God Speed

I had a vision, it was like looking at a painting as I walked by. So much information was processed in such a short time. I saw a table that was kidney shaped, like what we had in elementary school for the teacher to teach in small groups, I was sitting on the concave side.

The table was laden with plates of food. It wasn't comfort food. The food was what you would see in a Thanksgiving meal. There was a plate of finely sliced turkey, one heaping with mash potatoes, a gravy bowl, slices of pies, cornbread dressing and much more to choose from.

It was very presentable and appetizing. I was in no hurry to eat. I knew it wouldn't spoil or get cold. It would just wait until I was ready to partake. 

Beyond the laden table was a hall with high walls. The hall was so long I couldn't see the end of it but what I did notice, there was no windows or doors. There was no choice but to move forward, no distraction.  It was well lit, even as far as I could see it never got dark. The floor was a very smooth cement.

As I sat and looked at the food, my thoughts were of two fold. Being that it is a Thanksgiving meal, it inspired me to think of gratitude or blessings. I had a hard time wanting to acknowledge what was placed before me. To do so would make me feel like a hypocrite. Many times I had seen the hand of the Lord in my life, received blessings, or small acts of mercy. When I get depressed the Lord is the first one I turn from. 

Another reason I wasn't interested in the food was I didn't want to move past these blessings. Not that I feared because I couldn't see any others down the hall. Those would come as needed. I feared the long hall and what strength it will take to start down that journey. The growth that is in store every time we progress usually comes from pain. Growing pains that are beyond the pain our bodies felt in our youth, but the pains in our heart as we experience life.

The floor was a finished cement. It reminded me of the cement on our front porch of Tom and ours first house. One day I was out front with my kids visiting with neighbors. A clap of thunder rang loud and close, at the same moment the skies opened up and poured buckets. We ran to the house. I had a baby in my arms and hit that cement, my feet flipped up from under me, I twisted in such a way to land on my back and head all the while squeezing the baby into my chest.

That cement in the long hall reminds me of something unstable. That, as hard as I try to do right, I might get hurt doing good things. That I might have to face pain that others can't take from me or help me heal. I will have to not depend on the arm of flesh but solely upon the Lord. Trust in the Lord does not come easy for me. But I think my trial by fire is coming.

Tom and my therapist have for a long time asked me to think or write of my blessings. To think of all the good that has happened over my life instead of only seeing the bad or pain.

I think this vision warns me of the long walk I am going to have to take alone. That to proceed I will need to fuel up. Not on food. What I am entering is not feast or famine it is fight and flight. I need fuel that I can build a protective layer around my heart, a layer of fuel I can use to feed my brain. I need assurance that no matter what the Lord loves me, even though those I love seemed to not care a bit for me. I am a thorn in their side, a burr under their saddles.

When my lawyer sent me the paperwork to review that I was pursuing my cousins, brother, and sisters for conspiring to take my right to land and grazing for my cattle the first thought that came to my mind was, Powder yet balls boys, it's going to be a long ride.

I see that in the hall. The length of it is amazing but what is even more amazing is to have light as far as the eye can see. It is the truth that will be revealed. Truth is light. Some of this light may come out as misunderstandings, others maybe misrepresentation, and still more may be pure deception and lies. 

There are five different counts that will need to be addressed and ruled upon in my court papers. I believe it will take a long time to get through it. I will need strength. That is what the Lord is revealing it to me. I will need to feed on these blessings to persevere. I am the only plaintiff listed, alone to speak on behalf of my inheritance that has been tried, taken, or manipulated from me. I stand against five people and three listed entities. This seems overwhelming to me. But if I can square my shoulders like that little girl from my dream in my youth, I will come out on the other side a better person. 

That is if the cement floor doesn't get me.

The first blessing that comes to mind is Tom. He believes me and he has long believed in me. He loves me. His greatest strength is his desire to fight for what is right. Every challenge is met with such power. I have a great asset in him. I am not a fighter. But I can with him in my corner.

Jesse and Amanda are a blessing. They both put their shoulder to the wheel, even when I am knocked so low all I do is argue and sleep.

My dreams have been a great comfort and tender mercy to me. The anxiety I feel weeks or days before something devastating happens prepares me to hold on tighter when it hits. I know that is a warning from the Lord so my knees only buckle enough to fall so far instead of being knocked off my feet.

The one cousin that lets me talk. She has been there when I needed to know if I was crazy. 

My dear friend that contacts me when I need to know I exist. I don't know how she does it but just "hey how ya doing" is always at the perfect time.

The many warnings that something was amiss with our cattle.

I have seen the hand of the Lord in the rulings of the judge so far in a previous case. I thought all was lost with the part he ruled in their favor but as weeks went by I see the ruling they got set a precedent for how the other two rulings will proceed. 

This winter being mild was a blessing for me. Having to haul water would have been really hard in adverse conditions. 

We have been blessed with honest lawyers and the means to afford them. They have even hired people that had previously work in an area of expertise that is very beneficial to us. What a great blessing and asset they will be to our lawyers.

