Witnessing Joy Slip Away

In my dream it was just days after World War ll had ended. I was in Germany, I was a young woman and I may have had kids but I am not sure. I know I truly loved people like they were my own but I never interacted with them like I was a responsible for them.
Americans and those who sympathize with Americans during the war started to gather at an old castle in the countryside of Germany. They were told to gather so they could be shipped home to America or shipped to America to find a new home.

As I walked among them I witnessed pure joy for the first time in others life. There were young children who were either born at the first of the war or who were just toddlers, that were for the first time in their lives ran up small hills and rolled down in the lush grass. Gathering grass stains and holding hands while running as fast as they could. Experiencing what it was like to not be in fear, the freedom of not having to walk looking down as not to draw attention to yourself or family. Of being with friends while your parents are off in the distance.

I saw groups of young girls sitting on the grass in the warmth of the sun, in small circles, giggling. They were talking and looking the young men over. For the first time in a long time they could dream of what all young girls dream of, getting married and having a family. They had spent so much of their youth fearing death that dreams had ceased.

Mothers of all ages gather to visit. To share happiness, to share the love they felt of the weight of war lifted from their shoulders.

Men sat back and watched with delight, their countenance's was as bright as the sun and pure as the air they breathed. Not visiting with each other but with swollen hearts for the relief they felt seeing that they had with the grace of God lived through the biggest trials of their lives and had their families with them.

They were fed lavishly for days as their host waited as the word to got out for others to come gather at the castle.



Soon, I along with just a handful discovered that this was a trap. Our host, you couldn't call them guards because you could come and go as you pleased, they even encouraged it because people returned with friends and neighbors who brought their family members with them. Daily the crowd expanded.
A small group had found evidence that our host had planned to wipe everyone out. They still had hate in their hearts for Americans and all those that worked with them to bring about their victory.

We quietly walked amongst people to warn the them. We told them we were forming a plan to save us but they were to act as though nothing was happening so to not prematurely set off our host.

I was assigned to talk to the women. As I took one aside here or there I looked into their eyes as I explained what was happening.
Some had a look of being hollow, their eyes shows that they did not believe, they would not believe, they could not believe. They feared to return to the fear that had them gripped for so long.
Others showed in their eyes that they believed, the fear returned to their eyes that they had just washed away after years and years of it living deep within.
And a few had a fire rekindle in their eyes. A true spirit of feeling they could and would do all it takes to survive this one last battle.

As my dream closes, I am on the outskirts of the grounds. I am watching three or four men as one climbs a tree, he says to the rest that he believes he is a target. One of the others asked why and suddenly the one in the tree climbs higher and quietly calls down to the others "They are now bringing in artillery, the big stuff".

I now have so much fear that I feel that I am either out of body or more like I am in a theater watching a movie.
I could face the reality of what was happening, I could walk amongst others and warn them. I could not witness the destruction.

I have not yet analyzed this dream. I do write down my dreams when I wake with so much detail. I woke with such fear. Fear that has not gripped me like this for a long time.
When I do have dreams they are usually a warning to me to prepare for something big. I fear the fear I felt.
I hope it is the fears I have daily just surfacing so I can face them and wash them from my soul and not a warning. That would be a joy.

Dreams Of Youth, Dreams Of Reassurance, Dreams Of The Heart

A conference talk really spoke to me today. My mind has greatly been occupied with many questions that I believe may never be answered.
My feet have been set upon a path that I know where it ends but I don't know the why or how. Because of my dreams I know what it entails. If that doesn't sound like the cart before the horse I don't know what does.

I told of dream that I had when I was eight. The short of it was that I needed to fight wickedness to obtain the right to be on our family ranch.
I have study and pray the why but not the how. For me I need the why or reason I do things. But I guess I forgot that the Lord rarely tells you why.
As the for "how" it has been brought forth by the hand of the Lord. Not once did I go to the Lord with a plan, every time it was revealed to me then I prayed to accomplish it.
After reading this talk I have learned that I don't need to spend my time praying to know "why" the Lord wants something for me, but I need to pay attention on how to fulfill it.

The parenthesis is from the talk Swallowed Up In The Will Of The Father by Neal A Maxwell

(As one’s will is increasingly submissive to the will of God, he can receive inspiration and revelation so much needed to help meet the trials of life.)

I don't know what is in store but a great blessing has come to me. To explain this blessing you have to envision a pie cut into seven pieces. My dad had one slice until he passed and I obtained one fifth of his one seventh. Just a little sliver but a mighty great smidgling.
I have now through the blessing and encouragement of the Lord have attained a full slice along with what my dad left me.
I struggled accepting this slice until one night the previous owner came to me in a dream. She had passed beyond the veil. In my dream I was visiting with her husband, she came down the hall, she was dressed in white, she was very young, beautiful, and she looked at me with the most lovely reassuring smile, that I knew this was the Lords plan for me.

(Thus, acknowledging God’s hand includes, in the words of the Prophet Joseph, trusting that God has made “ample provision” beforehand to achieve all His purposes, including His purposes in our lives (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 220). Sometimes He clearly directs; other times it seems He merely permits some things to happen. Therefore, we will not always understand the role of God’s hand, but we know enough of his heart and mind to be submissive. Thus when we are perplexed and stressed, explanatory help is not always immediately forthcoming, but compensatory help will be. Thus our process of cognition gives way to our personal submission, as we experience those moments when we learn to “be still, and know that I am God” (Ps. 46:10).)

In my dream from my youth I faced the witch, as I crossed foot bridge she was under, I still had much anxiety and trouble but it wasn't until I completely crossed onto family land and turned to face her that she disappeared.

Since this purchase we have contacted a family member to say that we need to use the corrals and we would like to schedule a time to not interfere with them. He was still not welcoming and told us that we couldn't. We explained we own the largest slice of the pie out of all the individuals and have the right and we were just trying to be courteous.
I have the greatest desire to share our heritage with all. That is my true desire. The Lord knows my heart, blesses me with the ability to work towards that dream and sends me reassurances through dreams.

(Actually, everything depends—initially and finally—on our desires. These shape our thought patterns. Our desires thus precede our deeds and lie at the very cores of our souls, tilting us toward or away from God (see D&C 4:3). God can “educate our desires” (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed., Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1939, p. 297). Others seek to manipulate our desires. But it is we who form the desires, the “thoughts and intents of [our] hearts” (Mosiah 5:13).

The end rule is “according to [our] desires … shall it be done unto [us]” (D&C 11:17), “for I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts” (D&C 137:9; see also Alma 41:5; D&C 6:20, 27). One’s individual will thus remains uniquely his. God will not override it nor overwhelm it. Hence we’d better want the consequences of what we want!)

Every time I was pushed farther away from the family land, the Lord in all his mercy blessed me. My family tried to get me in trouble as I ran cattle on family leases. At the time I was hauling water and trying to keep the cattle off of the leases. Then the state stepped in and said I had every right. Then the family tried to get me for cattle rustling and the state said I can run my own brand on the family leases. The family told me the well I had leased was really a BLM well and tried to make me get off of it. But that only showed I no longer needed to lease it but could use it for free.

This is the hand of the Lord. He has a plan and it will not be frustrated. I believe He wants the family to keep and use this sacred ground. I believe this, because it is all I desire.

I truly have done nothing to be treated the way I have been. It was foretold in my dream but I never imagined it would be family. I thought it would be some force on the outside. My heart breaks for our family and the pain it has brought forth.
From the beginning I have asked those who betray me to pray and ask the Lord if what they do is right. I have asked the family to pray to see if they can intercede with a family counsel. It is the Lords plan and will, I have prayed and have been answered or led.

The ranch can't survive going into a next generation. It will be two many fingers in the pie.
I humbly make an offer to any other family member that has considered selling,  would you please pray and let me purchase it.
My desire is to make it possible for all to enjoy. To share and involve all in our heritage.


https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1995/10/swallowed-up-in-the-will-of-the-father?lang=eng

How, Lord Will It Be Done

As I walk my dogs in the mornings I converse with the Lord. On many occasions I asked  "Lord, which dog will you leave me with and which will you take"?
I then would proceed to give my reason or plead for one or the other. By the time I was done both dogs were equal and once again I had returned home with the question unanswered but a great appreciation for them both.

