For the longest time I couldn't get the word "forgiveness" out of the frontal lobes of my brain. I started to research it. From looking up the meaning of the word, to "feel good" quotes, to conference talks, to scriptures. I spoke to people around me about it. It was all consuming and unquenchable.
It kept me up when I should of been asleep and it wore me down to the point of nodding off when I should of been awake.
One day as I was trying to satisfy the "forgiveness monster", then it hit me, I had been looking at this word all wrong. This word can drive forward and backwards. I had put this word in drive and was getting no where. I felt I was pushing my truck up a hill. This word is a double edge sword. You can "ask" for forgiveness or you can "give" forgiveness. Once I saw the difference I knew what horse I wanted to saddle so I could ride out and gather my thoughts.
Going forward to me was to ask forgiveness. I spent so long trying to put in words what needed to be said. But I would draw a blank. I would read more stories and thoughts. I would pray and meditate. Still nothing. I tried to put it aside. I thought I must not be fully repentive. But it wasn't that. Who of us doesn't have need to repent. What was pulling at my heart wasn't the need to be forgiven.
One day I came across a scripture that threw me into reverse. I started to study in a new light. I needed to forgive.
Now my thoughts came easily. My truck that I was pushing up hill started to coast down hill. I jumped on the bumper as it picked up speed. I needed to forgive others their transpasses.
I had found my answer and now had direction. I even mentioned it my last blog. I had my days and nights back in order. I put the "asking" horse back in the pasture and saddled up the "giving" horse.
There are four (ranch partners) who weighed on my mind the most. So I started with them. I wrote and erased. Wrote and erased more. It is hard to write in a letter how you feel with it not being conceived wrong. Then I realized no matter how I say it, it is how it is received that makes the difference. And I can't change their heart to receive something only they can.
I had three finished. The last one was a struggle. Not because of me not truly forgiving but fearing the consequences that may follow. I pushed through and finished all four. With in hours of finishing them I know I was blessed. The generator that I used at the ranch had been found and was being recovered.
We knew who had it. And I can't blame them for taking it. They felt it was theirs. They just wouldn't listen.
They (ranch partners)hid it from us. But not from the Lord. It was on complete ... I don't know if you can call it accident when you are being directed to it, but I guess lead to it would be better. See, where it was there is already a generator that runs the submersible pump in the well. So to run across it was ... Christmas! They had removed the tires and hitch so it would be harder to take. But for the people who built the trailer and owned it (one in the same) this was no obstacle.
Bless their (ranch partners) hearts the storage tank was full. As the generator was recovered my heart rejoiced knowing the cattle have plenty of water while they solve the pumping problem. But my real fear kicked in. A full tank means they won't be checking on the cattle all too soon and there was a bull on the side of the new fence with no access to water. Unless they are blessed with water in the dirt tank. I can only hope so. But then he could walk all the way to the old ranch house for water.
The calves are great looking bunch because of that generator. It enabled me to haul water so the momma's could have the best feed possible. Love cattle and being a cattle producer.
Most of all I love blessings that come from doing hard things.
Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.
D&C 64: 9-10
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