Unexpected Change Through Delay

Nettie woke with a jolt. It was now twenty two hours in this small airport. Slowly she started to reminisce on the last few days. She had flown from Arizona to Florida for a funeral of a dear high school friend. The plan was to go on to Colorado before returning home to see her sister but the plane was diverted to New Mexico due to a technical malfunction, which left her on standby to Colorado unless she wanted to just fly home with a sooner flight.

Let's see we decided it had been forty seven years since we all had seen each other. Was it really that long? How life has it's quirks. The last time we all saw each other was at another dear friends funeral. JoAnn died two weeks after graduation from High school. That was the last they were together. Then came faraway colleges, military enlistment, work and families.

Nettie decided to take a walk and stretch her legs. Do a little people watching, one of her small enjoyments.

Sylvia stood with her arms tightly folded across her chest. The conversation going on in her head was becoming heated as she became aware of herself. Fearing she may have mumble words out loud. She slowly looked around to see if any or all eyes where upon her. After a quick scan, her thoughts were a bit more within reason. It started to play out what lay before her. 

Here I go again, she thought. Is it that complicated? Can I ever win with these people? How hard is it to follow through! I don't believe they could blow their own noses if I didn't hold their hands up to their faces.

Immediately Sylvia fumble around in her backpack for her phone. Disgusted in herself for not putting her phone in its usual place. She thinks, short of unloading her pack in the middle of the airport, to find the dad blasted thing, it seemed, to have found the path of least resistance, to the far crevices of the bag. 

A moment later, phone in hand, she pushes redial knowing full well the top number would have been the office.  Mother what are you doing at my office? She says in such shock and dismay that surely now those around her are alerted to her agitation. Your at home? Then how did I call you? Oh yes I remember now you did call me last. No I am still waiting to board. Yes I love you and will call you as soon as I get there, she said as she hung up to place the right call this time.

Scrolling down she got the office number and pushed send. It rang twice then went to the recording to leave a message. Frustration crossed her face while her brain clicked off another topic that needs to be said once she gets Amy within her reaches. 

Amy her new assistant, is a young intelligent girl around 22, tall and slender. What Sylvia's family called "a tall drink of water". Sylvia liked to add "soda water" because Amy has such a happy bubbly personality. 

Sylvia hangs up once again to call Amy's cell phone. One ring and Sylvia hears a soft but happy voice say, It's a cinch, how can I help you? 

Sylvia started "It's A Cinch" about 15 years ago. What started out as a hobby of making cinches for friends has evolved into a full time business. Catering to elite group of horse enthusiast and high rolling rodeo stars. 

This is Sylvia, where are you? In almost a ferrel cat hiss. 

Coming in behind you, I can see you now. Amy answers.

Sylvia hangs up and once again drops her phone in her bag.

What in the world were you thinking, did I not make you a list? A very detailed list! In a voice much too loud for two people standing nose to nose. But at this moment who cares if the whole worlds hears this Sylvia thought.

Yes ma'am. Amy said with a firm but slight quiver in her voice. Amy had been warned of the temper or almost disregard her new employer had for people. Amy had such a love for the clients and the merchandise that she felt it could out weigh the bad. Plus she was going to stay on her toes and prove herself.

Then where are the cinches? I was expecting to unload them before the metal detector. Sylvia said in such a low growl that anyone who had been attracted to the interaction would now have to be straining to hear.

Amy with all she could muster, said in an even voice, I asked you in a memo last Tuesday if I could send them on ahead with George as he was going early with our other products for the booth. You had okayed it.

Sylvia feeling sheepish but with the need to what she feels "stay on top", said in a bark with less of a growl. Good. George is trustworthy.

Amy smiled and said. But I did notice your wallet on the counter and thought I had better hurry it down to you. Have a safe flight, and while I am here is there anything you need from me to help you out further?

With a half smile Sylvia answered, not at this time thank you.

Amy waved and turned. With a smile on her face she now knew it was all bark and no bite. 

Over the intercom it was announced flight 207 for Colorado was now boarding at gate 3. Silvia grabbed her backpack and her small duffle bag and briskly walked toward the gate. 

