Light Shines Through The Darkest Of Storms

Over six years ago I had arranged my working schedule to where I could spend every Friday and Saturday with my dad as we checked cattle and did all else necessary in their regards.
As we rode around we would talk about the things I had read or the seminars that I attended through the U of A and other government agencies on land management. How we need to haul water to good remote grass, or how we need to fence smaller sections of land as to force graze areas for thirty to forty five days then move off.
I told him that in truth, we are grass farmers who use cattle as a by product to care for the grass and soil, then as we sell of the calves we become ranchers.
He agreed that is what we needed, but he admitted he was just to old to implement those plans. He said, what he did to survive the drought years that we were just climbing out of was, to cut the herd back.
He spoke to my mom about my ideas because her and I were visiting and she mentioned what I had said to my dad and she asked more questions. Which shows I had made such an impression that mom and dad were talking together about it.

After his passing I started to haul water. It was mostly by me, but others helped when they were up there. The idea of building fences was put on hold because we had water issues that called out to be first on the priority list.

Skip to present time and it looked like my only option to run cattle was to fence off a little section and haul water to it. My partners/family had me thinking I was fence in, the lease on the water was not going to be renewed and they wanted me off their state leases. So we spent two days building and mending a mile's worth of fence. Only to find a day later that I have all rights to land and water.

A week before we built the fence I was again entering a feeling of despair but not quite defeat. A calm came over my heart and a sweet peace entered my mind as I heard the words, not spoken by the lips of any being of this world but by a whisper from beyond, "The beginning of the end".
At the time I was riding with Tom back up to Vernon to check my cattle, this was during the time that my partners still had some of my cattle that they took. I turned to Tom and said "It has just been confirmed to me we are in the beginning of the end. I don't know how long it will last or how rough it will get but a calm has come to me that we will start seeing an up side to all this."

 Knee jerk reaction

Also found in: Thesaurus, Medical, Wikipedia.
Related to Knee jerk reaction: Knee jerk reflex

1. an immediate unthinking emotional reaction produced by an event or statement to which the reacting person is highly sensitive; - in persons with strong feelings on a topic, it may be very predictable.

Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, published 1913 by C. & G. Merriam Co.

Gut feeling

gut feeling and gut reaction; gut response
a personal, intuitive feeling or response.
I have a gut feeling that something bad is going to happen. My gut reaction is that we should hire
Susan for the job.

See also: feeling, gut
McGraw-Hill Dictionary of American Idioms and Phrasal Verbs. © 2002 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc

Tom, I and Jesse spent Saturday morning moving water to a new pasture but also filling the drinkers in the section I had been using. The new section that we were implementing has no water. The last time it was used was more than two years ago when I hauled water to it for the Nicoll Brothers cattle. It has been left alone ever since.
I put water on it so Nicoll Brothers could use the mill and graze the pastures that are attached to it. Just weeks ago they moved their cattle onto the mill pasture, then abruptly moved them off along with some of mine, so I figured they wanted it and went another direction.
Heck in some of the dispute between us they stated they never wanted to haul water (even though they helped or took interest in it) and are demanding that I reimburse them money for the fuel I spent hauling water to their cattle but never once told me to stop.

We finished just after noon then headed to meet up with Amanda and kids who were in Virden. By three pm Jesse received a text wanting to know if that was our drinker on section thirty six. Jesse wrote back yes. Then he received another one stating they were going to fence that section off and use it.

My first thoughts were a gut feeling that they were bullying me again. They had a knee jerk reaction to us moving water on that pasture.

As I thought about it a calm came over me. We decided to write back to the text that we would help them build the fence, in fact we had just built some and still had the tooling gathered for it, to please tell us when so we can be available.

Bullied or not my hopes and prayers are being answered. I have only wanted to be good stewart's over the land. To utilize it the way I had been taught to do in my classes. My heart leapt with joy to know we are down sizing the pastures and hauling water. My only other desire is for the whole family to experience their heritage.

May the Lord work His miracles in behalf of our true heritage and inheritance. The Lord in all his mercy understands my heart and lifts me in times of despair. For this I will always be grateful and in his service. I will always rejoice in our forefathers that were sent to Arizona by Brigham Young and pray we will always be found worthy of their sacrifices they made in providing us with our heritage.

One happy soil caring, grass growing, cattle loving girl.

The Game of Life

I have never played the game of chess but for some reason it intrigues me.  The romance of the game comes in making a move that betters your position while trying to think what your opponent's next move will be. It is not a game of chance nor faint of heart. It is a game of patience and strategy. Hollywood portrays it as a game that can last days, no hurry to play the game, time is only on your side, each move by you or your opponent only reveals more of how each other thinks, the strength and weaknesses.

I do believe one day I would love to study or be tutored in the game, my biggest personal weakness is patience. Patience has never been my strength but I have used it as a motivating factor. Many things I have done, I most likely wouldn't have, if I had stopped to think on it. So yes I do need more of it, but recognizing a problem is half the battle.

Today I was thinking of what recently happened and how this, lead to that.  Or one thing brought on another. Chess, oh yes, a game of chess. Making a move and waiting to see what their's will be. Contemplating the advantage of each move while trying to foresee the disadvantage.

For almost two years it has been a push or shoved from my ranch partners, which led to my moves.  I being in defense while their's have been in offense. I don't believe that is the safest way to play chess, but if your thrown into the game when your heart isn't into it, I guess that is how this game goes.

Life in the "Range War" had been quiet. It had stayed quiet for a long time. I didn't believe it was over, just both sides had decided it was getting old and to walk away from each other, let bygones be bygones. I was happy with my little mill and pasture.

