For Crying Out Loud

On my way home from work today I found myself weeping. As I drove I searched for the source from where the tears flowed. This morning had been a wonderful day. Tom and I had received some great news. It did have a small hiccup but I was going to dig through some paperwork in Tom's office and produce a cure for the "hiccup". And in no time I had found what we needed. I could return home and do what I so desired to do today. Life is good.

I found myself once again thinking of a little girl that grew up in an alcoholic house, was molested by a family friend and abused by her brother. Many times I wanted to ask her how she survives, what are her thoughts, how she remained happy during those times. My heart weeps just thinking of how scared she might of been, does she need comfort, does she feel love? I want to hold her hand or give her a hug. Every once in a while I think of her. Every time it makes me weep, then the thoughts come pouring in to ask her all those questions. She once told me she always believed that what happened to her was normal. She felt this happened to everyone it is just we don't talk about it. So how can you be unhappy if this is life. As she got older she discover truths that made it hurt. That is the little girl that needs me. That is the one that turns way in shame.
I don't know if this is normal or not. I guess that is something I need to ask the next time I go to therapy.

See, I know that little girl is me but I don't see her that way. I see her as someone distant, separate. I want to hold her and tell her I know what has happened. She doesn't need to hold it in. That I won't judge her, I will just listen if she ever feels like she would love someone to talk to. I believe she feels shame and might even blame herself. She needs to know that none of it is her sin, there is nothing in the world that she could of done to change it and she doesn't need to feel shamed by it.

That is the part I don't know is normal or right. Seeing her as someone other than me. I know now if I came across a little girl I could tell her that these are bad things that happened to a good girl. That there is nothing that she could of changed, it isn't her sin for being in the right place at the wrong time. There was nothing wrong where she was. It isn't at all her fault. That there is no shame in what happened to her. As an adult I know what she needs to hear, but that little girl has survived for so long in the shadows, hiding her shame, blaming herself for being in the wrong place, feeling worthless, thinking people would never do this to someone that was good, that I can't reach her. She turns from me.
As people talk to me about it, reassures me of the truths I feel the little girl rejecting the truth. It is like reading a great poem or words to a song that resonate deep within your soul but for some reason she/I kick it out or push it away as just words with no substance.

She still makes me cry every once in a while,  especially when life get challenging and I hear her console herself like she has for so many years that she is not worthy of good or good things, that if something doesn't come to fruition it is her fault. Because she didn't do this or that right. She is good at finding the smallest infraction and believing it as the whole truth. That is her internal and eternal fight.

I believe healing is coming. I have witness so many of the Lords tender mercies lately that hope, faith, and truth are replacing most of my weeping for the little girl, with, reaching the little girl. The wounds that were once scars are miraculously disappearing. The weeping is acknowledged and depression has no home. I believe one day that I will look that little girl in the face and she will not turn from me any longer. I feel it coming. Today is a witness, I wept but it wasn't long before I turned from grief to gratitude.

It is true, weeping or crying is good for the soul. It cleanses from the inside the stress that can, like a seed that has blown inside you, became an invasive weed that if fed will take over the open ground and leave the soil fertile with depression.

For crying out loud. My mother used to say that. I don't know what it means, but if I literally do it, it flushes out stress and depression.  And that feels good.

Until the next time, wishing this comforts someone as much as it did me.