Monday, August 7, 2017

The Great Balancing Act

Why do all the chapters end the same? Is it because it has the same characters playing the same parts? 
Authors have it easy, one day they just invent a scene where suddenly someone is gone. Poof, they move far away, get ran over, a rabid dog eats them, a terrorist disembowels them and feeds them their liver until the choke and die.
Oh but in the real world the bully lives the life a roach. It never dies, it crawls from the sewer to  show up when you least expect it. Bullys are immortal. It's not enough to take your childhood they want you unhappy your whole life. 
This chapter opens with us out checking our cows. A new person is added to our character list. A man that wants to live off the grid. He is intrigued with cattle and an animal lover. So we bond. Well it happens, we pay him monthly to keep on eye on the water and cows as it is calving season. Perfect. Now we can come up every four days and feel secure in the safety of our cattle. 
Oh but wait a bonus, he converts to the same religion as us. Now we have more in common as we visit. What fun to watch a new convert's perspective. 
Then he meets the Roach. 
The roach works him like all others that cross my path. 

This is a text I recieved recently from the friend we paid to watch our cattle. Our employee that we paid, lent our quad to, hauled water to, and paid for his gas.

No sign of calf. . But the fence was torn down .big mess. .put back together. .there r not atv to go back in there to check.     . . Please send me steves email address. I deleted all his crap..want to tell I dont want to work  for them. .im happy right were I'm ing  for you 

So he has been working for both of us. 

The Lord had warned us. I just couldn't do anything without proof. And there it is. Luckily we had picked up our quad a few days before this so we could do a maintenance on it. But as we picked up ours we learned he had a quad from them.

He has been watching our cows of late but before the rains I never got a report my water was low. And it was. 
Only after the roach was able to kick me off water is when he has been reporting in.
I think but it is just me thinking out loud, he is trying to figure out where we are getting water from. His other employer wants to make sure we aren't stealing it from them.
We aren't. The Lord had provided. The rains have come and the rocks are holding water.
Oh my. The Great Author from above, has sent blessings in the most wondrous way.
Even after the blessings dry up we can get water without stealing it. So Roach crawl back into your sewer.

This was my answer to his text.

The Lord has told me for a long time that you have also been working for Steve. I know you have tried to stay neutral. You have know things that could of saved me heart ache. Being loyal to two different parties only brings on betrayal to you and both parties. I wasn't asking you to pick sides just watch after our cattle. You are now, and I thank you. But for previous months you have done nothing but watch gates and clear the road for ward members. I had found water real low before the rains but you never alerted us to it. 
You have other options to contact Steve, but maybe you should hold off because you no longer 
work for us.
I have been betrayed by too many for too long.

And his last text

Ginny thats not true  .I had to. See for myself. Make my own decision.  I. Have kept my word. But if that is how you feel  Idont want to argue with you.its too bad you dont  beleive me. I cant change that.  Tom said he would make a deposit  for me today . Honour that , an we. Will. Go our separate ways an remain  friends..but my heart is broken now .   God. Bless. And. Take. Care  

No sorrow, no apology, just looking for his pay.

He is a sweet sweet man. But if you listen to roaches you may not like the result.

All Bullies Are Narcissists - The Atlantic

Bullies, like narcissists, don’t emerge from happy childhoods, secure in their parents’ love and imbued with a sense of their own worth. 

Frenemies (narcissists) and mutual friends – In Bad Company

The reality of frenemies and narcs is that they will try their hardest to take your mutual friends and turn them against you.  They want the mutual friends on their side for several reasons:
  • mutual friends are a source of info about you and therefore a way to control you
  • it is a competition for them – “I have all the friends on my side!  I won!”
  • they want to punish you for leaving them or not giving them narc supply (stroke their ego)

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Drop By Drop

... that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.  Alma 37:6

... by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls.  Alma 37:7

Nevertheless, because those miracles were worked by small means it did show unto them marvelous works. ... Alma 37:41

Today while reading my scriptures the words "small and simple things" or "small means" really weighed in on my thoughts.
Daily as I read I look for answers to the heaviness that I feel in my life. It is never the same. Today I woke with nothing on my mind so I decided to search for what was impressed on my mind the other night as I wrote in my journal, exchanging "fear for faith". I read several talks from conference or the ensign, they were thought provoking but none of them spoke to my restlessness.
I decided to return to my scripture reading and postpone that search for later.
As I read the word "small" was larger than life to me. It kept jumping off the page.