The line was forming as she reached it. She stepped in behind a young man with dreadlocks. She smiled and thought to herself that he most likely was headed there for the "greener pastures". Her way of acknowledging the "weed laws", the legalization of marijuana.

Behind her is an older woman. Medium height with a motherly build. One that has a bit of a leather look to her like she must be outside a lot. Probably gardening. If she had finer clothes, Sylvia would of joked to herself of the many options of what she could of been growing.

Sylvia was hoping to be more to the front of the line so she could get a window seat in front of the wings. It just seems quieter there. With this being just a small plane there is no assigned seating. If it wasn't for the mix up on the cinches she would of been more on her game. 

Sylvia has her first sign of luck. She sees a seat just where she prefers. She hurries toward it. Stows her duffle bag in a bin above her and takes a seat. Stuffs her backpack under her seat of which she had just previously grabbed her reading book.

Excuse me. Um, excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Sylvia looks beyond her book to see the woman that was behind her in line. No ma'am. It is empty. She says in her sweetest please don't sit by me voice.

Good. Answers the woman as she slides in next to her. 

The book or what Sylvia calls her "wall" when in public was already up in place when she hears the woman next to her say. Hello my name is Nettie. She puts forth her hand. Sylvia gives it a small shake and says I'm Sylvia. As she put the wall back up.

Nettie turns her body to face Sylvia and she says, please excuse my rumpled look. I have been on standby for almost a day. I was just told there was room on this flight. I am going to see my sister for a few days. Was that beautiful young lady your daughter? 

The last thing Sylvia wants to do is visit let alone discuss an employee. As she gathered her thoughts, hoping to give a brief answer, along with the atmosphere of I don't visit I read. She answers in a short and calm voice. No an employee. 

Nettie smiles and lays her head back against the seat. She has a lot of your features. I thought for sure she was yours. Do you have children?

Sylvia now lays the book in her lap but not before she closed it in a way that if books could shout it would of said "don't make come over there and answer this!"

Sylvia dons a smile of sort, prepare in as few words as possible to answer this question in a way that this chit chat may stop. 

Yes two daughters. One is twenty seven and the other is twenty five. They are married. I am a grand mother. They live in Colorado and I in New Mexico. I haven't seen them in years. We all have very busy lives.

Nettie pulled forward in her seat. Laid a hand on Sylvia's hands, which were on her book, and said. Bless you dear. I could see in the airport you are a very busy person. But too busy for your own? 

Sylvia wanted to get up and move before she started on her "Mind your own business" tirade. She had performed it so often to others that she now with great pride had almost perfected it. As she opened her mouth to let the words flow with finesse, Nettie squeezed her hands and said Love is a wonderful thing, it runs so deep within us that sometimes we can't find it hidden in our deepest recesses. But it is there. All we do is have to do is awaken it. It is funny how we build a hard outer shell to save our soft underbelly. The harder the shell the softer we are. 

Sylvia sat in pure silence. These words. These exact words were spoken to her years back as she sat next to her dying Nana. How could this total stranger know? She felt years of hardness melting away. Her soul felt as though a key had been found and inserted into her heart, turned and released memories that that flowed across her mind like a beautiful comet with a long tail made of love. 

They spoke no more. Both lost in deep thought.

After the plane touched down. Sylvia reached for her backpack and stood to retrieve her duffle bag. Her heart still heavy with the thoughts of her Nana and where she had let her life go. The walls she built. She reached out, touched Nettie's arm and said, Nettie, thanks. All the while thinking of how a old woman on standby opened her eyes.

Sylvia fumbled around in her bag and placed a call that was very unplanned. 

Carly this is your mom I just flew into Pueblo, you and your sister want to meet for dinner?

My Gethsemane

Had I been permitted to see in my future I would of shuttered and cried out for mercy for the woman I saw there,
The one now, that if faced with more than two choices contemplates the simplest of choices only to fall asleep and try later to make them.
As the sun illuminates her room in the morning, she rolls over and blocks out the day. She used to wake before the sun to welcome each day. Almost tethered to the long morning shadows waiting to partake of the many choices and opportunities that lay before her.
The one who thought she had faith and trust in the Creator of all creations and creatures, and through photos and words tried to convey the admiration for every breath she took as she witnessed the grand gifts from God.
Now wonders how to suffocate the pain of living in doubt of being worthy of love, from her Creator.
Who knew nothing but love and trust of her fellow beings, to now feel unworthy of love, or trust.

