Get Saddled We Are Burning Daylight

I will try to make this as less confussing as possiable.
Under the heading SUMMARY on the email from Don, it has A through E listings. Those have sub-listings. On my first Answer Blog I addressed E 1. I will now attempt to answer E 2 then on to E 3, ect. I may not get all the way through E and its sub-listings as not to make a book out of each blog but a short read.

As you can see there are 10 parts to E, and I have only addressed E 1 so far. 9 more to go.
Check your cinch and apply the spurs, bring the whole herd, leave nothing behind.

Exhibit 2014-12-17

Summary E 2 page 2
This is the email I recieved as I was headed back up to the ranch from my two days in the Valley. I was shocked, hurt, devistated. But confused was the thing I remember the most. At this time, This exact time I had put out an email the week before begging them to come help me, we had gates down, a bull was found almost all the way to Concho, another bull was at the big mill and I had him trapped without water. It was more than Tom and I could do ourselves. They couldn't come. They sent Greg Nicoll. And he was a blessing. Why couldn't they come? Because they had already taken Monday off work to follow through on kicking me off the ranch. I was still calling Cody for advice and help. This is more than months after the meeting and no mention of still needing invoices. When the invoices were finally asked for it was now after they had removed me. Not the two months between the meeting and the day they forcible removed me. We had worked together shipping cattle and nothing was said. Don keeps illuminating to meetings in November and/or December. I was not told of them, invited to them, nothing. I will not address this letter piece by piece because it is broke down in the main email and I will address it then.

Summary E 3 page 2 I would like to know how looking at a bank statement you can tell that payments were made without approval. Did they not need invoices to make that judgement. How could they be afraid of embarrassing me by not asking for the invoices but have no regard to my feelings to kick me off the ranch. This is when the "shouldn't say this person" inside me says "Boy I am glad you are not my judge in heaven". Why did you not press for the invoices, or have a meeting with me to discuss this? I had completely forgotten about the invoices with shipping and winter coming on.  Plus at the meeting you all seemed satisfied with the copies of the checks and the brake down of each check I provided.

Exhibit 2015-05-13

Exhibit 2015-05-13

Exhibit 2014 8-4

Summary E 4 page 3 I don't have much of a response to the letter or the email. I was in Utah and didn't have anyway or desire to answer to them.Oh, heck I had not desire to do anything but wake up, take my dogs for a walk and go to the temple to receive the peace and guidance I needed at this time. All the paperwork that could help me answer if I had wanted to was in Arizona. At this time I felt no mercy from them, not mercy as forgive me I have sinned but the mercy that should be extended when a family or a family member is going through a hard time or trial. I will state that when I did say I would return to ranching I said "Like it used to be, you guys come when you want and when your needed". I did not say in management position and I did not say only when you are needed, I believe we all have the right to be there when our soul needs to just be there for our souls sake. Right after I did write that I got a reply from Steve and he had twisted to say what you just said in your summary. I explained, but just like me being put on the carpet for Cody's cattle purchase, it still remained the same. I couldn't do anything right. I lived under a filthy dirty magnifying glass. It is hard to see clearly when you are looking through the bad. By this time I had realized there was no use. Everything was to be turned against me. I would never have a mediator that would see how things got twisted and help straighten it out.

Summary E 5 page 3 This Summary E 5 gets broke down to into 12 points. I hope to get through them all in this blog post. This is really a lot more work than I supposed. I need a Pepsi.

Summary E 5 page 3 United 1 page 6 It is true I do not agree with everything Tom does. I don't agree with everything most people do. Heck I have been known to be disapointed in myself. But I will never try to control anyone. I believe in freedom of speech. I believe in self control, with that said I am not the best babysitter for my self. I struggle with my own self control. Under this thinking if someone doesn't stop or control someone else from doing something they don't agree with then they are Untied? Then can I assume you agreed with the Federal Agency of BLM setting up free speech zones on the Bundy Ranch?

Summary E 5 page 3 United 2 page 6/7 This an email from Tom to Steve's Stake President. Once again I don't always agree but I will not stop a person from doing what they feel is right. Tom in a previous email had asked if he could call Steve and Tom in for a meeting. Tom explained that Steve is bullying me. Tom felt this was an option to get a face to face with Steve. You guys will not sit down with Tom. Tom is just trying, like me, to understand where you are coming from. Not answer your questions only but to answer all questions, both sides.

Summary E 5 page 3 United 3 page 7 Previous to this Tom had asked Steve to meet with him. Tom is trying to protect his wife (me) in the best ways he sees available.