That is not the only thing I discussed with the Lord. Many times I reminded Him of my hearts pain. And most times we talked about how beautiful his world is and I would thank Him for letting me see a wonderful sunrise, or some creature scurry, or the beauties of birds in flight.

As of late I told Him that I feel it is time if possible to be a family once again. We would discuss on how or maybe. But nothing seemed plausible. One day about a month ago I asked again for guidance on this subject. The thought crossed my mind "It will take a death". I immediately cried out, "Who? I fear if it is by death some will decide it is too late. They are gone. The arm is severed and nothing will bring it back so why continue". Once again I heard "By death".
I went home and spoke no more on the subject to the Lord.

Vaquera had over time changed, now she was impatient with the other dogs and had lost weight. I took her to the Vet and learned she would soon need to be put down. I stewed over it for a week. I then told Tom I was going to have a full blown funeral for her. Grave, coffin and luncheon. Then a week later I told him I want to invite the family. We talked about it. I think he didn't want me to be crushed if I got no answers back,

My mind was in pain that I never connected my pleading or conversations with the Lord. My brain burned with how long shall I keep her selfishly to myself. How can I spend time alone with her. She came into our family when I had other dogs and never was it just her and I. I needed our time.

Today I have a son and his family coming. Our hearts are heavy. Tom can not join in with us. Evil is still tearing the one I love and need from me.
May the Lord send vengeance on them.

It has taken a death and I now know what dog the Lord has called His own.

Enable

When I looked up the meaning of "Enabler" the use of the word grew upwardly in the 1950 and really took off after 2010. So did our behavior change or did we become aware of "Innocent" bystanders.

What brought this up is something strange or funny about me. If there is something that bothers me I somehow push it back until there is a trigger. Most people I know just get it out and deal with it. I really don't like to deal, I am a hoarder of feelings.

What triggered this one is fall, (the season). For those in the cattle business it means "shipping".

I feel the crispness and hear the whipping wind rustling the leaves and know it is time. I have done shipping since childhood, so the season change brings up thoughts like the fading of spring that stands aside for the heat of summer congers up the thoughts or memories of swimming.

What flooded in this time wasn't the dust kicked up from the heels of cattle while sorting them, nor the constant bellowing of calf or cow as they are separated nor shouting of people to override the noise of the cattle to yell out, cow, heifer, steer as they are directed to different holding pens.

It was Chris, my nephew. His face as he came up to me and said "You don't have to leave, sorry for what happened".

As simple as that my many years of memories of shipping have changed. A simple act of kindness in a storm of abuse changed my memories.

I wasn't invited to shipping last year but I came anyways because I had two cows and their calves to gather up. As the shock registered on the faces of those who were welcome, my brother did what he always has, he walked up to me and yelled "Your not welcome here and you need to leave right now". Then he turned and walked off expecting me to fear and obey like I always have,
I answered back that I had every right to be here.
He said " I can't hear you but all you do is lie so it is not worth hearing".

Immediately Chris came to me with a face of I don't know, shock, hurt, concern, and said "You can stay Aunt Ginny, sorry about what my dad said".

There it is, it took me a year to see the whole picture. Do I apologize for actions of others or do I go to the source of the action and tell them they were in the wrong?

Enabling is as simple as that. To enable someone to keep treating themselves or others without recourse or consequence.

There is history of these actions. Like the time Chris told me to go get my father's guns because they were promised to me, then I was accused of stealing them. I contacted Chris to vouch for me and he wrote back,maybe if you start being nice.
Enabling in its purest form. Willing to let someone be thought of as a thief because  you can justify how the are treating the person you are enabling.

Then there is the time we were having a ranch meeting and the accusations went wild from my brother towards my husband. Chris stood up and said "I am leaving and it is not because of you Uncle Tom". He walked out the door and so did my brother. We finished the meeting in peace.
Once again a lost chance to stop the abuse from my brother.

I once asked the Bishop to meet with Chris and I. As we were leaving the Bishop challenged each of us to make an improvement to the troubles that brought us there. Bishop asked me to learn of the Atonement more fully and apply it to my life. He turned to Chris and told of how he (the Bishop) had to once tell his dad that he was out of line. That dads should and do become our heroes but they are not perfect. Sometimes they need correction just like children do and sometimes it is the child who needs to do it.

I bring this up, yes, in hopes Chris will see what he is doing, but also to put myself in check. I am married to a very, what I would say is like the description that Lehi on his death bed gave of Nephi as his brothers were always abusing Nephi.

1 Nephi 1

25 And I exceedingly fear and tremble because of you, lest he shall suffer again; for behold, ye have accused him that he sought power and authority over you; but I know that he hath not sought for power nor authority over you, but he hath sought the glory of God, and your own eternal welfare.

26 And ye have murmured because he hath been plain unto you. Ye say that he hath used sharpness; ye say that he hath been angry with you; but behold, his sharpness was the sharpness of the power of the word of God, which was in him; and that which ye call anger was the truth, according to that which is in God, which he could not restrain, manifesting boldly concerning your iniquities.

My husband does talk with much sharpness and plainness and plenty of times I have approached him on it, but I can't recall apologizing to someone for it.
An enabler is someone who doesn't try to correct it, it is someone who apologizes for it.

We are not innocent bystanders if we don't step in and stop wrongful actions. We will answer for what is called the sin of omission. To tell a lie is a sin to not tell the truth or in other words remain silent is a sin of omission. Both will be answered for. Enablers think they have love or respect or believe they can change or cover up abuse be it physical, mental, drug or alcohol or pornography . They only add to or prolong the activity. They are part of the problem and not solution.

A positive enabler is one who enables those to get help.

Light Shines Through The Darkest Of Storms

Over six years ago I had arranged my working schedule to where I could spend every Friday and Saturday with my dad as we checked cattle and did all else necessary in their regards.
As we rode around we would talk about the things I had read or the seminars that I attended through the U of A and other government agencies on land management. How we need to haul water to good remote grass, or how we need to fence smaller sections of land as to force graze areas for thirty to forty five days then move off.
I told him that in truth, we are grass farmers who use cattle as a by product to care for the grass and soil, then as we sell of the calves we become ranchers.
He agreed that is what we needed, but he admitted he was just to old to implement those plans. He said, what he did to survive the drought years that we were just climbing out of was, to cut the herd back.
He spoke to my mom about my ideas because her and I were visiting and she mentioned what I had said to my dad and she asked more questions. Which shows I had made such an impression that mom and dad were talking together about it.

After his passing I started to haul water. It was mostly by me, but others helped when they were up there. The idea of building fences was put on hold because we had water issues that called out to be first on the priority list.

Skip to present time and it looked like my only option to run cattle was to fence off a little section and haul water to it. My partners/family had me thinking I was fence in, the lease on the water was not going to be renewed and they wanted me off their state leases. So we spent two days building and mending a mile's worth of fence. Only to find a day later that I have all rights to land and water.

A week before we built the fence I was again entering a feeling of despair but not quite defeat. A calm came over my heart and a sweet peace entered my mind as I heard the words, not spoken by the lips of any being of this world but by a whisper from beyond, "The beginning of the end".
At the time I was riding with Tom back up to Vernon to check my cattle, this was during the time that my partners still had some of my cattle that they took. I turned to Tom and said "It has just been confirmed to me we are in the beginning of the end. I don't know how long it will last or how rough it will get but a calm has come to me that we will start seeing an up side to all this."

 Knee jerk reaction

Also found in: Thesaurus, Medical, Wikipedia.
Related to Knee jerk reaction: Knee jerk reflex

1. an immediate unthinking emotional reaction produced by an event or statement to which the reacting person is highly sensitive; - in persons with strong feelings on a topic, it may be very predictable.

Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, published 1913 by C. & G. Merriam Co.

Gut feeling

gut feeling and gut reaction; gut response
a personal, intuitive feeling or response.
I have a gut feeling that something bad is going to happen. My gut reaction is that we should hire
Susan for the job.

