Arrows of Blame

The boy ran nimbly as he could down the deer trail. Dodging low limbs and cat claw. Then stopped at the meadows edge to catch his breath. Across the meadow he could see the smoke rising from the chimney and he knew the rabbit he held in his hand would soon be stewed. He reached over his shoulder and straighten the quiver strap that had slipped down almost to the point of rubbing a blister on his neck, then made sure the bow was still secure.

By the time he got across the meadow he was wringing wet from the knees on down. The dew showed promise that the feed would hold out until the first frost, until then the hunting would remain good.

As the first dusting of snow came he found what his father had taught him rung true. The snow is easier to track in but the tracks would be fewer. His father had been called away to track an escape convict. He could be gone for a month maybe longer. Father and son had gathered the bounty for the family for as long as he could remember. Lessons were taught, learned, an administered.  

There were three things driven home above all the other learning,  first, respect for life, which seamed out of place as you were out to take a life. Time and time again he was taught to only kill what you eat and no more than you needed. Target practice was not to take a life. 

The second was patience. Take time to take the right shot. Not one that wounds, not hurried. Notice the breeze. Calculate how it will play for you or against you. If needs be, move to take advantage of the wind.

Third, if the shot is missed it lies solely with you.

Daylight was getting shorter, the days colder, and the prey more scarce. He silently walked with his eyes peeled for any sign. Be it prey or predator. At least he will learn the habits of both and could be on the receiving end of some other creatures loss. He went home that day empty handed but up beat for tomorrow.

Day after day he returned empty handed. His mother consoled him with stories of how years ago his dad also was honing his hunting skills and they went without, but never went hungry. There was always other things to eat besides that’s days catch. Food preserved carefully by his mother for times just as this.

“All will be fine. Be patient with yourself. Accept you are not all your going to be right now.” His mother would say.

As the sun broke over the hills on the fourth day he spotted a squirrel, low on a tree trunk. He took the shot, the squirrel rounded the trunk to the far side, his arrow missed the mark and the tree. “Stupid wind, you made me miss.

He walked on, heard a raven and took the shot. He did not miss, dead on. But his heart sank as he realized he took the life of a creature he would not eat. He soon reasoned that bird was a noisy old thing that was scaring off all his prey. 

Over the next week and a half he brought home two squirrels and a large hare. The snow fell again and started to melt by the time his father returned. 

“Son” his father said “Your mother tells me that you had some rough hunting days. Not that you didn’t bring home a kill but that you were saddened.”

“Father, I did my best but the elements were not in my favor.”

“Son I do not doubt your tried your best while I left you to do a mans job. Arrows of blame drawn from a quiver of guilt will not bring happiness.”

“Father, I don’t understand.”

His father drew a deep breath and quietly said “When we draw back our bow and let blame fly,we soon have a quiver full of reasons or excuses not to better ourselves. That son is the sin we fall prey too when we find fault in others or circumstances and not analyze what change needs to come from us first.” 

A Dogs Life

The ole dog laid in the yard sunning her self. She stood, stretched, shook off the nap, and scanned the horizon. Noting the other dogs were shaded up she trotted over to a lone tree.  I watched as she sniffed around close to where a root had come to the surface just where the dirt was a little softer.
The soil gave way as she proceeded to dig, soon she looked up disenchanted and returned to her place in the sun.

Many times I witnessed as she wandered off to repeat it over and over again. It may of been near a bush, a post, next to the barn, another tree farther down the way. Then she would return back to whence she came and fell back a sleep.

Over the years I had noticed she buried plenty. Bones, raw hide chews, a pancake, scraps of toast.  To no avail her searches came up empty. Oh she came across some things here or there, but mother earth had claimed most of it.  What bones were found had hardened and lost flavor.

As I watched day after day in hopes she'd win, find the prize she desired, I found myself obtaining a new bone for her. She mauled it for days on end then carried it off.  Taking notice that she was alone she dug a new hole, carefully placed the bone within and buried it under. 

She trotted home to lay in the sun, accomplished.  As she slept another dog stood, stretched, and ran unearthed her bone.

