My Gethsemane

Had I been permitted to see in my future I would of shuttered and cried out for mercy for the woman I saw there,
The one now, that if faced with more than two choices contemplates the simplest of choices only to fall asleep and try later to make them.
As the sun illuminates her room in the morning, she rolls over and blocks out the day. She used to wake before the sun to welcome each day. Almost tethered to the long morning shadows waiting to partake of the many choices and opportunities that lay before her.
The one who thought she had faith and trust in the Creator of all creations and creatures, and through photos and words tried to convey the admiration for every breath she took as she witnessed the grand gifts from God.
Now wonders how to suffocate the pain of living in doubt of being worthy of love, from her Creator.
Who knew nothing but love and trust of her fellow beings, to now feel unworthy of love, or trust.

In my weakness I reached out to the Lord. I fell at his feet for forgiveness. How could I be hated by man and God. I lay in a tormented brain of accusations and betrayal. What! What have I done to deserve this? Please teach me my sins that I may repent. That I may become whole again.

I was driven to study the atonement. For surely I needed it. I learned what I  already knew but didn't understand. In other word, I had heard this before but it was not embedded upon my soul. In a conference talk from 2012 I read

"Without an understanding of Heavenly Father’s perfect plan of happiness and the Savior’s Atonement as the central feature of that plan, these challenges could seem unfair. We all share in the trials of life together. But in faithful hearts is written, “All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of  Jesus Christ"."

Which lead me to read another's suffering without due cause

Job 1:22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.

But I did sin. I did charge God foolishly. I have said repeatedly that as a child, because of others abuses against me I felt unloved and unworthy of love. I asked God why was I sent to earth only to be unloved.

I have learn through study, prayer, humility, and temple attendance that I am loved. I do have sins but we aren't punished for our sins because those penalties have been purchased.

 D&C 19:18 Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

Luke 22:42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

 43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

 44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

I now have in a very small way felt what the Lord endured. With the literal pains I felt I too needed an angel at times. My angels came in all forms. The strength I have gained is incomprehensible. The pain I felt was incomprehensible. My heart aches at what I cried out to the Lord in my lack of understanding of the atonement. May He ever forgive me in my ignorance and pain, my sorrow and weakness.

We are not punish. We are forgiven. We are chastened to repent. Repent for sins. Sins we know we sin. Sins of ignorance to learn they are sins. Sins against our Creator. Our fellow beings. Ourselves. If we cross this life without forgiveness or forgiving then they become our sins and we are punished. We have returned the gift unused and now must pay our own way.

I will never grasp what He endured in Gethsemane. As I endured my Gethsemane I too became soaked through tears and sweat. Pain and agony. I fall to my humble knees in thanks be to Him that he spilt his blood for me on the olive tree.


This is a perspective I fell in love with as I study about Gethsemane  and personal Gethsemane's.


From what I have learned, the process of extracting oil from olives begins with the picking and then bruising and crushing of the fruit. The crushed and broken fruit is then collected into baskets which are stacked one upon the other. They are then placed under the press where tremendous pressure is applied to them. This process slowly crushes the oil from the fruit. The pressure that is applied is firm and fierce, steadily increasing over time until the red stained oil contained therein is extracted from the once unblemished fruit.
http://ponderit.lavalane.org/2005/12/olive-press-and-atonement.html