See also: feeling, gut
McGraw-Hill Dictionary of American Idioms and Phrasal Verbs. © 2002 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc

Tom, I and Jesse spent Saturday morning moving water to a new pasture but also filling the drinkers in the section I had been using. The new section that we were implementing has no water. The last time it was used was more than two years ago when I hauled water to it for the Nicoll Brothers cattle. It has been left alone ever since.
I put water on it so Nicoll Brothers could use the mill and graze the pastures that are attached to it. Just weeks ago they moved their cattle onto the mill pasture, then abruptly moved them off along with some of mine, so I figured they wanted it and went another direction.
Heck in some of the dispute between us they stated they never wanted to haul water (even though they helped or took interest in it) and are demanding that I reimburse them money for the fuel I spent hauling water to their cattle but never once told me to stop.

We finished just after noon then headed to meet up with Amanda and kids who were in Virden. By three pm Jesse received a text wanting to know if that was our drinker on section thirty six. Jesse wrote back yes. Then he received another one stating they were going to fence that section off and use it.

My first thoughts were a gut feeling that they were bullying me again. They had a knee jerk reaction to us moving water on that pasture.

As I thought about it a calm came over me. We decided to write back to the text that we would help them build the fence, in fact we had just built some and still had the tooling gathered for it, to please tell us when so we can be available.

Bullied or not my hopes and prayers are being answered. I have only wanted to be good stewart's over the land. To utilize it the way I had been taught to do in my classes. My heart leapt with joy to know we are down sizing the pastures and hauling water. My only other desire is for the whole family to experience their heritage.

May the Lord work His miracles in behalf of our true heritage and inheritance. The Lord in all his mercy understands my heart and lifts me in times of despair. For this I will always be grateful and in his service. I will always rejoice in our forefathers that were sent to Arizona by Brigham Young and pray we will always be found worthy of their sacrifices they made in providing us with our heritage.

One happy soil caring, grass growing, cattle loving girl.

The Game of Life

I have never played the game of chess but for some reason it intrigues me.  The romance of the game comes in making a move that betters your position while trying to think what your opponent's next move will be. It is not a game of chance nor faint of heart. It is a game of patience and strategy. Hollywood portrays it as a game that can last days, no hurry to play the game, time is only on your side, each move by you or your opponent only reveals more of how each other thinks, the strength and weaknesses.

I do believe one day I would love to study or be tutored in the game, my biggest personal weakness is patience. Patience has never been my strength but I have used it as a motivating factor. Many things I have done, I most likely wouldn't have, if I had stopped to think on it. So yes I do need more of it, but recognizing a problem is half the battle.

Today I was thinking of what recently happened and how this, lead to that.  Or one thing brought on another. Chess, oh yes, a game of chess. Making a move and waiting to see what their's will be. Contemplating the advantage of each move while trying to foresee the disadvantage.

For almost two years it has been a push or shoved from my ranch partners, which led to my moves.  I being in defense while their's have been in offense. I don't believe that is the safest way to play chess, but if your thrown into the game when your heart isn't into it, I guess that is how this game goes.

Life in the "Range War" had been quiet. It had stayed quiet for a long time. I didn't believe it was over, just both sides had decided it was getting old and to walk away from each other, let bygones be bygones. I was happy with my little mill and pasture.

But suddenly a new move is made. One of the team players followed us on a ranch road as we were going into check our cattle. They stopped on an upper road and got out of their truck. Our cattle were up that way and took off running, like maybe they had crossed paths before. He stared us down then got in his truck and drove off. We hear two gun shots then see him return to look at us then he turns around one last time and continues down the road the way he was going the first time.
Within the hour I receive a email from a second player on the opposing team informing me that I have ten days to move off the mill I am leasing along with a survey of the well showing that it is their well (which if I truly believed it was my well I wouldn't of waited over a year to get surveyed). The survey is not signed nor has it an official stamp. We forward it to our lawyer who sends them a letter back.
On top of all this their cattle are on the well we lease. A few days earlier we had received a text from a back up player that a gate was found open but no tracks were seen through the gate and that he had closed it. We had looked around and found nothing on us either but low and behold here they were a few days later in full force.

I don't know if it was the letter from the lawyer or something else that motivated them but they removed their cattle, along with ours, who at the time were not with theirs. I found the side by side tracts leading up to where my cattle were grazing.

We called the Cattle Inspector and our Lawyer. Within a day all were returned but six. Then another call to the sheriff and lawyer and all was returned but one. This next move was genius, our lawyer informs us that they have called the Cattle Inspector on me for cattle rustling. Seems their are two heifers that have their ear marks and brand on them but also you can see where I have my brand on them. Oh for heaven sakes, are you kidding me. Really? Have they forgotten they branded my calves and the Cattle Inspector came out at shipping time with paperwork for me to rebrand them. Come on, that is when one of the players gave me that famous petty line "Your five looks like a backwards upside down two".

Well now they have the State Lieutenant General Cattle Inspector (the head honcho) involved. He sends out a statement that because of how old our leases are I can run my brand anywhere on the ranch that I would like, even with their (which lets not forget) are my cattle also.

Seems they keep making moves that only work in my favor, they kick me off the ranch and I gain a little piece to graze myself, they try to falsely accuse me of cattle rustling and I gain the whole ranch to range on.

One thing that still boggles my mind is when I go to retrieve my cattle that they return there is five piles of hay that have been munched down. Why did they have to bring hay into the best pasture on the range. Hum, that one has got me boondoggled.

Oh to update you they still can't find two of my heifers. One has been missing since the first time they took all mine and the other is one of the heifers they took the second time because they thought I had cattle rustled it. This is after three days of riding. Needless money and time away from work for riders to come up and clean up this mess. Money that I am partnership in. Boy what a waste of funds.I need my babies back home. I miss their sweet loving faces.

It just hit me, this is not a game of chess. One team can't be on the offensive and one on the defensive all the time. This is a game of Dodgeball/Red Rover Red Rover.
One teams only objective is to stay on offense by throwing the ball at their opponents while the other team dodges what is thrown while advancing forward.
I don't believe this game is worth marketing, believe me it is not fun to play.

Maybe when it is over we can play "Family". Wait, no, I forgot that game has no rules.

Tom

The other day I turned to Tom and said, "I love you".
He touched my arm and said, "I love that you said, I love you"

I don't say I love you much, I do a bit more (tiny in front of bit would be a bit more accurate).

I believe I have a Midas Touch, just everything I love seems to go wrong instead of turning to gold. I am afraid to become too attached to people. It seems everything I touch turns out to hurt me. It goes way back.

Then Tom turned to me and asked, "Will you, if you can, write all the ways you love me".

Have you ever heard the song by Tom T. Hall " I Love"

I love little baby ducks, old pickup trucks
Slow-movin' trains and rain
I love little country streams, sleep without dreams
Sunday school in May and hay
And I love you, too

I love leaves in the wind, pictures of my friends
Birds of the world and squirrels
I love coffee in a cup, little fuzzy pups
Bourbon in a glass and grass
And I love you, too

I love honest, open smiles, kisses from a child
Tomatoes on the vine and onions
I love winners when they cry, losers when they cry
Music when it's good and life
And I love you, too


This about sums it up. But, I need to reach within and really say what he needs to hear before it is too late.

I love in you, Tom, now that we have been to counseling you understand how my mind works. How I am damaged merchandise but you don't see me like that. Just the other day, when we had hit a unforeseen wall running fast and hard, you turned to me and said, "What I love about your out look on life is how you have felt your whole life you couldn't please God. How you felt you must of done something so bad to deserve all this trouble. Most people would of turned to drugs and alcohol, but not you , you just keep trying to please Him. How you now look at this situation and look to a change for the better".

That is one thing I love. You have great capacity of understanding and true compassion for mankind, especially those who turn to you for your strength.

I love you, because you are smart, optimistic, and you fight for right and righteousness, but you are not self righteous. You are willing to push limits set by man but not test the waters set by the Lord.

Your testimony never shakes or shutters, it is broad enough to carry me as mine has doubted and dwindled.

I love how you can be gentle with me, stand up to me, stand with me, back down from me, believe me and believe in me. Motivate me but not push. Push me when I refuse to grow. Expect great things from me but not be disappointed when I fall short.

I am sorry for all those years you didn't understand me and how I still shut down or won't talk because I can't explain myself.

I love you because you always loved me even when I said I love you, today.

