Enlighten or Entitle Me

It is just weeks away from being a year since my business partners confiscated ranch equipment, the bank account and all else they deemed within their right as partners to take, hide or retrieve from me or from my personal property.
We have yet to resolve this. It is past resolve. There is so much crow on all sides to eat I feel the poor birds may become listed on the endangered list.

This week it has been regurgitated again. As Tom has tried to do no more than get his personal tools from the other partners, through, I believe almost two days of texting he was told he is dishonest, liar, thief, and lacks the ability to hold relationships. He was told that the tools he request where taken because they "didn't know if they were the ranches or whom they belonged too".

To me it is easy to figure out. The ranch had only one post hole digger now it has two. The ranch had wooden handled tools now it had a fiberglass one. The ranch never owned a pintle hitch now it does.

It makes me smile even though it is while I shake my head. While they were on my property uninvited divvying up the goods they left me my dads tools because I moved them from his tool box that was so bunged up that it leaked and the tools were rusting to two canvas bags in hopes of preserving them.

I don't understand how they chose between one thing or another. I can't blame them for not knowing. They didn't come up as often as I hoped they would to help with the many things that needed attention. Even as I went for two days this fall I was shocked at how the corrals had fallen into such disrepair.

Tom has requested his tools from the first day of this ordeal. And while he was approaching the them once again this week he was told that "Ginny" has been sent a list of questions (twice) that she needs to answer.

I don't know what this has to do with being honest and giving back tools to the appropriate person. Heck on the "question list" it doesn't even ask who's tools are who's.

As I thought this through I found myself thinking for the benefit of Tom I aught to just send them the answers to the questions. I love Tom so, and he shouldn't  be punished for my reasons of not complying.

Then the words enlighten and entitled entered my conscious. They feel entitled to answers. I feel entitled to ask my own.

Written words entitle you to gain answers. That all. A response to a question.
Face to face enlightens. Questions can be answered and answers can be questioned.

All four of us are even in regards to the partnership. What education we have, accomplishment we have made, money we have acquired, labor we have preformed has no bearings on who is entitled to answers.

Indulge me, enlighten me.

Validation

We all need it. From free parking by making sure our parking ticket is validated to voicing our opinion or problem to the right crowd so we will be agreed with or validated.
It strokes our fur and gives us our necessary purr. To put it short and simple.

I thought I was tip toeing through hell after my parents died. I was loosing my siblings one by one. Then extended family members. But I soon learned I was just above the flames.

My own family was in turmoil and one day a hand grenade was toss into the mix and I fell far below the flames into the all consuming fuel and coals.

Back up to my walking amongst the flames. My personal family was hurting along with my hurt. To the point that they wanted nothing to do with those causing me such pain. Some even said under their breath that they would like to "punch them in the face".

Oh how fast we can turn on those we once stood by as the weight of the world crushed down so hard we seemed breathless, lifeless. How fast we can turn to those we wanted to punch in the face for validation for our horrible situation.

It is the perfect audience we need. If they hate those who I now hate I will have validation. I can take all my feelings to them and feel good while I wallow in them.

As I looked the word validation over it was put to me, was I searching for it? Was my "dirty laundry" aired by me motivated for it? Validation glorious validation.
No! I did not hand pick a crowd. I aired my troubles, my pain, my truth from a world wide banner. I didn't need affirmation. I needed those who have chose to turn away or turn on me to at the least hear me out. And they have. The only interaction we have is response to what has been posted. It maybe ugly, for that I am sorry.
It isn't what social media is designed for. It is said. But I believe we will have to agree to disagree.

We air the worlds problems, the countries, our states and cities. I air mine. For that is my world. I have nothing to hide. I only want to be heard. Not herd.

My dad left the ranch for a while and the last brother that ranched is still distancing himself. I asked my mom when she moved in with me as her life came to a close "What was the fight between dad and his brothers?"
Her answer was one brother was too progressive for his liking.
My dad didn't walk away he was pushed away. Like me. Like who know how many others. Is it the "Nicoll" way or it is a human weakness within many families?
I can't answer that. I only see history wasn't learned so it repeats it's self.

I have prayed for validation. But those ideals or problems I needed validated I took to the audience that could or would validate it.
I am not innocent of that human weakness. But I didn't go to the enemy to achieve it.


Self-validation
adjective
1.
requiring no external confirmation, sanction, or validation.

Nativity Dream

I woke from a dream. It was so real I had to write it down.

