The Dark Abyss

It's funny what we can stuff into a closet.  Things less used, or what we don't want to deal with so it gets pushed to the back. 
My closet is getting a thorough cleaning. It has been gut retching to reach clear to the back.  As I have made my way into the closet I had to step from the light into a dark abyss.


My closet has gotten deeper and deeper.  My family witnessed my pain as I pushed things to the back and slammed the door shut again and again.


In my closet is sibling abuse, molestations, sexually explicit prank phone calls ( from as early as Jr. high up until I was first married) alcoholism, divorce.
I was a text book example of all these.  I believed it was my fault that these happened.  If I had just stayed away, not answered the phone. If I put it in my closet and walk away it will go away, it will stop.


These were my sins and no one had the right to them.  I put them away.  Far away.


I wondered if the Lord loved me.  I have been haunted with sins for as long as I can remember.  I soon came up with a unreasonable reason. None the less, it made it easier sleep. The thought even gave me comfort.  I reasoned that some of us are "throw away people".  Some people are born to endure most horrible things.  Like babies that are brutally treated, young kids murdered.  We are created for sin to be continued.  So that not all have to taste of the wickedness the world has to offer.
I now know it is false, but for most of my life it  kept my closet door closed.  It kept one foot in front of the other each morning.


I kept my world small.  I stayed near my closet.  My parents finally made me go to college.  It was a two year battle for them.  I had graduated from High School and after two years they told me I had to go.
I signed up for a math class and a sign language class.  My signing class was a joy.  Then one day we had to individually sign a song in front of the class.  I couldn't do it.  I was too scared.  After class the teacher pulled me aside and asked it I had been abused. 
She saw into my closet.  How dare her.  What am I thinking being so far from my closet. 
I never went back to school.
If you know me I love to learn.  In the evenings you will hear Tom say "are you ever going to get off that damn computer?"


I lived my life around my sins that I shoved in that damn closet.


Tom and my kids know what hell I put them through.  I constantly fought with Tom.  Things would arise between my parents or siblings and I.  If I pushed back I was afraid my sins would be exposed.  I feared heaven forbid that people would see what I really am. 


It is a joke that I am the weird one in the family.  We all know someone has to be.  Every family has one.  Face it.  It might just be you, only your family knows.
Anyway.  I can live with weird.  I was afraid if the whole truth came out I would be shunned, like I have cooties or something.  I wouldn't be trusted because I had so much sin I hid for so long.


The ranch gave me the freedom I had longed for.  I had a safe world.  A world.  I had something to study, learn, love. 
Then the accusations started.  They were connected to someone in my closet.  Oh hell.  My closet came alive.  It reminded me that all they said had to be true.  It had to be my fault.  I let some out so I pushed against the door to not let my bad sins out.


I was so alone.  Tom knew some of the sins levied against me.  He wanted me to push back.  Throw the door open and air it out.  I couldn't.  I called my bishop and asked him to remove my name off the records of the church.  I was not going to let my sins out.  I am a bad person for letting people sin against me.  And now we are both going to hell.
My good bishop has tried to help.  His help sounded so much like Toms so I ignored it.


I now open my closet,  I now dig to the back,  I now stand before you fully knowing those are not my sins.  Those are sins against me.  I did not participate.  I don't have cooties.  I am not a ugly monster.  I am a good honest person.  I have trials.  My only sin is how I act or react to those trials.


I am sorry that I called the other ranch people and told them I hate them with every fiber of my being.  I am truly sorry.  I don't hate them at all.  I hate their accusations because my closet got too full and burst open.


I know I stand here before you only because of the prayers that were said in my behalf.  That is the only possible way the hinges on my closet weakened and fell.  I had that door locked tight.  My hand was on the handle at all times to make sure it was in check.


I want to publicly thank all those that prayed for me.  I do know now the truth will set you free.  I also see I have a long road of not trying to blame myself for everything.  To stop judging myself by what others say to me or about me.


I am far from perfect.  I am no therapist. But if there is anyone with a closet, I am here.  I can help you take baby steps.


I am so ready to go to school.  I am so ready to learn.  It may start out as online classes but it is a start. Hopefully the Lord hasn't given up on me, but hopefully Satan will.


I know how it is to be in hell.  My question is how long is the stair case to climb out?