I know I am missing a ton more but my emotions are running high. Just as I sat down to write, my famous "Midas Touch" reared its head. I received this in a private message while I was writing, it from someone I love.

"Legal papers pertaining to  my health that I had you on, please shred since I've removed you."

It took some of my musings from my heart and turned my brain to mush. How about I just commit to treat you like I love and cherish you before you get tired of my troubles that follow me and you also leave me.

Better days should be just beyond my grasp. When those come I know I can write what we both need to hear. Until then I LOVE YOU.

For Crying Out Loud

On my way home from work today I found myself weeping. As I drove I searched for the source from where the tears flowed. This morning had been a wonderful day. Tom and I had received some great news. It did have a small hiccup but I was going to dig through some paperwork in Tom's office and produce a cure for the "hiccup". And in no time I had found what we needed. I could return home and do what I so desired to do today. Life is good.

I found myself once again thinking of a little girl that grew up in an alcoholic house, was molested by a family friend and abused by her brother. Many times I wanted to ask her how she survives, what are her thoughts, how she remained happy during those times. My heart weeps just thinking of how scared she might of been, does she need comfort, does she feel love? I want to hold her hand or give her a hug. Every once in a while I think of her. Every time it makes me weep, then the thoughts come pouring in to ask her all those questions. She once told me she always believed that what happened to her was normal. She felt this happened to everyone it is just we don't talk about it. So how can you be unhappy if this is life. As she got older she discover truths that made it hurt. That is the little girl that needs me. That is the one that turns way in shame.
I don't know if this is normal or not. I guess that is something I need to ask the next time I go to therapy.

See, I know that little girl is me but I don't see her that way. I see her as someone distant, separate. I want to hold her and tell her I know what has happened. She doesn't need to hold it in. That I won't judge her, I will just listen if she ever feels like she would love someone to talk to. I believe she feels shame and might even blame herself. She needs to know that none of it is her sin, there is nothing in the world that she could of done to change it and she doesn't need to feel shamed by it.

That is the part I don't know is normal or right. Seeing her as someone other than me. I know now if I came across a little girl I could tell her that these are bad things that happened to a good girl. That there is nothing that she could of changed, it isn't her sin for being in the right place at the wrong time. There was nothing wrong where she was. It isn't at all her fault. That there is no shame in what happened to her. As an adult I know what she needs to hear, but that little girl has survived for so long in the shadows, hiding her shame, blaming herself for being in the wrong place, feeling worthless, thinking people would never do this to someone that was good, that I can't reach her. She turns from me.
As people talk to me about it, reassures me of the truths I feel the little girl rejecting the truth. It is like reading a great poem or words to a song that resonate deep within your soul but for some reason she/I kick it out or push it away as just words with no substance.

She still makes me cry every once in a while,  especially when life get challenging and I hear her console herself like she has for so many years that she is not worthy of good or good things, that if something doesn't come to fruition it is her fault. Because she didn't do this or that right. She is good at finding the smallest infraction and believing it as the whole truth. That is her internal and eternal fight.

I believe healing is coming. I have witness so many of the Lords tender mercies lately that hope, faith, and truth are replacing most of my weeping for the little girl, with, reaching the little girl. The wounds that were once scars are miraculously disappearing. The weeping is acknowledged and depression has no home. I believe one day that I will look that little girl in the face and she will not turn from me any longer. I feel it coming. Today is a witness, I wept but it wasn't long before I turned from grief to gratitude.

It is true, weeping or crying is good for the soul. It cleanses from the inside the stress that can, like a seed that has blown inside you, became an invasive weed that if fed will take over the open ground and leave the soil fertile with depression.

For crying out loud. My mother used to say that. I don't know what it means, but if I literally do it, it flushes out stress and depression.  And that feels good.

Until the next time, wishing this comforts someone as much as it did me.

Dreams, Purpose, and Impressions

I have previously told of a dream I had in my youth of not being allowed on family property, and my fears that came in a form of a witch. How I had a great desire or impression to face the witch and conquer her. When I did face her it became a great relief to me.

In my teenage years I received my patriarchal blessing. Just like in the Old Testament of Jacob giving his sons their Patriarchal Blessing and of Abraham blessing his family.
http://eom.byu.edu/index.php/Patriarchal Blessings
It is my road map. It tells of being married in the Temple and being a mother but it mostly speaks of watching the world go through changes in preparation for the Lords return. Of how I need to be ready to provide for others in need. I have a great desire to live worthy of these blessings. I try hard each day to obey the commandments and live up to the covenants that I have made.

(I bless you to know that during your lifetime you will witness great changes which will come over the earth as it becomes cleansed and purified and made ready for the return and advent of the Lord, Jesus Christ.  During these times of turmoil, trial, and commotion, your home and your household will be a gathering place, a shrine and a refuge against the evils and the ills of the world. Many will come unto you to find peace, comfort, and all else which you may be able to provide.  I promise you, dear sister, that if you will be generous with these things, that your store shall not be reduced nor impoverished, but shall be actually increased as you bless the lives of those unfortunate people who will come unto you for your help.)

(I bless you to know that after the tempests and the harvest are over, when the earth has been cleansed and purified, that great millennial day of the Savior will come to pass.  This will be a great rejoicing when peace, good will, and love shall prevail over the earth.  I promise you that if you will be
generous with your love, your kindness, and all else with which the Lord may bless you, that the
Savior himself will welcome you and thank you personally for the kindness which you have shown unto His suffering children.)

I always felt the heritage of our family ranch would help in that promise and course. To think the loins I come through and how generations before there was quite a bit of land but as generations came and left, most of the land has been sold off. Only a few of my Grandfathers generation still hung on to a small amount.  My heart and full intention was to have stewardship with all those who had a vested interest in it. And if it be the Lords will, a gathering place for the unfortunate people spoken of in my blessing. I believe the generations who have passed would of found joy and reverence knowing where they once trod, worked, sweat, and loved, could be a gathering spot and refuge in the last days.

 

As my partners or "witch" started to run me off the family property I asked them if they had prayed about what they were doing, if we could meet at the Temple after fasting to see if this is the Lords will on how to treat one another. But that fell on deaf ears.
I asked some others in the family if they could help drawn them into a meeting to get this ironed out. I don't know if any tried and got the same response I did.  Only the Lord knows.
A nephew once texted me that I care more for cattle that my own children and a son of mine wrote me that I should walk away from the ranch. Those words hurt me deep. Cattle to me are my personal symbol of fulfilling the Lords promises. With cattle you need land, feed, and water. That is what I need also to provide for others. As for Nicoll land, it became easier to walk away as I read the story of Joseph being sold by his brothers, only to be in position to feed many of the Lords children along with his own father, brothers and all else in his family.

I have prayed for guidance from the Lord. I tried to find resolve with my partners but their answer consisted of me betraying my husband. After more than a year I ran out of ideas to present to the Lord. One morning as I fell to my knees I told the Lord "I put full faith into your hands, if I am to have a gathering place I can no more see how to accomplish it. Please show me the way." That day a wind blew a For-Sale sign off a truck we had for sale and Tom put it in the window of our old house to keep it from blowing away. By day's end we had people calling the house. With the sell of the house we now have an option to purchase property and move forward in preparations of fulfilling our blessings.
Tom's Patriarchal Blessing also talks of his work in the last days, so beyond our love for each other and our believing in the covenants we have made in the temple with the Lord, we also have like missions in the last days. Anyone that can suggest that I even give up one of those needs to pray, rethink, and maybe repent.

Man can frustrate the Lords plan but he cannot stop it. All will be accomplished. Blessing will come to those that are prepared to serve in any position. I am going to do all I can to fulfill my blessings and purpose. I will do all in my power to be worthy of the opportunity to have the Lord come and personally thank me. I would rather be found righteous in the Lords eyes that right in mans eyes.

I know in my dream that I faced the witch and was once again was on Nicoll property. I believe the purchase of other property is all I have left. It will satisfy my patriarchal blessing but I also believe I will be welcomed back one day to the property of my heritage. It will take resources we could of used else where but we know a gathering place is foremost important. The Lord is directing our feet and we trust him to provide. He has already showed us in the most simplest act, the wind, what we need to do, I know He will help us accomplish the rest.