And of course my mind flooded with how many "small" things in my life have returned with large blessings.  And the vision of Noah pounding the last nail in the ark came to mind, as he laid down his hammer and looked upon his birth land with awe and wonder as the first drop of rain fell. One small drop, not enough to fill a thimble, just big enough to leave a tiny dimple in the dust on the dry earth. No more than a "small means". But one after another and soon you feel the boat lift, the load shift, commotion. Can you hear the animals protesting this new sensation that has now given rise to their fears. Or did the Lord calm them? One more question when I meet Noah.

My fears are many but slowly I have taken one at a time and laid it upon a cloth, neatly enfolded within and tied it into a burden. With all the faith I have in my Lord I have placed this burden at his feet and taken His yoke upon me. By replacing a fear with a just cause I have felt the Lord in all His glory easy my load. I have learned that I need to search my soul and name each fear, not just take for granted that the Lord knows what fears I am holding on to. Just like we sing "Count a Your Many Blessings" I must name my fears one by one as I ask Him to accept my offering of change. To have faith that the Lord will ease each burden as He sees fit in my own life. Exchange a fear with a change. Faith to change. Fear of change to faith to change.

I may have not found the neon light answer to "changing fear to faith" that I expected but by small and simple things my heart has changed to look for the "small". The dimple in the dust size of faith that lifted a barge with a family of man and the two by two of creatures that come by means of drop after drop of faith.

And now, my son, I would that ye should understand that these things are not without a shadow; for as our fathers were slothful to give heed to this compass (now these things were temporal) they did not prosper; even so it is with things which are spiritual.  Alma 37:43

For behold, it is as easy to give heed to the word of Christ, which will point to you a straight course to eternal bliss, as it was for our fathers to give heed to this compass, which would point unto them a straight course to the promised land.  Alma 37:44

And now I say, is there not a type in this thing? For just as surely as this director did bring our fathers, by following its course, to the promised land, shall the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise.  Alma 37:45

May the Lord in all His glory and mercy keep blessing my small and simple things.

 O remember, remember, my son Helaman(daughter Ginny), how strict are the commandments of God. And he said: If ye will keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land--but if ye keep not his commandments ye shall be cut off from his presence.  Alma 37:13

What a wonderful chapter of a father talking to his son. What a wonder lesson from my Father to His daughter.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

A Dogs Tale

I had a dog named Mobie. He was a Cockapoo. He looked more Poodle than Cocker Spaniel, so I liked to say he was a Cockapoopoo.  Mobie was arrogant, full himself and a big case of little man syndrome. He had this grin that was hilarious. He would curl both of his lips up tight and bare his teeth. But it was a full grown all teeth smile.  It was deceptive to those who just met him. I loved him, took care of his needs but found I didn't buddy up to him. He always had to be near me. I never sat in my chair that he wasn't in it along with me. He had a habit of waiting at my feet as I sat in my chair, long before my bottom met the chair seat he was already in mid air, he knew how to land on my lap just as I sat. Plenty in my family buddied up with him, so he was satisfied. One night in Vernon, late at night I heard him run outside to check out a noise. That was the last we heard of him. He was around eight years old and had done this sort of thing his whole life. Nothing in this world scared him.

I have had dreams about him that have been over a two year span of time. In my first dream, Mobie came running into the Vernon house. All of us were disappointed to see him but not Tom. He wanted Mobie to know it was great to have him around and how Tom had really been devoted to my happiness.

