A moment in Time

Has a moment ever weighed on your mind. A moment that was, I don't know how to explain it, so ordinary that you wonder why it keeps coming to mind.
This moment for me is over two years old. It took less than 10 seconds to happen but it has never left me. It is still so vivid. My moment consist of me, my brother Steve and my sister Patti.

Today as I walked my dogs it came to mind again. But today was different. Instead of playing it over and over. I was able to analyze it. Maybe it will go to bed and I can move on.

Let me introduce you to my moment, but first explain what was going on.

This is the day of my dads funeral. The viewing, closing of the casket and family prayer has just happened. We (my family, my siblings and their families and all those who loved my dad enough to call him family) are following the casket into the chapel for the funeral service.
I stop to sign the guest book. Tom's hand is on my shoulder. My sister Patti is behind me then steps beside me and she says quietly that she can't wait to go through dads things (she is the most sentimental of us all). I turn and say "I have all I could ever want in my heart."
My brother Steve now is passing by. I am now signing the book and over his shoulder he says "Nothing at the ranch is going to change." I look up from the book but my mouth remains shut. I remember the words but can't understand them.

That's it folks. That's my ten seconds. My moment.
It has preyed upon my mind for these two long years. So insignificant. But yet it never left me.

Today on my walk it all folded out before me. Each character, where they were at the time and what they were doing.

I, Patti and Steve are at the chapel doors. My mom has gone directly into the chapel. And my sister Nancy I can't place her.

Now to analyze this scene. For the first time instead of breaking down what was said, my mind broke down where people stood.

My mom, in the chapel. She had crossed over the threshold and was no longer in the foyer. She was with the host of others with my dad. My mind put the chapel as heaven. That's why she plays no part in my moment. She has gone to her mortal rest and can't help me.

My sister Patti was behind me then stepped out away. Thinking of gaining things to remember my dad by. Tangible objects. Sentiment value. Filling the void that left along with our dad passing.

My brother Steve. Warning or bullying. I can't judge which. But here is what is significant. He passed me up. All others gave me my ten seconds to sign the book.

My sister Nancy never played out before. I don't know where she is. She may be behind me or helped Mom to follow the casket. I really don't know.

If I look at each of these people today "my moment" defines them.

My mom. Passed through the veil. An endeared memory.

My sister Patti was behind me then steps away from me.

My sister Nancy is nowhere near. I don't know if she is in front, behind or stepping away.

My brother Steve is verbalizing his demands and passing by like I am a nobody.

I am done with that moment. As I write this I can feel it is no concern to me any longer. That small amount of time has now almost warned me of where I stand in my family. Believe it or not, it is a relief or release. It is wonderful when something beacons for attention and just like that it is satisfied.

The answer took about ten seconds.

Now one day I will tell you about a dream I had when I was eight that has never left me. But first I need to completely analyze it. Then I will share.

What Can I Pray For?

At my therapist the other day and he says "I hear you been short." (temperament)
I explained the one time I could of been but I feel I wasn't. Then he says "Is there more that you can think of?"
I answered "If there was I was drunk." He almost slid out of his chair laughing so hard. (I don't drink).
Perspective perspective perspective.

A dear old friend commented to me on Facebook about my horses being hauled off a safe environment to an unsafe one.

I'm only assuming all this BS is happening since the death of your parents. It amazes me what people turn into after the death of parents. She wrote.

I told her, You hit the nail on the coffin there.

I have one too!  Except I didn't forgive I just forgot! She wrote back.

It's easier for me to forgive than to forget but I think the biggest reason is because it just keeps coming and slamming me in the face. Was my response.

I don't understand how people can forgive when the person they are forgiving is in the wrong and cause nothing but pain and termoil. I guess I view it differently. Was her reply.

My forgiveness comes from truly experiencing how bitter I was becoming. I don't understand the why they did or do things I just know even today once I saw my horses where safe and  people have come forward for a place for my horses I can only feel the weight of anger and hate leave my shoulders. To forgive doesn't mean I am wrong. It means I was wronged and I am better than them. This was my answer.

I truly loved getting the opportunity to give my perspective. If only, so I could see how far I have come. I can put into words my true heart. The heart that not daily but more often than I would like to admit has the choice of anger or forgiveness. Revenge or accepting my challenges. Bitterness or betterness. Crawling into a hole or smiling as I scale the walls of the pit.

I have called the sheriff multiple times for help. It always plays out the same. They listen and as soon as they ask how I know this person and I answer it ends the same. "Oh this is a civil matter".  Yes it is true you can harass members of your family. Permission granted. If you ever had the inclining. Go for it. (The Lord will judge it differently). Have a blast while you can.