FROM HERE ON DOWN I ANSWERED TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING UNITED. IT HAS A LOT TO DO WITH GOSSIP AS TO INFLUENCE HIS AUDIANCE TO REMOVE ME FROM THE LLC
The discord was one sided. Steve has always had a problem with Tom. It is said if you have a problem with someone, it is your problem. I did not ask you to intervene. I asked you to protect me as in when we were in group emails to stop Steve from cutting everyone else off the email and berating me. That is all I asked. If Steve had the need to say something personal to me then he needed to keep it out in the open. I did not ask you to judge between us, or judge who was right.  I just wanted wittnesses of how he treats me when he thinks no one is around.You could not do that simple task. That is all I asked. Tom never had a cross word with Steve, yet Steve verbally abuse Tom in our house when Steve come to see his mother who had moved in with us as she was passing. Karen sat there with shock and horror on her face. She did not stop him. Did she agree with what he was doing. In my book no, in your yes.

Summary E 5 page 3 United 5 page 7 So because others had discord with Tom and nothing happened between you, Cody and Tom, you both felt you needed to step away from him? Now that is solid thinking there. Have you personally talked to each person you named? If not, do you have the right to write something like that?

Summary E 5 page 3 United 6 page 7 I said nothing even close to this fabrications. You made up this whole paragraph to shock and influence your audience that you sent this too. The Lord knows what I said. And He now knows you heart.

Summary E 5 page 3 United 7 page 7 Well bless your heart. Wait, United, huh? Where is the part about evil Tom?

Summary E 5 page 3 United 8 page 7 I have only said from the first our family would be back together. I turned to Tom, I did not turn from my kids. You sir are a gossip monger with a cold heart when it comes to compassion and understanding how people may feel.

Summary E 5 page 3 United 9 page 7 What in the crap does this have to do with United? Cody's card came with a letter. The letter had evil intent in it. It was not the appropriate time for what he said.

Summary E 5 page 3 United 10 page 7-8 I feel this is judging without sitting down and asking me where I am coming from. But maybe that is the definition of  unrighteous judging.

Summary E 5 page 3 United 11 page 8 I was sitting next to Jesse as he was texting Chris. I had plenty of input of what was being exchanged between the two. So yes they did not tell me I participated. We have the text. It only asked about section 36. If we would of known you meant section 31 then we would of know we would of been in trouble.Had the fences been built on section 36 our cattle could of still walked to the mill and got a drink.  Where Steve built it took both options of water from them   Do you need to see the text? Jesse said please let us know when you are fixing the fence because we would love to help. Thinking it would be about a half mile fence. Not 10 feet. That dang Tom and his schemes. I would not had a lack of water if the fence would of been built on section 36 and not east of the right-away on section 31. Big difference. I think the word scheme could apply to others listed in this paragraph, and it author.

Summary E 5 page 3 United 12 page 8 Dad gum. The story behind this story is listed later under another heading, so you still don't get to read the elaborate scheme we devised to frame poor ole Cody. Just believe me it was the hand of the Lord revealing things to us that we really didn't want to witness. But your version would make a wonderful short story or chapter in a book.

That's it for tonight. There are still miles to ride to find all the cattle. I think I will make camp here for the night. Just enough daylight to gather some wood for a fire for cooking and keeping the wolves at bay. There are plenty of wolves out on this range.

My Side of a Slippery Slide

Let me express my joy in getting to answer these accustions. I have stated from the first how bad I have wanted to do this. I did have one small hiccup. I asked for a mediator. I told them they could pick him or her and I would pay. Then there were times I thought we would meet in front of a judge and I could now be free of the weight these known and unknown accusations put on me. But that never came about either. I did ask my bishop many times to call us in. How badly I needed resolve. But that also was no to be.
I am troubled on how this email is not laden with facts but with unfounded statements. It states how Don feels or he is convienced. I have been accused, tried and found guilty. No facts, just perceptions. I was denied the ability to be heard because they fear an outsider for some reason. The reason stated later in his email makes no sense to me.
This email I am answering is long. I feel the need to warn anyone that is reading along. But this is more for me, than for anyone who wants or desires to know where I stand in all this. I do ask that anyone who is interested to keep an open mind and a prayerful heart.
With that said lets get started.
PREFACE page 1

(i) I answered all questions before I was kicked off. I recall you called one day while I was checking cattle and you wanted an accounting for the year so far. I told you I would have it to you by the end of the day and I did. You had the right through the Arizona Revised Statute to come by and make all copies of accounting that you wished for or needed. You never did. But I have asked multiple times of when I could come to your house and make my copies. Not once did you provide a time let alone an answer. I do have texts if you need a copy of them.