Birds Of A Feather Flock Together

I have been in a slump for quiet a few days.  Thursday I was numb. I piddle around the house.  Hum Ho.
Tom called and asked if I wanted to do a parts run with him.  Might as well.  Not much happening here. 
I rode around not saying much.  Staring out the passenger window.  The wind blew my hair in my face, eyes, mouth, I just didn't care.
The end of last week I felt calm so I emailed some of the ranch rangers to see if the heat had died down.  Just trying to see if time had made it possible to get through this ugliness.  Well, one responded back with some heat.  Another responded back with some vile.  The last one wanted time to think about his answers.  Later in the day I emailed the last one " never mind its not worth it".


The words in the emails were harsh.  Bothered me.  As I read the new accusations and added the old ones that have been said to me, I am still at a loss.  They accuse but they won't give the circumstance so I can give my side.  Let alone they have informed me that they won't believe what I say because I lie anyway.


Any who, I had been riding around about five hours, I remember it was a cloudy day.  The wind was moving the palm trees around outside my window.  It was almost like a summer storm brewing.  My thoughts were gray and moving about just like the weather.


Suddenly I felt lifted. Lighter  The sun that was hidden from sight had just penetrated my soul.  I felt a smile cross my face.  I witnessed a beautiful sky of many different colors of storm clouds with many shapes and sizes, a wonderful breeze blew through. The first thought that crossed my mind was, "is this is how it feels if people are praying for you?"  The Lord knows I hadn't done much of anything to change my attitude.  I had tried to read some church talks but they didn't find a friendly branch to flit on.  They beat their wings and left very restless.


Friday I woke with a skip in my step, song in my heart and the ability to do my friendly banter with Tom.  I believe he noticed instantly but he didn't draw any attention to my new attitude.
As I meditated, gardened, sewed, sang with the radio, shopped, became normal, it hit me.


They justify their actions with accusations. 
If they have to sit around like a bunch of old broody hens sitting on a nest of accusations and cackling all day to justify how they treat others then there is nothing I can do about it.


Most people want to ask why did you;


steal from us
lie to us


That's is when I realized.  I am a good person.  I am a honest person.  I am a kind person. 
Just because someone says other wise, doesn't make it true. 

Evil is Never Satisfied

At my dads viewing I was enjoying visiting with all those that came. Family that I hadn't seen for a long time and friends that I hadn't seen for even longer.  It was wonderful. 
The bishop made a small announcement that it was time to close the door as the family was going to have a family prayer and close the casket.  We quickly gave last hugs and said good byes to friends.  I took a seat next to my husband and kids, with one fast look around the room there wasn't enough seats for all those who called themselves family some lined the walls.  Did my heart good.
The bishop thanked all that was there and asked if Guys family could come up before the family prayer to say one last good bye and close the casket.


I stepped forward and had the most powerful feeling of darkness and dread.  I remember putting my forehead on my dads as my shoulders started to shake, I held back a flood, but I released a low whimper.


As we left to head to the chapel for the funeral, I stopped to sign the guest book.  My brother stopped next to me and said "nothing at the ranch is going to change".  I nothing to say.  It left me cold.


This was two years ago this month.  I have been harassed needlessly, senselessly since then.  Not just about the ranch but also my parents trust and how it needs to be distributed and closed.


Plenty has been said to me and about me.  I felt powerless, betrayed, hurt.  My husband and kids kept loving me, insuring me that I was not a bad person, that I was being bullied. 


I couldn't see it.  Families don't do that to each other.  It is a misunderstanding.  We are all hurting and just need time to heal, talk, understand.


It got uglier as time passed. Hurtful, harmful.


I wrote my brother a email on how he has bullied me now and as children he abused me. Lied about me.  Took so many people that I love from me.  His reply "hope you feel better".


I learned he shared it with other family members and they laughed about my true, raw feelings.


I didn't sleep well. Haven't throughout all this, but I got up around 2:30 am.  I did some research on bullying and sibling abuse.  My heart fell.  Who ever wrote these articles described my life, my choices I had made, my most inner thoughts.  How did they know me?  Who are these people? Do see how I see?


That morning we had a small gathering at the mesa cemetery to commemorate an uncle who died in Iwo Jima.  A warm welcome from some cousins. A cold feeling others.


Hours later I found Tom in the front yard, buried my head in is chest crying and said "I am 53 years old and just realized the bullying will never end".


Just previous to this I was laying in bed, Thinking of how many kids have committed suicide from being bullying.  I never could understand why.  Just walk away, just get far from the bully,  Simple,
It's not. The bully is never satisfied.  They need the rush.  It ran through my mind the only option I have is death. 


