Faith to Move Mountains

Prayer is a mighty thing. To think about it, all it is, is words or even at times thoughts directed to the Lord.
What I have learned is that prayer has to be felt from the heart and not framed in the brain.
I would spend time trying to think of what "I" needed. I would petition the Lord for relief in one form or another. But yet the only relief I got was comfort. With that comfort I did feel my Lord's love for me. But the cause of my prayers were for the abuse, bulling and betrayals to stop. With each of those I found it harder to love, live, or trust.
At first I would pray that those that were hurting me would stop, then I learned from my Bishop that to have that prayer answered the Lord would have to take away their agency to act for themselves and the Lord can not do that or our existence would be for not. We would only be heavens puppets for mere play.
Then I prayed that their hearts would be softened but it only seemed to harden them more.
Then I prayed I could endure but it wasn't all exclusive. I had to pray for endurance for each and every blow.
As you can see in the history of my prays I wanted a fix and I wanted it now. I wanted all this behind me. I needed my heart to wake each day no matter what was to come and just step around it to keep going. But I wasn't afforded that.
I gave up praying for a while. It seemed to harden me and not help. Then I started again just because I needed the comfort it gave me. I got to the point of just asking to accept what the day was to bring. No more pleadings for relief. When I asked for relief and it didn't come it only let Satan push me down farther on the totem pole so I prayed to accept, not to understand why but to just accept.
I had exhausted all hope in previous prayers. As hope started to slip away it would, in a last ditch effort reach out to my faith and drag it down with it. By accepting what was happening around me,it gave me all I needed.
I accepted that I can't change what was happening or why it was. I could only accept that it did happen, that left hope in life and restored my faith.
I never gave up reading scripture. The ones bound in the holy books or the ones from modern prophets. I latch onto Job and all that was written about him. He became my mentor and friend. Job held my hand while reading about him and it always lead me back to reading about Christ and His life of trials, betrayal, being despised and judged.
The most powerful prayer was just recently, as I knelt I asked the Lord to "remove this mountain". I said no more than that. My heart was heavy because I was having dreams about Tom's pending court sentencing. My dreams left me with anxiety. I had read about the Lord admonishing His apostles that if they had faith they could say to the mountain be moved and it would. I felt what I was going to be asked to accept was a mountain, so I asked that it be moved.
I went to court for the sentencing. I asked the judge if Tom and I could be together always and not just supervised. My son Jesse went to speak positively in behalf of Tom as we knew Billy was there for the opposite. Billy chose to not speak but wrote the court instead. I don't know what he said but as the judge spoke to us after we all had our time I could hear the earth shake as the "mountain moved" and the judge changed the sentencing lighter than what we were expecting.
A day later I received in the mail the pre sentencing notification from the court that should of came days before the court date. The hand of the Lord was revealed to me receiving this late, if I had had time to read one of the letters from a cousin in it I don't know if I could of kept my composure before the judge.
The words that are edged upon my mind are overwhelming and heart breaking. This "Interested Party" made statements to the prosecuting attorney that Tom's demeanor has gone down in the last three to four years. And that Tom becomes filled with rage and claim he is receiving revelation from God.
He couldn't believe the defendant received a Class 6 Felony and not the Class 3  Dangerous Felony.
This person who calls himself a lifelong family friend (not family member) believes incarceration is the only way to get the defendants attention.
I calmly sit here and think, yes it has been three to four years, not that demeanor has gone down but abuse by others has picked up against me. Yes many prayers have been said by Tom in my behalf. Yes he did receive revelation from God. Yes at times he was enraged that people we trusted and love could treat me or us this way. And to speak about the incarceration only does him good not Tom.
We were truly blessed that day. A mountain moved. Prayers were answered. And it is easy to "accept" that day.
Prayer can bring peace. When all hope is gone and you sit on the edge of your life wondering how to convey the desires of your heart to the Lord just pause and say "Move this mountain".

Matthew 17:20 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

Or

 Ether 12:29 And I, Moroni, having heard these words, was comforted, and said: O Lord, thy righteous will be done, for I know that thou workest unto the children of men according to their faith;

 30 For the brother of Jared said unto the mountain Zerin, Remove—and it was removed. And if he had not had faith it would not have moved; wherefore thou workest after men have faith.