In my weakness I reached out to the Lord. I fell at his feet for forgiveness. How could I be hated by man and God. I lay in a tormented brain of accusations and betrayal. What! What have I done to deserve this? Please teach me my sins that I may repent. That I may become whole again.

I was driven to study the atonement. For surely I needed it. I learned what I  already knew but didn't understand. In other word, I had heard this before but it was not embedded upon my soul. In a conference talk from 2012 I read

"Without an understanding of Heavenly Father’s perfect plan of happiness and the Savior’s Atonement as the central feature of that plan, these challenges could seem unfair. We all share in the trials of life together. But in faithful hearts is written, “All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of  Jesus Christ"."

Which lead me to read another's suffering without due cause

Job 1:22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.

But I did sin. I did charge God foolishly. I have said repeatedly that as a child, because of others abuses against me I felt unloved and unworthy of love. I asked God why was I sent to earth only to be unloved.

I have learn through study, prayer, humility, and temple attendance that I am loved. I do have sins but we aren't punished for our sins because those penalties have been purchased.

 D&C 19:18 Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

Luke 22:42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

 43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

 44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

I now have in a very small way felt what the Lord endured. With the literal pains I felt I too needed an angel at times. My angels came in all forms. The strength I have gained is incomprehensible. The pain I felt was incomprehensible. My heart aches at what I cried out to the Lord in my lack of understanding of the atonement. May He ever forgive me in my ignorance and pain, my sorrow and weakness.

We are not punish. We are forgiven. We are chastened to repent. Repent for sins. Sins we know we sin. Sins of ignorance to learn they are sins. Sins against our Creator. Our fellow beings. Ourselves. If we cross this life without forgiveness or forgiving then they become our sins and we are punished. We have returned the gift unused and now must pay our own way.

I will never grasp what He endured in Gethsemane. As I endured my Gethsemane I too became soaked through tears and sweat. Pain and agony. I fall to my humble knees in thanks be to Him that he spilt his blood for me on the olive tree.


This is a perspective I fell in love with as I study about Gethsemane  and personal Gethsemane's.


From what I have learned, the process of extracting oil from olives begins with the picking and then bruising and crushing of the fruit. The crushed and broken fruit is then collected into baskets which are stacked one upon the other. They are then placed under the press where tremendous pressure is applied to them. This process slowly crushes the oil from the fruit. The pressure that is applied is firm and fierce, steadily increasing over time until the red stained oil contained therein is extracted from the once unblemished fruit.
http://ponderit.lavalane.org/2005/12/olive-press-and-atonement.html

Answer To A Prayer

Luke 7:40 And Jesus answering said unto him, Simon, I have somewhat to say unto thee. And he saith, Master, say on.
41 There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: the one owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty.
42 And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most?
43 Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou hast rightly judged.

I have turned a corner or about face. My trials are burdens but I learned they are lessons also.  Today I realized that I knew the gospel but did not believe it.

I have learned I was or am a mockery to my God and Savior. I was taught all my life how to live the gospel, I have no more than rehearsed for "life's play".  But I have been brought before the light and permitted to look into my soul. In there is a little girl that did right not because she knew what was right but because she didn't want to do wrong.

She or I have no faith. Only believing in works. Every time a trial came I knew I was not loved. I had tried to do right but fell short of His approval once more. I soon reasoned I could never be loved. I went through the motions but never gained ground.

This was written just before I went to the Temple. I prayed the Lord would teach me how to believe.

As Eve then Adam made a choice that would ultimately bring on death my teaching started.
As Adam and Eve are now banish from Eden they built an alter. An Angel asked "why do you make sacrifices"? Adam answers "I know not why but I was commanded". The Angel then said "Repent, and pray unto the Lord for ever more.
Moses 5:5-8

I was no more than Adam. Making sacrifices but I knew not why. Obedience without faith or knowledge will not get you testimonies. You can live worthy of the Holy Ghost but receive no witness without asking for one.

