41 There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: the one owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty.
42 And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most?
43 Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou hast rightly judged.
I have turned a corner or about face. My trials are burdens but I learned they are lessons also. Today I realized that I knew the gospel but did not believe it.
I have learned I was or am a mockery to my God and Savior. I was taught all my life how to live the gospel, I have no more than rehearsed for "life's play". But I have been brought before the light and permitted to look into my soul. In there is a little girl that did right not because she knew what was right but because she didn't want to do wrong.
She or I have no faith. Only believing in works. Every time a trial came I knew I was not loved. I had tried to do right but fell short of His approval once more. I soon reasoned I could never be loved. I went through the motions but never gained ground.
This was written just before I went to the Temple. I prayed the Lord would teach me how to believe.
As Eve then Adam made a choice that would ultimately bring on death my teaching started.
As Adam and Eve are now banish from Eden they built an alter. An Angel asked "why do you make sacrifices"? Adam answers "I know not why but I was commanded". The Angel then said "Repent, and pray unto the Lord for ever more.
Moses 5:5-8
I was no more than Adam. Making sacrifices but I knew not why. Obedience without faith or knowledge will not get you testimonies. You can live worthy of the Holy Ghost but receive no witness without asking for one.
I must warrant the Lords love for He brought me to my knees. The pain I feel as he used the people I love the most to do it. To bring my family to so much destruction has made me realize that he does indeed love me. I felt I lost it all. I searched for the reasons, who was to blame. It is me. I have so little testimony. It took the only reason I live to see that I can't obtain the next life on obedience alone.
It is easy to blame others as they fought to do what they felt was right. I had no idea what was right. I hadn't prayed. The choices I made relieved pain for a fleeting moment. Without the all knowing sight of the Lord through prayer my choices now haunt me. For who knows how long.
When you hurry through today to get to tomorrow while out running yesterday it soon grabs you by the ankles. You fall face down ,belly flop into the dust. You find yourself filthy and trying to get up on your feet again. From flop to feet no matter what, you pass by your knees. While there, at my knees, I stopped to finally pray. Not my normal, merely pass through the lips prayer, but a gut wrenching, soul searching, for crying out loud prayer.
I can't explain how weak I am, how scared I am, how ugly and burdensome I feel.
How months ago I could of conquered the world. I had built what felt like a safety net, but it got a small snag in it and has grown so big I fell through.
I am a debtor. The bill is due.
Can I trust in the arm of flesh and put my sins back in my hole?
Or can I trust in the Lord to take this away, forgive me and make me whole?
I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most.
Mired in Thoughts
2 comments:
You are an amazing and insightful person. I love reading what you write because you inspire me and help me understand the Lord's infinite atonement. What a struggle it is to see ourselves and love ourselves as the Lord sees us and loves us. Satan works so hard to make sure we feel less than and unloved, but the Lord can and will give us strength if we will seek it out. Love you!
Some days we feel isolated and alone. Others we feel a fleeting moment of what we perceive to be happiness. Adam was told to repent not because the Lord was angry, but because it was the next step in the plan. Nor was the Lord disappointed. But if we must look at it from a rebuking view, then we must consider this phrase, "the lord Loves, whom He chasteneth." First of all, anyone who can go ten years or ten rounds with Tom, surely can find favour with God (ha ha), but seriously, there was a time when I discovered that following for the sake of following can still keep us from worldly ways, you are right, we must gain a testimony of every aspect of gospel matters. Adams lesson merely illustrated that there are times that mitigate that we need to follow the Lords admonitions without knowing all the answers, but we still need to know that those came from the lord. The true lesson in this is that the Lord always reveals why. Sometimes sooner, sometimes later, sometimes by feeling, and sometimes by voice. But, one thing is for sure, you always have the assurance that if you cry unto him mightily, he shall surely comfort you in your time of need. If He can have compassion on the adultress, he will surely show his compassion for you. When all were against her, he shamed them all to drop their stones and turn away. I don't know the trials you have gone through in your life, but I do know that the Lord has a place in his heart with your name on it. Go ask him, cry unto him, and beg of him to speak peace to your heart. He has always answered me. Always.
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