The second dream was also simple, Mobie came in the house like he had never left and was very possessive of every thing.

My third dream was shocking to me. Mobie came in looking like he had just come from the groomers. His hair was so shiny and styled. He had that funny grin of his. All he did was show up and then he was gone again.

I had one last Mobie dream. This was my fourth in just over two years. The dreams  are always short, in the early morning, and I can recall full details of them.
In this last one I was in the kitchen of the Power house, along with a lady in a white dress. I never saw her face but her presence felt like a compilation of several people. People that have not judged me, she felt like family.
Mobie came in the kitchen and he was panting hard. His hair was long, unkept and matted. His underside was caked in mud, along with grass and thorns tangled in the hair and mud.
Mobie was standing by me and I felt no need to clean him. He then tried to pull a piece of grass off his belly. It hurt him so bad that he looked up at me and his nose and his lips were such a dark blue they looked almost purple. The pain had taken his breath away.
I turned to the lady in white and said "I think he is dehydrated." I walked over to get the water bowl and noticed it was dry and dirty. I went to the sink and started to rinse it out. I kept dumping out the water because more filth kept breaking loose. The lady in white finally said "Don't worry about cleaning it, he is a dog."
I said "True, they drink from the gutter".
I put the bowl on the ground.
My dream was over and I woke.

I spent months trying to see if they tied together. They definitely had a strong impression on me, insomuch that I wrote each one down in my journal, but still they made no sense. In late August or first of September as I was meditating on them, a thought was impressed upon my mind. Mobie in my dreams represented my brother Steve. I remember literally saying out loud that the next time I have one I was going to pay close attention.

It is ironic that I never really liked Mobie, but I loved him as I do all animals.  I treated him good. Tom always said I didn't like Mobie because we were twins in that we are both independent. But I saw Mobie as arrogant, possessive, and bossy.
When the meaning of my dreams was revealed to me all my dreams made perfect sense. In the first one when Mobie came in, Tom wanted Mobie to know that he had only had desires for my happiness. This dream was just as my dad was slowing down at the ranch and leaving more to the younger generation to step up too. Steve started in with small accusations of Tom trying to control me and take over the family ranch. Tom at the time had no desire to ranch but had full intentions of supporting me as I had for years previously in his businesses.

The second one was just after my parents passed and Steve had full power over their financials and my parents Trust, and he was very possessive.

My third dream was Mobie came in looking very dapper. Like I had just taken him to Petsmart and paid for the "Top Dog" grooming package. This was just a few months after my partners had come on my personal property and took all the ranch equipment from my yard and moved all the money in our partnership account.

The fourth was when I felt Tom and I might have a leg to stand on getting resolve on the many extended family disputes. Mobie was not in the best position, kind of miserable. I had always hoped it was from family maybe asking about what was happening and maybe it had pricked his conscious. But the white dress leaves me to believe it is those who have passed on are unhappy with him.
It has been many, many, months of no more dreams of Mobie/Steve. I feel and even hope that the last dream was the closure I needed. Like I said, once I learned how to read these dreams I have felt blessed to know the Lord knows us personally. Knows what each of us need for comfort, for reassurance that our prays are heard, even though they are not resolved they way or as speedily as we hope.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

When I Go

I have always has a firm belief that the next life is a whole lot better than this one. I guess that is why I spend so much time thinking of my send off party. Like, I want Freebird played over my grave, a pair of Levi's thrown in so I am not stuck with just a dress when I get there. I want funeral potatoes and ham served. I want a home funeral and buried on private property next to my dogs and whomever is left that loved me to the end (humans).

I am old enough to have survived others going before me. My parents of course. My grandmothers both passed before I was born and my grampas lived enough for me to grow to miss them for what they meant to me.

