The Dark Abyss

It's funny what we can stuff into a closet.  Things less used, or what we don't want to deal with so it gets pushed to the back. 
My closet is getting a thorough cleaning. It has been gut retching to reach clear to the back.  As I have made my way into the closet I had to step from the light into a dark abyss.


My closet has gotten deeper and deeper.  My family witnessed my pain as I pushed things to the back and slammed the door shut again and again.


In my closet is sibling abuse, molestations, sexually explicit prank phone calls ( from as early as Jr. high up until I was first married) alcoholism, divorce.
I was a text book example of all these.  I believed it was my fault that these happened.  If I had just stayed away, not answered the phone. If I put it in my closet and walk away it will go away, it will stop.


These were my sins and no one had the right to them.  I put them away.  Far away.


I wondered if the Lord loved me.  I have been haunted with sins for as long as I can remember.  I soon came up with a unreasonable reason. None the less, it made it easier sleep. The thought even gave me comfort.  I reasoned that some of us are "throw away people".  Some people are born to endure most horrible things.  Like babies that are brutally treated, young kids murdered.  We are created for sin to be continued.  So that not all have to taste of the wickedness the world has to offer.
I now know it is false, but for most of my life it  kept my closet door closed.  It kept one foot in front of the other each morning.


I kept my world small.  I stayed near my closet.  My parents finally made me go to college.  It was a two year battle for them.  I had graduated from High School and after two years they told me I had to go.
I signed up for a math class and a sign language class.  My signing class was a joy.  Then one day we had to individually sign a song in front of the class.  I couldn't do it.  I was too scared.  After class the teacher pulled me aside and asked it I had been abused. 
She saw into my closet.  How dare her.  What am I thinking being so far from my closet. 
I never went back to school.
If you know me I love to learn.  In the evenings you will hear Tom say "are you ever going to get off that damn computer?"


I lived my life around my sins that I shoved in that damn closet.


Tom and my kids know what hell I put them through.  I constantly fought with Tom.  Things would arise between my parents or siblings and I.  If I pushed back I was afraid my sins would be exposed.  I feared heaven forbid that people would see what I really am. 


It is a joke that I am the weird one in the family.  We all know someone has to be.  Every family has one.  Face it.  It might just be you, only your family knows.
Anyway.  I can live with weird.  I was afraid if the whole truth came out I would be shunned, like I have cooties or something.  I wouldn't be trusted because I had so much sin I hid for so long.


The ranch gave me the freedom I had longed for.  I had a safe world.  A world.  I had something to study, learn, love. 
Then the accusations started.  They were connected to someone in my closet.  Oh hell.  My closet came alive.  It reminded me that all they said had to be true.  It had to be my fault.  I let some out so I pushed against the door to not let my bad sins out.


I was so alone.  Tom knew some of the sins levied against me.  He wanted me to push back.  Throw the door open and air it out.  I couldn't.  I called my bishop and asked him to remove my name off the records of the church.  I was not going to let my sins out.  I am a bad person for letting people sin against me.  And now we are both going to hell.
My good bishop has tried to help.  His help sounded so much like Toms so I ignored it.


I now open my closet,  I now dig to the back,  I now stand before you fully knowing those are not my sins.  Those are sins against me.  I did not participate.  I don't have cooties.  I am not a ugly monster.  I am a good honest person.  I have trials.  My only sin is how I act or react to those trials.


I am sorry that I called the other ranch people and told them I hate them with every fiber of my being.  I am truly sorry.  I don't hate them at all.  I hate their accusations because my closet got too full and burst open.


I know I stand here before you only because of the prayers that were said in my behalf.  That is the only possible way the hinges on my closet weakened and fell.  I had that door locked tight.  My hand was on the handle at all times to make sure it was in check.


I want to publicly thank all those that prayed for me.  I do know now the truth will set you free.  I also see I have a long road of not trying to blame myself for everything.  To stop judging myself by what others say to me or about me.


I am far from perfect.  I am no therapist. But if there is anyone with a closet, I am here.  I can help you take baby steps.


I am so ready to go to school.  I am so ready to learn.  It may start out as online classes but it is a start. Hopefully the Lord hasn't given up on me, but hopefully Satan will.


I know how it is to be in hell.  My question is how long is the stair case to climb out?

Birds Of A Feather Flock Together

I have been in a slump for quiet a few days.  Thursday I was numb. I piddle around the house.  Hum Ho.
Tom called and asked if I wanted to do a parts run with him.  Might as well.  Not much happening here. 
I rode around not saying much.  Staring out the passenger window.  The wind blew my hair in my face, eyes, mouth, I just didn't care.
The end of last week I felt calm so I emailed some of the ranch rangers to see if the heat had died down.  Just trying to see if time had made it possible to get through this ugliness.  Well, one responded back with some heat.  Another responded back with some vile.  The last one wanted time to think about his answers.  Later in the day I emailed the last one " never mind its not worth it".


The words in the emails were harsh.  Bothered me.  As I read the new accusations and added the old ones that have been said to me, I am still at a loss.  They accuse but they won't give the circumstance so I can give my side.  Let alone they have informed me that they won't believe what I say because I lie anyway.


Any who, I had been riding around about five hours, I remember it was a cloudy day.  The wind was moving the palm trees around outside my window.  It was almost like a summer storm brewing.  My thoughts were gray and moving about just like the weather.


Suddenly I felt lifted. Lighter  The sun that was hidden from sight had just penetrated my soul.  I felt a smile cross my face.  I witnessed a beautiful sky of many different colors of storm clouds with many shapes and sizes, a wonderful breeze blew through. The first thought that crossed my mind was, "is this is how it feels if people are praying for you?"  The Lord knows I hadn't done much of anything to change my attitude.  I had tried to read some church talks but they didn't find a friendly branch to flit on.  They beat their wings and left very restless.


Friday I woke with a skip in my step, song in my heart and the ability to do my friendly banter with Tom.  I believe he noticed instantly but he didn't draw any attention to my new attitude.
As I meditated, gardened, sewed, sang with the radio, shopped, became normal, it hit me.


They justify their actions with accusations. 
If they have to sit around like a bunch of old broody hens sitting on a nest of accusations and cackling all day to justify how they treat others then there is nothing I can do about it.


Most people want to ask why did you;


steal from us
lie to us


That's is when I realized.  I am a good person.  I am a honest person.  I am a kind person. 
Just because someone says other wise, doesn't make it true.