When I Go

I have always has a firm belief that the next life is a whole lot better than this one. I guess that is why I spend so much time thinking of my send off party. Like, I want Freebird played over my grave, a pair of Levi's thrown in so I am not stuck with just a dress when I get there. I want funeral potatoes and ham served. I want a home funeral and buried on private property next to my dogs and whomever is left that loved me to the end (humans).

I am old enough to have survived others going before me. My parents of course. My grandmothers both passed before I was born and my grampas lived enough for me to grow to miss them for what they meant to me.

Then I meet Tom and he had multiple generation of grandparents. It was new and different seeing so many generations interacting together. Especially the matriarchs sitting around quilting. The stories, laughter, aches, doctor visits, and problems discussed within each generation. I enjoyed every stitch with them. And couldn't wait to add a generation or two to the tradition. But it is gone now. 

I have noticed there are two different leavers that leave this world. The givers and the fairers. Some just see the end coming and give away things to those that will appreciate it. Kind of like they live the law of consecration. The Lords law. Then there are those that gather their stores in to have sold off and divvy up the money amongst the Trust. They see unfairness and corruption and they will not let it go by on their watch. The law of the land.

I am not to judge between the two. I am trying to teach myself how I want to leave. No matter which way you leave those left will complain. So decide now and die in peace. Or you can do nothing and let the courts decide while you exit stage left.

As Tom's grandmother on his father's side was preparing to go she told the executor over the estate "Tommy gets the big freezer. He is the only one raising beef calves and he can use it".

It was a blessing and a great example to us. I find both of us giving things away that someone needs or could use more than we do. 

Tom's dad did the same. He would give things away that he found he used no longer. He was never a possessive man but a very giving person.

My parents down sized and gave most away then. It was years before they passed but it just didn't matter in their lives anymore. Then as my dad started to slow down he told me and others that "Ginnys boys get my guns".  

Right now one is gathering in their things. Things that they haven't see in years. They sent out a list of what is missing. The family members have the choice to return it, purchase it, or have it taken from their inheritance. A price is fixed. The price reflect no depreciation in age or value nor does it reflect money spent in order to keep some of its value. They feel it is only fair. It is what is right for them to have peace.

Life is a lot harder here that there. No wonder the unwritten rule is "You can't take it with you". Once on the other side there are no more possessions, what in heavens name are we going to complain about then? 

I think I will burn all my possessions and donate the rest to the church. Then the complaints will not tear those I leave behind apart but draw then into one large choir of "what in the hell did she just do"?

Heritage is free, the price they paid is immeasurable. Inheritance is costly, the price we pay is not worth it.

Witnessing Joy Slip Away

In my dream it was just days after World War ll had ended. I was in Germany, I was a young woman and I may have had kids but I am not sure. I know I truly loved people like they were my own but I never interacted with them like I was a responsible for them.
Americans and those who sympathize with Americans during the war started to gather at an old castle in the countryside of Germany. They were told to gather so they could be shipped home to America or shipped to America to find a new home.

As I walked among them I witnessed pure joy for the first time in others life. There were young children who were either born at the first of the war or who were just toddlers, that were for the first time in their lives ran up small hills and rolled down in the lush grass. Gathering grass stains and holding hands while running as fast as they could. Experiencing what it was like to not be in fear, the freedom of not having to walk looking down as not to draw attention to yourself or family. Of being with friends while your parents are off in the distance.

I saw groups of young girls sitting on the grass in the warmth of the sun, in small circles, giggling. They were talking and looking the young men over. For the first time in a long time they could dream of what all young girls dream of, getting married and having a family. They had spent so much of their youth fearing death that dreams had ceased.

Mothers of all ages gather to visit. To share happiness, to share the love they felt of the weight of war lifted from their shoulders.

Men sat back and watched with delight, their countenance's was as bright as the sun and pure as the air they breathed. Not visiting with each other but with swollen hearts for the relief they felt seeing that they had with the grace of God lived through the biggest trials of their lives and had their families with them.

They were fed lavishly for days as their host waited as the word to got out for others to come gather at the castle.