We all have purpose and promise while we walk the earth. It is up to us to find out what it may be in each season of our life. It is also up to us to support each other in their purpose and not be caught
hampering it.

Ephesians 6:18-20King James Version (KJV)

18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

19 And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel,

20 For which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.

Fear and Lies

Fear they say brings either of two reactions. Fight or flight.

What kind of fear would bring on fight? To me it is the fear of lesser life. If what ever is pursuing me will, if possible make my life less than it was by taking those I love, my life, my property, my liberties. I turn to fight for what is right. I fight when  I have half a chance to preserve my life and that which I can protect.

Fear that brings on flight is the kind that I believe if I lay low it will pass by, be forgotten. Liberty or objects I can live without.

I have face both fears. I fought and lost. I turned to flight. I was given a new life, a new house to hide away until what I feared forgot me or moved on. Or so I thought.

Tom came home with court papers today from Pinal County Court. In those papers was listed my address. My new to me house. I am not so naive to believe my address couldn't be found but I believe in privacy. Even though it is easy to find out information like this and so much more.  I just can't stock people. What drives people to do this?

What boggles my mind is the one doing this search says he fears my husband. Him and his little group fear my husband will kill them.
If that is true do you keep poking the bear. Do you provoke that you fear or do you stand at the ready when it strikes. I just can't believe that you can fear something so much that you harass it constantly. Am I the only one that resorts to flight.
This is down right harassment. Nothing short of it. Bullying that comes from deep down in the dark side that most human beings don't have or few have learned to control.

Can you imagine living everyday stocking every move someone makes so you can pursue them in the courts. To put them away. I have told how he interfered with a case that had nothing to do with him but he used everything in his arsenal to try to put Tom in prison.  He sent everyone in the family the police report so they to could judge Tom as a mad man. I am so happy or elated that the Judge saw past the lies and judged worthily. And the few family members that looked at the police report and realized that it was not both sides of the coin. That police reports are written by the officers and not by the witnesses. The witnesses don't get to proof read or sign the statements for correctness. The officers write what "they" heard.

Please take the time to read about bullying. They can't be satisfied in pushing you down, or pushing you away, they have to make sure that all others feel about their victim the way they see them.

I don't know who is the biggest bully of them but I know with all my heart who started the bullying. He has been doing it to me all my life.


When does a lie become a truth? When it is said over and over. When it is said to others and they believe it. When the only truth you know are lies.

Here are a few lies from the court papers.

   

They don't own the ranch. They only own the cattle. The land is owned by the whole family. When you read or hear the words Nicoll Brothers Ranch LLC it is cattle and some equipment.  Which I am in equal partnership in.  When you read or hear Chris Nicoll he has as much ownership as my kids, and all those that can call Don Carlos and Ethel Nicoll grandfather and grandmother. 

Wow. I got to admit I haven't read the police report so I don't know if Cody lied or if the sheriff who took the report did. But I guess I will have to read it now.  Maybe I can get Cody to send me a copy of the report like he did to anyone else that would take it from him. I know the gun was not pointed at anyone but Billy. Two days before this date Billy threatened Tom by saying he was going to get his gun and kill him. The day Tom pistol whipped Billy he felt threaten by Billy and he wanted Billy out of his office.so he pulled an unloaded gun.  Billy left, Tom ran and locked Billy out.  Billy returned and kicked the office door open in which it hit Tom in the face.  That is when Tom hit him over the head with the butt of the pistol.  At no time was Tom mad at anyone.  He along with all of us was were emotional charged. I do know I was a witness and not a victim. I do know in America we are to be innocent before proven guilty. And what is ironic is Cody profession is to uphold that law and not use it against you. At that time Tom had not been charged. Now the case is closed and all Tom got was disturbing the peace.

First Cody was in Apache County but he was not at work he was  at the ranch along with Don. 

Second Tom was not up there that weekend. Jesse was up there with three other men and their children, plus two of Jesse' scouts. Jesse did drive up to the ranch but realized that the trailer he had in tow wouldn't make the sharp turn into the ranch area so he drove off, then thought he could park outside the fence to load my cement planters and drove back. At which time Don came to see what Jesse was doing. And yes Jesse glared at him.

We have witnesses that will throw these lies under the bus and I pray we get the opportunity to use them.

Don't you just love the part "and beat his wife". Oh wait, Tom is a real loser, he has a lot of money, 5 houses in different cities, his own business, and many vehicles.

What the heck.  Low life if every I married one.(I am smiling to think one is a complete lie and the rest are some sort of insult)

The generator spoken of was and is Tom's.  It was found and recovered out at the big mill as they were using it there.  The tires and hitch had been removed.  It was not in his yard.  Tom and I do not know where Cody's house or yard is.  We have not and have no desire to look up on public records or in other words "stock him". 

So the Judge left out the most important word. I guess you can read into anything if you you want. What this boils down to is Tom's first amendment right being violated.  If you are violated by what someone says about you then take it to court.  Charge them with slander.  How in the heck do you get a restraining order against them having an opinion about you. Easy enough if your buds with a judge.  Then the judge leaves out the perfect word according to Cody.  Now Tom is suppose to know what it means when it doesn't say what it means.  

Hell in a hand basket, that is all I got to say about how this world works now a days.

Cody says over and over again in the court papers that he fears Tom will kill him, yet his restraining order restrains Tom from talking about him.  So are we talking character assassination.  Pride.

One thing I do know about lies, there are two kinds. Those said or implied and those of omission.
I won't be party to both. I won't bare false witness and I won't stand by silently as they are put forth.
We know where liars go. And it isn't hanging on the telephone wire. But your pants could be on fire.

I know the truth will set you free. But what of lies believed? Lies of omission? I was told by a nephew that if I be nice he would tell the truth to clear me of an accusation  against me. Will my
partners that hold the truth in high esteem come forward or do we have to be nice for that also?
Luke 6

 27 ¶But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,

 28 Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.

I do pray for them. It is easier than stocking them mentally and physically.  If only from the first we could of sat down and talked this out.  I truly feel sad that people have to live in such turmoil that is self inflicted.

Trial By Fire

John 9

 1 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.

 2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?

 3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.


Tom and I have gone through a long hard trial. Our Gethsemane. I can only speak for me but I know a some of what I write he has voiced also.
Every trial we go through big or small is because of a choice we made. Left or right, good or bad, simple or complicated. We may of not brought the trial on ourselves but by the choice we made, we may of prolonged it.
Some trials we bring on ourselves, by not living the commandments we eventually receive the consequences. Others we live the commandments and our covenants, and still have trials. These are trials by fire. Our time to prove our faithfulness like Abraham when he was asked to sacrifice his son.

 Genesis 22:11 And the angel of the Lord called unto him out of heaven, and said, Abraham, Abraham: and he said, Here am I.

 12 And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

This story is so endearing. Abraham was born Abram. His father was not a man of God. Abram's father tried to sacrifice Abram in his youth, to one of his idol gods but the Lord saved Abram.
It is hard to fathom what Abraham felt as an Angel came to him with the request to sacrifice Isaac. Abraham is asked to do exactly what his father had tried to do to him. I can't fathom if this was asked of me but it is really un fathomable to know the horror Abraham felt since he was asked to relive one of his most traumatic times of his youth.

Abraham past that trial inso much that he was blessed a hundredth fold. He was foretold that he would have generations that number the sands of the sea and the stars in the heaven.
Abraham was told time and time again to gather his family and flocks to move, wherever he went he was welcomed because he was a man of God or revered for his wealth. He had plenty of trials but always had a ounce more of faith to trust in the hand of the Lord.
The trials he endured, just like the blind man where not because of something they did but because they needed to be tempered in the fires of faith that the Lord could prove their obedience.
They made choices during their trials that brought consequences. Righteous choices receives righteous blessings. Unrighteousness receives unrighteousness.

For me as I endured each trial I erred in thinking "each". I faltered and recovered each time a trial came to me. I woke thinking it has to be over, what else can I give, what else can be taken.

In my youth, I think I was about seven or eight I had a dream. I only dreamt it once although it has many times been brought to my memory. Sometimes it feels as though I am seeing it all again in my mind and other times it was just a small piece. No matter how much was playing before my minds eye I felt the exact emotion I felt the night of my dream.