I must warrant the Lords love for He brought me to my knees. The pain I feel as he used the people I love the most to do it. To bring my family to so much destruction has made me realize that he does indeed love me. I felt I lost it all. I searched for the reasons, who was to blame. It is me. I have so little testimony. It took the only reason I live to see that I can't obtain the next life on obedience alone.

It is easy to blame others as they fought to do what they felt was right. I had no idea what was right. I hadn't prayed. The choices I made relieved pain for a fleeting moment. Without the all knowing sight of the Lord through prayer my choices now haunt me. For who knows how long.

When you hurry through today to get to tomorrow while out running yesterday it soon grabs you by the ankles. You fall face down ,belly flop into the dust. You find yourself filthy and trying to get up on your feet again. From flop to feet no matter what, you pass by your knees. While there, at my knees, I stopped to finally pray. Not my normal, merely pass through the lips prayer, but a gut wrenching, soul searching, for crying out loud prayer.

I can't explain how weak I am, how scared I am, how ugly and burdensome I feel.
How months ago I could of conquered the world. I had built what felt like a safety net, but it got a small snag in it and has grown so big I fell through.

I am a debtor. The bill is due.
Can I trust in the arm of flesh and put my sins back in my hole?
Or can I trust in the Lord to take this away, forgive me and make me whole?

 I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most.

Mired in Thoughts

Courage, My New Strength

I have been told all my life that I have great strength. My great strength was not what I endured but how. That strength others saw was my weakness. 

My show of strength was how I quickly tied up my trials with the most beautiful bow of shame, laid it in my lovely box of guilt, then placed a titanium lock of anger so no one got near it.

See I never really had a true testimony of the "Plan". Think of it this way. After Adam and Eve had partaken of the forbidden fruit satan didn't tell them to run because your going to die. Oh no, that was a truth. Yes they would surely die. But first the Plan of Happiness would start. Good or bad. Bitter or sweet. And of course blessings of babies. No, satan told them to run and hide, that God would see their nakedness. And satan's second gift was given, shame (satan's first being lies). Which left unchecked turns to guilt. But our Father in Heaven taught our first parents in all principles.

Shame in a true form leads to remorse then to repentance and then forgiveness.  But without proper guidance like in the example above it can lead to guilt. The guilt I came to embrace. The feelings that others atrocities against me were my uncleanliness, my sins, my nakedness, my shame, my guilt.

I soon has a box so stuffed full that I lost the love of the Lord. That is how I saw it. He doesn't love an unclean thing. I knew that much. No matter how hard I tried to live the gospel or embrace faith, I just couldn't. That stupid box of misunderstandings stood in the way. I hated no one. They were my sins. Who could I blame but myself. As an innocent child I took the blame. I had decided the Lord just didn't care for me.

Satan is good. Real good at what he does. He lets you carry burdens that aren't yours and teaches you to blame others for your wrongs.

Well I wish I had a nickel for every time I fell
And blamed somebody else
I'd give a ton of money to the ones I've hurt
And I'd still be sittin' pretty well

Bob Seger - Lock And Load

Through the Priesthood, Temple, and the hand of the Lord. My understanding has grown. See, my "strength" has been shattered. My box has broke to pieces and as I tried to gather in my "hidings". I too have been taught from on high.

This trial IS more than I can endure. The blessing that stands out the most is that breathing is involuntary. I gave up eating, thinking, sleeping, waking, praying, caring. But breathing was a constant companion. Thank heaven.

Through Temple attendance, Priesthood, and the hand of the Lord. I have gain my own knowledge that there is free agency. We are free agents. To act upon and be acted upon. The Lord can not intercede. We can act or react. We will forgive or be forgiven. Or hopefully we proceed in that direction.

I have read my patriarchal blessing (I wish it was a zillion times but it is closer to a million) for the first time since I have found the Lord loves me and satan lives to tell me otherwise. There are a few things in my blessing that gives me courage and knowledge that the Lord knows me and loves me. Now, for courage to live up to these. Courage to recognize my own sins and weaknesses and not feel guilt and fault for others misdeeds.