Dreams and Last Words

Dreams

My dream that I woke to Sunday morning;
I lived in a house that was in a desert area. The yards are shaded with cottonwoods and the grass is lush. It was like a mirage. The house was big. Mansion like. People I know well and others that I hardly know would stop by and spend the night. Almost everyone would pitch tents and sleep in the yards.
One night a couple that I was in a ward with years earlier stopped in. They were going to renew their wedding vows.
It got late and they still hadn't performed them so I went to bed. My room I picked was in the attic. The walls were unfinished. It was just rafters. My bed was a mattress on the floor pushed next the low part of the eves. There was a small bathroom but no walls surrounded it. It was open with no privacy. Yet the house was well furnished.
When I got to my room there was my friend. She was in my bed. I laid next to her then decided I would just let her have it to herself. I went back into the yard, where her husband was making a political video to send to Hillary Clinton. It was not in support for her.
I have no idea where I slept but early in the morning I woke to go to the bathroom. I went into the one on the main floor but decided against it because of all the company. I went to my room and sat on the potty when I realized that my friend was still in my bed and I sat all exposed to her.

That's it. Weird, I know. But by mid Sunday morning I had it figured out.
My yard and house were big, they are my world. Large and beautiful. They represent how I love the outdoors and most people associate me with the outdoors.
But yet with all this vast world around me I picked the most unlikely place to call my own. I pretty much slept on the floor and had no privacy.
People loved sharing my world but as of late I have moved into my small, plain room with what feels like no privacy.
I had recently stop facebooking because my happiness I felt was being used against me. That is why I felt my world getting smaller and my room so unadorned as I hadn't post any pictures of the joy I find.

My Monday morning dream;
I had been knitting. I had finally figured out the instructions of my next stitches. I was so excited to do them but I was in line somewhere and it was almost my turn at the counter. My sister Patti was with me. She wasn't in line so I asked her to hold my knitting.  As the man in front of me started to move away from the counter Patti came back with my knitting. She showed me how she cut out the hard part. She wasn't excited like she truly helped me but knew she had been destroying what I enjoyed and was excited about.

As I thought on this one it was a warning that family members were still trying to destroy what I love and cherish.
I had been told by my bishop that it is important to work on my relationship with Tom and let others to fall to the weigh side. Not to do harm to them but to let time heal them, and maybe be complete once again in the future.
I had Saturday found some instructions that taught me to put a thumb hole in a mitten and I was so excited to see how it finishes up, that is what my dream about knitting reference too.

As I sit here alone in the lobby before Tom's court sentencing I see family members attending. I believe that is my dream foretelling of them coming. As they did not approach me the reason they came was to "cut up my knitting".

Last Words


It's funny how when things are said and they just don't click, then they are brushed aside because other things being said need addressing or seemed more important at the time.

This conversation happened December  18, 2014. It was the last real conversation I have had with this person. Before this date he was my "go to guy" when I came up against anything that needed advice or direction on.

Lots of things where addressed in that phone call. The two things that have been on my mind as of late are these; "It will be hard ranching without Tom and Ginny.", also said "Well maybe to resolve this we should split the ranch in thirds.".
To which I answered, "Then you get to ranch with my brother."
These show me that it was long decided that it was not to be reconciled in anyway. That they would never speak to me.
At his suggestion I took a third and left him with my brother. I don't know if it is the third missing or working with my brother that is so upsetting to him.

Now to be serious. Through my recent dreams I have had the last two days I see warnings of what today was to come. It helped me to not be in shock, hurt, or confused as I witnessed what was happening before my eyes. And by replaying that last conversation in my mind once again I have been blessed to see the hand of the Lord and how much He truly loves me.
How all this hurt may not be over or even if it will ever be.  But to learn that it is not my will but he Lords will that will be done.
That is a humbling thought that He loves me enough to ease my pain through dreams and conversations replayed in my mind to bring healing instead of waiting for resolve.
This has been a long hard road and many times I felt forsaken by the Lord but through growth I can see I have only been forsaken by those around me.
The Lord sends me comfort. It may be through dreams and thoughts but none the less it gives me peace as my world gets smaller and smaller.

