are heard, even though they are not resolved they way or as speedily as we hope.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

When I Go

I have always has a firm belief that the next life is a whole lot better than this one. I guess that is why I spend so much time thinking of my send off party. Like, I want Freebird played over my grave, a pair of Levi's thrown in so I am not stuck with just a dress when I get there. I want funeral potatoes and ham served. I want a home funeral and buried on private property next to my dogs and whomever is left that loved me to the end (humans).

I am old enough to have survived others going before me. My parents of course. My grandmothers both passed before I was born and my grampas lived enough for me to grow to miss them for what they meant to me.

Then I meet Tom and he had multiple generation of grandparents. It was new and different seeing so many generations interacting together. Especially the matriarchs sitting around quilting. The stories, laughter, aches, doctor visits, and problems discussed within each generation. I enjoyed every stitch with them. And couldn't wait to add a generation or two to the tradition. But it is gone now. 

I have noticed there are two different leavers that leave this world. The givers and the fairers. Some just see the end coming and give away things to those that will appreciate it. Kind of like they live the law of consecration. The Lords law. Then there are those that gather their stores in to have sold off and divvy up the money amongst the Trust. They see unfairness and corruption and they will not let it go by on their watch. The law of the land.
I am not to judge between the two. I am trying to teach myself how I want to leave. No matter which way you leave those left will complain. So decide now and die in peace. Or you can do nothing and let the courts decide while you exit stage left.

As Tom's grandmother on his father's side was preparing to go she told the executor over the estate "Tommy gets the big freezer. He is the only one raising beef calves and he can use it".
It was a blessing and a great example to us. I find both of us giving things away that someone needs or could use more than we do. 

Tom's dad did the same. He would give things away that he found he used no longer. He was never a possessive man but a very giving person.

My parents down sized and gave most away then. It was years before they passed but it just didn't matter in their lives anymore. Then as my dad started to slow down he told me and others that "Ginnys boys get my guns".  

Right now one is gathering in their things. Things that they haven't see in years. They sent out a list of what is missing. The family members have the choice to return it, purchase it, or have it taken from their inheritance. A price is fixed. The price reflect no depreciation in age or value nor does it reflect money spent in order to keep some of its value. They feel it is only fair. It is what is right for them to have peace.

Life is a lot harder here that there. No wonder the unwritten rule is "You can't take it with you". Once on the other side there are no more possessions, what in heavens name are we going to complain about then? 
I think I will burn all my possessions and donate the rest to the church. Then the complaints will not tear those I leave behind apart but draw then into one large choir of "what in the hell did she just do"?

Heritage is free, the price they paid is immeasurable. Inheritance is costly, the price we pay is not worth it.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Witnessing Joy Slip Away

In my dream it was just days after World War ll had ended. I was in Germany, I was a young woman and I may have had kids but I am not sure. I know I truly loved people like they were my own but I never interacted with them like I was a responsible for them.
Americans and those who sympathize with Americans during the war started to gather at an old castle in the countryside of Germany. They were told to gather so they could be shipped home to America or shipped to America to find a new home.

As I walked among them I witnessed pure joy for the first time in others life. There were young children who were either born at the first of the war or who were just toddlers, that were for the first time in their lives ran up small hills and rolled down in the lush grass. Gathering grass stains and holding hands while running as fast as they could. Experiencing what it was like to not be in fear, the freedom of not having to walk looking down as not to draw attention to yourself or family. Of being with friends while your parents are off in the distance.

I saw groups of young girls sitting on the grass in the warmth of the sun, in small circles, giggling. They were talking and looking the young men over. For the first time in a long time they could dream of what all young girls dream of, getting married and having a family. They had spent so much of their youth fearing death that dreams had ceased.

Mothers of all ages gather to visit. To share happiness, to share the love they felt of the weight of war lifted from their shoulders.

Men sat back and watched with delight, their countenance's was as bright as the sun and pure as the air they breathed. Not visiting with each other but with swollen hearts for the relief they felt seeing that they had with the grace of God lived through the biggest trials of their lives and had their families with them.

They were fed lavishly for days as their host waited as the word to got out for others to come gather at the castle.

Soon, I along with just a handful discovered that this was a trap. Our host, you couldn't call them guards because you could come and go as you pleased, they even encouraged it because people returned with friends and neighbors who brought their family members with them. Daily the crowd expanded.
A small group had found evidence that our host had planned to wipe everyone out. They still had hate in their hearts for Americans and all those that worked with them to bring about their victory.

We quietly walked amongst people to warn the them. We told them we were forming a plan to save us but they were to act as though nothing was happening so to not prematurely set off our host.

I was assigned to talk to the women. As I took one aside here or there I looked into their eyes as I explained what was happening.
Some had a look of being hollow, their eyes shows that they did not believe, they would not believe, they could not believe. They feared to return to the fear that had them gripped for so long.
Others showed in their eyes that they believed, the fear returned to their eyes that they had just washed away after years and years of it living deep within.
And a few had a fire rekindle in their eyes. A true spirit of feeling they could and would do all it takes to survive this one last battle.

As my dream closes, I am on the outskirts of the grounds. I am watching three or four men as one climbs a tree, he says to the rest that he believes he is a target. One of the others asked why and suddenly the one in the tree climbs higher and quietly calls down to the others "They are now bringing in artillery, the big stuff".

I now have so much fear that I feel that I am either out of body or more like I am in a theater watching a movie.
I could face the reality of what was happening, I could walk amongst others and warn them. I could not witness the destruction.

I have not yet analyzed this dream. I do write down my dreams when I wake with so much detail. I woke with such fear. Fear that has not gripped me like this for a long time.
When I do have dreams they are usually a warning to me to prepare for something big. I fear the fear I felt.
I hope it is the fears I have daily just surfacing so I can face them and wash them from my soul and not a warning. That would be a joy.