A few facts to help before I tell my dream. It is about the ranch house, horse pasture, bull pasture, and corrals.
In my youth I was told the Nicoll's  owned the horse pasture, the Engstrom's owned the ranch house and bull pasture. When I asked who owned the corrals I was told that it wasn't known but we share them.
A few years back Nicoll Brothers paid to have the property lines marked out. The Nicoll's own most of the horse pasture and the corrals, some of the fenced-in property that the ranch house sits on but not the ranch house and a small piece of the bull pasture. Some of the horse pasture is Naegle's and the rest of the bull pasture along with the ranch house is Engstrom.

As you leave the ranch house property into the horse pasture you go through a wire gate. At that time the cistern pretty much had an over flow of water that ran in a shallow ditch and ran back onto the ranch property, there it watered the currant bushes and the asparagus plants. It of course had a little grass growing on each side and mud. There was a two by ten board crossing it in two different places for the short stroke (short legged little ones) to cross. And a pipe under the road for the trucks to cross over.

I dreamt that I walked out of the ranch house and headed for the horse pasture, I saw a witch come down from the cistern as I went toward the board that I need to cross. The witch brought extreme fear to me. I went back to the ranch for safety. Even though I was alone I knew I was safe at the ranch or if I stayed within the barbed wire. I could walk to the corrals with no problem, I could then get to the horse pasture but I wasn't to go that way. I tied a few more times to go through the wire gate. The witch would come out again. Once I got as far as the bridge but she was under it.(I still remember reasoning that it was no more than three inches off the ground, but I knew she was there.)
After what felt like a long time I finally gathered up all the courage I had and walked past her. She encircled me yet never touched or harmed me. I was shaking but I was strong. By the time I crossed the bridge she was gone. I knew I had made the right choice to face my fear. It took time but I did it.
The fear I felt going into the horse pasture still resonates with me. I feel as though my heart is racing. My desire to go into the horse pasture leaves with me a feeling that I wanted to go there, I needed to go there, it was a desire beyond me.  If I kept trying I would conquer my fear because I knew the witch couldn't harm me, she wasn't real just the fear was real. My greatest unknown need was to get past the fear or cause of her being there.
The overwhelming safety and love I felt at the ranch I can only describe as the pure love of someone unseen protecting me. As if engulfed in the arms of the Savior or family members that has passed on protecting and loving me.


I remember as my dad was asked to not come to the ranch anymore and soon my parents divorce the dream played before me. I was fourteen and felt this dream may of prepared me for the realization that I would not be going any longer. I reasoned that I still felt the love of family and the witch was choices made by others that took ranching from me. I still had a great desire it just wasn't to be.

Then my parents remarried and I returned to ranching with my dad. The witch had been conquered. The fear withdrew. It took healing to go back again but my Uncles never spoke a bad word or brought up the cause of the reason my dad was asked to leave for a time. I felt safety. I felt the dream was satisfied and it went away.

When I got married and had children I pulled back from ranching to raise my family. I had just a short glimpse of my dream. The short part in where I waited to cross. It wasn't the fear that kept me from crossing it was the resolve I felt once I knew I had to. So in this short remembrance of my dream it was the fleeting feeling I had when I knew it was time for me to cross the bridge. That all will be well.

Of course my dream has visited me plenty in these last few years. The part that plays is the safety of the ranch and the fear of the witch. I have not yet had the resolve to cross or the realization that the witch can't harm me.
I know now is not the time. I will wait for the inspiration of when to face the witch and cross with surety that I can not be harmed.

I do know I am to ranch. That much has been revealed to me. Like my dream it is a desire, a need, and a fulfillment. Not just mine, or Toms, or Jesse and his family. It is from the Lord with a purpose that is only known by Him.

I love the safety I still feel for or from the ranch house, it is still as real as in my dream. The most unlikely thing that has happened lately has given me some much needed boost, is an uncle by marriage contacted me to say he did not take the money for the lease of the land to the Nicoll Brothers Ranch.
Courage and love can come from the most unlikely place. He was ever endeared to me from the visits we have had over the many years. He sees through the hurt that the ranch has always brought on the family and he took a solid silent stand.
Courage to face the witch has one stone on an every shifting sandy soil.

My love for the Lord is revealed to me time and time again through the many dreams He sees fit to send me. Without them I can't even imagine where I would be.

Help Beyond

I dreamed I was at my parents house in Vernon, My parents were there, Steve was there, and a lady that looked like Karen (Steve's wife) but felt more like Kaeli (Steve's daughter in law).
This lady was sitting at the kitchen table, Steve was sitting on my parents bed, my parents were in the family room. I walk up to the lady and asked "Can I ask you a question?"
She said "Sure."
I then said "There is one stipulation you have to look at me while you answer."
She said "Ok"
I asked the question and both of my parents walked in to hear it.
She started to answer but turned her head side to side. I stopped her and said you aren't looking at me.
She said she was.
I said "Look into my eyes then."
She started again but diverted her gaze.
I stopped her again and reminded her that she was to look into my eyes.
She started again, once again she moved her eyes away but this time I moved my face to stay within her gaze.
She stopped and said "I can't tell you if you keep moving."
My parents shook their heads and left the room.
Immediately my dad returned and said urgently that someone needs to ride out section six. That is where the missing cattle are.
I asked "Where is that section."  (all our sections are in double digits)
He said "Beyond that new gate." Then he stopped short because that is something I didn't know about and it slipped out.
He once again repeated that section six needed rode out and left the room.
I went down the hall to talk to him and said I would do it, I knew how to handle it but I am not allowed to go on family property.
I went to Steve and he now had laid back on the bed with his hands behind his head. I asked him if he heard dad. He turned and looked at me. I asked him can you go gather the cattle in section six or is your work standing in the way.
He just glared at me.

This dream tells me that our parents are watching from beyond the veil. That they are hurt that no one  is really willing to talk it out.
How the family said they will talk to me then blame me for moving my head. They tell me it's my fault for moving my head and they just can't talk to me.
Then my dad tried to give us a warning in regards to the cattle. He slipped by saying "new gate" because he realized that there are things being done behind my back that he sees from heaven but of course I can't.
I told him that I know how to do it but that  I can't do it because I am not allowed on the property. He knew that but for some reason he couldn't get Steve to listen to him.
So I went to Steve for the good of the cattle and Steve wouldn't respond. By him laying on the bed it told me that he wasn't gathering the cattle because of work or he would of been packing to go home to go work. He wasn't doing it because he didn't know how to take care of the cattle.

My dreams are a blessing from the Lord. Some come as a joy, like this one this morning. I was blessed knowing that my parents are aware of our problems and care. That the Lord loves us.
Some dreams leave me with much anxiety, I don't always understand them but it puts me in a mood of warning so when something does happen I am already on alert. I still hurt because life hurts but
The shock isn't as bad.