Tom's court date has been moved because his lawyers wheel chair was malfunctioning. I see this as a small blessing. Even though it adds more time on, it gives me comfort that I have a few days to prepare my heart for the worst.

Prayers of healing, understanding, and comfort are needed. Please.

Bury Me In My Boots

Bury me in my boots
Down deep within my grave
They witnessed what life took
And testify to what it gave

Bury me in my boots
In the darkness of the ground
Of all the trails and trials
No more to make a sound

Bury me in my boots
When I lay beneath the earth
They had no choice in the choices
And never once judged me of my worth

Bury me in my boots
They had endured thick and thin
While witnessing the glory of God
And skirting around a life of sin

Bury me in my boots
Don't walk a mile with them on
You'll still not understand the why
Just walk beside me before I am gone

Bury me in my boots
Dusty and worn as they may be
They served and never faltered
In my heart they belong with me

Bury me in my boots
I will wear them to heavens door
In sincere prayer of how I lived
May my boots be cleansed and pure

Bury me in my boots
When death has won the last battle
Brand my pine box and lower it down
Near the Grama grass and grazing cattle

One morning I put on my boots and looked down, with unspoken words conveyed to my boots that we are in this together. I would try as I might to lead them down trails. Dusty maybe, hot, cold most definitely, but I would make a promise to not purposely step into another trial.
My boots know where I have been, why I been there and most importantly what being I am.
I took a photograph and told them when I die I want the reassurance that they would come with me. They hold my accomplishments, my fears, my story.
A story at times that feels more like fiction than a truth. A life with such joys I can't contain myself and times that I live in such confusion that my boots sit in a corner until I can face another day.
The love of God, respect for creatures and judgements of man. These three things  consume me. It used to be, judgements of God, love of creatures and respect for man. But man started to unrighteously judge me, I learned about the love of God and true respect for His creations.
Bury me with my boots on. Became my song or psalms of late. They say we may not be able to fully judge until we walk in someone else's shoes. Then again can we? That one short mile is not an accumulation of a life time. We should walk away from judging and be willing to walk with each other. That is a simple thought in this complex life.
We all must die but first we all must live. We will all get dirty but we need to become pure.
For now I will walk in my own boots. Take my joys and my defeats. And look forward to seeing my Lord and savior in this life or the one to come.

Bury me in my boots
Or I will come from beyond the veil
I will find who denied my wish
And make their life a living hell

It Will Only Leave You Hanging

Peter answered and said unto him, "Though all men shall be offended because of thee, yet will I never be offended".

Jesus said unto him, "Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice".

Peter said unto him, "Though I should die with thee, yet will I not deny thee.” (Matt. 26:31, 33–36.)

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1979/04/and-peter-went-out-and-wept-bitterly?lang=eng

Jesus became deeply “troubled in spirit.” As they ate, the Savior testified, “Behold, the hand of him that betrayeth me is with me on the table.” (Luke 22:21; see Matt. 26:21.)

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1990/04/passover-promises-fulfilled-in-the-last-supper?lang=eng

The Lord truly knew these men. He knows us. What we are capable of and what our weaknesses are.

I have been drawn back to thoughts of being true to ones self. Like the examples above the outcome is always the same when we betray ourself we have nothing but sorrow.

I have always enjoyed President McKay's story about finding the stone with the engraving "What e're thou art, act well thy part".

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ykfMvoHu6xA

If there is nothing we can take with us beyond the veil but our thoughts and acts then it is right to be true to ones self.

As I reflect on two different occasion I feel akin to Judas. I have been offered money and position if I would denounce and remove postings from my Facebook page.

It is such a simple request. Heck no one would even notice. These post are old. Who would even notice if they were gone. Who even notices they are still there.

Only me I guess. I would know. Because I would have to find them and remove them.
And the world would be mine.

But what of the world beyond this. Would it have a bearing on it? That is something to ponder.