Soon, I along with just a handful discovered that this was a trap. Our host, you couldn't call them guards because you could come and go as you pleased, they even encouraged it because people returned with friends and neighbors who brought their family members with them. Daily the crowd expanded.
A small group had found evidence that our host had planned to wipe everyone out. They still had hate in their hearts for Americans and all those that worked with them to bring about their victory.

We quietly walked amongst people to warn the them. We told them we were forming a plan to save us but they were to act as though nothing was happening so to not prematurely set off our host.

I was assigned to talk to the women. As I took one aside here or there I looked into their eyes as I explained what was happening.
Some had a look of being hollow, their eyes shows that they did not believe, they would not believe, they could not believe. They feared to return to the fear that had them gripped for so long.
Others showed in their eyes that they believed, the fear returned to their eyes that they had just washed away after years and years of it living deep within.
And a few had a fire rekindle in their eyes. A true spirit of feeling they could and would do all it takes to survive this one last battle.

As my dream closes, I am on the outskirts of the grounds. I am watching three or four men as one climbs a tree, he says to the rest that he believes he is a target. One of the others asked why and suddenly the one in the tree climbs higher and quietly calls down to the others "They are now bringing in artillery, the big stuff".

I now have so much fear that I feel that I am either out of body or more like I am in a theater watching a movie.
I could face the reality of what was happening, I could walk amongst others and warn them. I could not witness the destruction.

I have not yet analyzed this dream. I do write down my dreams when I wake with so much detail. I woke with such fear. Fear that has not gripped me like this for a long time.
When I do have dreams they are usually a warning to me to prepare for something big. I fear the fear I felt.
I hope it is the fears I have daily just surfacing so I can face them and wash them from my soul and not a warning. That would be a joy.

Dreams Of Youth, Dreams Of Reassurance, Dreams Of The Heart

A conference talk really spoke to me today. My mind has greatly been occupied with many questions that I believe may never be answered.
My feet have been set upon a path that I know where it ends but I don't know the why or how. Because of my dreams I know what it entails. If that doesn't sound like the cart before the horse I don't know what does.

I told of dream that I had when I was eight. The short of it was that I needed to fight wickedness to obtain the right to be on our family ranch.
I have study and pray the why but not the how. For me I need the why or reason I do things. But I guess I forgot that the Lord rarely tells you why.
As the for "how" it has been brought forth by the hand of the Lord. Not once did I go to the Lord with a plan, every time it was revealed to me then I prayed to accomplish it.
After reading this talk I have learned that I don't need to spend my time praying to know "why" the Lord wants something for me, but I need to pay attention on how to fulfill it.

The parenthesis is from the talk Swallowed Up In The Will Of The Father by Neal A Maxwell

(As one’s will is increasingly submissive to the will of God, he can receive inspiration and revelation so much needed to help meet the trials of life.)

I don't know what is in store but a great blessing has come to me. To explain this blessing you have to envision a pie cut into seven pieces. My dad had one slice until he passed and I obtained one fifth of his one seventh. Just a little sliver but a mighty great smidgling.
I have now through the blessing and encouragement of the Lord have attained a full slice along with what my dad left me.
I struggled accepting this slice until one night the previous owner came to me in a dream. She had passed beyond the veil. In my dream I was visiting with her husband, she came down the hall, she was dressed in white, she was very young, beautiful, and she looked at me with the most lovely reassuring smile, that I knew this was the Lords plan for me.

(Thus, acknowledging God’s hand includes, in the words of the Prophet Joseph, trusting that God has made “ample provision” beforehand to achieve all His purposes, including His purposes in our lives (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 220). Sometimes He clearly directs; other times it seems He merely permits some things to happen. Therefore, we will not always understand the role of God’s hand, but we know enough of his heart and mind to be submissive. Thus when we are perplexed and stressed, explanatory help is not always immediately forthcoming, but compensatory help will be. Thus our process of cognition gives way to our personal submission, as we experience those moments when we learn to “be still, and know that I am God” (Ps. 46:10).)

In my dream from my youth I faced the witch, as I crossed foot bridge she was under, I still had much anxiety and trouble but it wasn't until I completely crossed onto family land and turned to face her that she disappeared.