Faith to Move Mountains

Prayer is a mighty thing. To think about it, all it is, is words or even at times thoughts directed to the Lord.
What I have learned is that prayer has to be felt from the heart and not framed in the brain.
I would spend time trying to think of what "I" needed. I would petition the Lord for relief in one form or another. But yet the only relief I got was comfort. With that comfort I did feel my Lord's love for me. But the cause of my prayers were for the abuse, bulling and betrayals to stop. With each of those I found it harder to love, live, or trust.
At first I would pray that those that were hurting me would stop, then I learned from my Bishop that to have that prayer answered the Lord would have to take away their agency to act for themselves and the Lord can not do that or our existence would be for not. We would only be heavens puppets for mere play.
Then I prayed that their hearts would be softened but it only seemed to harden them more.
Then I prayed I could endure but it wasn't all exclusive. I had to pray for endurance for each and every blow.
As you can see in the history of my prays I wanted a fix and I wanted it now. I wanted all this behind me. I needed my heart to wake each day no matter what was to come and just step around it to keep going. But I wasn't afforded that.
I gave up praying for a while. It seemed to harden me and not help. Then I started again just because I needed the comfort it gave me. I got to the point of just asking to accept what the day was to bring. No more pleadings for relief. When I asked for relief and it didn't come it only let Satan push me down farther on the totem pole so I prayed to accept, not to understand why but to just accept.
I had exhausted all hope in previous prayers. As hope started to slip away it would, in a last ditch effort reach out to my faith and drag it down with it. By accepting what was happening around me,it gave me all I needed.
I accepted that I can't change what was happening or why it was. I could only accept that it did happen, that left hope in life and restored my faith.
I never gave up reading scripture. The ones bound in the holy books or the ones from modern prophets. I latch onto Job and all that was written about him. He became my mentor and friend. Job held my hand while reading about him and it always lead me back to reading about Christ and His life of trials, betrayal, being despised and judged.
The most powerful prayer was just recently, as I knelt I asked the Lord to "remove this mountain". I said no more than that. My heart was heavy because I was having dreams about Tom's pending court sentencing. My dreams left me with anxiety. I had read about the Lord admonishing His apostles that if they had faith they could say to the mountain be moved and it would. I felt what I was going to be asked to accept was a mountain, so I asked that it be moved.
I went to court for the sentencing. I asked the judge if Tom and I could be together always and not just supervised. My son Jesse went to speak positively in behalf of Tom as we knew Billy was there for the opposite. Billy chose to not speak but wrote the court instead. I don't know what he said but as the judge spoke to us after we all had our time I could hear the earth shake as the "mountain moved" and the judge changed the sentencing lighter than what we were expecting.
A day later I received in the mail the pre sentencing notification from the court that should of came days before the court date. The hand of the Lord was revealed to me receiving this late, if I had had time to read one of the letters from a cousin in it I don't know if I could of kept my composure before the judge.
The words that are edged upon my mind are overwhelming and heart breaking. This "Interested Party" made statements to the prosecuting attorney that Tom's demeanor has gone down in the last three to four years. And that Tom becomes filled with rage and claim he is receiving revelation from God.
He couldn't believe the defendant received a Class 6 Felony and not the Class 3  Dangerous Felony.
This person who calls himself a lifelong family friend (not family member) believes incarceration is the only way to get the defendants attention.
I calmly sit here and think, yes it has been three to four years, not that demeanor has gone down but abuse by others has picked up against me. Yes many prayers have been said by Tom in my behalf. Yes he did receive revelation from God. Yes at times he was enraged that people we trusted and love could treat me or us this way. And to speak about the incarceration only does him good not Tom.
We were truly blessed that day. A mountain moved. Prayers were answered. And it is easy to "accept" that day.
Prayer can bring peace. When all hope is gone and you sit on the edge of your life wondering how to convey the desires of your heart to the Lord just pause and say "Move this mountain".

Matthew 17:20 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

Or

 Ether 12:29 And I, Moroni, having heard these words, was comforted, and said: O Lord, thy righteous will be done, for I know that thou workest unto the children of men according to their faith;

 30 For the brother of Jared said unto the mountain Zerin, Remove—and it was removed. And if he had not had faith it would not have moved; wherefore thou workest after men have faith.

Dreams and Last Words

Dreams

My dream that I woke to Sunday morning;
I lived in a house that was in a desert area. The yards are shaded with cottonwoods and the grass is lush. It was like a mirage. The house was big. Mansion like. People I know well and others that I hardly know would stop by and spend the night. Almost everyone would pitch tents and sleep in the yards.
One night a couple that I was in a ward with years earlier stopped in. They were going to renew their wedding vows.
It got late and they still hadn't performed them so I went to bed. My room I picked was in the attic. The walls were unfinished. It was just rafters. My bed was a mattress on the floor pushed next the low part of the eves. There was a small bathroom but no walls surrounded it. It was open with no privacy. Yet the house was well furnished.
When I got to my room there was my friend. She was in my bed. I laid next to her then decided I would just let her have it to herself. I went back into the yard, where her husband was making a political video to send to Hillary Clinton. It was not in support for her.
I have no idea where I slept but early in the morning I woke to go to the bathroom. I went into the one on the main floor but decided against it because of all the company. I went to my room and sat on the potty when I realized that my friend was still in my bed and I sat all exposed to her.

That's it. Weird, I know. But by mid Sunday morning I had it figured out.
My yard and house were big, they are my world. Large and beautiful. They represent how I love the outdoors and most people associate me with the outdoors.
But yet with all this vast world around me I picked the most unlikely place to call my own. I pretty much slept on the floor and had no privacy.
People loved sharing my world but as of late I have moved into my small, plain room with what feels like no privacy.
I had recently stop facebooking because my happiness I felt was being used against me. That is why I felt my world getting smaller and my room so unadorned as I hadn't post any pictures of the joy I find.

My Monday morning dream;
I had been knitting. I had finally figured out the instructions of my next stitches. I was so excited to do them but I was in line somewhere and it was almost my turn at the counter. My sister Patti was with me. She wasn't in line so I asked her to hold my knitting.  As the man in front of me started to move away from the counter Patti came back with my knitting. She showed me how she cut out the hard part. She wasn't excited like she truly helped me but knew she had been destroying what I enjoyed and was excited about.

As I thought on this one it was a warning that family members were still trying to destroy what I love and cherish.
I had been told by my bishop that it is important to work on my relationship with Tom and let others to fall to the weigh side. Not to do harm to them but to let time heal them, and maybe be complete once again in the future.
I had Saturday found some instructions that taught me to put a thumb hole in a mitten and I was so excited to see how it finishes up, that is what my dream about knitting reference too.

As I sit here alone in the lobby before Tom's court sentencing I see family members attending. I believe that is my dream foretelling of them coming. As they did not approach me the reason they came was to "cut up my knitting".

Last Words


It's funny how when things are said and they just don't click, then they are brushed aside because other things being said need addressing or seemed more important at the time.

This conversation happened December  18, 2014. It was the last real conversation I have had with this person. Before this date he was my "go to guy" when I came up against anything that needed advice or direction on.

Lots of things where addressed in that phone call. The two things that have been on my mind as of late are these; "It will be hard ranching without Tom and Ginny.", also said "Well maybe to resolve this we should split the ranch in thirds.".
To which I answered, "Then you get to ranch with my brother."
These show me that it was long decided that it was not to be reconciled in anyway. That they would never speak to me.
At his suggestion I took a third and left him with my brother. I don't know if it is the third missing or working with my brother that is so upsetting to him.

Now to be serious. Through my recent dreams I have had the last two days I see warnings of what today was to come. It helped me to not be in shock, hurt, or confused as I witnessed what was happening before my eyes. And by replaying that last conversation in my mind once again I have been blessed to see the hand of the Lord and how much He truly loves me.
How all this hurt may not be over or even if it will ever be.  But to learn that it is not my will but he Lords will that will be done.
That is a humbling thought that He loves me enough to ease my pain through dreams and conversations replayed in my mind to bring healing instead of waiting for resolve.
This has been a long hard road and many times I felt forsaken by the Lord but through growth I can see I have only been forsaken by those around me.
The Lord sends me comfort. It may be through dreams and thoughts but none the less it gives me peace as my world gets smaller and smaller.

Tom's court date has been moved because his lawyers wheel chair was malfunctioning. I see this as a small blessing. Even though it adds more time on, it gives me comfort that I have a few days to prepare my heart for the worst.

Prayers of healing, understanding, and comfort are needed. Please.

Bury Me In My Boots

Bury me in my boots
Down deep within my grave
They witnessed what life took
And testify to what it gave

Bury me in my boots
In the darkness of the ground
Of all the trails and trials
No more to make a sound

Bury me in my boots
When I lay beneath the earth
They had no choice in the choices
And never once judged me of my worth

Bury me in my boots
They had endured thick and thin
While witnessing the glory of God
And skirting around a life of sin

Bury me in my boots
Don't walk a mile with them on
You'll still not understand the why
Just walk beside me before I am gone

Bury me in my boots
Dusty and worn as they may be
They served and never faltered
In my heart they belong with me

Bury me in my boots
I will wear them to heavens door
In sincere prayer of how I lived
May my boots be cleansed and pure

Bury me in my boots
When death has won the last battle
Brand my pine box and lower it down
Near the Grama grass and grazing cattle

One morning I put on my boots and looked down, with unspoken words conveyed to my boots that we are in this together. I would try as I might to lead them down trails. Dusty maybe, hot, cold most definitely, but I would make a promise to not purposely step into another trial.
My boots know where I have been, why I been there and most importantly what being I am.
I took a photograph and told them when I die I want the reassurance that they would come with me. They hold my accomplishments, my fears, my story.
A story at times that feels more like fiction than a truth. A life with such joys I can't contain myself and times that I live in such confusion that my boots sit in a corner until I can face another day.
The love of God, respect for creatures and judgements of man. These three things  consume me. It used to be, judgements of God, love of creatures and respect for man. But man started to unrighteously judge me, I learned about the love of God and true respect for His creations.
Bury me with my boots on. Became my song or psalms of late. They say we may not be able to fully judge until we walk in someone else's shoes. Then again can we? That one short mile is not an accumulation of a life time. We should walk away from judging and be willing to walk with each other. That is a simple thought in this complex life.
We all must die but first we all must live. We will all get dirty but we need to become pure.
For now I will walk in my own boots. Take my joys and my defeats. And look forward to seeing my Lord and savior in this life or the one to come.