The posts are truth. And there are times truth hurts. But we are taught to be kind. We are also taught to be truthful.

It is a fine line that we walk daily between being right and righteous.

I read one author that stated Peter never denied Christ only his association with Him. On any account the scriptures said he wept bitterly.

Then there is Judas. Another author put forth the idea that Judas got the exact amount that was owed in taxes and maybe just maybe if he gave the conspiring bunch the Christ and collected the money then paid the authorities Christ could be left alone. We will never know but what we read is he hung himself.

No matter our motives or how slightly we are involved, if we deceive or betray ourselves we live with it.

I believe compromise is a wonderful thing. It shows a willingness to consider others. An open mind and heart to others view and feelings. A give from both sides to say I respect you enough to meet in the middle. But to compromise yourself, values, morals or honesty only states you think nothing of yourself and seek praise or kindness from others.

I reflect on why I post the truth. Most times it is because I see a wrong. Or bullying. I think bullies should be challenged. Be it school yard, family, social group or government. When we don't push back they feel justified and others tend to believe by default the victim must of been in the wrong.
I could just digest what is happening around me. Like they say "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time". We can just bite, chew, swallow and digest. Now we have internalized this thing. It becomes a part of us. Hidden from sight. Is that truth? Hidden? Or we can "talk about the elephant in the room". Give opinions, thoughts, direction, truth.

I believe the only way to fight an untruth is with truth. But more than that the Lord knows I am that way. In my patriarchal blessing it states I have a "love for truth and righteousness". I have a drive for both. I look for and seek out answers to all "elephants" that cross my path.

I believe if you can be bought, it will only leave you hanging.

Wrinkles

I was talking to a friend the other day about how overwhelming it must be for the Lord to iron out all these wrinkles that we press into our lives.

Wrinkles to me are when we act or are acted upon with out understanding the intent or reason of the other person.

Down right sins or corruption are more like pleats in the fabric. Pleats, I believe, the Lord expects us to do our part to work out the hard pressed creases in the fabric. As we make amends or retribution soon we are left with a wrinkle that the Lord can work with.

This week I was noticing how at my "New to Me" house the blessed winter rains have really got the weeds active. I spent a day spraying them and another digging them.  Then the mouth dropping sight of looking out back into the alley at the weeds and grass.

I spent a few days contemplating what I could do about them. Then it hit me. I have little lawn mowers that I could haul over here and they would enjoy the fresh greens and I could help out all my neighbors by attending to their weeds also.

So I went and loaded up five. These little ones never bawl out. They are quite and gentle. Small but can eat down a field fast. I figured they would have it gone in two days.

I let them out in the alley and put up a sign on each gate with a phone number to contact about the calves.

After a couple of hours I got my first call. A neighbor down in what I call the other half of the "I" . See my alley runs east and west but in the middle it runs north and south like a "T" but at the other end it runs east and west again so it looks like a capital I. Anyway she was so excited to have all the weeds gone. She told me how she does take care of her area but not every one does. We talked about how the city owns the alleys but we are to maintain them for trash and fire hazards.

When she explained where she lived I had notice that she had already mowed her part. I also remembered she is one if the many gardeners in the area, so like me, I don't want these weeds to go to seed.

My heart was in the right place. But the next call I got was from animal control. Dad gum. Seems I am trespassing and I need to move my babies. I go and get my trailer and by the time I get there she has an police officer there also. She is hot under the collar but the cop is as cool as a cucumber.

These two are perfect example of wrinkles. She could see nothing but my blatant disregard for the law. Seems while I got nothing but positive feed back from neighbors (as I loaded them to leave a few more neighbors introduced themselves and said this was a great idea) she got one call from the one who didn't like my good intentions. She wanted nothing to do with me. She treated me as a common thief for running cattle on city property.
But the police officer wanted to know why I did this unlawful act. He was very interested in my motives. He listened, interjected, and understood my intentions. He told me that he had been on plenty of calls but I win for the weirdest one so far.
As he left he said he wasn't going to give me a ticket but when he turned in his report his commander may say otherwise. So to me another wrinkle may appear. There is a third person who may have to "press" this matter when they haven't heard my side.