Then I meet Tom and he had multiple generation of grandparents. It was new and different seeing so many generations interacting together. Especially the matriarchs sitting around quilting. The stories, laughter, aches, doctor visits, and problems discussed within each generation. I enjoyed every stitch with them. And couldn't wait to add a generation or two to the tradition. But it is gone now. 

I have noticed there are two different leavers that leave this world. The givers and the fairers. Some just see the end coming and give away things to those that will appreciate it. Kind of like they live the law of consecration. The Lords law. Then there are those that gather their stores in to have sold off and divvy up the money amongst the Trust. They see unfairness and corruption and they will not let it go by on their watch. The law of the land.
I am not to judge between the two. I am trying to teach myself how I want to leave. No matter which way you leave those left will complain. So decide now and die in peace. Or you can do nothing and let the courts decide while you exit stage left.

As Tom's grandmother on his father's side was preparing to go she told the executor over the estate "Tommy gets the big freezer. He is the only one raising beef calves and he can use it".
It was a blessing and a great example to us. I find both of us giving things away that someone needs or could use more than we do. 

Tom's dad did the same. He would give things away that he found he used no longer. He was never a possessive man but a very giving person.

My parents down sized and gave most away then. It was years before they passed but it just didn't matter in their lives anymore. Then as my dad started to slow down he told me and others that "Ginnys boys get my guns".  

Right now one is gathering in their things. Things that they haven't see in years. They sent out a list of what is missing. The family members have the choice to return it, purchase it, or have it taken from their inheritance. A price is fixed. The price reflect no depreciation in age or value nor does it reflect money spent in order to keep some of its value. They feel it is only fair. It is what is right for them to have peace.

Life is a lot harder here that there. No wonder the unwritten rule is "You can't take it with you". Once on the other side there are no more possessions, what in heavens name are we going to complain about then? 
I think I will burn all my possessions and donate the rest to the church. Then the complaints will not tear those I leave behind apart but draw then into one large choir of "what in the hell did she just do"?

Heritage is free, the price they paid is immeasurable. Inheritance is costly, the price we pay is not worth it.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Witnessing Joy Slip Away

In my dream it was just days after World War ll had ended. I was in Germany, I was a young woman and I may have had kids but I am not sure. I know I truly loved people like they were my own but I never interacted with them like I was a responsible for them.
Americans and those who sympathize with Americans during the war started to gather at an old castle in the countryside of Germany. They were told to gather so they could be shipped home to America or shipped to America to find a new home.

As I walked among them I witnessed pure joy for the first time in others life. There were young children who were either born at the first of the war or who were just toddlers, that were for the first time in their lives ran up small hills and rolled down in the lush grass. Gathering grass stains and holding hands while running as fast as they could. Experiencing what it was like to not be in fear, the freedom of not having to walk looking down as not to draw attention to yourself or family. Of being with friends while your parents are off in the distance.

I saw groups of young girls sitting on the grass in the warmth of the sun, in small circles, giggling. They were talking and looking the young men over. For the first time in a long time they could dream of what all young girls dream of, getting married and having a family. They had spent so much of their youth fearing death that dreams had ceased.

Mothers of all ages gather to visit. To share happiness, to share the love they felt of the weight of war lifted from their shoulders.

Men sat back and watched with delight, their countenance's was as bright as the sun and pure as the air they breathed. Not visiting with each other but with swollen hearts for the relief they felt seeing that they had with the grace of God lived through the biggest trials of their lives and had their families with them.

They were fed lavishly for days as their host waited as the word to got out for others to come gather at the castle.

Soon, I along with just a handful discovered that this was a trap. Our host, you couldn't call them guards because you could come and go as you pleased, they even encouraged it because people returned with friends and neighbors who brought their family members with them. Daily the crowd expanded.
A small group had found evidence that our host had planned to wipe everyone out. They still had hate in their hearts for Americans and all those that worked with them to bring about their victory.

We quietly walked amongst people to warn the them. We told them we were forming a plan to save us but they were to act as though nothing was happening so to not prematurely set off our host.

