Missing Dad

It has been a long time since I have posted anything and I have really wanted to say something about my Dad but It has been really hard for me to say anything. I guess I have been in denial. I still don't believe that he is gone. I keep thinking I should call him because he has not called me and then I remember. No more phone calls.-------- I am having a hard time right now.------- Sorry.

I am also reminded all the time with "How is your Dad?" And then I have to give them the news. Then they give me their condolences and I say "It was a good thing, It was a good thing." I really don't think I say that for them but for me! I am telling myself "It was good" because it has not been good for me. I miss my Dad! Dad and I spent a lot of time together working, dreaming, fighting, forgiving, farming, raising my kids, playing, going to church, parades and helping each other on hobbies.

For fifty years He has was always been there for me and now he is gone!

I hurt.

April 21, 2010

Dear Journal,

Up at 5:30 to take the dogs on a run. Nice, nice morning. Think I will take them all the way around the alfalfa field. As we approach home I have two dogs with classic signs of fox tail in the ears. One side of the field doesn't have fox tail but too late for me to notice, the other side does.

Tom had told me of two places I have to go this morning and now I know I can add the Vet to that list too.

Come home and fix breakfast for me and Tom, get dressed to go to work. Start my morning computer routine. My computer had a little burp but I finished what I needed. The Vet will see me at 8 am. Great, then I can go to Bill and Elaine's to say my good-byes to Bill. I tried to on Sunday but there was tons of family around. I had in my heart what needed to be said from me and I wanted and needed to tell him.
Had a good hour visit with him. Good man.

Then off to Beehive Clothing to satisfy some of Tom's list. Done there and now to finish of the list so I can get back to work to send in payroll. Went to get a couple of bed rolls (that is what we give as wedding gifts to our children, because that is what we got ourselves for a wedding gift). Pick up some more lead rope for my dogs because I like the price there. Now the list is done and can head to work again.

Sit down to work and my computer keeps turning off and then restarting. What?!!! I have a virus. I don't need this. Run down to use Tom's and his is doing the same. Find a computer that has some sanity and post payroll. Call Lance on the computer problems. See if Blaine can do anything. Lance can't do anything by remote service. Blaine tried some stuff but it is not working. Get depressed and do what I always do if I can't work through it. Went to bed. I can work as hard as the next, but if my hands are tied, I cope by getting depressed and falling asleep.

Woke up late, only to recieve a call that I can now pick up my dogs who are now awake from their minor surgery. Too depressed and too late to fix dinner. Tom wants to take me to dinner to help me settle down. He has a class him and the boys are going to, but if we drive separate and hurry it can all be worked in. Chinese buffet. Feed the stress, that is as good as sleep.

Come home and decide to just read. No TV, just read. About 7:50 get a call from Tom. You want to meet me at Mom and Dad's? Sure why? Dad has died. Heart stops. Mind reasons. If the Lord doesn't send us more than we can handle, why do I feel that I am having a heart attack? Get dressed and head there to watch, learn, grieve.

I am grateful to be a member of the true church that teaches us more than just to believe, but to KNOW there is life after death. That the Lord loves us and will only give as many trials as we need to grow and learn.

April 22, 2010

I am still breathing. I lived through it. My computer has been resurrected by Lance telling Blaine what to do. I was able to talk to Bill before he went home. My dogs are normal and happy. My heart is full. The Lord loves me, the little rough neck that I am.

Isn't It Ironic

When we young we would dig holes and think they were so deep that just a bit more and we would be in China. Now I wish I had that tunnel, so when Alicia goes to China I could visit her.

I want to blow everything off and play with the grandchildren. Earlier years I wanted to farm out my children and get everything else done.

I thought horses were my world, now give me a quad cuz I prefer cattle.

It is not fun cooking for two after you have cooked for a family.

I have traded in all our bunk beds for queen beds.

I clean the best when I am pissed off, It used to piss me off to clean.

When the ranch started generations ago it was over seen by a woman for the most part, it is close to that time again.

The Big Picture

Carsyn decided after a day in the desert that she would go home with the grandparents and spend the night. We knew she wouldn't because just the short drive from the day camp to Globe for a park and swap, she cried out for her mom. But we said yes anyway. We would love her to spend the night.

She helped us put away the camping things, and relaxed with us while we watch a movie. Then early evening came along and I asked "Are you going to sleep over?" Right away she said "No". So she gathered her things and gave kisses. This is a step for her. She loves her moms so much. Baby steps with her. The bigger picture is one day she might spend a whole week with us and when it is over she might cry not to have to go home.

While my pup and I are training on cattle or chickens there is a lot of loud commands. My family listens to me daily and wonder by what they hear if I am going to kill a dog or dogs or just keel over with a heart attack.

What I am building for is a command that they can hear on the other side of a large loud herd of cattle. You really don't want them to watch for hand signals because they take their eyes of the cattle to watch you.

Today I got my two herding dogs to play fetch side by side, kinda. I had to have them each watch a different hand and throw in opposite directions but they ignored each other. That is a large step. They are very competitive so that brings them side by side for most of the day.