(ii) Please show proof of me paying my family. I never did. They took time away from work and their homes to be with me. Please present facts not spectulations.

(iii) I had a geat desire to ranch. Not to run the ranch. I tried to stay in touch. I emailed but Cody said he already got way to many emails and they got lost in the shuffle. Now I will speculate here but he said he likes calls. Calls are a he said she said. Emails and text are proof. I tried Donnie's private Faceook page but Cody said no way. I tried Steve's google docs but Cody said he didn't like that there was only one admistrator. At the last meeting I asked how do I communicate and there was no resolve. A side note, I took Jesse to the last meeting because I felt I needed a witness to the proceedings. Jesse recorded the meeting. We checked he still has it after three long years. So I have proof of asking and not receiving an answer.

(iv) It is not that we won't admit what we have something wrong, we have waited and waited to answer your accusations. We could see no wrong in what we did. If you look at our phone records we call Cody once or more a week. I was very open on Facebook, to the point I was in trouble. I shared to invite, to give a daily accounting, to let extended families see what their forefathers did. I had no other motive than to share and teach. I did not share to scream look at what I own, look at what I did, I love our heritage and wanted all within our circle to enjoy it also.

A. Please share your convincing evidence. I so tried to answer. You would not except that I felt a need for an impartial person to hear me out. Why do you fear one? You state they (Tom and Ginny) would not answer then you only addressed the email to me. We were willing to sit down but you would only let me come to a meeting. This email in reference came after they kicked me off. Not before. I will throughout this answering time state if what I am answering is before or after I was kicked off. Kind of a BK ( before kicked off) and AK (after kicked off). As you see they asked questions after they had made a decision to kick me out.

B. From the first I asked to be heard. I asked for answer from you. I told my side of the story to who would listen. If the shoe was on the other foot and any of you three would of been kicked off I do believe you would of taken some sort of recourse. I chose social media. It has worked for me. I have stated facts. If you wanted it to stop then you should take time to listen and not judge. If you dont believe I felt betrayed, hurt, suicidal, unloved, alone. I know the depths of alienation and all others you mentioned above.

C. Why would I want to spend time with you and not my husband. I made sacred covenants in my religion that bind me to him more than any other family member. I don't understand why you would expect me let alone ask me to leave him behind and come to you. Under what cause did Tom have to stay away. Will you please explain? What really crosses my mind is if we did embezzle money and steal equipment then why did we only have to change our ways or stay away long enough to statisfy some standard you had and not reconcile our debt.

D. I concluded the same from you guys. Let me state facts. Cody proposed at a meeting to buy some preg. heifers. We voted on it, I mentioned if we did run short on money we could always sell a few just to get by. A week later you called me wanting to know why I wanted to buy if I was only going to sell. I did not want to sell, heck I didn't really want to buy, I wanted to put money into winter feed. I aked why are you calling me and not Cody, he proposed it and we voted. Another time Cody found some desert preg cows to by from someone he knew. It was voted to purchase them. One cow never calved or if she did then something happened to it. Why was I called again for that by Steve. Cody proposed it and knew the buyer. I have been on the carpet the whole time, for things voted on by all and proposed by others. You were not and are not and easy partner to be with. Especially when I had to take the blame for so many things out of my control.

These are the Missed Signs mentioned above

E 1 1 page 4 I did say I was overwhelmed. I reached out for help. I was gone from my family. Tom came up on weekends to help me and mostly to be with me. Don did ask to take over bookkeeping. That was not overwhelming me, that aspect is easy as not much transpires a month. But both times on my weekly call to Cody I mentioned that Don had asked for the books and Cody said no they are fine where they are at. I was honest at all times. There seems to be a pattern of the others not being honest with each other. I have no proof only that I was always in a tug of war that I did not produce for myself.

E 1 2 page 4 I did not say that. But what proof do we have since it was a call. What I did say is that is how my dad did things with us. We let purchases add up to make sure he had enough money until the cattle sold. Then he would write us a large check to cover the amount. Some times it even went longer if he had a well go down or had some other purchase coming up. I just did the same. So if an emergancy came up we hadn't whittled away the account before we went to auction.

E. 1 3 page 4 To explain the numerous request, remember I was at the ranch taking care of things because at my call for being overwhelmed no one stepped in, so the only way I could get invoices copies was to go to Mesa. Why did you not offer to come up or just go to our place in the valley and make a copy. For not being approved, once again Cody was asked and told you another answer.