I had recently purchased a new Nativity set. It came with an extra piece. This piece was a male. I didn't quite know where to place him. He was a handsome figure with very fine clothing. But he wasn't a wise man. I had three and they were bearing gifts. Maybe he was a servant and came along with them.  He didn't have a shepherds crook like the other one did, so I put him behind the wise men along side of their camel.
I placed all the other pieces, took one last look at the simple beauty and workmanship that went into this set. The care that the artist took to capture the reverence and scriptural accuracy.
I soon was occupied with other household things. Every time I passed by the china cabinet that held my new nativity set I felt uneasy. I soon stopped and the piece I had put by the camel was out front looking down at the Christ child.
I couldn't believe what I had done. I always put my nativities up the same. I put Christ in the center. Christ to me is the center of the whole nativity story and the center of my life.  Then Mary is put closest to baby Jesus to see to her infants needs. Joseph is put close to Mary as a support to her. My wise men, I always try to put them east of Christ because from the scriptures we learned they came from the east. Then on the other side is the Shepard. I even put the Shepard close by because I believe he came days or even weeks before the wise men.
I was baffled as to why I left the extra piece out front. I picked it up and looked it over. Maybe this is the Inn keeper or a stranger in town that over heard the commotion. I then placed him by the cow and donkey toward the back. Behind the Shepard. I closed the glass door and finished what I was previously doing.
The uneasy feeling came again as I passed later. I stopped and looked again. Once again the piece was out front looking down on Christ. I reached in and grabbed it. I decided to see what I could find on this particular set and the artist. I had noticed the pieces where signed.
I put the artist name, back slash, nativity set in the search line on Google. Only one entry came up. It was a web page from the artist. As I opened it and read, he told of how he developed each piece with careful and direct detail of what he believed they should look like. Each piece had a paragraph of how he felt on each one. The last paragraph is where he finally told of the extra piece.
He never read anywhere about this character but yet he couldn't leave him out. The artist wrote that it is Christ brother. The artist warned how this piece had a tendency to try to be front and center, to look down on all that come to worship the Christ child.
It sent chills down my spine. I put the piece back in the china cabinet but this time I put his back to the whole scene and pushed it to the furthest corner. There he stayed. In the back. Not worthy be a part but yet a part none less as Christ's brother satan.

Be Found Sufficient

3 Nephi 13:34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient is the day unto the evil thereof.

Or

Matthew 6:34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.


I read my scriptures yesterday in the Book Of Mormon and this was the last verse. For some reason it yelled at me, so I started to break it down. Of course I also found it in the New Testament. I tried to google it, but to no avail. All I got was the history of why it was said or the previous verses before it. This verse comes from Christ teaching the Sermon on the mount in the New Testament and Christ teaching after His resurrection in the American continent.

I didn't have much time to investigate it further because I am on the road, and needed to heat up my tires on the black top.

While driving I got a text wanting to know where my shop keys were. I wrote the last time I saw my new set, it was hanging up in the kitchen. They checked, and they were there, but they wanted to know where my full set was. I had to remind them that a few years back one of the after school teenagers was using them and lost them.
After that, I was only given a partial set because I wasn't working at the shop. I was ranching and gone all the time.

I learned a ten thousand dollar tool was stolen over the weekend. This tool was used Friday and locked up. On Monday it was needed and found missing. There were no signs of breaking in. It had to be an inside job. So each employee was interviewed. Very upsetting on everyone. No one knew anything. It put a black cloud on the day. No one likes to accuse someone or be accused by someone.

Suddenly it was realized one last employee was on a job and hadn't been interviewed.

As he returned he was asked to come to the office. He was asked about the tool. He sat dumb founded.

He said he got a text picture from one of the former teenagers and he was at the shop. The boy said he was getting gas. The employee told him he needs to leave the property.

Phone calls were made to a friend of this boy and it was learned he had the tool.

The tool was recovered and the empty gas can.
What needs to be understood here, is to enter all these areas (tool room and gas cage) you needed a full set of keys. Like the one that I used to have until this same boy lost mine years back.

His father was contacted. I don't know what was said between the father and son but I do know when the father called back,  the shop was left with the impression that Bakers are evil and it is ok to do evil things to evil people.

I can not believe how many times people judge us as evil and justify unholy actions against us. Most of my blogs touches on this subject.
I looked at my own heart, do I feel justified to treat others differently or unrighteously because I have judged them to be less than honest or a sinner? No. No, I do not. I will not treat someone dishonestly because I believe they are dishonest. I was taught to not judge others. I was taught the golden rule.

Side note, the last time this boy had contact with Tom it was to tell him of his mission call.

I don't have a full understanding of the scripture I started with but I do have a witness of it. How I can apply it to me today.

We should be found sufficient today. Sufficient in our word and deed today. Don't worry about tomorrow.
I am like my father. He was a worry wart. I spend most of my day working through the day and worrying about tomorrow.
I will be sufficient for today. I will be found not judging others but judging myself today by the mark I set yesterday.