What I want and need is for them to work independently of each other most of the time and only unite on a stubborn cow.

Tonight not in the Moornan

Avree spent most of Thursday at my house while her mom sewed. Me and Tom were going to go and drop some of our camping gear at the camping spot, to reserve it. The sewing took longer that thought (first time with this pattern, so a little rough). We discussed just leaving a 5 am Friday and be back in time for school. Okay settled then.

Louise call about an hour later and Aves wanted to talk to her. Now the amazing part is, Aves is 2 and a half. On the phone she is pushing six. She answered the usual questions an aunt would ask and then all of a sudden she said "I am going to the water tonight not in the moornan", then turned and looked at us like did you hear me. We died laughing. The turkey listen to the whole conversation and had decided she was out of there one way or another. Thank heaven it is fourteen more years until she drives. She would of been gone.

My babies love to go camping. All I could ask for. Oh maybe some might like to ranch with me. Who knows maybe when they all have been born one or so may report in to the saddle.

Random Bits of Learning

I am taking Vaquera to Petsmart classes. There is a shy little poodle in our class. In the second class we went over the manners expected from the dog while on a leash. Vaquera and I did fine, but our little poodle friend (Sophie), um lets say didn't want to participate. She sat down, held her ground. The teacher said drag her she will get up, no one likes to be dragged. She mopped the floor the whole night. The next week she walks normal. The tile floor is one thing on your bottom but a sidewalk and asphalt can teach a lesson.

Lesson: Walk up to what is expected of you, if you don't you might not expect what you get.

I went to Chino Valley to a livestock auction. Yes I put in time looking the animals over. But at one time I watch the people, especially the kids. They ran and played, showed off, and of course got rough. I noticed one young boy kept saying "I need to take this to my dad". The other said okay but you have to come back. He persisted that he come back. He had been treating him a little hard. So the boy ran up to his dad and handed him a little book and a pen. The dad looked at it and put it in his pocket. Said nothing. Just kept on talking to the other man. What I perceived is the young boy used it as a way to get away from the others. The dad was patient and none judging as his son stood next to him.

Lesson: Are we a safe haven at times without judging, or lecturing? Can we accept the way others may get out of a bad situation?

At the above mention auction they had ranch horses for sale. They would describe it as such: rides all day and is still ready to go, can be roped off, will drag um to the fire (branding fire), etc. The horse were shown by one of the owners, mostly men. Did see one woman. What took the cake was they sent out a boy that looked no older than ten. Fine looking horse, was a tad older than the rest but no where ready for retirement. The boy worked his horse like the rest. Fast start, stop on a dime, cuts both ways and then they always send out a calf for you to rope. The boy gets his lasso ready his horse if following in true form and.....what the heck the calf jumped a plywood fence. All you see is the belly clear, the back legs up in the air and thunk. The front body weight pulled the calf over. The announcer said we will release another calf to show you this horse has what it takes. The young man went down to get his next calf, faster that lightning it was an exact reenactment. The announcers apologises to the boy for sending him two bad calves and sends out another. Oh you have got to be kidding. Yep the third follows suit. It is nothing the boy is doing. The first calf found a weak spot and the other two learned it. They brought in a calf farther down the line so as hope it didn't learn the new way to make a gate. Low and behold it was roped and dragged before you could blink.

Lesson: For the boy, don't give up. For the adults, let them keep trying. For those in charge, take the blame don't hand it down.


Just things I see.

Once upon a Week

On tuesday me and Tom crossed wires and I ended up having to walk from the Mesa Library to Jesse and Amandas house to wait for Tom.
I get there as Carsyn is going out the door to play. Paisley had a fresh container of popcorn and she offered me a bite. I went over to work on the quilt. Paisley followed me all the time asking "pop or". It was a joy being shared too instead of being the sharer.
Paisley is a tender heart.

On Wednesday morning the Red Tailed Hawk that had circled us the two previous mornings was at it again. I don't know if we are the only thing happening at 6 a.m. or if is sizing Mobie up for a meal. She circles and then lands on the same telephone pole and waits for us to go by. It takes a minute or two to get in the spot, but this morning I decided to coo at her. That brought Gideon to a halt and he turned to look at me with those big brown eyes that say "what mom?". It must of sounded like my cattle call in a way cuz not thinking I raised my arm to point at the bird, and off he ran toward Power Rd. I immediately called him back. He was on a high speed chase to find those cattle. I am thinking since my arm was so high he thought that meant way out there.
Gideon is an obedient heart.

Me, the dogs, and others went to work at the big mill. The cattle that for the last three feedings were not accounted for have been found. They were not at the big mill previous, but they are now and so we need to make sure there is sufficient water. Batteries were dead on the generator. As we study it out more we found that the bolt holding the alternator in potion had vibrated out and was gone. We found bolts on the windmill frame that would work. Got it set, jumped the batteries and pumped water. As we were leaving Grandpa Nicoll said " I do hope this is the last winter that we have to keep your mom up here. It is to cold for us anymore. I want to keep coming and helping. We just can't winter anymore."
Grandpa is a good heart.