Since this purchase we have contacted a family member to say that we need to use the corrals and we would like to schedule a time to not interfere with them. He was still not welcoming and told us that we couldn't. We explained we own the largest slice of the pie out of all the individuals and have the right and we were just trying to be courteous.
I have the greatest desire to share our heritage with all. That is my true desire. The Lord knows my heart, blesses me with the ability to work towards that dream and sends me reassurances through dreams.

(Actually, everything depends—initially and finally—on our desires. These shape our thought patterns. Our desires thus precede our deeds and lie at the very cores of our souls, tilting us toward or away from God (see D&C 4:3). God can “educate our desires” (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed., Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1939, p. 297). Others seek to manipulate our desires. But it is we who form the desires, the “thoughts and intents of [our] hearts” (Mosiah 5:13).

The end rule is “according to [our] desires … shall it be done unto [us]” (D&C 11:17), “for I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts” (D&C 137:9; see also Alma 41:5; D&C 6:20, 27). One’s individual will thus remains uniquely his. God will not override it nor overwhelm it. Hence we’d better want the consequences of what we want!)

Every time I was pushed farther away from the family land, the Lord in all his mercy blessed me. My family tried to get me in trouble as I ran cattle on family leases. At the time I was hauling water and trying to keep the cattle off of the leases. Then the state stepped in and said I had every right. Then the family tried to get me for cattle rustling and the state said I can run my own brand on the family leases. The family told me the well I had leased was really a BLM well and tried to make me get off of it. But that only showed I no longer needed to lease it but could use it for free.

This is the hand of the Lord. He has a plan and it will not be frustrated. I believe He wants the family to keep and use this sacred ground. I believe this, because it is all I desire.

I truly have done nothing to be treated the way I have been. It was foretold in my dream but I never imagined it would be family. I thought it would be some force on the outside. My heart breaks for our family and the pain it has brought forth.
From the beginning I have asked those who betray me to pray and ask the Lord if what they do is right. I have asked the family to pray to see if they can intercede with a family counsel. It is the Lords plan and will, I have prayed and have been answered or led.

The ranch can't survive going into a next generation. It will be two many fingers in the pie.
I humbly make an offer to any other family member that has considered selling,  would you please pray and let me purchase it.
My desire is to make it possible for all to enjoy. To share and involve all in our heritage.


https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1995/10/swallowed-up-in-the-will-of-the-father?lang=eng

How, Lord Will It Be Done

As I walk my dogs in the mornings I converse with the Lord. On many occasions I asked  "Lord, which dog will you leave me with and which will you take"?
I then would proceed to give my reason or plead for one or the other. By the time I was done both dogs were equal and once again I had returned home with the question unanswered but a great appreciation for them both.

That is not the only thing I discussed with the Lord. Many times I reminded Him of my hearts pain. And most times we talked about how beautiful his world is and I would thank Him for letting me see a wonderful sunrise, or some creature scurry, or the beauties of birds in flight.

As of late I told Him that I feel it is time if possible to be a family once again. We would discuss on how or maybe. But nothing seemed plausible. One day about a month ago I asked again for guidance on this subject. The thought crossed my mind "It will take a death". I immediately cried out, "Who? I fear if it is by death some will decide it is too late. They are gone. The arm is severed and nothing will bring it back so why continue". Once again I heard "By death".
I went home and spoke no more on the subject to the Lord.

Vaquera had over time changed, now she was impatient with the other dogs and had lost weight. I took her to the Vet and learned she would soon need to be put down. I stewed over it for a week. I then told Tom I was going to have a full blown funeral for her. Grave, coffin and luncheon. Then a week later I told him I want to invite the family. We talked about it. I think he didn't want me to be crushed if I got no answers back,

My mind was in pain that I never connected my pleading or conversations with the Lord. My brain burned with how long shall I keep her selfishly to myself. How can I spend time alone with her. She came into our family when I had other dogs and never was it just her and I. I needed our time.

Today I have a son and his family coming. Our hearts are heavy. Tom can not join in with us. Evil is still tearing the one I love and need from me.
May the Lord send vengeance on them.

It has taken a death and I now know what dog the Lord has called His own.

Enable

When I looked up the meaning of "Enabler" the use of the word grew upwardly in the 1950 and really took off after 2010. So did our behavior change or did we become aware of "Innocent" bystanders.

