Saturday, February 28, 2015

Evil is Never Satisfied

At my dads viewing I was enjoying visiting with all those that came. Family that I hadn't seen for a long time and friends that I hadn't seen for even longer.  It was wonderful. 
The bishop made a small announcement that it was time to close the door as the family was going to have a family prayer and close the casket.  We quickly gave last hugs and said good byes to friends.  I took a seat next to my husband and kids, with one fast look around the room there wasn't enough seats for all those who called themselves family some lined the walls.  Did my heart good.
The bishop thanked all that was there and asked if Guys family could come up before the family prayer to say one last good bye and close the casket.


I stepped forward and had the most powerful feeling of darkness and dread.  I remember putting my forehead on my dads as my shoulders started to shake, I held back a flood, but I released a low whimper.


As we left to head to the chapel for the funeral, I stopped to sign the guest book.  My brother stopped next to me and said "nothing at the ranch is going to change".  I nothing to say.  It left me cold.


This was two years ago this month.  I have been harassed needlessly, senselessly since then.  Not just about the ranch but also my parents trust and how it needs to be distributed and closed.


Plenty has been said to me and about me.  I felt powerless, betrayed, hurt.  My husband and kids kept loving me, insuring me that I was not a bad person, that I was being bullied. 


I couldn't see it.  Families don't do that to each other.  It is a misunderstanding.  We are all hurting and just need time to heal, talk, understand.


It got uglier as time passed. Hurtful, harmful.


I wrote my brother a email on how he has bullied me now and as children he abused me. Lied about me.  Took so many people that I love from me.  His reply "hope you feel better".


I learned he shared it with other family members and they laughed about my true, raw feelings.


I didn't sleep well. Haven't throughout all this, but I got up around 2:30 am.  I did some research on bullying and sibling abuse.  My heart fell.  Who ever wrote these articles described my life, my choices I had made, my most inner thoughts.  How did they know me?  Who are these people? Do see how I see?


That morning we had a small gathering at the mesa cemetery to commemorate an uncle who died in Iwo Jima.  A warm welcome from some cousins. A cold feeling others.


Hours later I found Tom in the front yard, buried my head in is chest crying and said "I am 53 years old and just realized the bullying will never end".


Just previous to this I was laying in bed, Thinking of how many kids have committed suicide from being bullying.  I never could understand why.  Just walk away, just get far from the bully,  Simple,
It's not. The bully is never satisfied.  They need the rush.  It ran through my mind the only option I have is death. 


The dread I felt the day of the funeral was a warning that one of my barriers is gone.  My mom passed within five months and the gates of hell were thrown wide open.


My new trial has began.



Saturday, February 21, 2015

That's Why It Is Called A Half Truth

When I was twenty I talked my mom and a good friend into going to one of the "Concerned Christian" meetings. It was at  the Mesa civic center. 
When we walked in, we found seats but there was lots of people standing along the walls. Standing room only puts it about right.
This meetings had been going on for quite a few months. They jumped right into why the Mormons were no good people, and us, the audience need to be told the truth. While they read scriptures to us from the Book Of Mormon to prove the god forsaken thing that were on the pages between the bindings of that book, and the religious cult that it inspires. Within twenty minutes people would stand up in the audience and ask if they could tell their story. Wow, the hate, the enmity.
My mom was so upset, her and my friend left. Me I had the heart of setting a truth straight. 
As they read scriptures again I stood and said loudly "those are lies, can I come up to set this straight?"
Let's say they ignored me. But others were allowed  to go up. Soon some rowdies in the back started to chant "let her come up". Then the crowd got restless. In a flash I was headed up. 
What the crap. It was a sea of strangers and I was completely alone. I got to the mic and asked for their Book of Mormon. I explained that they weren't reading the whole verse. I soon found the page they were on and read the verse before, the verse they they had half read, and the one following.  The atmosphere changed immediately. People walked out. But the sponsors tried to undo what I had done.
As I started for the door a gentleman stopped me and asked me where I had served my mission. He said I bore a powerful testimony. I don't recall what I said. I know I witnessed a change over the crowd. 

There are untruths being said about Tom and I. I have learned that accusations are just that. They are not questions to be answered but untruth believed by some. Put forward by a few. 
ac·cu·sa·tion
ˌakyəˈzāSH(ə)n/
noun
plural noun: accusations
  1. a charge or claim that someone has done something illegal or wrong.
    "accusations of bribery"
    synonyms:allegationchargeclaimassertion, imputation; 
    indictmentarraignment, incrimination, recrimination, inculpation; 
    suitlawsuit, impeachment; 
    informalrapblame game
    • the action or process of accusing someone.
      "there was accusation in Brian's voice"

      I am a defender of truth. I can be called passionate. Now Tom can be called a true defender of truth. He can be called a patriot.

      Steve has spread half truths. Gossip. To the point that my sister questioned my integrity and now my ranch partners. 
      I am not the type to remain quite. You don't lie about the gospel and you don't lie about my family. 
      This is my side. If you feel inclined you can contact me for my side. It is my understanding that some have been contacting Cody for his side. 
      That's why it is called a half truth.