When you spend so much time looking at others you can't see your own dingle berries 

A moment in Time

Has a moment ever weighed on your mind. A moment that was, I don't know how to explain it, so ordinary that you wonder why it keeps coming to mind.
This moment for me is over two years old. It took less than 10 seconds to happen but it has never left me. It is still so vivid. My moment consist of me, my brother Steve and my sister Patti.

Today as I walked my dogs it came to mind again. But today was different. Instead of playing it over and over. I was able to analyze it. Maybe it will go to bed and I can move on.

Let me introduce you to my moment, but first explain what was going on.

This is the day of my dads funeral. The viewing, closing of the casket and family prayer has just happened. We (my family, my siblings and their families and all those who loved my dad enough to call him family) are following the casket into the chapel for the funeral service.
I stop to sign the guest book. Tom's hand is on my shoulder. My sister Patti is behind me then steps beside me and she says quietly that she can't wait to go through dads things (she is the most sentimental of us all). I turn and say "I have all I could ever want in my heart."
My brother Steve now is passing by. I am now signing the book and over his shoulder he says "Nothing at the ranch is going to change." I look up from the book but my mouth remains shut. I remember the words but can't understand them.

That's it folks. That's my ten seconds. My moment.
It has preyed upon my mind for these two long years. So insignificant. But yet it never left me.

Today on my walk it all folded out before me. Each character, where they were at the time and what they were doing.

I, Patti and Steve are at the chapel doors. My mom has gone directly into the chapel. And my sister Nancy I can't place her.

Now to analyze this scene. For the first time instead of breaking down what was said, my mind broke down where people stood.

My mom, in the chapel. She had crossed over the threshold and was no longer in the foyer. She was with the host of others with my dad. My mind put the chapel as heaven. That's why she plays no part in my moment. She has gone to her mortal rest and can't help me.

My sister Patti was behind me then stepped out away. Thinking of gaining things to remember my dad by. Tangible objects. Sentiment value. Filling the void that left along with our dad passing.

My brother Steve. Warning or bullying. I can't judge which. But here is what is significant. He passed me up. All others gave me my ten seconds to sign the book.

My sister Nancy never played out before. I don't know where she is. She may be behind me or helped Mom to follow the casket. I really don't know.

If I look at each of these people today "my moment" defines them.

My mom. Passed through the veil. An endeared memory.

My sister Patti was behind me then steps away from me.

My sister Nancy is nowhere near. I don't know if she is in front, behind or stepping away.

My brother Steve is verbalizing his demands and passing by like I am a nobody.

I am done with that moment. As I write this I can feel it is no concern to me any longer. That small amount of time has now almost warned me of where I stand in my family. Believe it or not, it is a relief or release. It is wonderful when something beacons for attention and just like that it is satisfied.

The answer took about ten seconds.

Now one day I will tell you about a dream I had when I was eight that has never left me. But first I need to completely analyze it. Then I will share.

What Can I Pray For?

At my therapist the other day and he says "I hear you been short." (temperament)
I explained the one time I could of been but I feel I wasn't. Then he says "Is there more that you can think of?"
I answered "If there was I was drunk." He almost slid out of his chair laughing so hard. (I don't drink).
Perspective perspective perspective.

A dear old friend commented to me on Facebook about my horses being hauled off a safe environment to an unsafe one.

I'm only assuming all this BS is happening since the death of your parents. It amazes me what people turn into after the death of parents. She wrote.

I told her, You hit the nail on the coffin there.

I have one too!  Except I didn't forgive I just forgot! She wrote back.

It's easier for me to forgive than to forget but I think the biggest reason is because it just keeps coming and slamming me in the face. Was my response.

I don't understand how people can forgive when the person they are forgiving is in the wrong and cause nothing but pain and termoil. I guess I view it differently. Was her reply.

My forgiveness comes from truly experiencing how bitter I was becoming. I don't understand the why they did or do things I just know even today once I saw my horses where safe and  people have come forward for a place for my horses I can only feel the weight of anger and hate leave my shoulders. To forgive doesn't mean I am wrong. It means I was wronged and I am better than them. This was my answer.

I truly loved getting the opportunity to give my perspective. If only, so I could see how far I have come. I can put into words my true heart. The heart that not daily but more often than I would like to admit has the choice of anger or forgiveness. Revenge or accepting my challenges. Bitterness or betterness. Crawling into a hole or smiling as I scale the walls of the pit.

I have called the sheriff multiple times for help. It always plays out the same. They listen and as soon as they ask how I know this person and I answer it ends the same. "Oh this is a civil matter".  Yes it is true you can harass members of your family. Permission granted. If you ever had the inclining. Go for it. (The Lord will judge it differently). Have a blast while you can.