I was assigned to talk to the women. As I took one aside here or there I looked into their eyes as I explained what was happening.
Some had a look of being hollow, their eyes shows that they did not believe, they would not believe, they could not believe. They feared to return to the fear that had them gripped for so long.
Others showed in their eyes that they believed, the fear returned to their eyes that they had just washed away after years and years of it living deep within.
And a few had a fire rekindle in their eyes. A true spirit of feeling they could and would do all it takes to survive this one last battle.

As my dream closes, I am on the outskirts of the grounds. I am watching three or four men as one climbs a tree, he says to the rest that he believes he is a target. One of the others asked why and suddenly the one in the tree climbs higher and quietly calls down to the others "They are now bringing in artillery, the big stuff".

I now have so much fear that I feel that I am either out of body or more like I am in a theater watching a movie.
I could face the reality of what was happening, I could walk amongst others and warn them. I could not witness the destruction.

I have not yet analyzed this dream. I do write down my dreams when I wake with so much detail. I woke with such fear. Fear that has not gripped me like this for a long time.
When I do have dreams they are usually a warning to me to prepare for something big. I fear the fear I felt.
I hope it is the fears I have daily just surfacing so I can face them and wash them from my soul and not a warning. That would be a joy.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Dreams Of Youth, Dreams Of Reassurance, Dreams Of The Heart

A conference talk really spoke to me today. My mind has greatly been occupied with many questions that I believe may never be answered.
My feet have been set upon a path that I know where it ends but I don't know the why or how. Because of my dreams I know what it entails. If that doesn't sound like the cart before the horse I don't know what does.

I told of dream that I had when I was eight. The short of it was that I needed to fight wickedness to obtain the right to be on our family ranch.
I have study and pray the why but not the how. For me I need the why or reason I do things. But I guess I forgot that the Lord rarely tells you why.
As the for "how" it has been brought forth by the hand of the Lord. Not once did I go to the Lord with a plan, every time it was revealed to me then I prayed to accomplish it.
After reading this talk I have learned that I don't need to spend my time praying to know "why" the Lord wants something for me, but I need to pay attention on how to fulfill it.

The parenthesis is from the talk Swallowed Up In The Will Of The Father by Neal A Maxwell

(As one’s will is increasingly submissive to the will of God, he can receive inspiration and revelation so much needed to help meet the trials of life.)

I don't know what is in store but a great blessing has come to me. To explain this blessing you have to envision a pie cut into seven pieces. My dad had one slice until he passed and I obtained one fifth of his one seventh. Just a little sliver but a mighty great smidgling.
I have now through the blessing and encouragement of the Lord have attained a full slice along with what my dad left me.
I struggled accepting this slice until one night the previous owner came to me in a dream. She had passed beyond the veil. In my dream I was visiting with her husband, she came down the hall, she was dressed in white, she was very young, beautiful, and she looked at me with the most lovely reassuring smile, that I knew this was the Lords plan for me.

(Thus, acknowledging God’s hand includes, in the words of the Prophet Joseph, trusting that God has made “ample provision” beforehand to achieve all His purposes, including His purposes in our lives (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 220). Sometimes He clearly directs; other times it seems He merely permits some things to happen. Therefore, we will not always understand the role of God’s hand, but we know enough of his heart and mind to be submissive. Thus when we are perplexed and stressed, explanatory help is not always immediately forthcoming, but compensatory help will be. Thus our process of cognition gives way to our personal submission, as we experience those moments when we learn to “be still, and know that I am God” (Ps. 46:10).)

In my dream from my youth I faced the witch, as I crossed foot bridge she was under, I still had much anxiety and trouble but it wasn't until I completely crossed onto family land and turned to face her that she disappeared.

