Courage, My New Strength

I have been told all my life that I have great strength. My great strength was not what I endured but how. That strength others saw was my weakness. 

My show of strength was how I quickly tied up my trials with the most beautiful bow of shame, laid it in my lovely box of guilt, then placed a titanium lock of anger so no one got near it.

See I never really had a true testimony of the "Plan". Think of it this way. After Adam and Eve had partaken of the forbidden fruit satan didn't tell them to run because your going to die. Oh no, that was a truth. Yes they would surely die. But first the Plan of Happiness would start. Good or bad. Bitter or sweet. And of course blessings of babies. No, satan told them to run and hide, that God would see their nakedness. And satan's second gift was given, shame (satan's first being lies). Which left unchecked turns to guilt. But our Father in Heaven taught our first parents in all principles.

Shame in a true form leads to remorse then to repentance and then forgiveness.  But without proper guidance like in the example above it can lead to guilt. The guilt I came to embrace. The feelings that others atrocities against me were my uncleanliness, my sins, my nakedness, my shame, my guilt.

I soon has a box so stuffed full that I lost the love of the Lord. That is how I saw it. He doesn't love an unclean thing. I knew that much. No matter how hard I tried to live the gospel or embrace faith, I just couldn't. That stupid box of misunderstandings stood in the way. I hated no one. They were my sins. Who could I blame but myself. As an innocent child I took the blame. I had decided the Lord just didn't care for me.

Satan is good. Real good at what he does. He lets you carry burdens that aren't yours and teaches you to blame others for your wrongs.

Well I wish I had a nickel for every time I fell
And blamed somebody else
I'd give a ton of money to the ones I've hurt
And I'd still be sittin' pretty well

Bob Seger - Lock And Load

Through the Priesthood, Temple, and the hand of the Lord. My understanding has grown. See, my "strength" has been shattered. My box has broke to pieces and as I tried to gather in my "hidings". I too have been taught from on high.

This trial IS more than I can endure. The blessing that stands out the most is that breathing is involuntary. I gave up eating, thinking, sleeping, waking, praying, caring. But breathing was a constant companion. Thank heaven.

Through Temple attendance, Priesthood, and the hand of the Lord. I have gain my own knowledge that there is free agency. We are free agents. To act upon and be acted upon. The Lord can not intercede. We can act or react. We will forgive or be forgiven. Or hopefully we proceed in that direction.

I have read my patriarchal blessing (I wish it was a zillion times but it is closer to a million) for the first time since I have found the Lord loves me and satan lives to tell me otherwise. There are a few things in my blessing that gives me courage and knowledge that the Lord knows me and loves me. Now, for courage to live up to these. Courage to recognize my own sins and weaknesses and not feel guilt and fault for others misdeeds.

Lastly. The pains of sorrow I feel for the turmoil I have dragged my love of my life, Tom, and our family through. It is true, if you don't love yourself you can never truly love. I never said I love you to them. Only out of guilt because they said it first. 

I never let true emotions flow. Only the one I couldn't control, anger. They never knew where I stood. Because I had guilt to hide. 

Time and time again Tom would ask me if I loved him. If I was happy. Why I couldn't be open with him. 

If you have to ask then you have to wonder.

There lies true strength. He loved me always. Even when he didn't feel it back. 

My testimony grows in the understanding that my Savior loves me. He lives. He listens.  As I entered under this sacred carving, "Holiness To The Lord", needs were met, answers were given, calm was gifted. 

I am still weak but daily the Lord challenges me with growth and tools to over come. By forgiving myself and giving the sins I harbored of others to them so I can forgive, then the hope of being forgiven has made the most important tool of prayer real for the first time in my life. 

I wondered why so late in my life did I receive this trial. Well one blessing is I am too old and tired to keep running from the Lord. I only have enough energy to fall to my knees to weep and pray.

If any of this gives you answers to your whys, I will feel blessed.