The dread I felt the day of the funeral was a warning that one of my barriers is gone.  My mom passed within five months and the gates of hell were thrown wide open.


My new trial has began.

That's Why It Is Called A Half Truth

When I was twenty I talked my mom and a good friend into going to one of the "Concerned Christian" meetings. It was at  the Mesa civic center. 

When we walked in, we found seats but there was lots of people standing along the walls. Standing room only puts it about right.

This meetings had been going on for quite a few months. They jumped right into why the Mormons were no good people, and us, the audience need to be told the truth. While they read scriptures to us from the Book Of Mormon to prove the god forsaken thing that were on the pages between the bindings of that book, and the religious cult that it inspires. Within twenty minutes people would stand up in the audience and ask if they could tell their story. Wow, the hate, the enmity.

My mom was so upset, her and my friend left. Me I had the heart of setting a truth straight. 

As they read scriptures again I stood and said loudly "those are lies, can I come up to set this straight?"

Let's say they ignored me. But others were allowed  to go up. Soon some rowdies in the back started to chant "let her come up". Then the crowd got restless. In a flash I was headed up. 

What the crap. It was a sea of strangers and I was completely alone. I got to the mic and asked for their Book of Mormon. I explained that they weren't reading the whole verse. I soon found the page they were on and read the verse before, the verse they they had half read, and the one following.  The atmosphere changed immediately. People walked out. But the sponsors tried to undo what I had done.

As I started for the door a gentleman stopped me and asked me where I had served my mission. He said I bore a powerful testimony. I don't recall what I said. I know I witnessed a change over the crowd. 

There are untruths being said about Tom and I. I have learned that accusations are just that. They are not questions to be answered but untruth believed by some. Put forward by a few. 

ac·cu·sa·tion

ˌakyəˈzāSH(ə)n/

noun

plural noun: accusations

1. a charge or claim that someone has done something illegal or wrong.

   "accusations of bribery"

   synonyms:

   allegation, charge, claim, assertion, imputation;  indictment, arraignment, incrimination, recrimination, inculpation;  suit, lawsuit, impeachment;  informalrap, blame game

   • the action or process of accusing someone.

     "there was accusation in Brian's voice"

     
     

     I am a defender of truth. I can be called passionate. Now Tom can be called a true defender of truth. He can be called a patriot.

     
     

     Steve has spread half truths. Gossip. To the point that my sister questioned my integrity and now my ranch partners. 

     I am not the type to remain quite. You don't lie about the gospel and you don't lie about my family. 

     This is my side. If you feel inclined you can contact me for my side. It is my understanding that some have been contacting Cody for his side. 

     That's why it is called a half truth.

     
     

     
     

THE TEMPLE

I have been thinking about the Temple a lot lately and what it means to me and what I have had to do to go through and to be able to receive my Temple blessings.
Before I decided to commit myself to the lord I had issues I needed to repent of and habits I had to change. I was not going to "fake it" to impress my girl friend or to get my parents blessings or increase my social standing with the church members. I had a lot to work out. It took months and a LOT of ups and downs and temptations. It was not easy.
That's the way I was taught. The temple is such a sacred place that you had to be clean and pure to enter it. No I don't believe I am perfect! My wife reminds me all the time about how imperfect I am! The imperfections I am talking about are those that we need to talk to a church authority about to receive forgiveness.
I have experienced a lot over the years. Being involved with the youth of the church and helping young men prepare for missions. I have seen countless times when people lie to be able to enter the temple. The sad thing about this is that parents, grand parents and church leaders know something is not right but they choose to ignore it! NOT MY SON OR DAUGHTER!!!!! or They are old enough!!!! Do you think the people were old enough when Christ cleansed the temple of his brothers and sisters or sons and daughters??????
I helped and supported a young man to go on a mission but to our surprise he left the MTC on his own accord and found his own way home. When he got home I had a longggggg talk with him and some of the things he told me would make your hair curl. The short of this story is he was so involved with a girl sexually so much so that they had sex before he left for the airport to go to the MTC.
I knew the girl and worked with her father in the Stake Young men's Presidency and when I was trying to help get this young man get ready to go I expressed my concerns to the father but all I got was "Not my Daughter"!
Well needless to say she would have nothing to do with the young man when he came home to face the truth and was not able to serve a mission. He was crushed and to this day wants nothing to do with the church and now his kids don't go to church.
She got married in the Temple six months after the young man came home to a return missionary no less. How does that work??? Lies!!!! Oh and a side note. One of the girls brothers fell away from the church and another is gay. Both return missionaries. common denominator? Parents!
So parents be involved with your kids even after they are married. Counsel them when you feel and know something is wrong. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is basic. Its Black and White! No Gray! If they know you will say something they will feel accountable and will most likely choose the right. Do it lovingly just like our Heavenly Father.
Respect the Temple and "let no unclean thing enter"

