Monday, April 18, 2016

Faith to Move Mountains

Prayer is a mighty thing. To think about it, all it is, is words or even at times thoughts directed to the Lord.
What I have learned is that prayer has to be felt from the heart and not framed in the brain.
I would spend time trying to think of what "I" needed. I would petition the Lord for relief in one form or another. But yet the only relief I got was comfort. With that comfort I did feel my Lord's love for me. But the cause of my prayers were for the abuse, bulling and betrayals to stop. With each of those I found it harder to love, live, or trust.
At first I would pray that those that were hurting me would stop, then I learned from my Bishop that to have that prayer answered the Lord would have to take away their agency to act for themselves and the Lord can not do that or our existence would be for not. We would only be heavens puppets for mere play.
Then I prayed that their hearts would be softened but it only seemed to harden them more.
Then I prayed I could endure but it wasn't all exclusive. I had to pray for endurance for each and every blow.
As you can see in the history of my prays I wanted a fix and I wanted it now. I wanted all this behind me. I needed my heart to wake each day no matter what was to come and just step around it to keep going. But I wasn't afforded that.
I gave up praying for a while. It seemed to harden me and not help. Then I started again just because I needed the comfort it gave me. I got to the point of just asking to accept what the day was to bring. No more pleadings for relief. When I asked for relief and it didn't come it only let Satan push me down farther on the totem pole so I prayed to accept, not to understand why but to just accept.
I had exhausted all hope in previous prayers. As hope started to slip away it would, in a last ditch effort reach out to my faith and drag it down with it. By accepting what was happening around me,it gave me all I needed.
I accepted that I can't change what was happening or why it was. I could only accept that it did happen, that left hope in life and restored my faith.
I never gave up reading scripture. The ones bound in the holy books or the ones from modern prophets. I latch onto Job and all that was written about him. He became my mentor and friend. Job held my hand while reading about him and it always lead me back to reading about Christ and His life of trials, betrayal, being despised and judged.
The most powerful prayer was just recently, as I knelt I asked the Lord to "remove this mountain". I said no more than that. My heart was heavy because I was having dreams about Tom's pending court sentencing. My dreams left me with anxiety. I had read about the Lord admonishing His apostles that if they had faith they could say to the mountain be moved and it would. I felt what I was going to be asked to accept was a mountain, so I asked that it be moved.
I went to court for the sentencing. I asked the judge if Tom and I could be together always and not just supervised. My son Jesse went to speak positively in behalf of Tom as we knew Billy was there for the opposite. Billy chose to not speak but wrote the court instead. I don't know what he said but as the judge spoke to us after we all had our time I could hear the earth shake as the "mountain moved" and the judge changed the sentencing lighter than what we were expecting.
A day later I received in the mail the pre sentencing notification from the court that should of came days before the court date. The hand of the Lord was revealed to me receiving this late, if I had had time to read one of the letters from a cousin in it I don't know if I could of kept my composure before the judge.
The words that are edged upon my mind are overwhelming and heart breaking. This "Interested Party" made statements to the prosecuting attorney that Tom's demeanor has gone down in the last three to four years. And that Tom becomes filled with rage and claim he is receiving revelation from God.
He couldn't believe the defendant received a Class 6 Felony and not the Class 3  Dangerous Felony.
This person who calls himself a lifelong family friend (not family member) believes incarceration is the only way to get the defendants attention.
I calmly sit here and think, yes it has been three to four years, not that demeanor has gone down but abuse by others has picked up against me. Yes many prayers have been said by Tom in my behalf. Yes he did receive revelation from God. Yes at times he was enraged that people we trusted and love could treat me or us this way. And to speak about the incarceration only does him good not Tom.
We were truly blessed that day. A mountain moved. Prayers were answered. And it is easy to "accept" that day.
Prayer can bring peace. When all hope is gone and you sit on the edge of your life wondering how to convey the desires of your heart to the Lord just pause and say "Move this mountain".



