My dream that I woke to Sunday morning;
I lived in a house that was in a desert area. The yards are shaded with cottonwoods and the grass is lush. It was like a mirage. The house was big. Mansion like. People I know well and others that I hardly know would stop by and spend the night. Almost everyone would pitch tents and sleep in the yards.
One night a couple that I was in a ward with years earlier stopped in. They were going to renew their wedding vows.
It got late and they still hadn't performed them so I went to bed. My room I picked was in the attic. The walls were unfinished. It was just rafters. My bed was a mattress on the floor pushed next the low part of the eves. There was a small bathroom but no walls surrounded it. It was open with no privacy. Yet the house was well furnished.
When I got to my room there was my friend. She was in my bed. I laid next to her then decided I would just let her have it to herself. I went back into the yard, where her husband was making a political video to send to Hillary Clinton. It was not in support for her.
I have no idea where I slept but early in the morning I woke to go to the bathroom. I went into the one on the main floor but decided against it because of all the company. I went to my room and sat on the potty when I realized that my friend was still in my bed and I sat all exposed to her.
That's it. Weird, I know. But by mid Sunday morning I had it figured out.
My yard and house were big, they are my world. Large and beautiful. They represent how I love the outdoors and most people associate me with the outdoors.
But yet with all this vast world around me I picked the most unlikely place to call my own. I pretty much slept on the floor and had no privacy.
People loved sharing my world but as of late I have moved into my small, plain room with what feels like no privacy.
I had recently stop facebooking because my happiness I felt was being used against me. That is why I felt my world getting smaller and my room so unadorned as I hadn't post any pictures of the joy I find.
My Monday morning dream;
I had been knitting. I had finally figured out the instructions of my next stitches. I was so excited to do them but I was in line somewhere and it was almost my turn at the counter. My sister Patti was with me. She wasn't in line so I asked her to hold my knitting. As the man in front of me started to move away from the counter Patti came back with my knitting. She showed me how she cut out the hard part. She wasn't excited like she truly helped me but knew she had been destroying what I enjoyed and was excited about.
As I thought on this one it was a warning that family members were still trying to destroy what I love and cherish.
I had been told by my bishop that it is important to work on my relationship with Tom and let others to fall to the weigh side. Not to do harm to them but to let time heal them, and maybe be complete once again in the future.
I had Saturday found some instructions that taught me to put a thumb hole in a mitten and I was so excited to see how it finishes up, that is what my dream about knitting reference too.
As I sit here alone in the lobby before Tom's court sentencing I see family members attending. I believe that is my dream foretelling of them coming. As they did not approach me the reason they came was to "cut up my knitting".
Last Words
It's funny how when things are said and they just don't click, then they are brushed aside because other things being said need addressing or seemed more important at the time.
This conversation happened December 18, 2014. It was the last real conversation I have had with this person. Before this date he was my "go to guy" when I came up against anything that needed advice or direction on.
Lots of things where addressed in that phone call. The two things that have been on my mind as of late are these; "It will be hard ranching without Tom and Ginny.", also said "Well maybe to resolve this we should split the ranch in thirds.".
To which I answered, "Then you get to ranch with my brother."
These show me that it was long decided that it was not to be reconciled in anyway. That they would never speak to me.
At his suggestion I took a third and left him with my brother. I don't know if it is the third missing or working with my brother that is so upsetting to him.
Now to be serious. Through my recent dreams I have had the last two days I see warnings of what today was to come. It helped me to not be in shock, hurt, or confused as I witnessed what was happening before my eyes. And by replaying that last conversation in my mind once again I have been blessed to see the hand of the Lord and how much He truly loves me.
How all this hurt may not be over or even if it will ever be. But to learn that it is not my will but he Lords will that will be done.
That is a humbling thought that He loves me enough to ease my pain through dreams and conversations replayed in my mind to bring healing instead of waiting for resolve.
This has been a long hard road and many times I felt forsaken by the Lord but through growth I can see I have only been forsaken by those around me.
The Lord sends me comfort. It may be through dreams and thoughts but none the less it gives me peace as my world gets smaller and smaller.
Tom's court date has been moved because his lawyers wheel chair was malfunctioning. I see this as a small blessing. Even though it adds more time on, it gives me comfort that I have a few days to prepare my heart for the worst.
Prayers of healing, understanding, and comfort are needed. Please.
10 comments:
I usually avoid postinh publicly our problems or even to defend ourselves. I hate it even. But since we don't feel we can email you with out someone monitoring...
You always push for hearing both sides of the story with out first judging.
So, we were there today to hear the sentencing and show the judge that it's important to us that Tom gets help. That's it. Not to be malicious. You can ask the prosecutor if you would like. He asked Billy if he would like to go before the judge and leave a statement and Billy said no.
Second, Billy was walking over to sit by you and hopefully talk about things, when Tom's lawyer came over to you. So Billy walked away so you two could speak. Then Tom came over to you and his Lawyer so we just decided to go wait inside.
You point out that we didn't approach you, but it works both ways. You could have approached us. The difference is, we tried and you didn't.