At times I have been that dog. The bones and scraps are people in my life. Trying to spend time with each and then storing the good memories away. Time and trials came and the bones and scraps laid idle as I waited for the sun to come out again.

Soon the sun broke loose of the dark clouds that had me encompassed. I took time to enjoy the warmth and comfort it gives. Then I went looking for bones and scraps, most were missing or lay silent.

Lately I have been given bones in the most unexpected ways. One came in such a small gesture that I cried.  I had given to one a small scrap.  I had responded to a need he had for a class.  An old dog came and questioned my scrap.  I guess I was not allowed to associate or help.  This young man wrote back "Thank you".  So simple, so kind.

Once the cold darkness of trials fades and the Son/sun has had time to work its healing, after the light has washed the shadows and those that stand in them telling you, you are of no worth, then you have great desire to grow and give again.  In time you see from a clear perspective, gain the confidence to search or reach out, to find new bones.

I found me slowly looking for small bits of kindness.  Most holes were empty, taken by others.  Dogs that felt I shouldn't have kindness in my life, but kindness prevailed, I was given new bones.

The dogs that dung up the buried bones found there was nothing of worth.  The ole girl had consumed all the good parts.  All there was left in the ground was history.  It couldn't be changed just because some desire to take it from her. It amounted to nothing to the other dog.  Dogs that try to take happiness from one another don't truly know happiness.  Robbing others for your happiness is pain that will never be satisfied.

Lot’s Wife

One evening as I wrote in my journal before going to bed I got a strong impression to study the story of Lot, most peticular his wife. We know the short of the story, she along with her husband (Lot) and their two youngest daughters were asked by angels to leave a very wicked city. They were told to be speedily about it and don’t look back. Mom looked. She became a pillar of salt. Not a pillar in the community, not salt of the earth. Which could be a good thing. Nope a pillar of salt.

Why?

More history. Lot was Abraham’s nephew. When Abraham was told to leave Egypt he took his wife and Lot and his wife. They were very blessed over time with an abundance of herds. Soon they had to part ways to have enough feed. Lot picked east toward Sodom. Abraham west.

Both men were highly favored of the Lord. Peter one of the Lords apostles speaks of Lot and compares his righteousness to Noah’s. One saved from the sins of others by water, the other by fire.

Abraham was warned of the up coming destruction to the city of Sodom. He asked if there was any righteous would they be saved. Three angels were dispatched to warn and save Lot and his family. Lot went to talk to his son-in-laws who both informed Lot that they would not be going with him.

No wonder she looked. Was it the curiosity of a city burning and all it entailed. The thought of all her friends and the fun they all had. Or was it in hopes her married daughters along with their family members might by the skin of their teeth, running to catch up.

I have for the longest time “looked back” but no more. My father told me in a dream that he had learned that I had lost much but I will gain more. That has been almost three years. I thought I had lost a lot then. But it was only a small amount.

I came across this talk from a Richard G Scott (April 2012). This is one paragraph from the talk.

Revelation can also be given in a dream when there is an almost imperceptible transition from sleep to wakefulness. If you strive to capture the content immediately, you can record great detail, but otherwise it fades rapidly. Inspired communication in the night is generally accompanied by a sacred feeling for the entire experience. The Lord uses individuals for whom we have great respect to teach us truths in a dream because we trust them and will listen to their counsel. It is the Lord doing the teaching through the Holy Ghost. However, He may in a dream make it both easier to understand and more likely to touch our hearts by teaching us through someone we love and respect.

Last night for the first time my sister that has passed on was in my dream. My mother was there also. My mother has came to me before and acknowledge my pain but when I asked her what was right she could not say and she always stood by my brother. She didn’t stand with him but she couldn’t leave him. She looked back so to speak. We truly do leave this world with what heart possessed it. She always had a different love and respect for my brother.
I have a testimony that the heart we leave this world with can change. Will learn. Does grow in light and knowledge.
My mother stood with me. She supported me. I felt having her and my sister with me while I made this choice showed that even those that have pushed me away, that there is family beyond this world that love me, watch over me, and bring encouragement and hope to me.