E. 1 4 page 5 Yes it was months later that you were interested in them. I did bring them to the meeting which if I recall was not in november it was last of sept or early oct because we were deciding where to send the calves to auction. You did not ask for them. I brought them. Steve asked for copies of the checks. I thought that was wierd and I said you want copies of the checks. Yes you guys had already deccided not to "create an uncomfortable situation" so instead of in the quite of a meeting asking for them and letting me fail which I wouldn't have you wait a few more months and kicked me off the ranch. Yes I should of slinked away in the dark of the night with all that I had been accused of but never did. But instead I shone the spot light on you and you take as I am the one that is unkind. Wouldn't it had been easier to ask? Wouldn't it had been kinder to let Tom and I meet with you or let me have a mediator? Remember we have a recording of this meeting.


This is just the tip of the iceburg. I will work on the next pages over the next few days or weeks and release them as I finish. I'll say again it was a long email. Stick around. The good part is yet to come. They have accused me of framing Cody for theft by finding witness that I don't know and never met because the Sheriff investigating the crime found them and has kept it confidentual. Yet I somehow got them to collaburate on a story. This is better than any book I could write. I must have ESP powers that I don't even know about.
Oh about the page numbers you see of the photos of what Donnie wrote, the pages got out of order when they were sent to me. That is why I number the pages as I go. At the last I will attach a full copy of the email.

Lost on the Range

Grounded. I was grounded once. Not that I was a perfect child. I just never ventured far. The only time I did and got home after supper but before dark I was immediately grounded. I learned fast. The funny thing, I was fifteen at the time. Maybe, I learn slow.

Over the last few years I have had plenty of reasons to be grounded. This is a different kind of grounding, or maybe it is the same just slightly different. Both force you to think of right now.
Living in or trying to figure out how you could changed the past brings on depression.  Avoiding or doubting the future gives you anxiety. Both places take you from the now or reality. That is where grounding comes in.

I went into a depression years ago. I had enough sense to pray. I asked the Lord to help me. I didn't like who I was becoming. The Lord answered me right away. He told me to pray each day, never ask for anything, only be grateful or pray in gratitude for thirty days.
I did it and within less than a week I was who I was again. I continued for the allotted time but found it so refreshing that I wrote ten things each night in my journal that made me happy or grateful.

Years later my world was rocked again. After the passing of my dad the gates of hell swung open to engulf me. Still to this day I can feel the tremendous power sweep through me as I pressed my head against my father's head as he laid in his coffin.
It was the blackest feeling I had ever encountered up until then in my life. I have seen blacker days since.

That is when I needed grounding. My therapist was good at it. Tom learned how but sometimes neither could help. I just had to write myself out of it.

One day as I visited with the jewelry ladies at the bottom of Salt River Canyon I came across some new beads. They told me they were Juniper beads. That they kept evil spirits away. Instantly Tom said "You pick some out you need them". I did need them. Not that I believed they worked but I already had a love for the juniper tree. It has magical powers to activate sourdough starts.

Well I picked out some and found I couldn't live without them. They did work. Things got me down, I would think of the juniper bracelet that I wore, rub my fingers across it, notice how each bead was different than the other.

That is grounding. When you have to live in the now. Use as many as the five senses that you have. It brings you back from the past and future.

I don't have to wear my beads as often. I still write sometimes but it is happier scribblings. I have become stronger.
One day I felt myself fading. I asked the Lord how I went for so many years without all this yuck. Some of the stuff creeping out of my closet was from when I was little. How did it stay in there so long?
The Lord told me that my children grounded me. Between diapers, nursing, and all other things mothers do, I lived in the now and collapsed into bed to do the now again at day break.

I now look at my past and change me. My future holds miracles, mercy, and hope. Today is better because I have stepping stones and not stumbling blocks.

I can step on those hard lessons, it is a step up if I can forgive, grow, give and accept mercy, and try as hard as I may to be meek

Forgiveness comes pretty easy. To not forgive caused me much more pain to hold on to than to let go.
To grow from an experience still takes time for me, I have to analyze it until I can see what change it can bring and then apply it. Mostly reapplying time and time again.
Giving mercy is a kin to forgiving, I don't understand where they came from so it is hard to judge them. To accept mercy is hard. I still find myself not feeling worthy of mercy. I judge myself by an unreachable standard but yet lower the bar for others.
To be meek encompasses the before mentioned stepping stones plus another ten percent of controlling emotions. I am human, I still use the secondary emotion of anger. I try hard to back up when anger is felt to see what true emotion brought that on, be it hurt, fear, loss. It is hard to take a boiling pot, figure out the source of the heat and turn it inside to melt the cold heart trying to build a hard frozen shell. It is possible, but for me I have to stop and find the first emotion so I can understand it and fix it.

