Dust Bunnies

I went to my therapist Tuesday. I sit down and he asks, like usual "How did your week go?"
Oh I started right in telling him all I did, all I witnessed and all my thoughts.
He looks at me and says "Your quiet a funny woman." Later he said "Your almost giddy with happiness."
Yes my humor is back.  My confidence is back.
When he first met me my world was black. I preferred the shades down and chased back the light.
He, along with others have raised the shade slightly, slowly. At first I was fascinated with the dust particles I saw floating in the light. Distracted with them as the light was released more and more in my life. I have now reached into the shadows and retrieved a dust bunny. An almost tangible things that used to distract me but now I can sweep it from my life.
I have understanding, compassion, forgiveness. I didn't have these before, especially for myself.
I now have understanding of who I am. How my actions and reactions formed me. If I let others walk on me I soon feel like a rug. Low down and dirty. If I stand up for myself I become human, with reason and reasoning.  If I understand myself I can better understand others.
Have you ever noticed that compass is the majority of the word compassion. A compass gives us direction. From point A to point B. No matter what lies in between. Hills, mountains, trees, searing heat, walls or oceans. With compassion it is the same. Compassion for those who hurt. For those who hurt us. It gives direction on how to step into others shoes and see where they are coming from. It doesn't validate is was right but it gives us a willingness to learn. A compass leads to understanding.
Forgiveness is the fruits of understanding and compassion. To withhold it only starts the vicious circle again.
Understanding, compassion and forgiveness were some of the flecks of dust that I saw in the sunlight. Fear, anger, hate, are the accumulated dust bunnies that I pick up hidden in the darkness. They feel so harmless. Soft. Small. But they are a form of uncleanliness. I have a strong desire to be clean.
I have a strong desire to forgive. I have study it. I have sought council from others. I have asked  my therapist, he said it is good to forgive. He also said you need to tell or write to people how you feel. You need to forgive and tell them exactly why you need to forgive. How they hurt you or angered you. How you feel betrayed  or any other (dust particles) emotions you felt. He warned me that I may not receive what I hope back from them, but good or bad response I will only grow stronger.
Throw open the curtains, tie back the drapes, pull up the blinds, roll up the shades. I need sunlight to grow.

Cut And Paste

When Louise was just a baby she was a quiet little thing. I attribute it too, she was my only thumb sucker, and also her being the fourth child in just five years, making plenty of others to distract her.
There was one thing that took her from silence to screaming in tenth of a second. Most people would of not even noticed this minuscule sound.
To me it was sound of joy. It consisted of small bare feet entering a room, a high pitched voice, slightly loud, in a joyful nonverbal banter.
It was Blaine. He was  just about two and he loved Louise. He would hurry as fast as his little feet would take him, drop to his knees and almost nose to nose, a little to loud, babble in Louise's face. She soon learned the sound of his walk and she would fuss even before he got there. Blaine never even noticed. He loved getting near her.
Then there was Billy, he couldn't say Blainie so he named his little brother Doopadee. Later we got a Cockatiel and named it Doopadee. Doopadee the bird loved to sing, chatter and squawk, but boy oh boy when he heard Jesse getting near he would sing at his loudest. See, Jesse
whistled as he walked. Doopadee heard him from a far distance and would start in anticipation of what was to come. All it was, was the sound of Jesse’s walk. Jesse didn't whistle every time.

If you took a hamster and shook its cage every time you go by it, it would go from hiding the best it could to feeling trapped and lashing out. The same thing can happen in a positive way. It all depends what you do constantly.

I hid a lot. There are people in my life that I hide from. Then I lash out. It is done in my writings. I am slow and timid with spoken words. My writings validate my feelings. I have note books and note books of my writings. That is how I have validated how I feel and calmed myself down.
There are times I have shared those thoughts with the one and others I have shared with the world.

What I have learned from all this is, I am not alone. That helps. Not enough to start a support group. Just think of the acronym if I name it Adults Suffering Self-esteem. But it helps to know I am not crazy. We all are.

My life lately has been relatively quiet on all fronts. But this week I got emails  from my parents trust and the ranch LLC. Both may have been a group effort but they involve the same person. The one that has rattle my cage every time he walks by.

I received the trust one first. I sat down and answered it,then sent it. A day or so later I received the one from the LLC. I sat and started to answer that one. The LLC one took me three days. I had to research old invoices and answer  lots of questions. They also gave me a date I had to answer by so it all but consumed me.
 I had it ready to send. Moments from pushing send an old friend stopped by. His life has been hell lately. He makes mine look like “the grandkids cupcakes”. Those are the ones you find on the counter, the frosting has been licked off and you decide if you want a unfrosted cupcake or if the dogs do (it is a toss up sometimes). Anyway he told of a personal story where all those around him advised him to legally pursue two brothers (not his but some that employed him). He had a strong impression not too. Skip a few years later and one of those brothers has reconciled his life and now is a councilor over his own sons drug addiction group. And the son is responding to this man. My friend says he is receiving blessing that money could of never provided.