In this dream I was in Salt River Canyon. I drove to the highest, sharpest turn. Others on the road had long quit going any further. When I reached that spot I got out of my truck, my mother and Susan stood next to me. I turned to them and said this is how I have gotten past this hard time before. My mom said that this is the right way. I was just going to plow ahead. I pushed my truck head long off the peak and it bumped down twice. Landed perfect. We walked a few paces and got in the truck.
I am headed a way that most people don’t go. It has a couple of rough spots but after that it will be down hill.

I shouldn’t of taken so long to read about Lot’s wife. It answered many things for me. Most recent things. Like;
One Sunday as I waited out in the hall for the next class to start a kind woman came with grand baby in arms and asked “Ginny how is it going. What is the latest on your family?”

I told her two of my sons had come and helped us brand. It was a mother’s delight to be working alongside my boys and their children. I told her my daughters have contact with us but I don’t feel all the healing they need is complete. Then I said for my extended family, things are far from good. Healing is still far off because we haven’t hit our pinnacle.

I will never forget what she said. “Forget them. We can and are saved in spite of them.”

She read my heart. I have asked over and over. Why do we spend so much time as the Church of Jesus Christ finding our family that has gone on before us if we loose those that walk the earth with us. It felt like I was failing. Going to fail. Get to the end of my life and be turned away because I was turned away, shunned.

It wasn’t but a few days after this I was told to look at Mrs. Lot. I just kept delaying it. Living life can get busy, complicated, messy, and fun. I did remember a few talks over the years I had heard and didn’t want to face what answer I remember they were promoting. One that kept coming to mind was the author said she looked back because she didn’t want to leave the life style. From reading the scriptures I saw no cause for her to be judged that way.
Nope. Didn’t like that. But after my personal study of scripture also included a historical accounts study by BYU, I learned there was a lot more meat to the Bible story.

It was a father, mother, two sisters leaving family members. They loved them. Tried to warn them. Tried to save their lives but the family members were not willing to save themselves.

That is me. I have reached out to my family. Desiring to talk, desiring to mend, desiring them. I was literally turning to salt. The salty tears that ran, watered, and dripped because them.

The story of Lot and the lady at church was preparing me for one more break from them. They have pushed us away even farther. Unjustly. Very judgmental. None the less a large shove. We had asked for information regarding upcoming family events. Tom shared his sorrow of missing an event of a few years back. They don’t want us to attend any activities so they read anger instead of sorrow in our words and cut the ties we had with them.

I was prepared for this. I didn’t look back. I am saved on my own merits, not by how many call me family that walk with me upon this earth.

It isn’t that I don’t want family they don’t want me. I don’t walk, talk, and act they way they do or do as they tell me too, so, no soup for you.

Lot’s wife, why did she look. Did she love her family? Is her disobedience that turned her to salt an eternal punishment. I don’t believe so. It is all in her heart. A heart of a mother or a heart of one that longed to remain in sin. I can’t judge. I have had a change of heart. I have witnessed my mother’s change of heart. I am grateful that my father has taught me. And I am very grateful my Heavenly Father and his son love me.

Two Sisters of Prey

Two little grey balls of soft downy feathers, curled up together against the cold. 

Dark eyes and all beak, in a feather lined nest, side by side, did as they were told.

Mother so beautiful, tightly clutched in her talons was the food they would hold.

Father stood guard to protect his young, always fearlessly, tirelessly and bold.

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, the air smelled slightly of mold.

In the heat of the day the noises became wonderous and loud, it caused much fright 

The shadows moved from floor, wall, to beam, then faded into the cool of the night

Soft downy fuzz turned to feathers and such, as the nest became much too tight

Mother and father beckoned come follow me, come little ones, come and take flight.

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, anxious and restless they began to fight.

The Swallows and Sparrows would weave in and out, please come play they would all shout

The parents pushed the fledgling from the nest, they flapped their wings, cried and did pout

Dust dancing in the sunlight that peeked through the cracks, but still the tension did mount.