Since this purchase we have contacted a family member to say that we need to use the corrals and we would like to schedule a time to not interfere with them. He was still not welcoming and told us that we couldn't. We explained we own the largest slice of the pie out of all the individuals and have the right and we were just trying to be courteous.
I have the greatest desire to share our heritage with all. That is my true desire. The Lord knows my heart, blesses me with the ability to work towards that dream and sends me reassurances through dreams.

(Actually, everything depends—initially and finally—on our desires. These shape our thought patterns. Our desires thus precede our deeds and lie at the very cores of our souls, tilting us toward or away from God (see D&C 4:3). God can “educate our desires” (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed., Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1939, p. 297). Others seek to manipulate our desires. But it is we who form the desires, the “thoughts and intents of [our] hearts” (Mosiah 5:13).

The end rule is “according to [our] desires … shall it be done unto [us]” (D&C 11:17), “for I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts” (D&C 137:9; see also Alma 41:5; D&C 6:20, 27). One’s individual will thus remains uniquely his. God will not override it nor overwhelm it. Hence we’d better want the consequences of what we want!)

Every time I was pushed farther away from the family land, the Lord in all his mercy blessed me. My family tried to get me in trouble as I ran cattle on family leases. At the time I was hauling water and trying to keep the cattle off of the leases. Then the state stepped in and said I had every right. Then the family tried to get me for cattle rustling and the state said I can run my own brand on the family leases. The family told me the well I had leased was really a BLM well and tried to make me get off of it. But that only showed I no longer needed to lease it but could use it for free.

This is the hand of the Lord. He has a plan and it will not be frustrated. I believe He wants the family to keep and use this sacred ground. I believe this, because it is all I desire.

I truly have done nothing to be treated the way I have been. It was foretold in my dream but I never imagined it would be family. I thought it would be some force on the outside. My heart breaks for our family and the pain it has brought forth.
From the beginning I have asked those who betray me to pray and ask the Lord if what they do is right. I have asked the family to pray to see if they can intercede with a family counsel. It is the Lords plan and will, I have prayed and have been answered or led.

The ranch can't survive going into a next generation. It will be two many fingers in the pie.
I humbly make an offer to any other family member that has considered selling,  would you please pray and let me purchase it.
My desire is to make it possible for all to enjoy. To share and involve all in our heritage.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

How, Lord Will It Be Done

As I walk my dogs in the mornings I converse with the Lord. On many occasions I asked  "Lord, which dog will you leave me with and which will you take"?
I then would proceed to give my reason or plead for one or the other. By the time I was done both dogs were equal and once again I had returned home with the question unanswered but a great appreciation for them both.

That is not the only thing I discussed with the Lord. Many times I reminded Him of my hearts pain. And most times we talked about how beautiful his world is and I would thank Him for letting me see a wonderful sunrise, or some creature scurry, or the beauties of birds in flight.

As of late I told Him that I feel it is time if possible to be a family once again. We would discuss on how or maybe. But nothing seemed plausible. One day about a month ago I asked again for guidance on this subject. The thought crossed my mind "It will take a death". I immediately cried out, "Who? I fear if it is by death some will decide it is too late. They are gone. The arm is severed and nothing will bring it back so why continue". Once again I heard "By death".
I went home and spoke no more on the subject to the Lord.

Vaquera had over time changed, now she was impatient with the other dogs and had lost weight. I took her to the Vet and learned she would soon need to be put down. I stewed over it for a week. I then told Tom I was going to have a full blown funeral for her. Grave, coffin and luncheon. Then a week later I told him I want to invite the family. We talked about it. I think he didn't want me to be crushed if I got no answers back,

My mind was in pain that I never connected my pleading or conversations with the Lord. My brain burned with how long shall I keep her selfishly to myself. How can I spend time alone with her. She came into our family when I had other dogs and never was it just her and I. I needed our time.

Today I have a son and his family coming. Our hearts are heavy. Tom can not join in with us. Evil is still tearing the one I love and need from me.
May the Lord send vengeance on them.

It has taken a death and I now know what dog the Lord has called His own.