My mom used to laughingly say "I hope Steve is never my paramedic. He has no compassion."

If she was here I would love to share this with her,
http://www.spsp.org/news-center/press-releases/can-narcissists-be-moved-show-empathy

I bring this up because my partners who I say are bullying me really have a condition that I don't understand but have felt time and time again. The emotional roller coaster they put me on.
But it makes it easier to understand why they are nice one moment then not. Why they say I need to be nice because it is upsetting a family member but when I ask them do you not think it upsets me I get a blank stare. They can manipulate but they have no empathy.
Knowledge brings understanding. Understanding brings forgiveness, growth, and mercy. But with distance, for emotional and safety's sake.
What I have learned is narcissistic behavior enjoys each other's company. It is hard to think that is true but they feed off each other and have learned to not cross boundaries. Look it up. It is an amazing society they invent for themselves.


I have been studying the words the Lord himself spoke. Like the beatitudes then the parables. For His time on earth the Lord did beautiful miracles but said so little. But it is powerful what was spoken. Take the story of the woman taken in adultery. So few words, "Let him without sin cast the first stone, Go and sin no more". Powerful to me.

Poor in spirit-kingdom of Heaven.
Those that mourn-comfort
Meek-inherent the earth
Hunger and thirst after righteousness-shall be filled
Merciful-obtain mercy
Peacemakers-called the children of God
Persecuted for righteousness sake-kingdom of Heaven

This talk gave me something to reach for and acquire.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1987/12/the-beatitudes-pattern-for-coming-unto-christ?lang=eng

***************************************************************************
Above is Pre Cow, this now is Cow Cow. My mooers  for some reason give me a deeper thought on things. To ponder on, how things pertain to me, and how I need to proceed. These thoughts came to me as I went to check my cattle.

After all my reading the last few days I have come to learn there are narcissistic tendencies and narcissistic syndrome. If you are full blown narcissistic you are reclusive. You can't even get along with other narcissistic people. I think I met one recently but that is for another day.

Anyway from my reading narcissistic people believe no matter what there is a means to the end. Whatever it takes to get the end result. It is found they believe if a goal isn't achieved it is because someone got in their way or it was the fault of someone else. We have discussed how they have no empathy. No compassion, there fore do they have a conscience? They believe consequences are given but unfairly to them because as previously stated they are not at fault.

So with that said a thought came to me of, have I been treating them fairly. It is a mental state of sorts. They believe they are right. They can use any means to gain their ends. When I have caught them in a lie and approached them on it they blankly stared at me. There was no comprehension in their eyes. They even went as far as either blaming someone else or turning it around to show my fault. When Steve wanted to steal a ladder out of an abandon, locked building, Cody and Don both gave me the blank stare again when I stated the ladder is not ours they said nothing. When Cody stole fencing, Don went as far as contacting the owner trying to defend Cody and lay the blame else where.

This answers so much for the killing of my cattle. Coming on to my property and breaking the door on my house because they couldn't find the ranch papers they were looking for.

Or Cody shooting over our heads when we checking our cattle. This is seriously a lack of mental conscience.

Now for me, what part do I play. Knowing they don't have the mental compactly to understand, do I need to treat them differently. How does mercy play into this. Do I extend more mercy, how does the Lord hold people accountable if they have no mental ability to understand that to lie, cheat, destroy is not ok.

Is narcissistic a sin? Can you be judged for something you don't understand? How does the Lord judge the cruelty to us, and how are we judged as we interact with them?

I can't give into their demands, I have a life also. Where is the line of doing as I please and provoking them? I have tied to run my cattle as far from them as possible, quietly, we have notified them when we needed the corrals but only to find they have dismantled equipment so we can't use it.
We only have pushed back. We don't throw the first punch. But I see now their mental state tells them that we are a threat to their end. They will use all means to achieve it.

I now know this is not bullying like I thought. It is scarier. It can't be reasoned with or taught. It is a mental state.

Or I could be deeper than I need to be and do some more research. Prayer might help. I only know these thoughts came to me as I contemplated my part in all this. Asking the Lord to help me understand what I have read.


Signed,

Baffled