It is funny how we are prosecuted for accidents but deliberate acts of abuse we look the other way. I was prosecuted for an accident I had with my granddaughters. Someone I know and love is in line for prosecution. It is Cherish, as in, "I Stand With Cherish". This world has gone to hell in a hand basket.

While I was gone to town my daughter in law was trying to catch my horses that got out. When the horses where thrown in my yard it was without halters or leads. So to say the least my good neighbors rallied around her to help. One, Ed, also took the opportunity to introduce each other. Once, one neighbor lady heard my dads name she grinned and proceeded to tell a story of him.

"Oh Guy Nicoll, I really liked him. He was a character. He once was going to his property and this other man was blocking his way holding a rifle. Oh Guy grabbed the gun from him, hit him in the face with the butt of the gun and continued driving to his property."

That sounds like the old west to some of you but that sounds like the America I want back. The one where victims can take care of abuse themselves. Long before it ends in self defense.

How bad I would love to teach this (insert your choice of noun, because man or brother just doesn't work for me) to stop messing with me and my personal property. But atlas I am born a generation too late. I am born during the tolerate, coexist era. The turn the other cheek (which is perfect because you are looking the other way as they hurt you again and again) discipline. The walk away but it follows you around philosophy.

I hold no malice. I am kicked in the teeth but as people rally for me, show their love for me I stand with a full smile and dust myself off. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You too can't stop this but holding my hand though cyber space helps. Anyone with any influence that could place a call in my behalf to those that harass me might make a difference, but only effort will tell.

Is it wrong for me to pray for relief even if my prayer petitions  the Lord to call someone home?

From Empathy to Sympathy

The last four days has had a wide arrange of emotions for me. It wasn't a roller coaster of ups and downs. That is how it has been for so long. It was going from empathy to sympathy.
For the longest time I couldn't get the word "forgiveness" out of the frontal lobes of my brain. I started to research it. From looking up the meaning of the word, to "feel good" quotes, to conference talks, to scriptures. I spoke to people around me about it. It was all consuming and unquenchable.
It kept me up when I should of been asleep and it wore me down to the point of nodding off when I should of been awake.
One day as I was trying to satisfy the "forgiveness monster", then it hit me, I had been looking at this word all wrong. This word can drive forward and backwards. I had put this word in drive and was getting no where. I felt I was pushing my truck up a hill. This word is a double edge sword. You can "ask" for forgiveness or you can "give" forgiveness. Once I saw the difference I knew what horse I wanted to saddle so I could ride out and gather my thoughts.
Going forward to me was to ask forgiveness. I spent so long trying to put in words what needed to be said. But I would draw a blank. I would read more stories and thoughts. I would pray and meditate. Still nothing. I tried to put it aside. I thought I must not be fully repentive. But it wasn't that. Who of us doesn't have need to repent. What was pulling at my heart wasn't the need to be forgiven.
One day I came across a scripture that threw me into reverse. I started to study in a new light. I needed to forgive.
Now my thoughts came easily. My truck that I was pushing up hill started to coast down hill. I jumped on the bumper as it picked up speed. I needed to forgive others their transpasses.
I had found my answer and now had direction. I even mentioned it my last blog. I had my days and nights back in order. I put the "asking" horse back in the pasture and saddled up the "giving" horse.
There are four (ranch partners) who weighed on my mind the most. So I started with them. I wrote and erased. Wrote and erased more. It is hard to write in a letter how you feel with it not being conceived wrong. Then I realized no matter how I say it, it is how it is received that makes the difference. And I can't change their heart to receive something only they can.
I had three finished. The last one was a struggle. Not because of me not truly forgiving but fearing the consequences that may follow. I pushed through and finished all four. With in hours of finishing them I know I was blessed. The generator that I used at the ranch had been found and was being recovered.
We knew who had it. And I can't blame them for taking it. They felt it was theirs. They just wouldn't listen.
They (ranch partners)hid it from us. But not from the Lord. It was on complete ... I don't know if you can call it accident when you are being directed to it, but I guess lead to it would be better. See, where it was there is already a generator that runs the submersible pump in the well. So to run across it was ... Christmas! They had removed the tires and hitch so it would be harder to take. But for the people who built the trailer and owned it (one in the same) this was no obstacle.
Bless their (ranch partners) hearts the storage tank was full. As the generator was recovered my heart rejoiced knowing the cattle have plenty of water while they solve the pumping problem. But my real fear kicked in. A full tank means they won't be checking on the cattle all too soon and there was a bull on the side of the new fence with no access to water. Unless they are blessed with water in the dirt tank. I can only hope so. But then he could walk all the way to the old ranch house for water.
The calves are great looking bunch because of that generator. It enabled me to haul water so the momma's could have the best feed possible. Love cattle and being a cattle producer.
Most of all I love blessings that come from doing hard things.


Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

D&C 64: 9-10