Stay Dry My Eyes

My wallet got stolen last week. Besides having to close all my cards and then having them all reissued again I also had to get a new temple recommend.

Sunday I am sitting across from my bishop. He is new to the calling so we sit and visit and become acquainted. Of course he asks the fatal question and I tear up again. After five years you would think I could just answer. 

In the seventies a fad started as we cruised Main, they were flip cards that you could hold up to the window of your vehicle and have a generic conversation with the car next to you. I think I need a set of those. After all these many years my answers remain the same, but the disadvantage is when I have to say them I cry. I think shuffling through my flip cards for the answer could become cold like I wish my heart would be. It is hard to cry with a cold heart.

I looked up and said “I could never do this to anyone, not even my worst enemy.” Then I told him the latest from my lawyers.

I could not take something from someone that is rightfully theirs. Especially if they loved it dearly. 

Many times I thought it had to be hate. I've even voiced that they must hate me. But I have to stop that. Hate is a secondary emotion. Hate masks the true emotion and until we can name that emotion we can not work on improving it.  

“In a Star Wars, Master Yoda explained secondary emotions perfectly - “fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” “

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/what-are-primary-and-secondary-emotions/

Plus, can one really know why someone does something?  That is another of my flip cards, You’ll have to ask them why they did such a thing. I can't think like them, nor reason like them.

Have you ever been so mad or hurt by someone you hoped the worse for them. It's funny but when I did fall pray to thinking that way I was never part of the punishment that I hoped would befall them. You know the ordinary boulder falling on them, a lightening strike, or a bear eats them. Just everyday stuff like that. Nothing I caused, just nature providing hope for the hopeless. But to take physical action against another is unthinkable. Even if the most you did was paperwork or sign in agreement.

I would love to hear the answer myself. “What is/was your motivation?” Not just from my brother and sister that are the trust executors but from all those that signed that they were satisfied with the trust distribution.  I wish at least one would share with me how the money or assets they acquired came at such a time in their lives that it had to be the hand of the Lord, a great blessing, saved them from some financial doom, that way I could see the larger picture of all that was torn from me and left me hurting for so many years. I too could take joy in another's happiness and realize my hurt played a part in fulfilling a need.

By April's end this should be resolved and over. I am ready. My heart has weathered the worse. I've been told I have truly lost what I have been fighting for all these years. I am ready to cross that bridge. Funny thing is every time I step forward, hear the creak of my weight on the first board, someone, mostly my lawyers, say “Barring a miracle or time may change the outcome”  it makes it harder to just cross it. I know they see the pain in my eyes and hear the hurt in my voice, and like me, they can not do this to their worst enemy let alone a friend or family member. It tears them up just relaying the truth.

I am ready to see what the Lord has in store for me. I know He loves me. Not to many people asked for severely challenged calf and receive one. Not very many mother's have watch their family implode and experience it's healing while she still has time to enjoy them.

With all my heart I know there is a judgement day. I will stand before my Lord and Savior I will see my life pass before me, I will feel the cool breeze of happiness and the searing rod of shame. The suns warming rays of joy and the bitter cold of unresolved sins. Those will be a beautiful elation and a awful realization. But before that happens I will embrace my parents, they will look me in my eyes and know I tried, I truly tried.