Heard my side.
That is where my anxiety for the Lords mercy and grace comes into play.
The animal control officer had preconceived notion to my disobedience. She heard me but didn't care to listen.
The police officer had heard her side first but listened to my side and found that I wasn't a thief but just a neighbor and cow lover.
I made a unwise choice. It was an unselfish choice. I was thinking of my neighbors and of course my cattle.

What starts out as a wrinkle. A misunderstanding. Can turn into a pleat when we decide to not see from another's point of view. We don't have to agree with them to be able to see from their angle. We just need to understand their intentions and feelings. Or worse if we don't even let them speak. We have decided on our own why they did it and we don't have time or the energy to invest in their intentions.

The officer said if he returns to give me a ticket I will have to go before a judge.
Yes I understand that fully.
I feel a wrinkle that has been happening for years has turned into a pleat and this pleat is going before a judge. I have only asked to be heard. To understand my intentions. Not agreed with them. Only mediate a wrinkle.
I am excited to have this pleat examined. Because I truly believe as the pleat is worked on we can reverse our personal side back to a wrinkle even though the other party might still be left holding a pleat if they don't open their heart to what is said.

My prayer for myself is that I see all my wrinkles, reverse all my pleats, and receive the warming of the Lord's Grace and Mercy.

Two verses from the song we sang today in Relief Society

     Redeemer Of Israel

How long we have wandered
As strangers in sin
And cried in the desert for thee!
Our foes have rejoiced
When our sorrows they’ve seen,
But Israel will shortly be free.


Restore, my dear Savior,
The light of thy face;
Thy soul-cheering comfort impart;
And let the sweet longing
For thy holy place
Bring hope to my desolate heart.

Blessing From Trials

A sudden and unexpected calm has settled on me. I have felt this before. It was just as my mother moved in with me as she prepared to go beyond the veil. Before that I was still kicking against the pricks. I had had my quad accident that left a very active person feeling as though I had turned into a three legged turtle. I could still get around but I was constantly trying to figure out how to do all I had been doing with a jacked up wrist.
About a week after she arrived I was quietly cleaning around the house as she napped. A great calm came over me. My turmoil was of course the unexpected expected outcome of why my mom now lived with me. Could I handle this? I knew I could for her but....
Then there was the missing my cattle. I didn't dwell on them much.  I just knew I was missing calving and all the proud mommas showing off their babies.
The calm was realizing that if it wasn't for the accident I would of still been employed and it would of been a lot harder to be available for my mother. But durning my recovery I had been pretty much replaced at work so I wasn't needed as much.
A blessing.

I have been sulking and we all know it. My old ranch partners are less than nice and I had pretty much gotten to the point of not interacting with them. Oh I missed the big herd but I have my cute little one now. Life was good on a smaller scale and that is good.
I had to pull on my big rancher girl pants and interact with them one more time. I had to go retrieve my two cows and calves.
Over a two day period that amounted to about four hours I was told I wasn't worth listening to, I need to leave and served notice that I no longer could come on family property. That is fine and dandy I expect to be bullied by my brother and his two minions but what really shows is their pettiness.
I was having a private conversation with the cattle inspector while getting my paperwork in order to take my cows and calves when he asked me "Ginny how long have you had this brand and how did you come by it?"
It was mainly small talk because they had just treated me rough in front of him and he wanted to get me away from them.
In the middle of explaining how I came by it Don walked up and said "K5 huh. Your 5 looks like a upside down backwards 2.
My calm came this week when it was reviled to me how really petty they are. I don't need it. No one does. I have a small herd and big happiness. The Lord has assured me one day I will have a big herd again that I can share with the family once more. I answer to my new partners who aren't competitive or petty but encourage me to share my heritage.
I don't kick around with the pricks anymore.
Blessing

This is one of the most resent examples of pettiness. There has been plenty I just over look others short comings to easily. I am learning the difference between short comings and down right meanness.

I am so thankful to the Lord. I have learned so much throughout what I thought were trials. When in reality I was pushed away from those I love through betrayal and accusations. Only to rise in time being blessed. It is so calming to not fear being with those you love. I believe forgiveness is the most rewarding feeling I have ever experienced.