What brought this up is something strange or funny about me. If there is something that bothers me I somehow push it back until there is a trigger. Most people I know just get it out and deal with it. I really don't like to deal, I am a hoarder of feelings.

What triggered this one is fall, (the season). For those in the cattle business it means "shipping".

I feel the crispness and hear the whipping wind rustling the leaves and know it is time. I have done shipping since childhood, so the season change brings up thoughts like the fading of spring that stands aside for the heat of summer congers up the thoughts or memories of swimming.

What flooded in this time wasn't the dust kicked up from the heels of cattle while sorting them, nor the constant bellowing of calf or cow as they are separated nor shouting of people to override the noise of the cattle to yell out, cow, heifer, steer as they are directed to different holding pens.

It was Chris, my nephew. His face as he came up to me and said "You don't have to leave, sorry for what happened".

As simple as that my many years of memories of shipping have changed. A simple act of kindness in a storm of abuse changed my memories.

I wasn't invited to shipping last year but I came anyways because I had two cows and their calves to gather up. As the shock registered on the faces of those who were welcome, my brother did what he always has, he walked up to me and yelled "Your not welcome here and you need to leave right now". Then he turned and walked off expecting me to fear and obey like I always have,
I answered back that I had every right to be here.
He said " I can't hear you but all you do is lie so it is not worth hearing".

Immediately Chris came to me with a face of I don't know, shock, hurt, concern, and said "You can stay Aunt Ginny, sorry about what my dad said".

There it is, it took me a year to see the whole picture. Do I apologize for actions of others or do I go to the source of the action and tell them they were in the wrong?

Enabling is as simple as that. To enable someone to keep treating themselves or others without recourse or consequence.

There is history of these actions. Like the time Chris told me to go get my father's guns because they were promised to me, then I was accused of stealing them. I contacted Chris to vouch for me and he wrote back,maybe if you start being nice.
Enabling in its purest form. Willing to let someone be thought of as a thief because  you can justify how the are treating the person you are enabling.

Then there is the time we were having a ranch meeting and the accusations went wild from my brother towards my husband. Chris stood up and said "I am leaving and it is not because of you Uncle Tom". He walked out the door and so did my brother. We finished the meeting in peace.
Once again a lost chance to stop the abuse from my brother.

I once asked the Bishop to meet with Chris and I. As we were leaving the Bishop challenged each of us to make an improvement to the troubles that brought us there. Bishop asked me to learn of the Atonement more fully and apply it to my life. He turned to Chris and told of how he (the Bishop) had to once tell his dad that he was out of line. That dads should and do become our heroes but they are not perfect. Sometimes they need correction just like children do and sometimes it is the child who needs to do it.

I bring this up, yes, in hopes Chris will see what he is doing, but also to put myself in check. I am married to a very, what I would say is like the description that Lehi on his death bed gave of Nephi as his brothers were always abusing Nephi.

1 Nephi 1

25 And I exceedingly fear and tremble because of you, lest he shall suffer again; for behold, ye have accused him that he sought power and authority over you; but I know that he hath not sought for power nor authority over you, but he hath sought the glory of God, and your own eternal welfare.

26 And ye have murmured because he hath been plain unto you. Ye say that he hath used sharpness; ye say that he hath been angry with you; but behold, his sharpness was the sharpness of the power of the word of God, which was in him; and that which ye call anger was the truth, according to that which is in God, which he could not restrain, manifesting boldly concerning your iniquities.

My husband does talk with much sharpness and plainness and plenty of times I have approached him on it, but I can't recall apologizing to someone for it.
An enabler is someone who doesn't try to correct it, it is someone who apologizes for it.

We are not innocent bystanders if we don't step in and stop wrongful actions. We will answer for what is called the sin of omission. To tell a lie is a sin to not tell the truth or in other words remain silent is a sin of omission. Both will be answered for. Enablers think they have love or respect or believe they can change or cover up abuse be it physical, mental, drug or alcohol or pornography . They only add to or prolong the activity. They are part of the problem and not solution.

A positive enabler is one who enables those to get help.