Lastly. The pains of sorrow I feel for the turmoil I have dragged my love of my life, Tom, and our family through. It is true, if you don't love yourself you can never truly love. I never said I love you to them. Only out of guilt because they said it first. 

I never let true emotions flow. Only the one I couldn't control, anger. They never knew where I stood. Because I had guilt to hide. 

Time and time again Tom would ask me if I loved him. If I was happy. Why I couldn't be open with him. 

If you have to ask then you have to wonder.

There lies true strength. He loved me always. Even when he didn't feel it back. 

My testimony grows in the understanding that my Savior loves me. He lives. He listens.  As I entered under this sacred carving, "Holiness To The Lord", needs were met, answers were given, calm was gifted. 

I am still weak but daily the Lord challenges me with growth and tools to over come. By forgiving myself and giving the sins I harbored of others to them so I can forgive, then the hope of being forgiven has made the most important tool of prayer real for the first time in my life. 

I wondered why so late in my life did I receive this trial. Well one blessing is I am too old and tired to keep running from the Lord. I only have enough energy to fall to my knees to weep and pray.

If any of this gives you answers to your whys, I will feel blessed. 

My Sunday Sermon

We have been taught the He has paid the price and all He expects from us is change.  Lets think of that in literal terms.  He paid.  What did he give? He gave His blood. The atonement, or I own mint.  The Lord, the great I AM (I) The Creator (own) Giver of grace and mercy (mint, where grace and mercy is stored for distribution). But more than that He gave his life.  The most tangible commodity there is. He gave His blood so that we may live with Him.  He gave His life that we may live, be immortal. Those two gifts are the greatest of all. 


We all dream of immortality.  We even have fictional characters that defy death. We also do activities that makes us feel as though we have touched deaths door and lived to tell about it. We dream of it.  Some even take care to live in a way to prolong life.  Death is death.  A reality undefined.


To live again is one thing. That gift is given to all.  It's a given. But to live with Him is another.  That is where we start to pay the price.  The change.  Our change.
To obtain that privilege we need to have mercy and grace jingling in our pockets.  And plenty of it.
How do we earn the "change" you ask, the jingle. Well lets say it something like this.
Say we feed the poor, clothe the naked, comfort those who stand in need of comfort, you have just earned a few pieces of grace.   Boy don't they feel good in the depths (debts) of our empty pockets. Heck even a smile given to those we pass can earn us a little.  Grace is easy, but the more we had to sacrifice the more we will earn.  Anytime you go beyond yourself you pretty much got paid.


Oh mercy.  That is a big one.  You do need grace and mercy, mercy and grace.  We can have abundance of one or the other but we have to have both.  To earn mercy we can forgive, that can be easy, and then again it can be hard.  The harder it is the more we earn. The mother load of mercy is forgiving ourselves.  Whoa.  For some that is near impossible.  One, because we don't see the sin in ourselves, two, we have done something we feel is unforgivable.
Sometimes someone did something to us that we just can't let go.  We are innocent, we feel.  Being hurt is not a sin, holding on to the pain is.  Forgive.  Forgive them.  Forgive yourself for how you felt or reacted to the pain.
Sometimes we hurt others.  Deep.  Forgive yourself for your weaknesses, forgive them even if they never forgive you.  


The Lord has once said to a sinner.  "Go and sin no more".  Is that possible? Sin no more?  It is.  In a sense.  No, we can not be perfect, we become perfected. But we can walk away from a sin.  We won't be sinless.  Just won't be a committen that sin no mor.  Yes sir no mor.


By earning change we have changed.  That is what the Lord wants.  Our change.  Change of heart.  Change of ways.  Change for the better.


Think of it this way "Go and change some more".  Now that is how it should of been said. For me, lately I believe I have had a hole in my pocket and have lost some grace and mercy.  I sure am grateful for those around me that have picked it up and put it in their own pockets.  To you I say I love you.  I felt your love and you deserve what I have lost.  Today, tomorrow and forever I will try my darnest to earn change. 


There is a Lord.  He lives.  He loves. 
Jingle your change!