Matthew 17:20 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

Or

 Ether 12:29 And I, Moroni, having heard these words, was comforted, and said: O Lord, thy righteous will be done, for I know that thou workest unto the children of men according to their faith;

 30 For the brother of Jared said unto the mountain Zerin, Remove—and it was removed. And if he had not had faith it would not have moved; wherefore thou workest after men have faith.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Dreams and Last Words

Dreams

My dream that I woke to Sunday morning;
I lived in a house that was in a desert area. The yards are shaded with cottonwoods and the grass is lush. It was like a mirage. The house was big. Mansion like. People I know well and others that I hardly know would stop by and spend the night. Almost everyone would pitch tents and sleep in the yards.
One night a couple that I was in a ward with years earlier stopped in. They were going to renew their wedding vows.
It got late and they still hadn't performed them so I went to bed. My room I picked was in the attic. The walls were unfinished. It was just rafters. My bed was a mattress on the floor pushed next the low part of the eves. There was a small bathroom but no walls surrounded it. It was open with no privacy. Yet the house was well furnished.
When I got to my room there was my friend. She was in my bed. I laid next to her then decided I would just let her have it to herself. I went back into the yard, where her husband was making a political video to send to Hillary Clinton. It was not in support for her.
I have no idea where I slept but early in the morning I woke to go to the bathroom. I went into the one on the main floor but decided against it because of all the company. I went to my room and sat on the potty when I realized that my friend was still in my bed and I sat all exposed to her.

That's it. Weird, I know. But by mid Sunday morning I had it figured out.
My yard and house were big, they are my world. Large and beautiful. They represent how I love the outdoors and most people associate me with the outdoors.
But yet with all this vast world around me I picked the most unlikely place to call my own. I pretty much slept on the floor and had no privacy.
People loved sharing my world but as of late I have moved into my small, plain room with what feels like no privacy.
I had recently stop facebooking because my happiness I felt was being used against me. That is why I felt my world getting smaller and my room so unadorned as I hadn't post any pictures of the joy I find.

My Monday morning dream;
I had been knitting. I had finally figured out the instructions of my next stitches. I was so excited to do them but I was in line somewhere and it was almost my turn at the counter. My sister Patti was with me. She wasn't in line so I asked her to hold my knitting.  As the man in front of me started to move away from the counter Patti came back with my knitting. She showed me how she cut out the hard part. She wasn't excited like she truly helped me but knew she had been destroying what I enjoyed and was excited about.

As I thought on this one it was a warning that family members were still trying to destroy what I love and cherish.
I had been told by my bishop that it is important to work on my relationship with Tom and let others to fall to the weigh side. Not to do harm to them but to let time heal them, and maybe be complete once again in the future.
I had Saturday found some instructions that taught me to put a thumb hole in a mitten and I was so excited to see how it finishes up, that is what my dream about knitting reference too.



As I sit here alone in the lobby before Tom's court sentencing I see family members attending. I believe that is my dream foretelling of them coming. As they did not approach me the reason they came was to "cut up my knitting".

Last Words


It's funny how when things are said and they just don't click, then they are brushed aside because other things being said need addressing or seemed more important at the time.

This conversation happened December  18, 2014. It was the last real conversation I have had with this person. Before this date he was my "go to guy" when I came up against anything that needed advice or direction on.

Lots of things where addressed in that phone call. The two things that have been on my mind as of late are these; "It will be hard ranching without Tom and Ginny.", also said "Well maybe to resolve this we should split the ranch in thirds.".
To which I answered, "Then you get to ranch with my brother."
These show me that it was long decided that it was not to be reconciled in anyway. That they would never speak to me.
At his suggestion I took a third and left him with my brother. I don't know if it is the third missing or working with my brother that is so upsetting to him.

Now to be serious. Through my recent dreams I have had the last two days I see warnings of what today was to come. It helped me to not be in shock, hurt, or confused as I witnessed what was happening before my eyes. And by replaying that last conversation in my mind once again I have been blessed to see the hand of the Lord and how much He truly loves me.
How all this hurt may not be over or even if it will ever be.  But to learn that it is not my will but he Lords will that will be done.
That is a humbling thought that He loves me enough to ease my pain through dreams and conversations replayed in my mind to bring healing instead of waiting for resolve.
This has been a long hard road and many times I felt forsaken by the Lord but through growth I can see I have only been forsaken by those around me.
The Lord sends me comfort. It may be through dreams and thoughts but none the less it gives me peace as my world gets smaller and smaller.

Tom's court date has been moved because his lawyers wheel chair was malfunctioning. I see this as a small blessing. Even though it adds more time on, it gives me comfort that I have a few days to prepare my heart for the worst.

Prayers of healing, understanding, and comfort are needed. Please.