The many times my father has given me confirmation and comfort during this long arduous trial.

The notes I get from almost strangers that tell me what comfort my writing about my trials brings to them. They don't feel alone in theirs.

Scripture and scripture stories bring me comfort. Reading the prophesy of the last days and my patriarchal blessing brings reassurance that the Lord is aware and watching, comforting and orchestrating my trial for my growth. 

Violence isn't the worst thing in the world. Being apathetic is.

          Henry's Book (movie)

This morning I prayed to understand misunderstandings or patience until I do

A friend of mine posted a picture of a sign in her kitchen, it read;

THE GREATEST GIFT U CAN GIVE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IS TO HAVE THEM FEEL HEARD BY YOU

This struck me with delight. Pure genius. Those are the exact words I have been anguishing over for years now, but I couldn't form it into a sentence.

A couple of years back I got an email from my sister Patti, all it said was, Your a two faced witch.

I emailed her back asking what I had done. She sent a reply, You know what you have done.

I didn't at that time, but in a few days of meditation and prayer I think I know what set her off. We leased a section with a windmill and drinker on it and started running our own brand. Just thinking out loud but it is alright to be pushed away from running cattle with the family but not to run your own.

So badly I wanted to hear her out. I truly belief in the gift of listening.

One day I heard that my other sister Nancy had gone to a hearing to testify to the character of my husband. This hearing had nothing to do with her and the judge saw no reason to call on her.

I called her and asked what could I ever done to hurt her that she would go to do something like that.

I needed to know how I could of hurt her so.

She remained silent but was still on the line. After an awkward silent I said in a very hushed voice something that preyed upon my mind but never left my lips. Oh those close to me could read the signals or hear it in my words but this was the first time I admitted it.

I said. Nancy, I think of suicide. 

The line went dead. She hung up. Once again I wanted to know what I had done.

I went to the ranch one last time to pick up my cows and calves that were running with the herd from when my father was still alive and managing the ranch.

Steve hollered, What are you doing here, you need to leave right now.

I answered that I had come to claim my cattle.

He said he didn't hear me but nothing I said was worth listening too.

I tried to give the gift of listening. I always asked "What have I done, or how have I hurt you"? 

I had gotten back in black. The black not in a financial way but the black that comes when you are lost in confusion.

Our lawyers had been checking how my ranch partners had crossed all the "t's" and dotted all the "i's" and found enough evidence to file against them in Superior Court. Like my lawyer said "This is nothing but a f*** you Ginny" by my family. 

My latest struggle was, my two sisters are widows. If there is anything the Lord talks about caring for as much as the little children it is widows.

I had the hardest time trying to swallow that pill. But they signed papers that threw me aside, that took my inheritance from me. They were part. Could I press charges only toward the men? Can we pick only a few out of a bunch to prosecute? 

This tore me up inside. I soon had to bite the bullet and file against them all or none at all.

Between that and other things that just previous to this had happened,Tom had no choice but to ask me to return to therapy. 

As we visited I told him of my sister hanging up on me. He asked me how did that make me feel and why would she do that. 

I felt I was of no worth. I called to see if I needed to amend for something. I reach out to someone I loved with the fear that had started gripping at me. I told him that it just told me that no one cares why should I.

He said what it tells him is she felt guilty for something and didn't want to face it at that time.

I find myself not wanting to believe my therapist. To believe there has to be undeniable facts or the want to believe. That is how we believe in Christ and/or believe Christ. We want too or there are factors in our life that we can not deny Christ.

When you believe more in others than yourself it destroys the truth that is placed in front of you.

I told him how I struggled with my sisters being widows. That they are special to the Lord. 

Even Christ upon his death asked for his mother to be taken care of. He knows and understands the plight of the widow.

I had to come to the recognition that widows are to be taken care of, they are not perfect. They make choices that are not pure in heart.

At the close of our session I said I think I could get along better in life if I quit reading the scriptures. They put conflict in my brain.

He said that would not be a good choice.

Ok, I'll keep reading them.

A day before General Conference for the Chuch of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints started I wrote down seven statements or questions that I needed answered. The first one I asked the Lord if I had His blessing on where the family pursuit was going. As I listened to all the sessions many things were answered and others enlightened but that first question still remains unanswered.  As the last session closed, our newly sustained Prophet stood to speak. In one small part he quoted from the song Let Us All Press On.  I heard many angels shout as he said "In the fight for right let us wield a sword, The mighty sword of truth."

My whole fight has been for truth. The Lord rejoices in truth. In spreading it and defending it. To uphold those stand upon it and to expose those that defile it.

Somethings are so ironic. On Facebook over a period of days I watched as many friends posted pictures of their siblings. I thought of mine. How I wish it was different not indifference between us. As sadness started it long strangle hold upon me, my lawyer called, my two sisters had been served. I won't lie, I did rejoice. When you have the blessing of the Lord it helps to face the most difficult situations. My happiness comes from the thought that we will be heard.

May truth prevail and may we all one day give the gift of being heard.