Dead Men Tell No Tales

Have you ever envisioned  a book with print on one page, and the page directly across from it blank. No illustration, no picture.  I have, daily.  It represents my life for the last few years. 

My page tells of parents, siblings, family.  Tells of a Trust (Guy and Charlene Nicoll Trust) that had no trust for me from my siblings.

How the dirt thrown on my parents caskets has metaphorically speaking, left a chasm between me and my siblings.  It doesn't need to be back filled with bull crap or a bridge built across only to let the erosion persist.  It needs the blank page written upon.  Words, reason, thoughts.  Truth. 

With the sweet amen said as the graves were blessed and consecrated the trust started to erode.  As we turned to our own for comfort, the plans formed. 

It was decided that I would not be present (I was informed not asked) as my siblings went through my parents things.  The important papers as it was described to me. 

When my dad passed my mom told of a loan between my father and my husband.  Now my mom passes.  The Trust immediately starts on the road of no trust.  The Loan wasn't due for two years.  Yet they apply the loan toward my inheritance. 
We were told that we can't be trusted.  That we have a history of not paying our bills.  That they will just apply the loan toward them buying me out of my parents house.
We tried to explain the loan, it fell on deaf ears.  We got a lawyer, to explain that it was a business loan between my dad and my husband.  One little side note, my dad approached Tom to loan him money.  My parents just sold the old Mesa house and wanted to invest it somewhere that would give the a greater return.  For collateral the Baker Machinery property would be used.  I have no ownership in the property.  I and my mother in law were advised years previous to sign off.  Being the nature of the business someone could get injured or at the worst death. That way we couldn't be held financially accountable.

The executors of the Trust needed to know what we had paid in interest.  There was no record from my parents side because my dad had complete trust in us.  We on the other hand had complete records.  Tom sent them a list of payments and dates.  That wasn't good enough.  We needed to send canceled checks.  So we did.  We also had those ducks in a row.  We are a business for heavens sakes.
Yet they spent time finding checks that my mother wrote to me because for most of this time they lived in an apartment we owned.  No rent, free utilities and free cell phones.  My mother couldn't stand all this free stuff so she paid a small amount each month.  The executors applied those payments toward my inheritance.

All in all the first time I met with their Trust lawyer I was told they wouldn't collect on the loan until we got paid for some property we had for sale.  Yet they were collecting long before that.  They had applied it toward my inheritance.
Tom does have some property for sale.  Believe it or not we had to send proof to the Trust lawyer to prove it.

In 2008 the failed economy hit us hard.  Dad came to us and said not to worry about interest payments until we get back on the road.  He even told mom to not pay those previous talked about checks and that he would apply those toward the interest payments. Once again his idea, and his trust and his love for us shined through. That should be proof he said that because the checks stopped.  Dead men tell no tales.

No the Trust would not believe the words spoken by the living for the dead.  Remember we don't pay our bills.

A day before the loan was due we paid on the loan.  The interest would of been paid also but that will be made when the Lord blesses us further. At least the interest won't keep accumulating. 

The museum (my parents house in Vernon, that is what I call it) stands fully furnished.  With all their belongings that now are my siblings belongings.  I got no chance to pick anything.  No chance to put my name in the hat for the lucky draw of winning something precious to me. Like they say "you can't take it with you".  Nothing truer has been said.

My parents journals and photos have been hauled off also.  For safe keeping from the San Juan Fire.  I was asked by my sister if the house was in jeopardy of the fire.  I was living up in Vernon at the time and told her I would call her if I felt we were.  I didn't have to call.  Not because the Lord blessed us.  But because that night she drove up in darkness and took them home or shall I say from home.

This is one page in the book.  Turn the page and you will see a story of how the Nicoll Brothers Ranch LLC has restricted me.
Funny one cast member is on both pages, but it plays by the same plan.  No trust.  No listening.

From Quilts to Grace

As I work on my quilt I think back to all the ones I have made. There are so few that I still can remember. Or maybe it is more like the Lord knowing us because he created us.