Light Shines Through The Darkest Of Storms

Over six years ago I had arranged my working schedule to where I could spend every Friday and Saturday with my dad as we checked cattle and did all else necessary in their regards.
As we rode around we would talk about the things I had read or the seminars that I attended through the U of A and other government agencies on land management. How we need to haul water to good remote grass, or how we need to fence smaller sections of land as to force graze areas for thirty to forty five days then move off.
I told him that in truth, we are grass farmers who use cattle as a by product to care for the grass and soil, then as we sell of the calves we become ranchers.
He agreed that is what we needed, but he admitted he was just to old to implement those plans. He said, what he did to survive the drought years that we were just climbing out of was, to cut the herd back.
He spoke to my mom about my ideas because her and I were visiting and she mentioned what I had said to my dad and she asked more questions. Which shows I had made such an impression that mom and dad were talking together about it.

After his passing I started to haul water. It was mostly by me, but others helped when they were up there. The idea of building fences was put on hold because we had water issues that called out to be first on the priority list.

Skip to present time and it looked like my only option to run cattle was to fence off a little section and haul water to it. My partners/family had me thinking I was fence in, the lease on the water was not going to be renewed and they wanted me off their state leases. So we spent two days building and mending a mile's worth of fence. Only to find a day later that I have all rights to land and water.

A week before we built the fence I was again entering a feeling of despair but not quite defeat. A calm came over my heart and a sweet peace entered my mind as I heard the words, not spoken by the lips of any being of this world but by a whisper from beyond, "The beginning of the end".
At the time I was riding with Tom back up to Vernon to check my cattle, this was during the time that my partners still had some of my cattle that they took. I turned to Tom and said "It has just been confirmed to me we are in the beginning of the end. I don't know how long it will last or how rough it will get but a calm has come to me that we will start seeing an up side to all this."

 Knee jerk reaction

Also found in: Thesaurus, Medical, Wikipedia.
Related to Knee jerk reaction: Knee jerk reflex

1. an immediate unthinking emotional reaction produced by an event or statement to which the reacting person is highly sensitive; - in persons with strong feelings on a topic, it may be very predictable.

Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, published 1913 by C. & G. Merriam Co.

Gut feeling

gut feeling and gut reaction; gut response
a personal, intuitive feeling or response.
I have a gut feeling that something bad is going to happen. My gut reaction is that we should hire
Susan for the job.

See also: feeling, gut
McGraw-Hill Dictionary of American Idioms and Phrasal Verbs. © 2002 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc

Tom, I and Jesse spent Saturday morning moving water to a new pasture but also filling the drinkers in the section I had been using. The new section that we were implementing has no water. The last time it was used was more than two years ago when I hauled water to it for the Nicoll Brothers cattle. It has been left alone ever since.
I put water on it so Nicoll Brothers could use the mill and graze the pastures that are attached to it. Just weeks ago they moved their cattle onto the mill pasture, then abruptly moved them off along with some of mine, so I figured they wanted it and went another direction.
Heck in some of the dispute between us they stated they never wanted to haul water (even though they helped or took interest in it) and are demanding that I reimburse them money for the fuel I spent hauling water to their cattle but never once told me to stop.

We finished just after noon then headed to meet up with Amanda and kids who were in Virden. By three pm Jesse received a text wanting to know if that was our drinker on section thirty six. Jesse wrote back yes. Then he received another one stating they were going to fence that section off and use it.

My first thoughts were a gut feeling that they were bullying me again. They had a knee jerk reaction to us moving water on that pasture.

As I thought about it a calm came over me. We decided to write back to the text that we would help them build the fence, in fact we had just built some and still had the tooling gathered for it, to please tell us when so we can be available.

Bullied or not my hopes and prayers are being answered. I have only wanted to be good stewart's over the land. To utilize it the way I had been taught to do in my classes. My heart leapt with joy to know we are down sizing the pastures and hauling water. My only other desire is for the whole family to experience their heritage.

May the Lord work His miracles in behalf of our true heritage and inheritance. The Lord in all his mercy understands my heart and lifts me in times of despair. For this I will always be grateful and in his service. I will always rejoice in our forefathers that were sent to Arizona by Brigham Young and pray we will always be found worthy of their sacrifices they made in providing us with our heritage.

One happy soil caring, grass growing, cattle loving girl.