Smiles came and giggles erupted. Shear joy abounded as every flap of their wings did count

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, the air was refreshing, they're flying no doubt

With flight on the wing, the nest all but gone, hunters they became, with plenty more to learn

Great birds of prey, fearlessly they foraged, but prey they can become their father did warn

They soared out the doors far beyond the trees, loving the freedom, no thoughts to return

Each went their own way, life was so easy, the warnings they heard were laughed to scorn

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, for the warmth of the barn they did yearn

Many a morning other birds did gather for the stories and warnings their father would share

He taught of hawks or snakes, and of course of man with a gun or even how to spot a snare

Mother taught nest building, food gathering and hunting with the upmost alertness and care

If a squabble between Swallow or Sparrow ensued they listened to all to Know what is fair

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, gave comfort and love, helped others to bear.

The Sisters of Pray did not listen to learn, why do you hear all sides they both said with a sigh

The two had agreed that the swallows were honest, but the sparrows, they felt told lie after lie

They sat high on their perch snug in their thoughts, watching their parents high up in the sky

They hadn't returned at first light nor all that day, they knew this had to be the last goodbye.

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, the two had lost who they loved, and did cry

A disagreement began, the swallows did tell, the sparrows had no voice, they had to wait

One day high up in the hay a snake did creep, the sparrows did warn but it was taken for hate

The swallows did judge along with the sisters, until the hours had passed, it had gotton late

One sister was bitten, the other took flight, no longer a pair,what rash judgements can make

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, warnings not heeded, and it sealed their fate

All need to be heard, loved, and comforted, misunderstanding will be resolved one day

But to treat others indifferent, turn your wing from them, or believe you are better at prey

The unrighteous judgements of one or a few can frustrates the Lords plan day after day

You may be called home to stand by His side, might get called home cuz you are in the way

High up in the rafters, under the loft full of hay, it is the perfect place to perch and pray

If Ye Love Me Keep My Commandments

A simple way to show our love for the Lord. To show respect. He gave us all if only we are willing to receive. To receive we must do as he asks.

In my Grandmother's Will there is a simple, humble plea. She has listed all she has to give to her children. There was no house or a large sum of money. She list 33 head of range cows, 2 bulls, 11 head of mixed saddle and stock horses. And all she asks;

She left a section plus and some grazing rights to other sections. At the end of her life she gave all she owned in this world and asked that they share. A simple plea. A simple way to show love and respect for her.

I have only tried to involve everyone. I offered multiple times to run a steer for each family. I romanticized the thought of us each running our own brand like our forefathers. I love the thought of sharing. I think I must of inherited that from my grandmother.

I don't know how long it took. I could go back on State and BLM leases to see what years it changed in the first generation, why some of her own children aquired the rights to grazing and some didn't. 

Were the grazing rights purchased or taken? I don't know. But they have been fraudulently taken from me and anyone else who still had them.  I am not saying this is how it was, I am saying this is how it is this generation.

I have not been quietly going down and that really upsets the family. I have been told not to discuss it while visiting with them. Yet they write me to say that others are calling them about what I wrote. Two things, why did they not tell the caller they don't want to be involved or tell the caller to call me?

Others have challenged what I wrote. And I welcomed it. Still they knew a lot about what is going on, all from the otherside. They asked no questions only took prisoners.

One other one told me she didn't want to hear anymore, then she added "We'll let the judge decide". That was long before anything was before a judge. Or I thought. That was the case where we got nothing from the court of the proceedings until they won default.

Tell me which is worse, if you have a dispute with someone and you have begged for a sit down to hear both sides but was denied so you just go ahead and tell your side in public because you know they are following you.

Or

To talk behind someone's back while telling them you don't want to get involved. And then getting involved by listening to one side but not the other.

If I don't like something I turn it off. Plain and simple. All I have asked for was resolve. I don't believe burying things under the carpet gets you anything. It ends up like the generation above me, no grazing rights. I am going down kicking. Or coming out on top grazing. 

Turn the channel or contact me if your willing to listen because I am.

If you want to see what sharing is then here are two examples. I don't know the year or the author but the brands I do recognize.

What a wonderful heritage but the legacy is questionable.

Remember above all, I love each and every one of you. 

Woman, where are those thine accusers?