I also, because of a incident I called my Bishop to seek advice. He told me of a story in a similar way. About not responding to others accusations.

I now had two witnesses opposite of a direction I was going. I went to my room and prayed. I went about cleaning  the house to clear my mind of possible influences that might influence my answer from the Lord. As I walked past my phone I noticed I had a response from my brother to my response to his Trust email. As I read it one of my answers to my prayer came.

I answered the LLC letter. I did not share any of my research with them. My research still sits on my computer. I am not sorry I did the  research. It only gives me more confidence in finally answering them. I sent back that Tom and I are willing to meet with them anytime. No more email as they get misinterpreted.

This is what inspired the answer to the first of my prayer.
The first one I answered many months back to the LLC. I can not return to work for the ranch under their stipulations. The biggest is my husband is not allowed up there.

I will return under my stipulation. I run the ranch day to day and you come up when needed or you want.
I will not work under stipulations from back biters or false finders.

This one came that day after my first prayer. It is from my brother.
That is why I titled this Cut and Paste.     The meaning is lost in translation. Cutting and pasting is a safer bet when quoting something.
I realized it is easy to read between the lines and that it needs to be resolved face to face.

Your demand that it return to You and Tom managing the ranch and the rest of us just show up when you want us to essentially assures that you will never be involved again.

Funny thing is when I read the two, I quit before they fired me. But it is always up to the eye of the beholder.

I went and prayed again as to responding to my brothers response to my response to his first email titled Response Letter.
It may sound confusing but the Lord was on top of all the responding.
I had a impression that all this ugliness is a puss filled wound that needs opening. It is time to squeeze the puss out until it bleeds, put some wound dressing in it no matter how much it might sting and get this abscess to heal.
We can't be a eternal family unless we do this. If one member walks away it is up to us to pray for them to return. But ultimately it is their choice. But to have a group of people to shun one or more for no more that personal differences is not right. My answer was to cleanse this wound.

Innocent Until Proven Guilty

As I sit here this Sabbath morning and ponder my life I want to let everyone know that I love my saviour Jesus Christ and am grateful for his blessing and love for me. Through him I have had the strength to endure the trials of my life.
As I pondered my latest trials I was reminded of the information I was given when I left jail. I was given all sorts of restrictions and limitations that govern my life daily in the name of "victims rights".
One thing our system has forgotten to address are the rights of the accused. Mind you I have not been convicted. Due process requires that a trial of my peers be performed first and then I will be punished by the government, according to my convictions.
I guess a lot of people didn't get the memo.
Since the day shit hit the fan I have been violated in so many ways and buy so many people. The really sad thing about it is that ALL the people that have attacked me are family members. The closer they are in my family circle the more vicious they have been.
I have been told I'm a liar multiple times. When the accusers are asked what the lie was their faces become contorted and they say, "oh you know, don't deny it!"
Just this week I have been served with another restraining order from a nephew's wife whom I haven't seen for over three years. All based on lies.
I have been warned and threatened if I attend a family reunion.
Texts have been sent wanting to know "where is Tom?! My kids are afraid" or "Tom was seen in Globe and he's headed your way!" As I sat at my desk.
I can't go to my own Ward for church because of gossiping family and Ward members. Its a sad day when your Bishop tells you that there has been "a lot of gossiping" concerning me.
I have had personal belongings that were given to me by my father that were in the care of a family member given away without any knowledge or permission.
I have been questioned as to wether I have equipment in my possession that don't belong to me.
I have been accused of child abuse by an abuser.
I have been treated worse by family than a family member who is a twice convicted rapist and will be allowed to move on to the ranch.
Multiple family members have advised my wife to divorce me when she was never threatened or abused by me.
My wife and I were kicked off the ranch by family members. These same family members asked my wife to come back thinking I was now out of the picture.
I've been defriended on Facebook by family and friends with out knowledge of my side of what happened and have had to defriend people because of their blatant nastiness.
I've had the police called out to where I'm living because people couldn't get hold of Ginny.
The most heart breaking thing is that ALL the people involved have made covenants to the Lord at the time of baptism and majority have taken an oath of priesthood and made covenants in the temple.
I hold no malice towards none and am looking forward to the day that we can participate together in a prayer circle inside The House of the Lord.
I'm not seeking sympathy as those that hate me the most assume. Just pointing out the fact that there is no rights for the accused.