But suddenly a new move is made. One of the team players followed us on a ranch road as we were going into check our cattle. They stopped on an upper road and got out of their truck. Our cattle were up that way and took off running, like maybe they had crossed paths before. He stared us down then got in his truck and drove off. We hear two gun shots then see him return to look at us then he turns around one last time and continues down the road the way he was going the first time.
Within the hour I receive a email from a second player on the opposing team informing me that I have ten days to move off the mill I am leasing along with a survey of the well showing that it is their well (which if I truly believed it was my well I wouldn't of waited over a year to get surveyed). The survey is not signed nor has it an official stamp. We forward it to our lawyer who sends them a letter back.
On top of all this their cattle are on the well we lease. A few days earlier we had received a text from a back up player that a gate was found open but no tracks were seen through the gate and that he had closed it. We had looked around and found nothing on us either but low and behold here they were a few days later in full force.

I don't know if it was the letter from the lawyer or something else that motivated them but they removed their cattle, along with ours, who at the time were not with theirs. I found the side by side tracts leading up to where my cattle were grazing.

We called the Cattle Inspector and our Lawyer. Within a day all were returned but six. Then another call to the sheriff and lawyer and all was returned but one. This next move was genius, our lawyer informs us that they have called the Cattle Inspector on me for cattle rustling. Seems their are two heifers that have their ear marks and brand on them but also you can see where I have my brand on them. Oh for heaven sakes, are you kidding me. Really? Have they forgotten they branded my calves and the Cattle Inspector came out at shipping time with paperwork for me to rebrand them. Come on, that is when one of the players gave me that famous petty line "Your five looks like a backwards upside down two".

Well now they have the State Lieutenant General Cattle Inspector (the head honcho) involved. He sends out a statement that because of how old our leases are I can run my brand anywhere on the ranch that I would like, even with their (which lets not forget) are my cattle also.

Seems they keep making moves that only work in my favor, they kick me off the ranch and I gain a little piece to graze myself, they try to falsely accuse me of cattle rustling and I gain the whole ranch to range on.

One thing that still boggles my mind is when I go to retrieve my cattle that they return there is five piles of hay that have been munched down. Why did they have to bring hay into the best pasture on the range. Hum, that one has got me boondoggled.

Oh to update you they still can't find two of my heifers. One has been missing since the first time they took all mine and the other is one of the heifers they took the second time because they thought I had cattle rustled it. This is after three days of riding. Needless money and time away from work for riders to come up and clean up this mess. Money that I am partnership in. Boy what a waste of funds.I need my babies back home. I miss their sweet loving faces.

It just hit me, this is not a game of chess. One team can't be on the offensive and one on the defensive all the time. This is a game of Dodgeball/Red Rover Red Rover.
One teams only objective is to stay on offense by throwing the ball at their opponents while the other team dodges what is thrown while advancing forward.
I don't believe this game is worth marketing, believe me it is not fun to play.

Maybe when it is over we can play "Family". Wait, no, I forgot that game has no rules.

Tom

The other day I turned to Tom and said, "I love you".
He touched my arm and said, "I love that you said, I love you"

I don't say I love you much, I do a bit more (tiny in front of bit would be a bit more accurate).

I believe I have a Midas Touch, just everything I love seems to go wrong instead of turning to gold. I am afraid to become too attached to people. It seems everything I touch turns out to hurt me. It goes way back.

Then Tom turned to me and asked, "Will you, if you can, write all the ways you love me".

Have you ever heard the song by Tom T. Hall " I Love"

I love little baby ducks, old pickup trucks
Slow-movin' trains and rain
I love little country streams, sleep without dreams
Sunday school in May and hay
And I love you, too

I love leaves in the wind, pictures of my friends
Birds of the world and squirrels
I love coffee in a cup, little fuzzy pups
Bourbon in a glass and grass
And I love you, too

I love honest, open smiles, kisses from a child
Tomatoes on the vine and onions
I love winners when they cry, losers when they cry
Music when it's good and life
And I love you, too


This about sums it up. But, I need to reach within and really say what he needs to hear before it is too late.

I love in you, Tom, now that we have been to counseling you understand how my mind works. How I am damaged merchandise but you don't see me like that. Just the other day, when we had hit a unforeseen wall running fast and hard, you turned to me and said, "What I love about your out look on life is how you have felt your whole life you couldn't please God. How you felt you must of done something so bad to deserve all this trouble. Most people would of turned to drugs and alcohol, but not you , you just keep trying to please Him. How you now look at this situation and look to a change for the better".

That is one thing I love. You have great capacity of understanding and true compassion for mankind, especially those who turn to you for your strength.

I love you, because you are smart, optimistic, and you fight for right and righteousness, but you are not self righteous. You are willing to push limits set by man but not test the waters set by the Lord.

Your testimony never shakes or shutters, it is broad enough to carry me as mine has doubted and dwindled.

I love how you can be gentle with me, stand up to me, stand with me, back down from me, believe me and believe in me. Motivate me but not push. Push me when I refuse to grow. Expect great things from me but not be disappointed when I fall short.

I am sorry for all those years you didn't understand me and how I still shut down or won't talk because I can't explain myself.

I love you because you always loved me even when I said I love you, today.

I know I am missing a ton more but my emotions are running high. Just as I sat down to write, my famous "Midas Touch" reared its head. I received this in a private message while I was writing, it from someone I love.

"Legal papers pertaining to  my health that I had you on, please shred since I've removed you."

It took some of my musings from my heart and turned my brain to mush. How about I just commit to treat you like I love and cherish you before you get tired of my troubles that follow me and you also leave me.

Better days should be just beyond my grasp. When those come I know I can write what we both need to hear. Until then I LOVE YOU.