In my dream I was going to a house, I went to look it over to decide if I wanted to purchase it.  It was an older home, with river rock walls.  As I got close to the front door, those that came with me (I never saw their faces, but I felt comfortable with them) kept saying "This is the right house".  Even as went inside it was repeated.  I did ask "Do you mean Right or Wright"?  There was no answer but still they said the same thing.  I did figure out they meant right.
I felt comfortable with the house.  I decided if I did stay I would move in and just change wall color here and there.  I would do it after I moved in to see if I really wanted any change.  I wasn't in love with any part of the house.  But it did feel I could become comfortable with it.

As I woke I didn't understand much of it.  I hoped it would mean I was going to get a house in New Mexico.  I thought it funny that I thought they were saying Wright house.
I didn't think much more of the dream.  I mentioned it to Tom but that was it.


Weeks later I had another dream, it also was a house with a river rock walls.  This time I went alone.  I also knew I had purchased it sight unseen.  As I opened the door I noticed that most of the kitchen cabinets were gone.  Walls were partially removed.  It was clean.  I loved it.  It had so many options for change. It felt like a challenge.  A good challenge not a dreaded one. I could finish removing the wall or put it back up.  All my choice.  I knew, me and this house was going to become old friends.


There was about one month between the two dreams. And now many more weeks have passed.  I have compared the two for a long time now.  I tried to write what was the same and then the differences. 
One day I felt impressed to research what a house in your dream means.  What I found, all agreed the house represents self. 
I told Tom I just can't see it.  It was too different houses.  The first house didn't need much work, none at all if you could accept what was already there. And people told me this is the right house.  Did they know this is what I needed?
The second house was the one I ended up with.  Even though I hadn't seen it before I purchased it.  The work inside seemed to be just what I wanted or needed even though that is not what I was shopping for.  I was slightly shocked when I opened the door but yet so receptive to it.  That is weird,  change for me is rarely welcomed.


As I started to look at these houses as self every thing started to fall in place.  A couple of times I sat down to write what I had learned but always came to a stop until more was revealed to me by some interaction that just happened in my life.  The dreams came and then the teaching moments followed.  This is the first time in over what feels like two months that I can get to the end of the explanation. The last part I couldn't understand was the "It's the right house".


The first house was one I had the choice to remain.  One where people didn't show their faces but would follow me and say "Its the right house".  A house that was comfortable but not really how I wanted it.  A few changes but still left with old influence of how it was previously.
I now know the price of the house would of been steep.  Always trying to please others is a costly move.

The second house was ready to become.  It had opportunity to live up to its full potential.  It had been torn down, humbled, and ready to rebuild, No more outside influence. 

Lately because of things I write about, people that don't show their faces have been contacting me to tell me what is right.  They have perspective from one side but not both. Just like at the first house, they hadn't even entered into my house, my self, to see what I see. They were telling what is right while outside and then again as they followed me around.
I think it is wonderful to want to help each other, don't get me wrong.  But to give advice without knowing the whole story is not advice it is an agenda.

To those faceless people who mock my dreams, calling them "imagined" , "pure fiction" and "borders on slander" , this is why you had no influence in my second house.  They are real, real dreams, warnings, and blessings. The others that are well versed in details from one side but not mine, if only you could be a face, someone that is open minded enough to want to know the whole truth to

judge.
For those who enjoy my dreams and walk with me as I learn and grow, thank you for your words of kindness.

I am so happy that I bought the second house.  I can't wait for the changes that are to come.  I once again thank the Lord in all His awesomeness that sends me dreams to help guide me through this growth.  He understands what I need long before I do.  He prepares me though my dreams.
To those that are willing to show their face, I am ever grateful you lend me an ear. I couldn't make these changes with out you. 
If there is one thing I will take away from this is you have to be more than family or friend to help people through tough decisions, you need to be a face, an ear.

May the Lord always be mindful of my needs, may He bless those around me that are willing to walk, teach, and love me.
May the hearts that bear malice be humbled and may the meek step forward in righteousness.

You Cad

STEVEN D NICOLL


This is who you are so proud to be married to?   It's too bad you have sunk so low.   12 year olds do graffiti.  
 Your mother and father cring if they are allowed to see your idiocy. 
And you wonder why no one wants you at the ranch. Everything happening to you is self caused.
When you're ready to change give me a call.  Just quit being so immature.