Hannah the last I heard from you was "Have a good life." Yes I didn't come see you because our last emails were vile threats against Tom. If you had a change of heart I had no idea and no heart to find out.I have spoke to Toms therapist, he found nothing wrong with him. He has found lots wrong with me but I am scared to go any farther alone. The only help we all need is to heal. The court system offers no help. I have been through it. We need to get out of the system as soon as posiable. And for monitoring my emails. I have said that unless you contact Tom don't contact me. I am not letting people pull us apart. There is no restraining order on you. We have offered to meet you at counseling. We I'll pay for it. All of us need to go to family counseling. I am glad you spoke up. Thank you.
Ginny I was hoping for this to have ended. Continued prayers for you Tom and your family. Love you.
Ginny I was hoping for this to have ended. Continued prayers for you Tom and your family. Love you.
I didn't tell you have a nice life. That was Billy because he was getting frustrated that his emails to you were going no where. Which was really to Tom because that's who the first few emails were from. I've reached out to you multiple times with no reply. I can't be sure if you ever saw them or if someone intervened. If Tom's therapist found nothing wrong with him than Tom isn't being completely honest with him. You yourself have said Tom needs serious help. If you want me to attend a counseling session then ask me when I can do it. You haven't made any effort to reach out to me. It was mentioned awhile back but it was right after Tom had said some hurtful things about me and I wasn't ready to see him.
I don't know who puts it in your head that we are trying to pull you two apart. Well I do know, and so do you. We have never tried to pull you apart. Never. Nor would we. There's issues that need to be fixed and until they are, we can't have Tom in our life. If that makes you uncomfortable and you wish not to have contact with us then that is your decision and there's nothing we can do. It's really only hurting the kids. And I won't allow that to put pressure on us to mend things because it won't happen until Tom gets help and apologizes.
You made the dsission not me. I have been told by many of people that I can come around but not Tom. Your not the first to say that. But to put this on me as my choice is sideways.
If you think the kids are hurting let me introduce you to someone that lost her parents, siblings, most of her children and most of her grandchildren.
if the only one that stands with me is the one no one else will stand with, then so be it.
I love how over and over again I am told by family members that I can't or don't think for myself. All emails addressed to me were answered by me. If they weren't answered then I felt they didn't need answering.
Yes you reached out to me. But they came with stipulations that I didn't feel comfortable with.
I will not be divided. I am not picking who I will love and who I will not. I am picking who I will not leave out. If Tom can't be in your life until you are satisfied then so be it. From where I stand I believe those stipulations go both ways. I have said from the beginning none of us are innocent. We are human and all make mistakes. But I am used to people being high and mighty. Ever met my brother.
Tell me what email I sent in the last 6 months that came with stipulations? They have been about how much the kids miss you and how I hope they can see you soon. Wishing you a happy birthday, a Merry Christmas and thanks for the gifts, telling you the kids haven't stopped talking about you and asking when they could see you guys after they saw you and Tom. To say that my emails came with stipulations is a complete lie and infuriating. I have said over and over that I'm open to working on things. I emailed both of you in January saying I wanted to do counseling and you left me hanging for weeks. I felt like I was trying and trying and nothing was coming of it. No, Tom will not be in our life until we see change. Until apologies are made. Until we all get serious help. Yes, my kids are freaking hurting. You're hurting. So is everyone else in this family. I didn't say I did nothing wrong, that Billy did nothing wrong. Lots of mistakes were made. But no one is doing anything to fix those mistakes. Instead more mistakes are being made and pushing people further away.
You know as well as me counseling as a family can't come until all this is over. And yet you were there today to see that Tom gets help. I didn't think you want to go with just Tom do you. Then be patient. Until the state lets us alone we can't heal. Having the state step in more wont do.
You may of not written a stipulation but you know I was welcome but not Tom. I pray you will never know the hurt that comes when people that profess to love you but tell you to come alone.
I love those babies. But I love my covenants to the Lord more.
Sorry. That hurts to even say that because it sounds like a good bye. But it is not. It is a plea to believe in me. To wait until we can be together again. To heal. To learn. To witness how we all feel through each other's eyes.
Ginny- you assume too much. Had you and Tom reached out to me and asked to see the kids, I would have taken them to see you guys. In my emails I always said the kids miss you guys, they want to see you guys. I would have taken them by myself to see you guys. No, not after Tom belittled me on social media. He spent so much time tearing me down that I had no desire to see him. Like I told Tom- if he would have reached out to me to see the kids instead of name calling and pointing fingers, I would have been 100% open to it. I'm not a bad person. I'm easy to forgive. But you better believe I'm going to defend myself when things are being said about us that aren't true. And ya I'm going to get angry. But make an effort. That's all I've ever asked. I just would have liked to have some acknowledgment that my efforts meant something to you. Instead you ignored me. Over and over again. Worse, you ignored my kids. They don't deserve that. I don't give a poop if you don't want contact if Tom can't. I'm sorry but that's bull crap. You could have at least said hi. Nothing would ever stop me from telling my grandkids hi and I love them.
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