Memories of May

In May we found out that two more special packages were coming. Billy's wife Hannah (#4) & our daughter Louise and Lance will be having their first adding to our son Blaine and his wife Kaitie's first. This family is growing and growing more than just cows! Love it.

BEST COUSINS!!!! Carsyn, Averee, Paisley, Nixyn

In May, Cody, Ryan and I met at the ranch to gather the bulls and move them. Then on to the east pasture to move anything out of there and close all the gates. I came to the ranch the back way as to see where the bulls might be. Four were east of the mill and hopefully the others were just beyond the ridge. We went out on quads. It was a no pressure day. If we got it done or didn't. We still had time before spraying to get it accomplished. Knowing that I could take some time and teach Gideon to ride on the quad. Also to see if I could ride with two dogs on a quad. We got to the four bulls and couldn't see the others. I went west and Cody went farther east. As I passed the drinker I let the dogs get a drink and a swim. Cody found them and called me so I headed back his way.
Time for lesson one. I got a rope on Gideon and put him on the back of quad. Sat on the rope, then called Vaquera who promptly sat in front of me. I sped off. It worked. Got two dogs on and saved their energy for later. We gathered the bulls and started to push them. Like always my dogs were a bit too pushy. But they got the feeling of things and started to work right. Pushed the bulls to the ranch. Got a drink and loaded my dogs on the quad until we got to the east pasture. I went north, Ryan went south and Cody went center. I found my first cattle on the east side on a hill. My dogs and I pushed them toward the road. I spotted some more that looked to be on the fence line. I swung wide to get behind them. Gideon was still coming up the hill slow (bad hips) and Vaquera looked to be headed straight for them. I tried to call her but the wind and the quad made that imposable. So I will just clean up after her. As I topped out I could see she had judged it right and was behind them pushing them down to the road. So I went on down the fence a bit more to see if I could see the other riders and know if we had done the complete area. I looked and saw Cody headed toward what I had pushed off and Ryan on the road with a few head. My dogs had kept the cattle going while I checked out things. What a breath of fresh air. They are still young and impatient, but I am getting somewhere with them. Pushed the cattle through the gate and Yea done. Finished, trained and tired.




In May, Scott Baxter who is creating a book about 100 Arizona ranches for 100 years, to help Arizona celebrate its centennial, came to take pictures of the ranch and us working and interview my dad on some of the ranching history. Some of the ranches will be featured in the Arizona Highways Magazine. We won't know if we will be, but we will be in the book.



In May, we gathered the cattle and sprayed. More time to work my dogs. And great time working along side Blaine and my extended family.

Say anything just get rid of that picture

I am posting to get rid of that picture. It was a great lesson, but I am tired of the butt.

I did see momma cow the other day. I had gone out to check water and salt. I decided I was going to drive around and find her. It really didn't take long. I saw a couple of red cows and drove toward them. Nope, wasn't her. Started off toward a road that would take me toward the east, then I spotted a bronco faced red cow. I drove toward her. She was alone, coming in for water. I got next to her and rolled down the window. I said "hey momma" and she stopped looked at me and I said "is you baby with the sitters?" and she looked back over her shoulder in the direction she had just come from. I then said "sure wanted to see baby" and she continued on. We done did have a conversation. She had no signs of infection and her bag had recently been drank from.

I told Steve about it when I caught up with him at the big mill and all he could say was that I need to write for Disney. Well if telling the truth is enough for a Disney story then scoot over I am on my way to stardom.



I went out on Friday morning to dig up loco weed. Got to the location around 6:30 am. Decided that I would take the road by the dead cow and clean it all the way to the east fence. I started out fine but as time passed the winds really picked up. Got to where I would pop a plant loose and it would start tumbling away. I didn't need all those seeds going anywhere before I could put them in a gunny sack so I called it a day and did the water and salt routes.



That was 3 bags in just over and hour. I got a forth bag before I had to stop. Not bad for a short morning.

Anyone bored can come and help. I did one mile and there is only 4 or so to go.