So I get this email from my brother.  The subject matter in bold letters and an exclamation mark after it is Grow Up.
So the mature thing to do is to contact the spouse or in this case the wife instead of the one you believe wrote this?  I always believed you faced the one who you feel has wronged you. Or does he truly believes I have wronged him by loving a man he hates.  I am the one in the wrong?

This is how it has been my whole life.  He has always tried to shame me.  Convince  me that no one likes me. That it is all my fault and if I will just change or submit to his ways he will fix it for me.
That is five things narcissistic people do.  There is quite a long list I have discovered.  

"Everything happening to you is self caused".  So explain to me why the day my mother passed I get a call from him and this is what he said "Your wish came true, your mother is dead".  What did I do to cause a callous call like that? I had her in my home and tended to her for her last three months. I was away only a few hours when she passed.  I didn't take her away from them.  I told them Tom and I would love to have her, but was told no. She was then dropped off after they decided they couldn't have her in their houses.

Explain this one.  When I asked about all of four of us children sitting down and going through our parents things I was told that they had already went through the paperwork and their personal belongings, that they would give me a change to go through other things of my parents at Patti's house an hour before the grand kids come to pick out what they want.
I was robbed of the closure I had hoped for. To sit one last time, experience and touch what they felt was important enough to hang on to it.

Or this one.  I've told this one before of how we voted on how many heifers to keep back at Cody's suggestion.  I felt it was too many.  I agreed but stated if money got tight we could sell a few.  A short time passed and was berated  by Don on why I kept so many if I was only planning to sell them. I did not sell them. I had no plans. Just wanted an option and an agreement. 

How about the time Chris told me to go get my fathers rifles because they were given to my boys and Patti was trying to give them away.  Then I was accused of stealing them and Chris said he couldn't collaborate my story until I started to be nice.  I was not mean.  I was just not obedient to their commands. 

There are so many examples of my self caused consequences.  If you don't lock step behind them, you will be rode rough shod over.  And there is no one to blame but your self.

I don't understand if everything happening to me is self caused, by what law or act of nature can cause your siblings to fraudulently take your inheritance away.  Even if I was to yell at them every time we passed each other, or even maim or harm them, that does not give the other party the right to use fraudulent means against them.  Fraud is fraud, it has a motive and the motive is self justification, not justified.

His line in the email about my parents, I don't know if he meant crying or cringing but to state "if they are allowed",  I have two questions, has he lost faith that those who have passed on don't watch what we do to each other?  Wait to help us?  Or has he convinced himself they don't so he can put distance between him, his acts, and his parents taking notice.

I don't understand how a person can spend so much energy tearing down the spouse of another in the eyes of the one who is married to them. Why that same energy is't used to find some good in someone that is now part of your family.  I have been told before that I could come back to the ranch but Tom needs to wait three years and they would revisit the matter.  I have been told to divorce him also. They will not speak to Tom.  They just keep after me.  I have begged for a mediator.  I truly have nothing in my conduct that is dishonest or malicious toward them.  There will always be misunderstandings, but to not allow a third party to sit in, is fear.

The other day I looked up the word Cad as I bounced around watering my cattle.  That is my time when I really get to relax and think.  I remember it being used in old movies and such.  Most sites agreed  on this meaning: a man who behaves dishonorable, especially toward women. Some had a bit more to say.
I decided that name works perfect for my situation, Cody Anthony Don Steve.  These have been pure cads toward me.

The old adage of birds of a feather flock together is very true when it comes to narcissist.  They really do get along.  Even prefer each other over us nonconformist. 

I think one of the saddest things that has come out of all this isn't that I have to fight to retain my inheritance, that is a given with the history of all the previous generations.  The saddest is how my Uncle Cap and my Uncle John's families to win this fraud engrossed range war have left out all the other children or grandchildren in their families so only Cody and Don inherit the deeded land and grazing rights.  
It is a tangled mess that our lawyers are having to undo but some how Steve looks on paper that he too owns my dads whole seventh. 

If it walks like fraud and sounds like fraud believe me it shits like fraud.