The Game of Life

I have never played the game of chess but for some reason it intrigues me.  The romance of the game comes in making a move that betters your position while trying to think what your opponent's next move will be. It is not a game of chance nor faint of heart. It is a game of patience and strategy. Hollywood portrays it as a game that can last days, no hurry to play the game, time is only on your side, each move by you or your opponent only reveals more of how each other thinks, the strength and weaknesses.

I do believe one day I would love to study or be tutored in the game, my biggest personal weakness is patience. Patience has never been my strength but I have used it as a motivating factor. Many things I have done, I most likely wouldn't have, if I had stopped to think on it. So yes I do need more of it, but recognizing a problem is half the battle.

Today I was thinking of what recently happened and how this, lead to that.  Or one thing brought on another. Chess, oh yes, a game of chess. Making a move and waiting to see what their's will be. Contemplating the advantage of each move while trying to foresee the disadvantage.

For almost two years it has been a push or shoved from my ranch partners, which led to my moves.  I being in defense while their's have been in offense. I don't believe that is the safest way to play chess, but if your thrown into the game when your heart isn't into it, I guess that is how this game goes.

Life in the "Range War" had been quiet. It had stayed quiet for a long time. I didn't believe it was over, just both sides had decided it was getting old and to walk away from each other, let bygones be bygones. I was happy with my little mill and pasture.

But suddenly a new move is made. One of the team players followed us on a ranch road as we were going into check our cattle. They stopped on an upper road and got out of their truck. Our cattle were up that way and took off running, like maybe they had crossed paths before. He stared us down then got in his truck and drove off. We hear two gun shots then see him return to look at us then he turns around one last time and continues down the road the way he was going the first time.
Within the hour I receive a email from a second player on the opposing team informing me that I have ten days to move off the mill I am leasing along with a survey of the well showing that it is their well (which if I truly believed it was my well I wouldn't of waited over a year to get surveyed). The survey is not signed nor has it an official stamp. We forward it to our lawyer who sends them a letter back.
On top of all this their cattle are on the well we lease. A few days earlier we had received a text from a back up player that a gate was found open but no tracks were seen through the gate and that he had closed it. We had looked around and found nothing on us either but low and behold here they were a few days later in full force.

I don't know if it was the letter from the lawyer or something else that motivated them but they removed their cattle, along with ours, who at the time were not with theirs. I found the side by side tracts leading up to where my cattle were grazing.

We called the Cattle Inspector and our Lawyer. Within a day all were returned but six. Then another call to the sheriff and lawyer and all was returned but one. This next move was genius, our lawyer informs us that they have called the Cattle Inspector on me for cattle rustling. Seems their are two heifers that have their ear marks and brand on them but also you can see where I have my brand on them. Oh for heaven sakes, are you kidding me. Really? Have they forgotten they branded my calves and the Cattle Inspector came out at shipping time with paperwork for me to rebrand them. Come on, that is when one of the players gave me that famous petty line "Your five looks like a backwards upside down two".

Well now they have the State Lieutenant General Cattle Inspector (the head honcho) involved. He sends out a statement that because of how old our leases are I can run my brand anywhere on the ranch that I would like, even with their (which lets not forget) are my cattle also.

Seems they keep making moves that only work in my favor, they kick me off the ranch and I gain a little piece to graze myself, they try to falsely accuse me of cattle rustling and I gain the whole ranch to range on.

One thing that still boggles my mind is when I go to retrieve my cattle that they return there is five piles of hay that have been munched down. Why did they have to bring hay into the best pasture on the range. Hum, that one has got me boondoggled.

Oh to update you they still can't find two of my heifers. One has been missing since the first time they took all mine and the other is one of the heifers they took the second time because they thought I had cattle rustled it. This is after three days of riding. Needless money and time away from work for riders to come up and clean up this mess. Money that I am partnership in. Boy what a waste of funds.I need my babies back home. I miss their sweet loving faces.

It just hit me, this is not a game of chess. One team can't be on the offensive and one on the defensive all the time. This is a game of Dodgeball/Red Rover Red Rover.
One teams only objective is to stay on offense by throwing the ball at their opponents while the other team dodges what is thrown while advancing forward.
I don't believe this game is worth marketing, believe me it is not fun to play.

Maybe when it is over we can play "Family". Wait, no, I forgot that game has no rules.