My Gethsemane

Had I been permitted to see in my future I would of shuttered and cried out for mercy for the woman I saw there,
The one now, that if faced with more than two choices contemplates the simplest of choices only to fall asleep and try later to make them.
As the sun illuminates her room in the morning, she rolls over and blocks out the day. She used to wake before the sun to welcome each day. Almost tethered to the long morning shadows waiting to partake of the many choices and opportunities that lay before her.
The one who thought she had faith and trust in the Creator of all creations and creatures, and through photos and words tried to convey the admiration for every breath she took as she witnessed the grand gifts from God.
Now wonders how to suffocate the pain of living in doubt of being worthy of love, from her Creator.
Who knew nothing but love and trust of her fellow beings, to now feel unworthy of love, or trust.

In my weakness I reached out to the Lord. I fell at his feet for forgiveness. How could I be hated by man and God. I lay in a tormented brain of accusations and betrayal. What! What have I done to deserve this? Please teach me my sins that I may repent. That I may become whole again.

I was driven to study the atonement. For surely I needed it. I learned what I  already knew but didn't understand. In other word, I had heard this before but it was not embedded upon my soul. In a conference talk from 2012 I read

"Without an understanding of Heavenly Father’s perfect plan of happiness and the Savior’s Atonement as the central feature of that plan, these challenges could seem unfair. We all share in the trials of life together. But in faithful hearts is written, “All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of  Jesus Christ"."

Which lead me to read another's suffering without due cause

Job 1:22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.

But I did sin. I did charge God foolishly. I have said repeatedly that as a child, because of others abuses against me I felt unloved and unworthy of love. I asked God why was I sent to earth only to be unloved.

I have learn through study, prayer, humility, and temple attendance that I am loved. I do have sins but we aren't punished for our sins because those penalties have been purchased.

 D&C 19:18 Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

Luke 22:42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

 43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

 44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

I now have in a very small way felt what the Lord endured. With the literal pains I felt I too needed an angel at times. My angels came in all forms. The strength I have gained is incomprehensible. The pain I felt was incomprehensible. My heart aches at what I cried out to the Lord in my lack of understanding of the atonement. May He ever forgive me in my ignorance and pain, my sorrow and weakness.

We are not punish. We are forgiven. We are chastened to repent. Repent for sins. Sins we know we sin. Sins of ignorance to learn they are sins. Sins against our Creator. Our fellow beings. Ourselves. If we cross this life without forgiveness or forgiving then they become our sins and we are punished. We have returned the gift unused and now must pay our own way.

I will never grasp what He endured in Gethsemane. As I endured my Gethsemane I too became soaked through tears and sweat. Pain and agony. I fall to my humble knees in thanks be to Him that he spilt his blood for me on the olive tree.


This is a perspective I fell in love with as I study about Gethsemane  and personal Gethsemane's.


From what I have learned, the process of extracting oil from olives begins with the picking and then bruising and crushing of the fruit. The crushed and broken fruit is then collected into baskets which are stacked one upon the other. They are then placed under the press where tremendous pressure is applied to them. This process slowly crushes the oil from the fruit. The pressure that is applied is firm and fierce, steadily increasing over time until the red stained oil contained therein is extracted from the once unblemished fruit.
http://ponderit.lavalane.org/2005/12/olive-press-and-atonement.html

Answer To A Prayer

Luke 7:40 And Jesus answering said unto him, Simon, I have somewhat to say unto thee. And he saith, Master, say on.
41 There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: the one owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty.
42 And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most?
43 Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou hast rightly judged.

I have turned a corner or about face. My trials are burdens but I learned they are lessons also.  Today I realized that I knew the gospel but did not believe it.

I have learned I was or am a mockery to my God and Savior. I was taught all my life how to live the gospel, I have no more than rehearsed for "life's play".  But I have been brought before the light and permitted to look into my soul. In there is a little girl that did right not because she knew what was right but because she didn't want to do wrong.

She or I have no faith. Only believing in works. Every time a trial came I knew I was not loved. I had tried to do right but fell short of His approval once more. I soon reasoned I could never be loved. I went through the motions but never gained ground.

This was written just before I went to the Temple. I prayed the Lord would teach me how to believe.

As Eve then Adam made a choice that would ultimately bring on death my teaching started.
As Adam and Eve are now banish from Eden they built an alter. An Angel asked "why do you make sacrifices"? Adam answers "I know not why but I was commanded". The Angel then said "Repent, and pray unto the Lord for ever more.
Moses 5:5-8

I was no more than Adam. Making sacrifices but I knew not why. Obedience without faith or knowledge will not get you testimonies. You can live worthy of the Holy Ghost but receive no witness without asking for one.

I must warrant the Lords love for He brought me to my knees. The pain I feel as he used the people I love the most to do it. To bring my family to so much destruction has made me realize that he does indeed love me. I felt I lost it all. I searched for the reasons, who was to blame. It is me. I have so little testimony. It took the only reason I live to see that I can't obtain the next life on obedience alone.