Bury me in my boots
Or I will come from beyond the veil
I will find who denied my wish
And make their life a living hell

It Will Only Leave You Hanging

Peter answered and said unto him, "Though all men shall be offended because of thee, yet will I never be offended".

Jesus said unto him, "Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice".

Peter said unto him, "Though I should die with thee, yet will I not deny thee.” (Matt. 26:31, 33–36.)

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1979/04/and-peter-went-out-and-wept-bitterly?lang=eng

Jesus became deeply “troubled in spirit.” As they ate, the Savior testified, “Behold, the hand of him that betrayeth me is with me on the table.” (Luke 22:21; see Matt. 26:21.)

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1990/04/passover-promises-fulfilled-in-the-last-supper?lang=eng

The Lord truly knew these men. He knows us. What we are capable of and what our weaknesses are.

I have been drawn back to thoughts of being true to ones self. Like the examples above the outcome is always the same when we betray ourself we have nothing but sorrow.

I have always enjoyed President McKay's story about finding the stone with the engraving "What e're thou art, act well thy part".

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ykfMvoHu6xA

If there is nothing we can take with us beyond the veil but our thoughts and acts then it is right to be true to ones self.

As I reflect on two different occasion I feel akin to Judas. I have been offered money and position if I would denounce and remove postings from my Facebook page.

It is such a simple request. Heck no one would even notice. These post are old. Who would even notice if they were gone. Who even notices they are still there.

Only me I guess. I would know. Because I would have to find them and remove them.
And the world would be mine.

But what of the world beyond this. Would it have a bearing on it? That is something to ponder.

The posts are truth. And there are times truth hurts. But we are taught to be kind. We are also taught to be truthful.

It is a fine line that we walk daily between being right and righteous.

I read one author that stated Peter never denied Christ only his association with Him. On any account the scriptures said he wept bitterly.

Then there is Judas. Another author put forth the idea that Judas got the exact amount that was owed in taxes and maybe just maybe if he gave the conspiring bunch the Christ and collected the money then paid the authorities Christ could be left alone. We will never know but what we read is he hung himself.

No matter our motives or how slightly we are involved, if we deceive or betray ourselves we live with it.

I believe compromise is a wonderful thing. It shows a willingness to consider others. An open mind and heart to others view and feelings. A give from both sides to say I respect you enough to meet in the middle. But to compromise yourself, values, morals or honesty only states you think nothing of yourself and seek praise or kindness from others.

I reflect on why I post the truth. Most times it is because I see a wrong. Or bullying. I think bullies should be challenged. Be it school yard, family, social group or government. When we don't push back they feel justified and others tend to believe by default the victim must of been in the wrong.
I could just digest what is happening around me. Like they say "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time". We can just bite, chew, swallow and digest. Now we have internalized this thing. It becomes a part of us. Hidden from sight. Is that truth? Hidden? Or we can "talk about the elephant in the room". Give opinions, thoughts, direction, truth.

I believe the only way to fight an untruth is with truth. But more than that the Lord knows I am that way. In my patriarchal blessing it states I have a "love for truth and righteousness". I have a drive for both. I look for and seek out answers to all "elephants" that cross my path.

I believe if you can be bought, it will only leave you hanging.

Wrinkles

I was talking to a friend the other day about how overwhelming it must be for the Lord to iron out all these wrinkles that we press into our lives.

Wrinkles to me are when we act or are acted upon with out understanding the intent or reason of the other person.

Down right sins or corruption are more like pleats in the fabric. Pleats, I believe, the Lord expects us to do our part to work out the hard pressed creases in the fabric. As we make amends or retribution soon we are left with a wrinkle that the Lord can work with.

This week I was noticing how at my "New to Me" house the blessed winter rains have really got the weeds active. I spent a day spraying them and another digging them.  Then the mouth dropping sight of looking out back into the alley at the weeds and grass.

I spent a few days contemplating what I could do about them. Then it hit me. I have little lawn mowers that I could haul over here and they would enjoy the fresh greens and I could help out all my neighbors by attending to their weeds also.

So I went and loaded up five. These little ones never bawl out. They are quite and gentle. Small but can eat down a field fast. I figured they would have it gone in two days.

I let them out in the alley and put up a sign on each gate with a phone number to contact about the calves.

After a couple of hours I got my first call. A neighbor down in what I call the other half of the "I" . See my alley runs east and west but in the middle it runs north and south like a "T" but at the other end it runs east and west again so it looks like a capital I. Anyway she was so excited to have all the weeds gone. She told me how she does take care of her area but not every one does. We talked about how the city owns the alleys but we are to maintain them for trash and fire hazards.

When she explained where she lived I had notice that she had already mowed her part. I also remembered she is one if the many gardeners in the area, so like me, I don't want these weeds to go to seed.

My heart was in the right place. But the next call I got was from animal control. Dad gum. Seems I am trespassing and I need to move my babies. I go and get my trailer and by the time I get there she has an police officer there also. She is hot under the collar but the cop is as cool as a cucumber.

These two are perfect example of wrinkles. She could see nothing but my blatant disregard for the law. Seems while I got nothing but positive feed back from neighbors (as I loaded them to leave a few more neighbors introduced themselves and said this was a great idea) she got one call from the one who didn't like my good intentions. She wanted nothing to do with me. She treated me as a common thief for running cattle on city property.
But the police officer wanted to know why I did this unlawful act. He was very interested in my motives. He listened, interjected, and understood my intentions. He told me that he had been on plenty of calls but I win for the weirdest one so far.
As he left he said he wasn't going to give me a ticket but when he turned in his report his commander may say otherwise. So to me another wrinkle may appear. There is a third person who may have to "press" this matter when they haven't heard my side.

Heard my side.
That is where my anxiety for the Lords mercy and grace comes into play.
The animal control officer had preconceived notion to my disobedience. She heard me but didn't care to listen.
The police officer had heard her side first but listened to my side and found that I wasn't a thief but just a neighbor and cow lover.
I made a unwise choice. It was an unselfish choice. I was thinking of my neighbors and of course my cattle.

What starts out as a wrinkle. A misunderstanding. Can turn into a pleat when we decide to not see from another's point of view. We don't have to agree with them to be able to see from their angle. We just need to understand their intentions and feelings. Or worse if we don't even let them speak. We have decided on our own why they did it and we don't have time or the energy to invest in their intentions.

The officer said if he returns to give me a ticket I will have to go before a judge.
Yes I understand that fully.
I feel a wrinkle that has been happening for years has turned into a pleat and this pleat is going before a judge. I have only asked to be heard. To understand my intentions. Not agreed with them. Only mediate a wrinkle.
I am excited to have this pleat examined. Because I truly believe as the pleat is worked on we can reverse our personal side back to a wrinkle even though the other party might still be left holding a pleat if they don't open their heart to what is said.

My prayer for myself is that I see all my wrinkles, reverse all my pleats, and receive the warming of the Lord's Grace and Mercy.

Two verses from the song we sang today in Relief Society

     Redeemer Of Israel

How long we have wandered
As strangers in sin
And cried in the desert for thee!
Our foes have rejoiced
When our sorrows they’ve seen,
But Israel will shortly be free.


Restore, my dear Savior,
The light of thy face;
Thy soul-cheering comfort impart;
And let the sweet longing
For thy holy place
Bring hope to my desolate heart.