 I have always produced quilts in a series or group. My first ones where my Learning Series. They were crib sizes. I entered one in the County Fair (State Fair was too intimidating) and received a blue ribbon. Now don't go and get all excited. I knew my fairs back then. Pick the County over the State and do a size of quilt with less competition. A blue ribbon was fun. I got a check for about twenty dollars. 

The next were my Tramp Series. They were baby quilts in payment for a trampoline I was purchasing from my sister.  She loved giving homemade gifts. She passed away before I gave her the last two installments. Her good husband Vic told me I was paid in full. I don't think he wanted to go to any baby showers. Plus I laugh now but then it was upsetting to me. I was working with a pattern that I didn't notice but some of Tom's scouts did,  if I turned a block slightly a degree the pattern turned into a Nazi sign. I still hope and pray the finished ones I gave her didn't do that .

Those previous quilts led into my next series. The Sanity Series. I was teaching my kids at home at this time and if I left the room to do any chores I found the kids right on my heels. I went crazy sitting on the couch while they did their school work. I found if I was hand quilting a quilt I accomplished something and the kids had more fun laying under the quilt doing their work. I think plenty of times they were hypnotized with the rhythm of the needle coming in and out. 

I need to mention the in two previous series the fabric for these quilts was dumpster dive fabric. We knew of a business that made baby bedding. We knew which days were cutting days therefore we knew what night to go by and get free, cute, juvenile fabric. I still have some and so does my mother in law.

The Baby Series.  I then needed quilts to give to babies being born around me. 

The Wedding Series. Yes my own children were now getting married. Confession. I only finished two. I need to jump back into that series, bad. My heart just isn't there. And my heart influences me on everything. If my heart isn't into it my mind is long gone.

Understand years have passed between most of these series. Sometimes I felt I was starting anew. But each one provided exactly what I needed at the time. 

I now have entered my Healing Series but I found myself calling it my When Life Takes Your Cows Make Quilts Series. You know like the saying when life gives you lemons ...

This week I have found I changed the word life to lies. 

From the beginning I have said I have done nothing wrong. From my point of view that is what I see. But watching Alicia go through her hell, and talking to her I want to change the "the done nothing wrong" to honest mistake. I honestly did what what was needed for the cattle, property, and equipment. If they felt I made a bad call then they should of came up to help. We all from our point of view do things that others call a mistake or wrong. How easy is it for us to judge others looking on and not inside their intentions.

This week has been difficult again.  Not as bad just not easy to swallow.

A few weeks ago the ranch had a work weekend. I was not told. But by the grace of the Lord I found out the hour they were up there. The next day I asked one member "who thought of not inviting me". Not who agreed. To me everyone that was up there agreed. The answer I got was "I don't recall".  Really? Forgot that fast.  Wouldn't the truth be better? Ginny, we agreed this is best for now and we feel that it doesn't matter who suggested it. 

Also this week I have a kind sister in law that for some reason is trying to get to the bottom of this riff. I don't understand why she is willing to stick her neck out for me but I will take all the kindness I can get.  Anyway I was trying  to show that I have really had no respect for years. I told her of an incident that happened about eight years ago. How someone protected my family by coming to me about some gossip going around about one of my children. I hurried over to put a stop to it. My heart has always been endeared to him. I don't hug to many people but he was always on my very short list of those who I do hug. 

He told my sister in law it never happened. What?!  That was an honorable thing. Yet you can say that it never happened. You now make me out to be a liar like the rest of my family has? 

I wonder how much grace the Lord has stored up. Will He run out before I get there?  I always hoped  it is like that blob stuff on Ghost Busters II. In the beginning, if the blob stuff touches you, you feel angry, become hateful. But as Egon and Ray study it they learn that through compassion and kindness they can turn the blob into a gel of love. Soon as New York is about to kill each other they spray this around and it becomes the city of brotherly love. 

Can we turn this disregard for other into love one day? Can we stand up for truth even though it may hurt? What causes us to lie? What benefit out weighs the truth? Is there enough grace?

Sure wish my mom was here to see my newest quilts. She always made them all out to be blue ribbons.  They aren't. You know the Indian superstition how they leave mistakes in their blankets and pottery to let the evil spirits out. Well mine have enough mistakes to open the gates of hell.