It is funny how we are prosecuted for accidents but deliberate acts of abuse we look the other way. I was prosecuted for an accident I had with my granddaughters. Someone I know and love is in line for prosecution. It is Cherish, as in, "I Stand With Cherish". This world has gone to hell in a hand basket.

While I was gone to town my daughter in law was trying to catch my horses that got out. When the horses where thrown in my yard it was without halters or leads. So to say the least my good neighbors rallied around her to help. One, Ed, also took the opportunity to introduce each other. Once, one neighbor lady heard my dads name she grinned and proceeded to tell a story of him.

"Oh Guy Nicoll, I really liked him. He was a character. He once was going to his property and this other man was blocking his way holding a rifle. Oh Guy grabbed the gun from him, hit him in the face with the butt of the gun and continued driving to his property."

That sounds like the old west to some of you but that sounds like the America I want back. The one where victims can take care of abuse themselves. Long before it ends in self defense.

How bad I would love to teach this (insert your choice of noun, because man or brother just doesn't work for me) to stop messing with me and my personal property. But atlas I am born a generation too late. I am born during the tolerate, coexist era. The turn the other cheek (which is perfect because you are looking the other way as they hurt you again and again) discipline. The walk away but it follows you around philosophy.

I hold no malice. I am kicked in the teeth but as people rally for me, show their love for me I stand with a full smile and dust myself off. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You too can't stop this but holding my hand though cyber space helps. Anyone with any influence that could place a call in my behalf to those that harass me might make a difference, but only effort will tell.

Is it wrong for me to pray for relief even if my prayer petitions  the Lord to call someone home?

From Empathy to Sympathy

The last four days has had a wide arrange of emotions for me. It wasn't a roller coaster of ups and downs. That is how it has been for so long. It was going from empathy to sympathy.
For the longest time I couldn't get the word "forgiveness" out of the frontal lobes of my brain. I started to research it. From looking up the meaning of the word, to "feel good" quotes, to conference talks, to scriptures. I spoke to people around me about it. It was all consuming and unquenchable.
It kept me up when I should of been asleep and it wore me down to the point of nodding off when I should of been awake.
One day as I was trying to satisfy the "forgiveness monster", then it hit me, I had been looking at this word all wrong. This word can drive forward and backwards. I had put this word in drive and was getting no where. I felt I was pushing my truck up a hill. This word is a double edge sword. You can "ask" for forgiveness or you can "give" forgiveness. Once I saw the difference I knew what horse I wanted to saddle so I could ride out and gather my thoughts.
Going forward to me was to ask forgiveness. I spent so long trying to put in words what needed to be said. But I would draw a blank. I would read more stories and thoughts. I would pray and meditate. Still nothing. I tried to put it aside. I thought I must not be fully repentive. But it wasn't that. Who of us doesn't have need to repent. What was pulling at my heart wasn't the need to be forgiven.
One day I came across a scripture that threw me into reverse. I started to study in a new light. I needed to forgive.
Now my thoughts came easily. My truck that I was pushing up hill started to coast down hill. I jumped on the bumper as it picked up speed. I needed to forgive others their transpasses.
I had found my answer and now had direction. I even mentioned it my last blog. I had my days and nights back in order. I put the "asking" horse back in the pasture and saddled up the "giving" horse.
There are four (ranch partners) who weighed on my mind the most. So I started with them. I wrote and erased. Wrote and erased more. It is hard to write in a letter how you feel with it not being conceived wrong. Then I realized no matter how I say it, it is how it is received that makes the difference. And I can't change their heart to receive something only they can.
I had three finished. The last one was a struggle. Not because of me not truly forgiving but fearing the consequences that may follow. I pushed through and finished all four. With in hours of finishing them I know I was blessed. The generator that I used at the ranch had been found and was being recovered.
We knew who had it. And I can't blame them for taking it. They felt it was theirs. They just wouldn't listen.
They (ranch partners)hid it from us. But not from the Lord. It was on complete ... I don't know if you can call it accident when you are being directed to it, but I guess lead to it would be better. See, where it was there is already a generator that runs the submersible pump in the well. So to run across it was ... Christmas! They had removed the tires and hitch so it would be harder to take. But for the people who built the trailer and owned it (one in the same) this was no obstacle.
Bless their (ranch partners) hearts the storage tank was full. As the generator was recovered my heart rejoiced knowing the cattle have plenty of water while they solve the pumping problem. But my real fear kicked in. A full tank means they won't be checking on the cattle all too soon and there was a bull on the side of the new fence with no access to water. Unless they are blessed with water in the dirt tank. I can only hope so. But then he could walk all the way to the old ranch house for water.
The calves are great looking bunch because of that generator. It enabled me to haul water so the momma's could have the best feed possible. Love cattle and being a cattle producer.
Most of all I love blessings that come from doing hard things.


Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

D&C 64: 9-10