It is easy to blame others as they fought to do what they felt was right. I had no idea what was right. I hadn't prayed. The choices I made relieved pain for a fleeting moment. Without the all knowing sight of the Lord through prayer my choices now haunt me. For who knows how long.

When you hurry through today to get to tomorrow while out running yesterday it soon grabs you by the ankles. You fall face down ,belly flop into the dust. You find yourself filthy and trying to get up on your feet again. From flop to feet no matter what, you pass by your knees. While there, at my knees, I stopped to finally pray. Not my normal, merely pass through the lips prayer, but a gut wrenching, soul searching, for crying out loud prayer.

I can't explain how weak I am, how scared I am, how ugly and burdensome I feel.
How months ago I could of conquered the world. I had built what felt like a safety net, but it got a small snag in it and has grown so big I fell through.

I am a debtor. The bill is due.
Can I trust in the arm of flesh and put my sins back in my hole?
Or can I trust in the Lord to take this away, forgive me and make me whole?

 I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most.

Mired in Thoughts

Courage, My New Strength

I have been told all my life that I have great strength. My great strength was not what I endured but how. That strength others saw was my weakness. 

My show of strength was how I quickly tied up my trials with the most beautiful bow of shame, laid it in my lovely box of guilt, then placed a titanium lock of anger so no one got near it.

See I never really had a true testimony of the "Plan". Think of it this way. After Adam and Eve had partaken of the forbidden fruit satan didn't tell them to run because your going to die. Oh no, that was a truth. Yes they would surely die. But first the Plan of Happiness would start. Good or bad. Bitter or sweet. And of course blessings of babies. No, satan told them to run and hide, that God would see their nakedness. And satan's second gift was given, shame (satan's first being lies). Which left unchecked turns to guilt. But our Father in Heaven taught our first parents in all principles.

Shame in a true form leads to remorse then to repentance and then forgiveness.  But without proper guidance like in the example above it can lead to guilt. The guilt I came to embrace. The feelings that others atrocities against me were my uncleanliness, my sins, my nakedness, my shame, my guilt.

I soon has a box so stuffed full that I lost the love of the Lord. That is how I saw it. He doesn't love an unclean thing. I knew that much. No matter how hard I tried to live the gospel or embrace faith, I just couldn't. That stupid box of misunderstandings stood in the way. I hated no one. They were my sins. Who could I blame but myself. As an innocent child I took the blame. I had decided the Lord just didn't care for me.

Satan is good. Real good at what he does. He lets you carry burdens that aren't yours and teaches you to blame others for your wrongs.

Well I wish I had a nickel for every time I fell
And blamed somebody else
I'd give a ton of money to the ones I've hurt
And I'd still be sittin' pretty well

Bob Seger - Lock And Load

Through the Priesthood, Temple, and the hand of the Lord. My understanding has grown. See, my "strength" has been shattered. My box has broke to pieces and as I tried to gather in my "hidings". I too have been taught from on high.

This trial IS more than I can endure. The blessing that stands out the most is that breathing is involuntary. I gave up eating, thinking, sleeping, waking, praying, caring. But breathing was a constant companion. Thank heaven.

Through Temple attendance, Priesthood, and the hand of the Lord. I have gain my own knowledge that there is free agency. We are free agents. To act upon and be acted upon. The Lord can not intercede. We can act or react. We will forgive or be forgiven. Or hopefully we proceed in that direction.

I have read my patriarchal blessing (I wish it was a zillion times but it is closer to a million) for the first time since I have found the Lord loves me and satan lives to tell me otherwise. There are a few things in my blessing that gives me courage and knowledge that the Lord knows me and loves me. Now, for courage to live up to these. Courage to recognize my own sins and weaknesses and not feel guilt and fault for others misdeeds.

Lastly. The pains of sorrow I feel for the turmoil I have dragged my love of my life, Tom, and our family through. It is true, if you don't love yourself you can never truly love. I never said I love you to them. Only out of guilt because they said it first. 

I never let true emotions flow. Only the one I couldn't control, anger. They never knew where I stood. Because I had guilt to hide. 

Time and time again Tom would ask me if I loved him. If I was happy. Why I couldn't be open with him. 

If you have to ask then you have to wonder.

There lies true strength. He loved me always. Even when he didn't feel it back. 

My testimony grows in the understanding that my Savior loves me. He lives. He listens.  As I entered under this sacred carving, "Holiness To The Lord", needs were met, answers were given, calm was gifted. 

I am still weak but daily the Lord challenges me with growth and tools to over come. By forgiving myself and giving the sins I harbored of others to them so I can forgive, then the hope of being forgiven has made the most important tool of prayer real for the first time in my life. 

I wondered why so late in my life did I receive this trial. Well one blessing is I am too old and tired to keep running from the Lord. I only have enough energy to fall to my knees to weep and pray.

If any of this gives you answers to your whys, I will feel blessed.