The greatest lesson you can learn is to walk away from those you fear or give you grief. No matter who it is. It only weakens you. You can't please them without selling a bit of yourself.

I have no desire to work along side of them. I am no longer working on the resolve. I tried for so long to be heard. To understand misunderstandings. But I have learned there is no understanding without trust or respect.

When Even a Sparrow Falls

Have I ever told you the story ... wait I mean the tale of when I went before the judge to see if Tom and I could be together or at the least meet together with our Bishop (clergy)?

I learned while in Utah that I could ask a judge to let Tom and I meet together or under supervision be together. So there was a date set and I came down from Utah to see a judge.

I entered the court room early and was told that there were other's to be seen so it might be quite a while.  I was fine and settled in for whatever it would take.

Soon the Judge came in and we all stood for her as she took her seat. The court proceeded in this manner. There was a little chit chat between the judge and the clerk. Then the first plaintiff's name was called out. A door in the front of the courtroom and to my left opened. In walked a young black man what looked like between the age of twenty seven to thirty. He wore the orange jump suit of uncle Joe's and some of Joe's finer jewelry around both wrist (handcuffs). He approached the small stand with the mic and his lawyer met him there.

The judge asked him to state his name and birthdate. He did. Then she asked him "Do you understand that you have charges against you of accosting children on the playgrounds?"
"Yes judge." Came the reply
"Is it true that you have been diagnosed depressant?" Asked the judge
"Yes judge." He answered
"Do you take medication?" She asked
"No judge. I have none." He said
" Are you homeless?" She asked
"Yes judge." He answered
"If I release you will you take your medication and come back to court in two weeks?" She asked
"Yes judge." He said
"Bailiff take him to be released." The judge said.

Once again a name is called and the same door opens and in walks a white man in his late forties to early fifties same jumpsuit and handcuffs.
He was asked to state his name and birthdate.
The judge asked "Do you understand that you have been accused of being drunk and beating the handicap while you are on public transportation?"
"Yes judge. His wheelchair was in my way so I knocked him down." He stated
"Have you been diagnosed depressant?" The judge asked
"Yes." He answered
"Will you take your medication and stay sober?" She asked
"No." he said
Then his lawyer elbowed him and whispered to him to tell the judge yes. As the mic picked up their hushed voices.
The plaintiff quickly answered "Yes judge."
"Are you homeless?" She asked
"Yes judge." He said
"If I release you will you take your medication and come to court in two weeks?" She asked
"Yes judge." He answered.
He was escorted out.

Then I hear the judge say Thomas Blaine Baker. My brain immediately believes this won't be difficult. She seems quiet lenient.
Tom has to state his name and birthdate then his lawyer gives the reason I have come today.

Then I am called up. I stand there thinking I will be asked a series of questions but we all remain in silence. I then speak up and ask if we can be together to see our clergy for counseling. The judge turns to the prosecuting attorney and asks if there is anything she would like to add.
The prosecuting attorney says "We have no problem them going to see their clergy together."
The judge says "Denied at this time."

I left but Tom's lawyer, I heard tried to reason with the judge since the prosecuting attorney said it would be fine. But I guess his request fell on deaf ears also.

Next time I am going in homeless, depressed with no medication and known to be violent to children and handicapped. Then receive the sympathy as I plead my desires.

That is my tale. I don't understand why it is this way. I believe with all my heart if judges has to explain their judgements instead of just ruling our system might be improved.

When we stop to state our reasons it gives us reason. We have had to put our gut feelings or heart in context.

But that is just me thinking out loud.

“Be assured that there is a safe harbor. You can find peace amidst the storms that threaten you. Your Heavenly Father—who knows when even a sparrow falls—knows of your heartache and suffering. He loves you and wants the best for you. Never doubt this. While He allows all of us to make choices that may not always be for our own or even others’ well-being, and while He does not always intervene in the course of events, He has promised the faithful peace even in their trials and tribulations.”

—Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Finding a Safe Harbor,” Ensign, May 2000,